Flames. The throne room of my father, King Priam, steeped in a knee high pond of blood. Spilling out their guts, the enemy forces were taking their toll of slaughter on everyone present. My father on his throne, his aged body strapped in leather armor, cut across and leaking guts. A man above him. A mound of flesh caked with blood hidden in shadow held my dead father afloat. It dropped his body, murmuring.

Blood akin to paint dripping the pond below sloshing around as he thrived in his death throes gargling on his blood. I waded in, taking in the scene. A slaughter. Old men, advisors to my father shredded apart before my eyes.

My small body waded forward, swishing in the blood and viscera that choked my throat stiff, my nose screwed, and streamed tears down my face. I couldn't control anything. I watched as dad's body sunk into the blood. The man eyes shining from the throne, bloodshot and hungry like a wolfs stared at me. He stood there and the dim light wasn't enough to make out his form. Blood and muscle. There was that much there. Moving forward, the blood sloshing, staring at the man as he flexed back his arm.

A glitter of steel and a beam of light revealed a blade, thick and short, blood running down forged channels. They pooled at the end, and drip by drip I saw the blood fall.

I wasn't thinking. I kept repeating, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad...

The blade raised. A thick arm shot out, intense pain in my wrist as I felt my body heaved into the air and those bloodshot eyes from the man staring into me. At that time, I wasn't scared. I pissed my pants.

"This little rat..."

His voice came out a sound somewhere between guttural and gravel-like. The blade came down. My body dropped, and I saw the specks of blood splashing in the air before I saw my detached forearm grasped above me. Before I felt the pain, I hit the blood pond and sunk down. Each and every nerve alive with burning, my eyes clasped tight as my mouth as the blood drowned me.

I felt another hit from above plummet into my face. Straight to my left eye. In all my pain, I could still tell something tore it out. It was only then, after I lost my left eye and right arm, that every muscle acted at once.

I remember thrashing about, swimming for my life through that blood pond, unable to see, unable to cry, pain layering every sense of my body but as if twitching like a fish I kept moving. Praising myself for every movement, I like to think I made it out of there like a salmon swimming upstream to breed. Every second was fumbling, then crawling as I made contact with the stone of the castle, then stumbling while running, wiping away blood caked all over me from my one good eye and whimpering like a bitch.

Well, I was what, ten? How old am I now? Fifteen? Seventeen? Really, I stopped counting. Look, I know it sounds horrible. It was. But, if you've ever had something that horrible happen to you, your country taken over and your family killed and being inflicted with a major injury well- things feel a bit different to you.

Mostly, I feel glad to be alive. As for back then? I stumbled down a portal into hell after that. Long story. Had to learn ancient magics from an imprisoned wizard. Had to "befriend"(i.e beat into a pulp and threaten them into submission while using carrot and stick tactics) a demon and a lost angel. Had to seal them in my right arm and left eye respectively, and finally, defeat Satan. Satan was tough. Naturally. As thanks for destroying the source of all evil in this world, God came down to congratulate me.

I stood in the remains of Satan's corpse, tearing out and eating each of his seven hearts to gain his power like the rabid kid I was back then. My face must have been a mess. How embarrassing. I got a tap on the shoulder and there was a floating fat guy with a massive beard like a cloud. Think white santa. That's what I thought when I saw him. We had an informal chat before he finally got down to business as I fried up Satan's wings I plucked off his corpse in a nearby skillet. It was a campfire kind of deal.

"Holy fuck. Laom," said God. That's my name, Laom. "I didn't create you expecting this. You're like, twelve. Holy shit. I thought I knew everything. What are you, some kind of gary stu?"

Gary Stu?

"What the hell is a Gary Stu? I'll have you know, I had a really, really hard time killing the king of all evil!" I complained to God, in person, as people do, I guess.

God looked embarrassed as he took the cooked Satan wing I handed him. Then he chuckled.

"Nevermind. Anyways, how'd you like to take over for Satan? The one who's next in line for king of evil, is, well, quite tame. I think she's really going to tone things down, and you know I like a lot of suffering and drama in the world. You seem like you can handle it! How about it! Power! All the torture you want, all day, every day!"

God was pretty upbeat about this. I didn't understand the situation, but since I had spent the last couple years of my life very strenuously, I-

I waved one of Satan's cooked wings in his cloud beard face.

"God. You screwed me. It's really all your fault. My dad's dead, his kindgom in ruins, I could have died like a billion times in this fight alone. And I'm not giving back that angel I found down here either, okay? She's mine! I saved her! She's the best left eye I could hope for! Finder's keepers!"

"Hey," grumbled God. "This is the king of evil you know? You're the first one to kill one you know? Don't get cocky thinking you could take me on, little brat!"

I shrugged my shoulders with a smug smile creeping onto my face.

"Oh come on, God, my left eye, Gavr, can see that you're not even half of Satan's level. It's explained in video game format. Video game format! But, this one ability, 'Time and Space Magic', that's nice."

"What," God balked at me with narrowed eyes, "you want me to teleport you back in time to save your dad and your kindgom?"

"Screw that. I'm tired. I've spent more than enough time having daring adventures crawling through hell in constant pain, leveling up, and learning crazy magics! I want to go to the laziest time in human history. I want to be the laziest person, in the laziest possible country, where absolutely nothing strange will ever happen to me again! I'm going to lead histories most boring life, from this day forward!"

Before I knew it I was shouting. After I stopped, I took a bite from my Satan wing a chewed, eyeing God for his response.

The most disgusted look I have ever seen graced his fatherly face. Fuck you, God, I'm tired of this shit.

"Well. Whatever floats your boat. I've got the perfect place. Guaranteed income. You could stay inside all day, and, I dunno, read and play games online?"

"Online? I don't know what that is, but if I can stay inside all day and still play around, that sounds perfect. Tell me more."

And that was how I came to live on Earth.