From: Kamal E Y [email protected] >

To: Sabrina [email protected] >

Sent: 26 December, 1999 01:33 PM

Subject: Don't give me your happiness

Dear,

Don't give me your happiness. You can give it to anyone in this world. There will be a lot of people to take your happiness. You give me your sadness. Nothing else. If I couldn't share your sadness, then I am not worth your love. Please don't treat me like a stranger. There are few things in this world which make me cry. The last time I cried was when I was 14 or 15. But yesterday when I went home after calling you, I could feel my eyes filling with tears while walking through the road. Yesterday I hung up the phone not because of anyone waiting or because of money. I couldn't stand you crying and helplessly standing in a telephone booth miles away. You will never know each of your tears makes me weak as well as strong. It makes me weak to talk to you. It makes me strong to meet all the challenges against us.

It is 10:15 now. I am still waiting for your call. I know you have written you will not call. Ok, it is up to you. But I will wait. I will be here until the afternoon. Then I have to wash my clothes and go with Ojas to bring his luggage. Ojas came today morning. I told about all our problems. He told me he could not understand why you cried. I didn't tell him what you told me about your life. If I told him that he will blame m for allowing you to keep such a feeling in you even if we have been in love for 6 months.

I can take any hurt from you. I won't mind. But you are making me feel humiliated. Even after all these words, I couldn't make you feel secure and protected. I admit I failed in those. But don't tell me that you feel unwanted. Don't tell me that your life has been destroyed. You can tell me 100 stories of our life which made you feel destroyed. But I can tell you 1000 stories, of people who never gave up anything to life. They are the ones who tasted victory. "He who laughs laugh has the best laugh."

I received your poem now. But let us face the truth. We both are far away and I cannot do anything for you sitting here. Till yesterday night, I thought I could comfort you through my words even if I am far away. Till yesterday I thought we are together even if separated by miles. Till yesterday I thought I made a change in your life. Till yesterday I felt like a man. But not now, your tears crushed me. How can I say I am your lover if I cannot even keep you away from crying on simple things?

You want to "recombine" yourself. Without any help. Can I ask where dies I come into the picture? Do you think of me as a colleague in your office who leaves you to do your work? You are mistaken.

I can give you any number of poems about patience and love. There are many lines written by great men about them. I like literature very much. They give me the desire to live. I live not to "accept", I live to win. I play to win, not for fun. Any number of poems I can write...

Brave, bear this cross with courage,

Love and patience will repay.

Love:-For it is the suffering flesh, it is suffering, it is death that lovers perpetuate upon the earth. Love is at once the brother, son, and father of death, which is its sister, mother, and daughter. And thus it is that in the depth of love there is a depth of eternal despair, out of which springs hope and consolation.

But there is no use writing all these. It is not going to change anything. You said yesterday there is no hope for you. Hope is an attitude. It is not a possession if you don't have hope, it does not mean that there is nothing. I have hope for you too.

I feel disappointed. You cried twice in the hotel while you worked. You never told me. I can bear anything but this, keeping me away from you. Not that I can do anything to stop your tears in the hotel. But at least it was my right to know.

Don't try to keep me happy. I am already very happy because you don't tell me about your crying in the hotel. Continue crying in private. I will be too happy. After all, the main thing in our relationship is to make ME happy, right?

Happy Kamal