It’s late at night now. And Goblins can see perfectly fine in the dark. Which is a problem when you’re trying to be sneaky and you don’t know how.

“Hey Rock, is that you?”

It’s Dagger. Fuck.

“Hey Dagger… how was the raid?”

“Complete FAILURE!... but I did stab a chicken to death!”

My mouth instantly waters at the word chicken, and for several seconds the only thing I can imagine is a nice roasted chicken getting browner and browner as the smell of fresh meat and fat gets stronger and—

“Wait, did you…leave the chicken behind?”

Dagger nods, “Had to… humans.”

“Humans.” I spit.

“Well, tomorrow we’re attacking the Elves!”

Elves are only marginally less cruel than humans…at least you die quick. So, I nod enthusiastically, “Can’t wait!” and try to keep walking.

That doesn’t work. “Hey Rock, why are you heading toward Chief’s tent?”

FUCK! “Oh no reason, I… I have something I’d like to-to talk about?”

Dagger looks at me, his eyes narrowing in the face of a lie that’s obvious but sounds reasonable, except for the part where the entire village knows that unless the whole village is under attack, you don’t even dare walk in the Chieftain’s huts general direction at night!

“Are you trying to get the Chief to put you on scout duty!”

Thank Yeezus for you, Dagger! And your smooth goblin brain! I nod enthusiastically. “Yes!”

“Well”—he grabs my arm and starts to pull—“I just need to take you to Uncle Left Hand! We lost a few scouts today, and he’s been recruiting for more!”

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I think a part of me snaps, and before I realize it, I dome Dagger with a rock.

Dagger has taken -8 damage from Rocks, Rock!

“Aww fuck fuck, I’m sorry!” I scream in a harsh whisper as I grab Dagger’s limp body and drag him into some bushes. Some particularly thick bushes. Very dense, totally not obvious a Goblin suffered a near-fatal head injury and is bleeding profusely!

Once I find a suitable hiding location, I disrobe Dagger and wrap his head tight with his own loincloth. Hopefully, he’s out for a while. More hopefully, he didn’t see me do it. Fuck.

FUCK.

Ok, ok. It’s not that bad. It’s not that bad. I can do this. I can—I can, oh I just hit Dagger. With a rock. On purpose/accident. I hit him HARD.

I run. I run in the cover of darkness, ducking every time I see the vague silhouette of another Goblin minding their own business. The closer I get to the Chief’s tent, the fewer goblins I see, but I pay attention to move as silently as my short stumbling legs can manage as I climb up the side of the hill where the rocks obscure the view. Of course, if anyone is at the bottom of the hill, they will see me, which makes me move even faster.

My heart is pounding in my chest, and my legs burn. My arms feel ridiculously heavy. Panic screamed at me in every language known to goblin-kind! I want to throw up when I finally make it up the hill. Instead, I collapse on my back, heaving and wheezing as the grass and gravel feel like razer blades to my skin, compelling me to get up. It’s not over.

The huts doors swing open as a pair of Goblins burst out from the entrance. I nearly scream, but instead, I roll out of the way as fast as I can and right off the side of the cliff.

“Hey, did you hear that!?” one Goblin shouts in a drunken slur as I go falling down the cliff and go-

THUNK

**********

Oh, my head…

“Oh god, it’s still nighttime?” That or I finally hit my head enough times that I can’t tell the difference between night and day. Permanent brain damage and Goblins go hand in hand.

“Arrrgh.” Getting up hurts, and I honestly would rather sit down and let… Oh yeah. Giant rats. My old friends. Their rustling is heard between the rocks that surround me as I lay here contemplating letting them eat me. This mountain is home to thousands of them and they love baby goblins, or injured ones. So I start chucking rocks in random directions, throwing and throwing as ammo is plentiful, and even small rocks thrown at the right speed can make a difference. Eventually, I hear them screech as they decide to run in retreat rather than risk getting brained.

Good riddance.

I look up and see the edge of the hut.

“The staff won’t steal itself.”

But first, some of these rocks look pretty good.