2. Feelings Develop Over Time

Chris

Every Monday was an emotional rollercoaster. I was frustrated with waiting from Monday to Monday to catch a glimpse. That day after school, I had to coach track and field. Practice started later in the afternoon. I was coaching the high-bar students. The year was in full swing, and I kept looking around to see if she would surface at all. I was constantly searching for her. Subconsciously thinking of her. In some assemblies, she wouldn’t even be sitting down. Other weeks she would sit in such a way that we could see each other directly. Those were the most difficult days. It was as if she needed the courage to flirt with me. I felt like I was going insane. I knew I was getting emotionally invested. It had been half a year of toying with each other.

“Was I really going to have to wait another week to see her?” I whispered to myself. “I should really stop doing that… talking to myself.”

“Did you say something, Mr. Rheed?” One of my students asked.

I shook my head. I never used to talk to myself. Somewhere along the line… I got in the habit. I gestured with my chin in the direction of the beam so he could make the jump. He was the last person of the day. We were finally done. The kid walked up to me after. I told him he did a great job and tried to talk him up for that weekend’s competition. Seemed like he got some courage from it. I clapped my hands together, and all the kids present started packing up the gear. Having a good relationship with my students was a priority of mine. I had walked a long road with some of them for years. Knowing I had impure thoughts toward one of them was a serious problem. It was the first time, but it didn’t make my conscience feel better.

After taking back mats and equipment, all the kids dispersed for home. I grabbed my bag and lifted the strap over my head. I had parked close to the gates of the sports field, so I didn’t have to go back to the school grounds. I walked down to the bleachers of the main football field to reach my car. At the top, I saw the hurdle athletes still practicing. They were making a last hundred-meter sprint. Stopping to watch this year’s talent, I saw her running the closest lane past me. She gave it her all until she crossed the finish line. I had stopped breathing again. My heart flopped around like a fish dying on land. Seeing her like that, out of the blue… Being able to actually take in all of her from a distance, doing something else than what I was used to. She bent over, panting with her hands on her knees to cool down after the sprint. Her long legs were painfully visible in her tiny athletics shorts. A crop top tightly spanned over her breasts. Her long hair hanging down next to her face. My mouth was dry, and it took me a few swallows to get myself together.

“Oh, crap,” I muttered. How the hell was I going to move on from that… What irritated me most was that I called her and all the others in the school “girls.” That was what they were. Where did my decency go? Did I have any self-control? The more the year progressed, the worst I felt… I thought I should go see a priest or something.

My old friend Mr. Schneider came up to her with his stopwatch in hand. He touched her shoulder while she was slumped over. She looked at the watch and up at his face, beaming and happy. He nodded, smiled to acknowledge her accomplishment, and patted her on the back. Probably congratulating her. They were sharing a moment. An occurrence he would’ve had many times with some of his students. Real pride and excitement for them. I had done that before. It was no big deal. There was nothing wrong with it, but my gut didn’t agree.

Her torso lifted, hands on her hips. She turned in a circle, taking a few deep breaths. Our eyes met, and her body stiffened for a second. She turned away quickly to pick up a hurdle in a jerky motion. My friend was trailing next to her, speaking as she listened. They were sharing more moments. My jealousy bubbled up for the first time. Protection and need. If I was having impure thoughts about her. I was sure that other men were noticing her too. That usually happened after a certain age, didn’t it? Girls became women.

Need because she had awakened that part of me. I wanted satisfaction. I had buried that side of me. But it seemed to react only to her. “Is this a midlife crisis? Is this how it started?” I shook my head. “I’m way too young for that!” Scared of my own feelings… I took the safe path. Turned on my heels and walked back to the school grounds. I had to give myself some time to cool down. If I went past them, my friend would have called me over. He might even tell me her name. That couldn’t happen. I would have to stay away from her. No… avoid her at all cost.

***

It didn’t help my resolve at home that my wife was there… But she wasn’t there. Absent in every way. Most days, the house’s emptiness left me drained and lonely. There was nothing at home for me anymore but conflict and problems. Our relationship had been like that for three years. I couldn’t take it anymore… No, I didn’t want to. We got married, and everything changed. Sita turned into a completely different person overnight. I had wanted a relationship, but not the one I got. She didn’t touch me. We didn’t even sleep together in the same room anymore. Hadn’t for two years.

Finally, at night… I would lock myself in my study because I had found an escape. A beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile. One that still blushed… when I just looked at her. She didn’t seem like one of those women who would make an issue out of a small thing. “Oh, what do you know? You don’t know her at all.” She was just a tiny escape. I told myself, thinking about leaving my wife and just starting over. It didn’t have to be with this girl.

***

Some more weeks passed like that. Living from Monday to Monday. I wish I could say that I was strong. That I avoided her like I said I would. But before I knew it, I sat in that chair along the wall. Staring at each other wasn’t so uncomfortable anymore. She did it with so much practice that no one would even know. Sometimes I wondered if I might have had the whole thing wrong. She would be speaking with a friend or even a teacher. And she would find me in a crowd. Pierce me with a quick glance and kept talking, pretending to be interested in other things. All I had to do was wait… Those bedroom eyes would always find mine again.

Sports practice also got the better of me. After I was finished for the day, I would walk over to my friend to greet him and chat like always. Wanting to ask him about her, but I knew that would make him suspicious. She would avoid us and steer clear. I started to think that she was uncomfortable with me that close. It never went any further than the secret acknowledgment we had going. I had come to a point where I didn’t care... A little closer to her was all I needed.

I would see my priest in jail…

***

Juliet

Those last few weeks had been torture for me. Chris was moving closer more and more. I pulled away little by little, just waiting in the shadows. There were some moments when I was caught off guard. We would make eye contact over the quad or down a corridor. It was brief but the emotions etched in our eyes were not. I started following him more after school so I could see him alone. Spend time with him. Even if I was just a high school student, I knew what love was. And with Chris, it was different. He was older, and for some reason. Because he was a loner. It appealed to me. As if he wasn’t human as well… Serious but with delicate features. Soft brown eyes.

The pull I experienced towards that man was growing. If that was at all possible. I couldn’t explain it. There had always been something about him. I didn’t want him to think badly of me… But I also couldn’t keep myself from breaking that habit… The need or want to see him. I was obsessed. The thing was that one could be obsessed from far off. So I steered clear and was happy to have the fantasy… That there was something more going on. All of it started because he changed his seat on a Monday.

I didn’t tell my parents. Scared that they would freak out about me liking a human. I got more lectures from my friends… They had noticed Chris’s behavior change. His wife, on the other hand, seemed too stupid to notice. I still got a funny vibe from her and avoided going anywhere close to where she would be.