The News

Good morning, fools and unfortunates.

First we bring you the latest questing news: there is no news.

That is if you're not counting the fact that we've driven The Fourth, our dark robed friend, out of the union. We were going to give his plans for you all the benefit of the doubt at first. Then we looked at the first scroll on his table, and saw our next publication would be Guide: Building a Self-Decapitation Device in 126 Easy Steps. We tried, but we honestly just couldn't see how that would be good for you.

He went quickly enough. He could have probably wiped us all out with a wave of his bony, talon-like hands, but instead he just fled with a knowing cackle which reverberated around the pub for some moments after. The fact that he did not try to fight us can only mean one thing: The Fourth is a certified Big Bad. Such foes are never over and done with in one adventure. They enjoy making a bit of a fuss first.

For now, we've bravely decided to soldier on as a threesome. There was quite a bit of sniggering around the pub when we announced that. If you have any ideas as to what's so wrong, please get in touch.

Now that we're not secretly being influenced to kill you all off, we thought we best get some more valuable advice out there straight away. Do you talk adventurer?

How to Talk Adventurer

We have a troubling fact for you: adventuring is a job. This is especially true since the exhaustion of decent quests in Questworld, now there are about 17.5 heroes for every dead-end mission. It also seems that every quest-giver in these lower cells of Tripeak wants a seasoned veteran to check on grandma's assisted living cottage, even though you all need quests to become anywhere near seasoned. Just remember, every discussion with the mildly worried and the lazy slob is an interview; they can always pass on you and hand over Doris' spare key to the next axe-wielding psycho in line. But never fear: you have a valuable tool at your disposal. Your tongue. Even if you know no charm spells, but if our goblins' descriptions of you are accurate, we would highly recommend them too.

There IS NO 'adventurer tone' you should adopt for dealing with residents. I mean there is, all the "Never fear, I'll risk my life plunging into a cave of fireworms to recover your teapot" stuff, but no-one likes that shit. It just sounds desperate.

The key is this: adapt to your audience. Every situation is different. Let your mind become that of the quest-giver. Feel how they put their sentences together, and respond in kind. Imitation can go a loooooong way. Here's some examples:

* When a high lord or king seems to be treating you like a dog, become one. Respond only in barks and pants. Run around on all fours. If you have a tail, wag it. They'll lap it up. Or maybe that's you.

* When one of those fancy pantsy mages distractedly babbles a load of gobbledegook at you, just babble right back. Look concerned. String some syllables together. When he asks you to calibrate the speridium diaphragm, ask if he's considered adding an additional sonifigraphical whizzigoggle motor to the assembly first, so as not to blow up the entire cell when he switches it on. You'll get two quests where there was just one, and get paid twice! There'll just be the small matter of finding something that could be a sonifigraphical whizzigoggle motor first. And try not to pick something that really could blow us all up.

* When a common thug asks you to do something dodgy, add a few mates, guvs and geezers to your response. There's obviously some other really bad realm of existence where everyone's a thief. Or maybe we're just all guilty of discrimination and clasissm. Either way, it works, alright mate?

* Buy a thesaurus for when you're defending the innocent. Little Timmy doesn't need to be thinking of gruesome murder when he asks you to get him 10 wolf paws to decorate his toy wagon. Keep the break in reality alive. You're not slaughtering, you're 'clearing'. You're not looting the still-warm corpses of your victims, you're 'collecting'. You're not a bloodthirsty homeless intruder roaming the Hive looking to stir up trouble when you should just be settling down to a lifetime of joy on a farm somewhere and leaving everyone be. You're an 'adventurer'.

The Final Step - Getting a Bigger Reward

So, through the use of empathy and adapting your speech, you've got the sorry quest on offer. Yay! But what's this? A copper? A wilting leek? A rotten wooden shield? Rewards are usually only revealed once you've been accepted, or even after the work! And they're often... not very good. You deserve better, and you can get better by following these easy steps, regardless of whatever speech you've made so far. The quest is already yours.

1. Draw yourself up to full height.

2. Loom over the quest-giver and furrow your brow. (Never use moisturisers. Wrinkles help.)

3. Place a hand firmly but gently around the quest-giver's throat.

4. Raise the king/grandma/Little Timmy into the air.

5. Yell "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT! MORE! GIVE ME MORE!" as loud as you can into their pale, trembling face.

They'll give you more. You're welcome.

This guide brought to you by the threesome at the Questworld Union Of Underworked Adventurers.