"Oy Boris! How ya doin that? Who has what wrong?" the patrons in the bar were getting closer and this caused Xopil to panic a bit.

"Stay back! The inn is closing early tonight!" Boris was already having a hard enough time breathing before Xopil tightened his grip.

Xopil waited until the last customer left and then released his hold on Boris. Xopil eyed the food on the table warily, but it was the key that drew his undivided attention.

"Start talking," Xopil pushed Boris into the corner and pulled up a chair from the middle of the room, straddling it backwards.

"Where to begin..." Boris sat down at the table and nonchalantly started eating the meal he'd prepared previously for Xopil.

"The beginning would be good, or you could just skip to the part about how I fix this." Xopil eyed him suspiciously as he ate.

"That..." Boris swallowed and frowned deeply, "I'm afraid that's beyond me."

"The beginning then. And I don't want any cliche crap, like my family was cursed and definately don't start spewing crap you couldn't possibly know anything about."

"Cut me some slack eh? I'm just an innkeeper. For that matter, why did you come to me?" Boris swallowed another mouthful.

"... You're the only person who I actually CAN talk to. And threaten." Xopil replied.

"Lucky me. Well, let's see what I can do for you." Boris closed his eyes and mentally ticked off ideas that were one of three things:

Too insane to believe.

Used too many times.

He shouldn't possibly know anything about.

"Yeah, I got nothin'." Boris replied with a smirk.

"Now you're just pissing me off. Last I checked, this IS a fantasy. Why not just tell me I'm not from this world, I don't belong here, and I'm getting pulled to my homeworld?" Xopil said angrily.

"You said not to mention anything I shouldn't know about. How would I know that? I'm just an innkeeper with an enchanted building." With a shrug Boris pointed off into space. "Blame the author if anything."

A stale silence permeated the room.

"Now you've done it." Xopil said while retreating for his life.

"Well actually... he's got a point." Sumdumbguy just pulled up a chair.

"I've heard of cameo appearances, but don't you need to be famous first?" Xopil scorned. "Get outta here, we got this."

Boris seeing Xopil looking at him hides his popcorn. "What? Oh right."

Boris slaps his cheeks and gets back into character. "Yer not part of this world..."

"Yeah, just gonna stop you right there. Try again." Xopil waved his hand dismissively.

"Ye've got this very rare disease..."

"Seriously? Tis the Disease of the Millenium. Next."

"A rash?"

"Are you even trying? This story and my life are fading about as fast as your brains."

"I'm yer uncle."

"That doesn't do squat for the story." Xopil snorted.

"There was a freak accident in the kingdom you were born in when you were just a baby, half the atoms of all the inhabitants were sucked into another dimension and...? Why aren't you stopping me?"

"That freak accident part is borderline cliche, but the rest we can work with... maybe. If you were there... but then we'd need a reason why you don't have the same problem I do. It's already been stated you don't know the cure, so can't have you just miraculously healed. A 'travelling innkeeper' is just a bad joke..." Xopil scratched his chin in thought. "Even so, we're on to something here. Ok from the top."

Boris just shook his head took a big drink from the mug and swallowed it down, "Hic When ye were just a lil runt an invasion from a parallel dimension attacked yer kingdom, pulling a fragment of all the inhabitants' life force through space and time out of this plane of existence. Unfortunately, hic the fragment that was taken was the vital piece and what remains is slowly being pulled along the tear through space and time to be whole again."

"Why couldn't you do it like that the first time? Ok, now explain how you know all that."

"I... er... I was there after the fact. I'm the black sheep of the royal family, yer father's brother. I'd been living in exile as a wandering bard..."

"... Go on. But this still leaves how you know what the problem is as a mystery... I mean, I was there and I don't know." Xopil shook his head. This is what you get for making it up as you go.

"...I had returned home after years of travelling, I had *ahem* just barely missed sharing in your doomed fate. Anyway, I left again and travelled until I finally ended up in this here town and set up shop as an innkeep."

"... Ok so my options then?" Xopil asked tentatively.

"Yer on yer own nephew," replied Boris

"... You look nothing like my father," Xopil retorted.

"Don't sweat the details. Like it or not, we're related now!" Boris exclaimed proudly at having his character status upgraded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!"

"Are you done with the death wails? I have a business to run." Boris said indifferently.

"You closed early. Hey wait, why can't I touch people?" asked Xopil.

"What're you a pervert? Touching random people is wrong," reprimanded Boris.

"... I mean in general. Someone bumped into me outside and I was thrown the distance of a day's run outside of town." Xopil clarified.

"I can't have all the answers, reach out and touch someone else."

"..." Xopil wordlessly got up, grabbed the key off the table and headed upstairs to his room. Ok, so... glad that's sorted, but now to figure out what to do about it.