Gab tried to focus on the future. Uni was starting in a couple of days. Robbie wasn’t taking her baby. River had gained almost three kilos, was an experienced feeder and was becoming very interested in the world. Gab didn’t really want to put him in childcare, not just yet; she missed him enough when Freya took him on a walk in the evening, even though Gab also craved the oxygen of space. So, while he was on the waiting list at two local childcare centres, her intention was to take him to class with her. Freya was busy with her own full-time study and her ushering job; besides, she already did so much help out and Gab didn’t want to ask for more. So, why not take River along to class? It seemed as natural to bring him with her as it did to bring her backpack—notwithstanding the vast differences in nature between the two. Gab assumed others would see it that way too; what could be more important than looking after her child, and why should she miss out on her education because of it? River took up less room than her backpack, even if he was a little more distracting.

Lectures were posted online and could be accessed later, so Gab only had four contact hours a week of tutorials to manage. Anticipating this, she oscillated between feeling that it would be entirely impossible to juggle study and parenting—some days she could barely string a sentence together and couldn’t be bothered eating much—and other days she couldn’t wait to get back into learning. The reality of constant physical contact with her baby, of always being needed, raised Gab’s hackles sometimes; it triggered her implicit recollections of how she had been trapped, buried under responsibility, throughout all her teenage years. At the same time, Gab loved River and couldn’t imagine life without him. He was part of her. And he would be part of her study and her vocation.

Classes started and Gab became a pro at strapping fluffy-headed River onto her and carrying him around on her front or her back. The wrap in which River nestled was like a second womb. Gab even figured out how to feed River in there. Of course, sometimes she did take him out to feed him and the immature, inexperienced students around her would look at her with complete surprise, or disgust, or incredulity—as though she wasn’t doing something that human beings had been doing since the beginning of time, something that ensured their survival. Gab had come a long way from the timid, responsible child who was afraid of rocking the boat, or of offending others in the slightest, or of exposing any part of her body to the outside world. Motherhood brought with it a tenacious drive to do the best for her baby, no matter who was around.

One of her two tutors didn’t bat an eyelid when she brought River with her to class. Gab had emailed before the start of classes to half ask, half explain that she would be bringing her infant along. In fact, that one tutor was incredibly supportive, making sure Gab was comfortable, checking in with her to make sure she was coping with reading and assessment demands, making sure she knew she was free to talk with her about any concerns she might have. Gab’s other tutor made her feel like her baby was an alien on a foreign planet, an intruder who didn’t belong anywhere near a university campus—however, Gab’s newfound obstinacy, her stubborn tenacity, tided her over. She mostly attended anyway. But she did miss four tutorials (which was the maximum she was allowed to miss and still pass the subject) because it wasn’t particularly easy to sit there and feel alienated.

Some of the other students got behind her though, and by the end of semester, River had become something of a celebrity. Her peers gradually adjusted to the idea of her breastfeeding in class (Freya rolled her eyes when Gab told her about their initial reactions), and many would stop Gab to say hi and baby-talk with River. A couple of other students even offered to hold him in class while Gab finished off written exercises, especially on those days when he was extra fussy or didn’t want to sit in the pram. As the initial walls of nervous unfamiliarity were worn down, Gab’s classmates became a community that was part of her journey, buoying her up and carrying her along—even if that one tutor continued to be obstinately aloof and a few students stayed persistently disengaged and ignored them both.