Oh well I'm the type of guy who will never settle down

Where pretty turtles are well, you know that I'm around

I kiss 'em and I love 'em 'cause to me they're all the same

I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em they don't even know my name

They call me the Turtler, yeah the Turtler

I roam around around around.

My lyrical genius knew no bounds. The way I could expertly, and subtly, mix in my own words to established songs.

*Kiss fingers*. Perfect.

Jane hadn't a clue what I was talking about, and continued to smile whenever I spoke to her. She was acting kinda strange lately, maybe she needed a turtle of her own to care for. Her empty arms looked so sad as they swung by her sides, turtleless.

Don't fret, I shall reward the followers of the turtle with even more turtles!

I was excited to have finally started my journey to the southwest. All I needed was a horse, a pig, and a river spirit to fill out my possie. Boy that would be fun. Enough daydreaming though, back to the task at hand.

We were currently surrounded by hills on either side of us, leading towards our first landmark. The first leg of the journey was through the natural ravine between the mountain ranges. On the map, it was dubbed The Ravine Of Lost Souls.

Oooooh, spooky.

"Jane? Why is it called the Ravine of long-name-I-don't-care-about?"

More than happy to answer his question, "Legend has it that the ravine was where lost souls naturally gathered. They lit the dark chasm with their soul light to guide travelers. It was said that after long wars, the ravine would become entirely lit up with the dense clouds of lost souls."

Neat. I wonder what a soul tastes like...

"Furthermore, hearsay told of a deeper tale; the souls gathered there in hope of being healed and revived. A powerful alchemist was said to have lived in the ravine, occasionally helping a random soul or two to live once again."

I wasn't buying the legend. From what I could tell so far, mystical wizards didn't exist. Legends were just that, legends. Tales to spice up history, making it more palatable for the younger generations.

The lights in the ravine could just be bioluminescent spores that hang in the air, giving the illusion of soul-like behavior. This 'hermit alchemist' could just be some old guy who is mildly good with medicinal herbs. The legend was perfectly explainable through the lens of scrutiny.

After I had just dissed the ravine we came up to it, the air grew cold and damp, like a stone cellar. The wind blowing through it whistled a tune. I think I could even hear it whisper in my ears 'bitch'.

Oi! You rocky asshole! Come out and fight me! No balls!

There was no further instigation towards me. The wind continued to whisper 'bitch' until it changed to 'witch', 'lich', 'stitch', and back to 'bitch'. My ears were just playing tricks on me. I need to get a more reliable pair, these have only caused me mischief.

On the other hand, my eyes never deceived me. Except for optical illusions; they weren't the eyes, that was my brain failing. Curses! That rabbit-duck is the death of me! I put my good vision to work just like I had in the ocean, observing the ravine before we got to it. The rock was blue, like every goddamned rock I've seen on this planet.

I shouted in frustration, "Why is every rock blue!" It just felt fake to me.

"What are you talking about? All rocks are blue. They always have been."

I'm not buying it. It just isn't natural. Maybe I'm just biased... Father wouldn't stand such a geological discovery; calling it 'bullshit'.

The ravine walls quickly rose into the sky on either side. They towered over our little party of three. I admired the scale of it, excited to see something so naturally beautiful. The nature on this planet was amazing, surpassing the best landscape photographs from Earth. You couldn't beat untouched nature on a different continent on an alien planet floating in a... so on and so forth.

The beauty lasted as long as my thought. The sun disappeared behind the mountain, wreathing us in ravine darkness. The path ahead was barely visible even with the cloudless daylight. My hand looked like a spider when I ran it along the wall. Or maybe it was an actual spider, not like I could see very well.

I just puffed up my chest due to my amazing eyes, and now they let me down?

While I was distracted dreaming of night-vison, Jane reached for my hand, wanting to hold it through the dark ravine. I was too late to retract to her expert sneak attack; letting the hand engage with mine.

Damn.

I couldn't just let go. Losing her in the darkness of the ravine was more troublesome than dealing with her fair-skinned sweaty hand. To take the edge off, I held Turtley's hand. It was a little awkward to hold two hands and walk in darkness, clinging to the people in my life. I constantly bumped into the rocky walls, even though the corridor was three meters wide.

I found a steady walking rhythm, one that stopped me from tripping on rocks or slamming into walls, or having Jane bump into me. Step, hop step, step, hop step; and so on. With my technique and some time, we forge our path through the darkness. Though with distance, the ravine was sloping slightly downwards, forcing us deeper and deeper into the earth.

The slope was very slight and barely noticeable; helping us only a little bit. Every step was increasing my elation. Concrete progress! Finally! I was on my journey to the promised land. The darkness was a comforting blanket for me. It was the good kind of darkness, the one that scared the shit out of children.

The scaring-children-darkness is the safest of all darknesses, much lower on the threat list than that void darkness. That void darkness was actually threatening, filled with those REALLY big fishies. I was clearly getting bored, ranking the different darknesses and their danger level to fill time.

I could feel Jane nearly collapse behind me, able to only trudge forward. What? She couldn't keep up with my turtle-like physique? Slow and steady wins the race my dear! Well...that's for a tortoise, but tortoises are turtles, so it still applies.

I stopped walking and let her find a flat spot to sit down. There was one a few steps to our right, against the wall. The area was absolutely caked in blue dust, so we had to deal with that, otherwise, it was a fine spot. Oh, and the darkness.

I sat next to Jane, leaning against the wall. My breath was steady, contrary to her shallow and rapid wheezing breaths. If I hadn't known better, I would think she was asthmatic.

I actually don't know better. She might very well have asthma...

It couldn't hurt to act as if it was true, "Hey, sit crossed-legged. Force each of your breaths to be deep, as deep as you can go. Fill every bit of your lungs with air, then exhale. Repeat that for a while. Let me know how it goes."

Asthma needed meds that probably hadn't been invented yet. If she did have it, I need to be careful to not push her too hard.

But she wasn't like this before. What changed? I guess there is a fuck ton of dust right now, enough to agitate her lungs...

I was startled when she started to cough uncontrollably. I felt her forehead with my hand; it was on fire. She definitely had a fever.

Dust Pneumonia. FUCK!

Dust Pneumonia killed a lot of people during the dust bowl. The inhalation of dust isn't exactly the greatest thing for the fragile wet squishy air sacs. I had just told her to take the deepest breaths she could take! What was I thinking? Regular dust pneumonia killed, but if I could get her out of here and give her some vapor treatment, she might have a shot at survival.

Strangely, Turtley and I were perfectly fine. The air seemed ok, a little sterile even. I guess those who follow the path of the turtle are immune to inconveniences like dust. A big checkmark for turtle supremacy.

I took my shirt off and put some of our water on it. I wrapped the wet cloth gently around her face to keep out most of the lung-harming dust. She needed to get out of here, so I rolled her onto my back and had Turtley crawl onto my head.

Acting as the pack mule, I started to walk through the rest of the ravine. The slope continued to go down for a bit before it started to level out. Everything was going great until the pendant on my neck began to vibrate and I was blinded by a blue light.

More blue light traced the outline of a door, showing a symbol of my pendant in the center. It had flashed into existence along the right side of the ravine. It helped tremendously with seeing the ground I was walking on.

Why all the blue? Coagulated blood is clearly the best color.

I carried Jane and Turtley deeper through the crevice and past the door. No distractions on my way out, Jane couldn't handle this air. I didn't care if it was magical looking, I just needed to keep moving.

The door responded by disappearing and reappearing a half dozen meters ahead of me. This time, it glowed brighter, inviting me in. No thanks, I have a subordinate to save.

I passed the door again, watching it move for the second time. It popped into existence with a bunch of flashing arrows pointing to it. Was it advertising itself? Take the hint! I don't care! I just need to get out of here.

My third time passing the door seemed to really tick it off. The blue color turned red and the pendant image on it turned into a bleeding skull.

Oh hell yeah! That's more my style! But that's still a firm no. I'll come back for you after finding some turtles.

The door teleported directly in front of me, no longer on the wall. It tore space with it, warping the air into sharp fragments. Jane tightened her grip on my hand while she was on my back. Good, just hold on, I'll get us out of here. I started to walk around the door with my companions, clearly avoiding the door.

Once around it, I started hiking faster. That really angered it. The door grew in size and emitted a deeper, blood-red light.

"The fuck is that!"

*ROOOOAAAR*

The door roared at me. Too bad I have leviathan experience, a roaring door is nothing compared to that. It started to chase after us, moving slowly at first, but picking up the pace. The light from the door alone lit up the entire ravine. It was like a blinding sun at this point.

I let go of Jane's hand and started to use my arms to run; Turtley gripping tightly onto my head. I didn't trust his stability on my bouncing skull as I moved erratically, but it would have to make do. I bolted through the once dark corridor. Why couldn't the turtles just be right there when I wanted them? Why did they have to be past this... whatever the fuck the door was.

No. I must remain strong-willed. Turtles are all that matter; I'd fistfight one of those void leviathans if it saved a turtle. A moving murder door was nothing to waste fear on. It was getting closer though...

Then, I saw the light. No, not that light. The real light, from the real sun. Or... the real light from the real fake sun. Or... the real fake light from the real fake sun...

Store that thought for later. Just run!

The end of the ravine was nigh, only a dozen more meters ahead. It looked exactly the same as the other side. We were home-free! I hoped that the thing chasing us would stop at the edge of the ravine-like some video game enemy, unable to exist outside the designated area.

My escaping hopes were dashed as the door was speeding up again and now licked my heels.

*ROOOOAAAR*

Get a life! Go find some lady door and leave us alone!

We weren't going to make it. The door was moving too fast; and contrary to my wishes, my legs were running on fumes, barely moving at my command. Something needed to be done if Turtley was to survive.

"Jane, take him."

I handed her the turtle while running. She slid off my back and hobbled to keep pace with me. She was coughing and wheezing relentlessly, falling behind instantly.

"Keep going and don't stop! Keep him safe at all costs!"

All she could manage was a slight head nod. She hobbled off with my shirt around her face, carrying the most amazing turtle, coughing her lungs out.

I stopped and turned to face the incoming door. I stood there, bare-chested. My skin glistened with sweat. I was like an actor, handsome and gorgeous. My muscles were lean and masculine. The door would regret making me its foe.

I felt a suction force, lifting me from the ground and pulling me into the even blacker darkness. I didn't need to wait long before it sucked in my face through its opened door-hole-maw.

Once I was inside, the red light faded, the door calmed down, and my only exit disappeared.

You couldn't let me at least PRETEND to be an action hero?