From: Kamal E Y [email protected]>

To: Sabrina [email protected] >

Sent: 16 November, 1999 10:21 PM

Subject: for my dearest girl

My everything,

Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life in recent years. We talked and talked and talked about everything. We went through all emotions. Starting from relief, then sadness, crying, tears, whining, happiness, ecstasy, desire, kiss, sex, everything. It was like we lived a life together. I love you more than ever, much more than you think. I didn't want you to hang up. To talk all night. To discuss everything, to shift all your burden to my shoulders.

Today I went to mailcity and rad the mail you sent on Friday and Saturday. I haven't read the mail you sent on Sunday. You can go and delete them. You always make me excited. When I read the Saturday mail, I could not hold myself back. Today night I will imagine the whole thing that you fantasized on Saturday morning. Yesterday night when we talked, you made me so much excited that I couldn't sleep until 1 o'clock. I want you sooo badly. We could have sex through phone (even if it will not be sufficient for us), but every time someone kept coming to my room. Next time, we will.

When you cried yesterday, I couldn't say or do anything. Imagine my situation. My woman crying in front of me and I couldn't even say something. My project leader was here. This is why I say I don't like the job too much. When I went home and thought about that, my eyes became filled with tears. I didn't cry. But I wished to cry, to give vent to my feelings. I couldn't. You are so lucky, you cry and laugh so easily. Emptying your mind always. This is one reason I say you are innocent. You always try to keep your mind clear. So you think and think until you find a solution. You are used to it. You plan everything. You said you don't like to make decisions. But you always want a decision. As I told yesterday, you have to ask me before jumping into decisions. And I don't want you to think too much of our future problems.

I too know life will not be a cakewalk for us. But I keep it pending. You should also do it. For that, the first thing you should know is I will never abandon you. When the problems come I will be with you. What will happen to us, we will not know now. But I will be always there. Maybe the world will change to a better place. Maybe all our problems will vanish after some years. Maybe you can come to live with my parents here. Who knows? So better wait for everything to happen. Anyway taking decisions will not end our problems. It will hurt us now. Why we should hurt us now thinking that we may feel hurt in the future. We have crossed the point of going back. Any bad decision will hurt us badly. Why should we hurt ourselves NOW to avoid the "possibility" of getting hurt after many years? Do you understand what I say?

I know you can't help thinking. It is the same with me too. But I always tend to postpone it. Because I know it will never help in relieving me. Maybe in the future, the problems may not be the same problems as we are thinking of now. The problems of today may vanish and new problems may come. Then all our planning will go waste. So wait for the problems. Study closely the problem when it comes. Understand the exact nature of problems. Then only we can take any decision or plan. I think your job also has something to do with your way of thinking. You always have to think in an arranged and ordered way in your job. That is why they employ you, to make all arranged and ordered. You don't have to think too much of logic. You make your plans and go according to it. But my job is different. Planning never works. Every now and then I have to change the plans because some unseen problem will suddenly spring up. For you too it may happen, but those are exceptions, right? So I have to take everything on the way.

Therefore I ask you to leave the decision making to a later time. Try not to think of them in a problem-solving way. Try to think we are together against a common enemy. We will fight it when it comes. This is not a suggestion from me. This is my command!!! You must do this.

Will you do a favour for me? Can you please check the fight timings and ticket charges from here to there? I have to save money for our meeting. I know you are too busy with your work. When you get free time, try to check this, OK?

You told about your desire to touch Kelvin's face. You know I don't even want you to talk to any other person. I am too possessive. But I know this is unreasonable. That is why I never told you this. I am more unreasonable than you. But the difference between us is I have a bad ego, which you don't have. So I never tell you anything like this. I always try to play "gentleman". But you, when you cry, you are shattering my ego into pieces. I feel so ashamed then. Your tears are eroding the last bits of my bad self-pride. When you said you want to touch Kelvin's face, I don't know what I felt. I didn't say openly not to do that. But my heart was screaming.

Tomorrow when you send the mail, don't forget to send a copy to my office id. By any chance, if I couldn't access the internet, I don't want to miss your mail.

Yesterday you told that you thought that I didn't call you on Sunday because I don't want you. I can't believe it. What in this whole wide world made you think so? If I don't want you I would have said OK when you talked about quitting. Do you have any doubt? You should never think like that. If I ever feel that I don't want you what I will do is not to stop calling and emailing. What I will do is to tell you directly that I have problems with you. Let your Buddha never make this happen to us. Why should he hurt us?

Did you call me today? Just now my project leader told me that I had an ISD call. Was it you? I will try to call you today. Don't be angry if I am late to call. Today when you called I might have been gone to practice. Why every time this happens? Hmmm...your Buddha is jealous.

I am leaving now. I have so much to write about. But now I will try to call you. I will continue in the next mail.

With all the love I have

Kamal