Chapter 9: Short Circuit

The next few minutes were chaotic. Fred barked orders to his fellow aliens in Slydrinothgmnackian. The slimy, seven-armed creatures rushed around in a storm of terror and befuddlement. Down in the Hypnotism Chamber, the alien who’d been overseeing the process tried to let James the Prophet and his family out, but the door was busted and refused to open. Fred’s buddies returned with a ladder and several brooms; they immediately set to work sweeping all the glass on the floor into piles.

Once a reasonably large space had been cleared, the aliens with the ladder eased it down into the Hypnotism Chamber through the Observation Room’s now completely broken window. They leaned the ladder against the wall below said window. An escape route thus created, the family and the Slydrinothgmnackian overseeing them began to clamber up it.

“That,” Xavier choked while all this occurred, “was not fun. Let’s never do that again.”

Adam nodded and raised his hand. “I second that motion. The aliens part? Let’s do that again. The mysterious-prophet-thing-making-a-massive-fuck-all-explosion part? Hell to the no.”

Jacob’s hands trembled as he remembered the little boy’s hollow voice. His warnings echoed in the revenant’s head. “Fred,” he said after a moment, “do you know what any of that meant?”

Fred, who had been silent since giving orders to his alien buddies, closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. “No,” he admitted. “The only things I think I might understand are the mentions of the ‘night of the dead’ and the ‘men with black eyes.’ The former likely points to Halloween, while the latter definitely refers to people possessed by demons. Anytime a demon possesses anyone, whether that person is an Earthling or a Slydrinothgmnackian, that person’s eyes turn pure black—black as the farthest, emptiest corners of space.”

Adam gulped a knot in his throat down. “That,” he said, “is terrifying.”

“Indeed,” Fred said quietly.

Xavier frowned and wondered aloud, “Fred, now that you have your prophecy, what are you going to do next?”

The alien hummed, crossed six of his arms, and rubbed his ovular chin with the last hand. “We will probably return to our home planet of Fortuna after repairing the damage done to the ship,” he said thoughtfully. “That’ll take a couple days though; in the meantime we’ll put up a magic barrier so no prying eyes see us, and so any boats coming through skirt around us. We do need to return to our home planet, however, to discuss things with our queen. If the talk goes well, you will see us again in about two months, friends.” His yellow eyes narrowed, and he uncrossed his arms. “It seems that war is coming to your planet, Earthlings—a war against an evil that you cannot beat alone. You will need all of our help.”

Jacob swallowed and then set his gaze. “Why?” he asked, and Fred blinked. “Why do you care about all of this so much, anyway? And why are you willing to help us if there is a demon war, or whatever?”

“Because if the demons win, then they will almost certainly go to any lengths to free their master, Lucifer, from his cage in Hell that he has spent eons in.” Fred frowned. “Actually, I’ll bet he’s the ‘caged serpent’ from the prophecy.”

“How do you know all of this about Lucifer and demons?” Adam asked before Jacob had the chance to.

A dark look passed over the alien’s face, and he sighed morosely. “Because Earth isn’t the only planet plagued by the supernatural, or where prophets walk,” he said quietly. “Our prophets just all went silent millennia ago.”

By that time, the abducted family had long since climbed into the Observation Room and had promptly been escorted to another room, where they’d be wiped of all their memories from the past ten or so minutes. They would also not wake from a trance until they made it to their own homes.

Their conversation over, Fred bowed to his guests and led them out of the ship. He didn’t try to memory wipe them or put them into a trance thanks to their friendship; he trusted them to warn whoever needed to be warned about the coming war. This was largely due to the fact that he was Clear Sighted and recognized Jacob as being a non-vengeful revenant. Soon after the group had finally left the ship, the abducted people were brought out and given to Jacob and his friends.

“I could help with some of the rebuilding if you’d like,” Adam offered eagerly, his eyes practically shining with excitement. “I’m a bit of a technological whiz myself, and it’d be really cool to see how your ship functions.”

“I may just take you up on that offer,” Fthzynmitas, the tallest of the aliens, said with a grin. “We don’t have many more passengers on our ship, actually, so any extra help would make things faster. I’m the head engineer on this starship, so give me your telephone number and I’ll call if I need your help.”

Adam’s giddiness shone in waves. “Awesome!” he said bubbly, jumping from foot to foot like a seven-year-old at a theme park. “Sure thing! Our first day of our senior year in school is starting in a couple days, anyway, so I literally won’t be missing anything if I don’t go. Here’s my number…”

Yttobobsie, the shortest alien, snorted and raised his eyebrows. “Those two are getting along well,” he noted with bemusement.

Xavier frowned. “I almost feel a little jealous,” he said, though from the tone of his voice, he was just teasing.

“Well, it’s been nice knowing you bitches,” the alien said with a salute. “Lightspeed.”

Jacob and Xavier grinned. “Lightspeed,” they said together, saluting Yttobobsie in return.

“Lightspeed, Earthlings,” Fred said; it seemed to be their version of see you later or maybe godspeed (Jacob wasn’t quite sure). Then, he turned and hissed/clicked at his alien buddies. The Slydrinothgmnackians all returned to their ship… but not before Fred paused and turned back around to hand Jacob the grey, can-like object from earlier with a grin.

“What’s this?” Jacob wondered, taking it curiously and recoiling at the strange warm, tingling sensation it gave off. A quick examination showed no noticeable grooves in its sleek, cylindrical sides, nor anything else of potential importance save for the blaringly obvious button on the top. He blinked rapidly and stuffed the device in his pocket.

Fred winked. “Just a little piece of Fortuna technology,” he said mysteriously. “It should help in the coming war with the demons.”

“Thank you,” Jacob said gratefully, and he meant it. It felt nice to be given a token of intergalactic friendship. He still couldn’t quite believe in all this prophets and demons thing, even after all that had happened today; but he knew something big was coming and having extra preparation was nice. “What does it do?”

The Slydrinothgmnackian chuckled and returned to following his fellow aliens aboard their starship. “Oh, now where would the fun be in me telling you? Magic and science go hand in hand, Earthling. I think you should be extremely grateful for that once you discover its use, however.”

Fred stretched and at last boarded the starship once more, leaving Jacob, Adam, and Xavier alone with the previously abducted people. Xavier stretched, grunted, and jabbed his thumb at the latter.

“Alright,” he said, “now that that’s done, what should we do with these guys?”

Jacob blinked and glanced at them. “…Well, I mean, the police and stuff will be here any moment. There’s no doubt they heard the ship crash and someone reported its location. So… let’s just leave them here, I guess?”

Adam and Xavier exchanged glances and shrugged.

“Works for me,” they said in unison.

“Alright, then all that’s left to do is get Agent Mann and get in the car, and then let’s blow this Popsicle stand.”

They carefully climbed back up the cement-slab covered hillside, where they saw police cars driving towards the picnic area in the distance. The three friends then hurried over to Agent Mann, still slumped over across their picnic table, unconscious, and carried him to where Jacob’s old Ford was parked. They stuffed him in the passenger seat, and then everyone hurried in and buckled up themselves. Jacob revved up the engine and the car slowly growled to a start. After a few seconds of not working exactly right, the Ford’s tires squealed and it chased off down the parking lot into the road.

The drive home to Normal was much more melancholic than the drive down to Beaver Falls. Without Agent Mann up or the abducted family to deal with, Jacob and his friends had nothing to do except ponder the day’s events. Adam and Xavier were excited to have met aliens at last (with Adam being particularly excited at the idea to be working on repairing an actual starship), but the disturbing prophecy was a wet blanket on these emotions. Jacob couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling he’d had since the prophecy had been given, especially concerning the warning about the ‘left hand.’ He didn’t know why, but for some reason, that part in particular felt deeply personal.

Twenty minutes into the drive, bones creaked against each other, and Agent Mann groggily sat up in the passenger seat. He groaned and yawned. “Ugh, it feels like I put all my muscles through the wringer,” he complained, rubbing his eye sockets and stretching.

Jacob and Xavier looked at him in delighted surprise. “You’re finally up!” they exclaimed in tandem. Adam tilted his head and lifted his pointer finger up in the air.

“But you don’t have any muscles to put through the wringer,” he pointed out. A shit-eating grin turned his lips up.

Agent Mann groaned and slumped over. “Exactly! Owwwww… I am not expending that much soul power for a long time unless I really need to. That was so not worth it.” He stretched again, then sighed and looked over his shoulder at Xavier. “So, how’d it all go?”

They filled him in quickly, Xavier providing just about every detail. In the few times he stumbled over a memory, Adam and Jacob jumped in to help.

“We don’t know what this thing does,” Jacob finished up, fishing the can-like device from his pocket and handing it to a curious Agent Mann. “The best theory I’ve got is that it can be used to speak other languages without training, since Fred pressed the button on it before talking in English. That doesn’t seem terribly helpful in a war against demons, though, so I don’t know.”

Agent Mann studied the alien device for a few seconds. “I can’t say that I have any more of an idea on what this does than you three,” he confessed, “but I can tell you that this thing is swimming in magic spells and charms that I’ve never even felt before. And I’ve been at this job for several centuries. Hell, I’ve been doing it since before the FBI was even founded, was even a seed of a thought.” He shook his head in wonder, turning over the can and simply feeling it. “Just what the hell does it do…? Well, I’m going to send it in to Supernatural Relations so that they can test it, experiment on it.”

Xavier nodded. “Fair enough. We don’t want to use it and actually turn Tiff into coffee.”

Jacob snorted. “Ain’t that the truth,” he muttered.

Agent Mann stuck the device into his pants pocket for safekeeping, which unfortunately created a rather suggestive bulge. Adam happened to glance at it and coughed. Laughter spilled from his mouth, and he cried mirthfully, “M-Mann… It looks like you…!” He wheezed and descended into a fit of snickers before coming up for air. “It looks like you have a boner! PFHEEHEEHEE! Get it!? A fucking boner! PFHEEHEEHEE!”

Mann blinked and looked down. “Oh, so it does.”

Xavier sighed tiredly and turned to frown at his still-snickering friend. “Adam,” he said flatly, “shut up.”

Jacob’s head hit the steering wheel and he groaned.

~o~

ONE HOUR LATER

FBI, WASHINGTON D.C.—SUPERNATURAL RELATIONS DEPARTMENT

“Hullo, Rowling,” a smooth British accent rolled out as the door to the small office opened and presented a tall skeleton wrapped in a black-and-white detective film protagonist’s clothing. The revenant’s skull smiled beatifically as he stepped from the hall outside onto the office’s calming, yellow carpet. Paintings of bursting supernovas and beach boys surfing on ten-foot waves hung on the light green walls, and metal cabinets had been stacked against each other on the wall opposite the white door. A single red oak desk slept in the center of the room, with a computer, several books written in ancient runes, and stacks of papers covering it. A decidedly unimpressed blonde woman sat on the other side of the desk, frowning at the newcomer to her office.

“What do you want Mann?” Rowling sighed, her purple suit wrinkling as she folded her arms across her chest. Her emerald orbs fixed him with a look flatter than a cutting board.

Agent Mann pouted in mock-hurt. “Oh, Rowling, how looks can kill!” he sang. “It pains my heart… not that I have one to be pained, of course.”

Rowling’s forehead met the surface of her desk, causing her Mac laptop to jump a little and a pen to roll a few feet. “Goddammit, Mann, quit it with your stupid jokes,” she groaned. “I already had to clean up Martin’s newest mess down in the Magical Creatures Wing.” Her face gained a few years with each word she spoke. “Does he even realize how damn hard it is to bring baby dragons back to life? And don’t even get me started on the Bermuda Triangle water Tolkien spilled in the Magic Research Wing. The floor there hasn’t stopped smoldering since six this morning.” A very, very exhausted groan croaked from her throat. “You better have some good news for me, or I swear I will burn your bones in a summoning spell.”

Agent Mann blanched. “Someone’s happy to see me,” he mumbled. Then he sighed and brought out the alien device Jacob had given him. “I do have good news, though, actually. All the abducted citizens of Beaver Falls have been returned to their homes, and good relations with the aliens have been secured. As it turns out, they were here to uncover a prophecy about the end of the universe, and one of the prophets they’d taken told it at last. After we left, they gave us this device for help… I think it might just make your day.”

He set it on Rowling’s desk, and the woman gingerly took it, her emerald eyes shooting open. “Interesting,” she murmured as she rolled it over and tapped it once with a long fingernail. A spark shot from it to her finger, and she winced. “Fascinating… this remarkable spellwork… these charms… I’ve—”

“Never seen anything like it?” Mann guessed, nodding. “Neither have I, not in the 500 years since I first became a revenant.”

Blonde locks fell over the woman’s face and she brushed them aside. “This truly could be the discovery of the century,” she said, noticeably more cheerful than she had been seconds ago. “If we could reverse-engineer this spellwork…” Rowling actually salivated at whatever it was she thought, then started and wiped her mouth. She set the device down on the center of her desk. “I must say this is a truly impressive find. Now, then, I must inform Mr. Riggs about this so that he can set up a safe testing room for me. Return to your office and write up a report on your mission.”

Mann sagged. “I hate paperwork…” he whined, and Rowling rolled her startlingly green eyes as she walked past him.

“And don’t think this brings you any higher on my list of people I like, Death Breath,” she told him with a stern glare.

Agent Mann grinned and turned to follow her out of her office. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Witch Bitch.”

“Dull Skull.”

“Wand Blonde.”

“That’s not even a proper insult,” Rowling deadpanned.

Mann huffed. “Oh, shut up! Insult rhyming is hard!”

They were so focused on their mutual insulting, they forgot to close the door. As they continued down the mostly empty hall to their separate destinations, they happened to pass a dark-haired man with a pudgy face who wore a khaki suit and pants. Strangely, a pair of black shades sat over his eyes, even though he was indoors. He wheeled a cart with a cage that contained a periwinkle ghost moping about inside.

Agent Man spared him a brief nod. “Good evening, Bob,” he greeted pleasantly. “You finished with those experiments on possessor-types?”

Bob smiled thinly. “Oh, nearly,” he said amiably.

Rowling sighed. “Just… please don’t screw anything up in a way that might damage shit,” she pleaded. “I’ve had it with magically fixing others’ mistakes today.”

“Of course, Miss Rowling,” Bob said, as calm as a kitten napping in a ray of sunlight. They passed each other by, and Agent Mann and Agent Rowling returned to their bickering. Bob’s pleasant smile thinned to a smirk, and he wheeled the cart into Rowling’s office. He then took a keyring from his pocket and unlatched the ghost’s cage. Upon hearing the metallic click, the transparent spirit perked up immediately and floated out of its cramped prison.

“Now, then, my little ghost… go!” he said, and an Irish accent began to bleed out. “Go and possess this new tool. Use it and push our… friend further and further towards his destiny! Kill anyone standing in your way. Do all this, and I may let you pass on yet!”

The ghost nodded, and flew towards the alien, magical device sleeping on Rowling’s desk, unattended. It vanished inside the can and Bob grinned darkly. The device glowed periwinkle and began to shake. It flipped upright, and then with a crunching of metal, arms extended from its sides, legs extended from its bottom, and it began to grow.

Bob chuckled and left the possessor ghost to its own devices. Behind the glasses, his pure black eyes gleamed with malice. His deed was done; now it was time to wait and witness the wonderful destruction.