[MrJiong]: a crush…?

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi has logged off]

Ten years ago, that was probably, word for word, how things would have gone. But that was ten years ago, and no matter how flushed and mortified and stupid Xi felt for not checking which chat he was venting in before venting, he was now an adult that had (some) experience in handling such awkward turns.

So, instead of an immediate logoff, that wordless ellipsis was followed by:

[XiErXi]: haha whoops, wrong chat!

And that was followed by Xi murmuring, as he walked in stumbling steps to the station exit: “Don’t ask, don’t ask, don’t fucking ask…”

[MrJiong]: eh? but…

[MrJiong]: wasn’t it jiongjiong that you just met today?

[MrJiong]: or was there someone else you met today for the first time?

That… didn’t that make it seem like, no, make the whole drift of the conversation feel like the complaint of a jealous lover to his love? Frazzled, Xi could only stall.

[XiErXi]: it’s not that

[XiErXi]: it’s just, I was joking with a friend

[XiErXi]: I’ve caught your disease lately I guess, haha. Call all sorts of things jiong

[MrJiong]: …

[MrJiong]: it didn’t seem like a joke though?

Oh, come on! Now he was serious??

[XiErXi]: what can I say, the jokes in my circle are deep like that

[MrJiong]: …

[MrJiong]: still, though…

[XiErXi]: what? Don’t tell me you actually want me to crush on you?

[XiErXi]: aren’t you straight, lol?

The cold spring wind scoured Xi from all sides as he finally emerged onto street level. He kept eyeballing those two, madly daring sentences, and picking them over for inconsistencies, for tells. Captain Jiong’s status switched between ‘typing’ and nothing over and over again.

[MrJiong]: I’m gay.

“Doesn’t mean he’s not got a boyfriend,” Xi told himself, sternly. “Or that you’re his type. Just, just play it cool, play it cool…”

[XiErXi]: oh, yeah? Wouldn’t have guessed, haha

[MrJiong]: …

“Oh my fucking god, now it’s me laughing and laughing like a fucking idiot,” Xi muttered. “Fuck.”

[XiErXi]: so I guess the question stands~ so please answer~

[XiErXi]: do you want~ my crush~

“If Claire could see this, she’d fucking kill me,” Xi couldn’t help but say, fighting back an embarrassed smile. Somehow, the thought of the kind of reply he’d most likely get back no longer worried him. He’d often dealt with his inappropriate crushes like this before, hadn’t he? Laughter and teasing always muted the sting.

[MrJiong]: ah, um~ jiongjiong has something to say~

[MrJiong]: if God Xi doesn’t like it, jiongjiong will go away~

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong is actually… it’s jiongjiong that has a crush on god Xi… [blushes]

“What…”

Really… could this guy be serious…?

[XiErXi]: are you being serious right now?

[MrJiong]: …yes [blushes]

This… how to say it… even if it was serious, even if it was technically the thing that Xi hadn’t dared to imagine would be real…

[XiErXi]: omg

[MrJiong]: ??!

[XiErXi]: how is your gap1 this big? Isn’t this a fucking canyon?

[MrJiong]: but does God Xi-er… does God Xi also…?

[XiErXi]: you can’t call your boyfriend ‘God’ anything

[XiErXi]: rule number fucking one, ok?

[MrJiong]: !!!

[MrJiong]: then… then… Xi-er~?

[XiErXi]: not that either! Xi! Just Xi!!

[MrJiong]: Xi~ Xi~

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: there’s really no helping you, is there

[MrJiong]: from a young age, jiongjiong has been a lost cause~

[MrJiong]: games and Xi~ Xi and games are all I love in this life~

[XiErXi]: didn’t you only just subscribe to my channel like two or three months ago??

[MrJiong]: even new love can be deep love~

How was it that, at this time, instead of solely cringing at the rotten meng, God Xi, no, Xi-er, no, just Xi, was feeling strangely, helplessly flattered?

[XiErXi]: I’d pay crystal to hear you say that shit with a straight face

[MrJiong]: no need~ jiongjiong will do it for free~

MrJiong is requesting to talk to you on [link], [accept] or [deny]?

Immediately, Xi hit accept, and just as immediately regretted it. If this was somehow meant to be one long, horrible prank, or some other form of joke, now would be the best time to spill the beans. The best time to chuckle and say how funny it was that your joking lies were so easily believed.

“Um,” Captain Star’s warm, slightly hoarse voice said, “this… uh, new love…”

Xi couldn’t help but hold his breath.

“…fuck.”

Xi, standing just outside the door to his flat, had to cover his mouth to smother an unstoppable giggle. “Well?” he said, struggling to keep his tone sharp. “I’m waiting.”

“I can’t,” was the low, helpless answer. “It’s just…”

“Whaaaat? One simple, cheesy sentence, you can type it, but you can’t say it out loud to me?”

“It’s, it’s just different.”

“How?”

“It’s different, knowing you can hear whatever I’m saying. Usually… usually I’m just listening to you.”

Something about the quiet, almost guilty tone of the voice Xi could hear made him abruptly certain that listening wasn’t all that the captain had done, when he was watching Xi stream. He’d listened, and looked, and maybe he’d even sometimes taken to doing so only in private, the way most non-porn streamers actively pretended wasn’t a thing that happened, even though there was often a portion of their regular subscribers that never, ever said anything in chat. That possibly didn’t want to give away their helpless excitement, their secret, inappropriate lusts…

“How’s this going to work when I want to see you?” Xi finally said, as his flat door began to grind its way closed behind him. He felt hot under the collar. He wanted… but surely it was stupid, worse than stupid, to suggest doing anything like he was imagining on the first fucking night that they’d got across to each other. “Your schedule, I know it’s probably kind of…”

“If it’s during the week, I’m afraid you’ll have to be the one coming up here,” the captain said. “Weekends though, Sundays particularly, that I can do, when we’re not playing an away game.”

“Ah. You know, all of a sudden, I’m really, really really glad I’m not Claire’s cousin.”

“Oh?” The smile in his tone let Xi know that he probably already understood what Xi was leading up to saying. “Really?”

“Your eSport papers’ hacks would have a field day with it,” Xi muttered. “Trading favours, secret family connections, that sort of thing.”

“For me, I’d honestly prefer it if the two of you were related,” Captain Jiong said, his tone of voice still warm, still amused. “I’d love to take advantage of something like that.”

“Really?” Xi said, though his own growing, foolish smile had faltered. “That’s a bit…”

“If we won, you’d come over to celebrate,” Captain Jiong said, his voice low and hot. “If we lost, you’d come by to comfort her, and no one would think anything of your stopping by my office for a chat.”

Xi flushed, well able to imagine the kind of thing they’d be able to get up to in that situation. “I don’t, I wouldn’t usually…”

“You wouldn’t do it after every loss,” was the still low answer. “Just the worst ones. Usually, what happens is the parents or family or agents give me a call, but since you’re fairly nearby, I know you’d try to come by in person.”

Just hearing his low, persuasive voice was enough stimulus to make Xi all too able to see the scene, to imagine what exactly would happen. He’d go over, toting a hasty mix of whatever pastries were to hand, and he’d hug Claire and say something comforting, and then, on his way out, the captain would just happen to be there. Xi would be the one to ask for a moment of his time, only to fall to his knees the moment the door ground shut behind them.

They wouldn’t even speak. The topic of the team, or Claire’s place in the starting lineup, it wouldn’t even come up. All Xi would use his mouth for, for the frantic quarter hour they could justify being hidden, was to suck and lick and swallow.

“I’m never, ever going to do that,” Xi found himself saying, his tone sharper than it probably should have been. “I don’t—I’d much rather there wasn’t any, any possibility of people being able to interpret our behaviour as, as if we were trading favours.”

“Can I take that as a promise?” The captain’s tone was gentle, but something about the way he said those words made them sound unspeakably lewd. “Will you only ever comfort me for free?”

“Fuck off,” Xi muttered. “Stop teasing, you know I’m trying to be serious.”

“Sorry,” was the low answer. “I’ll stop, I’ll stop.”

Xi flushed, caught between the urge to mutter that the other man didn’t need to stop all his teasing, and the equally strong urge to keep up a cool front as long as possible. He half wished they were together right now, just so he could get a better idea of what on earth Captain Jiong was really thinking, even though it would mean having to stand up to the confusion of having that face and that voice wielded against him.

“It’s not that I think that you, personally, need those lines drawn,” Xi said, though of course that wasn’t completely true. “It’s just that I don’t want it unclear where I stand on this sort of thing.”

“That’s understandable,” was the serious response, and Xi couldn’t help but shiver and feel despairing at the fact that, even when Captain Jiong wasn’t going out of his way to be seductive, that fucking voice still tripped him up. “Entirely understandable.”

“Right,” Xi murmured, all while thinking cool it, cool it, don’t give away your stupid sex-crazed brain, “so. Would this Sunday work?”

“For what?”

“I thought…” Xi blinked, then flushed again, caught between outrage and mortification at the way he’d almost fallen into the captain’s trap. How he could sound so perfectly serious when deliberately asking such a redundant question… “A, you’re a teasing arsehole, and B, we could meet.”

“You’re right on both counts,” was the smooth answer. “How’s six PM sound, for Sunday?”

“Meeting each other halfway, or me heading over?”

“Oh, definitely halfway.”

Don’t think about his tone, Xi told himself, biting his lip. Just listen to the words, and reply normally. But the ability to be cool about the hookup—and it was a hookup, no matter how hard they tried to dress it up as them ‘meeting’—had utterly deserted him. “Hotel?” he found himself asking, his voice low, his breathing slightly sped up.

“Yes. We can do—how does this one look?”

[MrJiong]: ?

[XiErXi]: [thumbs up]

[XiErXi]: it’s a little bit further from you, though?

“Actually, it’s one of the few places without a bar that’s still easily reachable for me,” Captain Jiong said. “Bars mean I’d have a far too high chance of running into someone from my team, or worse, someone from one of my old teams.”

“Wait, wait, are you saying you’re not out?” Because if Xi had to put up with doing the kind of covert sneaking around that that required, he wasn’t sure he’d want to get into anything with this man.

“I’m out, it’s just, I’ve not dated, at least not publicly, since I switched over to Fields of Valour from Hallows,” was the hesitant explanation. “And, uh, when I was playing Hallows, I was a bit…”

Xi, already having pulled up a search window to double check the possible bullshit he was being fed, couldn’t help but widen his eyes at what he’d found. HALLOWS’ WHORES: AN EXPOSE, RAUNCHY ROMP FOR THE RUNNER-UPS, FILTH IN THE FINALS, BETTING BLOWIES ‘NO BIG DEAL’, STARMIKE’S SLEAZY ESCAPADES… that was just the tip of the iceberg for what came up under ‘starmike gay’, and though most of it was at least eight years old, there were a couple slightly more recent ‘then and now’ type articles. “What I’m seeing in search looks like much more than ‘a bit’,” Xi murmured. “What actually happened?”

“The Hallows scene was… unique,” Captain Jiong said. “Nearly everyone in the pro scene came up from this circle of local tourneys held by internet cafes in the neighbourhood. We were all young, and hormonal, and that plus a few bigger-than-expected sponsorships, and the game going viral for a bit, it all kind of meant a lot of drama.”

“…right,” Xi said, not sure whether he should be more disturbed by the gulf between Captain Jiong’s responsible appearance and his thoroughly debauched past, or the fact that he’d managed to keep any further debauchery so tightly under wraps that none of the eSports tabloids could even get a sniff of it. “Well, I suppose that’s, um, that’s definitely a reason to keep a low profile.”

“I won’t say that it’d be, you know, catastrophic, if someone saw us and passed it on to the wrong person, it’s just that the tone of the speculation might be, at least in the short term…”

“Unpleasant?” A reluctant skim through HALLOWS’ WHORES was certainly that, the article being a seething soup of fervent, moralistic outrage with a prurient emphasis on every dirty detail that could be dug up or inferred. The female players that had been involved naturally got the short end of the stick, but the treatment of the gay or bisexual male players wasn’t much better, especially if they were bottoms, as starmike had been rumoured to be.

“It really depends on who gets the tip-off,” Captain Jiong said. “Game Weekly would call me for quotes, butcher them, and spin it as a reformed man falling into you and your cousin’s, I mean non-cousin’s sinister plot to snatch a spot on the main roster.”

“How charming.”

“Tab Target would have an opinion piece saying I was back to my old tricks, and Quick Clicks would echo them, but also imply that hard drugs were involved, and add that you might have taken money from our opponents to drag down my team’s performance.”

“So are you trying to say we shouldn’t meet up and fuck?”

“Oh, definitely not. I’m just, I think it’s fair that you’ve a heads up about what it might be like, if, if this isn’t just…”

“A one night stand?” Xi didn’t know quite how to feel, saying that; much as he felt relieved that there wasn’t any kind of heavy expectation in play for their future relationship, he also couldn’t help but feel a little sad that Captain Jiong might not want anything more than a casual fuck.

“Oh, I think we can stretch to at least three nights, don’t you?”

“We’ll see,” Xi said, unable to keep back a smile. “I really should sign off now, I’ve got a shitload of work backed up.”

“Oh, I’m—I totally forgot you were technically still at work, sorry…”

[jjcool]: you did WHAT???

[XiErXi]: 囧

[jjcool]: heolllll!!!!!!2

[jjcool]: have you fucked? Was he good? Are you keeping him??

[XiErXi]: omg what kind of whore do you take me for?? NO, no of course we haven’t fucked

[jjcool]: aiiiieeeee just what is this…

[XiErXi]: that’s scheduled for next week [smirk]

[jjcool]: !!

[jjcool]: get it boy!!

[jjcool]: oh wait, I forgot, new format right?

[jjcool]: get it~ get it~

[XiErXi]: ugghhhhh don’t remind meeeee

For you see, though common mores and all prevailing theory regarding how one should conduct oneself in the august presence of One’s Crush generally emphasized putting your best foot forward, it had been all too clear that Captain Mike Star, a.k.a. Captain Jiong, a.k.a. the dreaded jiongjiong, had somehow managed to spend all twenty-five years of his shameless life entirely unaware of that key fact. Though he was well-mannered enough to keep the worst of his mannerisms to their private chat, and to never spam anything in said chat while Xi was busy working or streaming, it just meant that the full horror of his jiong hit even harder whenever there was sufficient time and privacy available.

Consider, if you dare, the time that Xi scrounged up enough courage to ask an exploratory question regarding who would top:

[MrJiong]: ah, regarding that~

[MrJiong]: don’t believe the rumours~

[MrJiong]: even though jiongjiong looks like this, jiongjiong has always preferred to top~

[XiErXi]: what do you mean, looks like this, looks like fucking what?

[XiErXi]: no matter how you look at it, don’t you look more fucking manly than me??

[MrJiong]: well~ you see~

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong used to look like this: [cute young jiongjiong.jpg]

[XiErXi]: …hey

[XiErXi]: WTF happened to you since then???

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong was still growing then~

[XiErXi]: no fucking kidding

[MrJiong]: ah~ um~ can jiongjiong ask~

[XiErXi]: obviously you fucking can! god!!1!

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong worries that Xi-er… that Xi prefers the old jiongjiong…

[XiErXi]: …this kind of thing

[XiErXi]: why the everloving FUCKK would I be salivating over you right now if you weren’t the type I really like??

[MrJiong]: aha~ [blushes]

[XiErXi]: how the fuck can you blush!!!1

[XiErXi]: were you seriously fxxing fishing for compliments

[MrJiong]: nooo~ jiongjiong wouldn’t~

[XiErXi]: you obviously fucking would!!! shameless!!

[MrJiong]: ahh~ nooo~ jiongjiong isn’t shameless~

[XiErXi]: in what possible fucking way???

[XiErXi]: if YOU aren’t shameless then WTAF does the word even mean????

[MrJiong]: but~ but~ jiongjiong can feel shame~

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong still feels ashamed of how much milk jiongjiong has spilled out while watching Xi’s stream~

As you can see, if it wasn’t one type of shamelessness, it was definitely the other.

[XiErXi]: you…!!! Milk? MILK??

[XiErXi]: are you fuckin TWELVE???

[MrJiong]: ah, but~

[MrJiong]: God Xi-er already thinks jiongjiong is shameless though~

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong can’t use those wicked words in front of God Xi-er~

There wasn’t much one could say in the face of such rotten meng, especially when pretending not to see it only resulted in the following kind of tears:

[MrJiong]: ah~ ah~ tomorrow ah ah~

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong’s xiao3 jiong is excited ah~ ah~

[XiErXi]: we’re now meeting at 7 pm instead of 6 pm, right? Because of your team thing?

[MrJiong]: right~ right~

[XiErXi]: cool, ok

[MrJiong]: yup~ yup~ yup~

[MrJiong]: …

[MrJiong]: um…

[XiErXi]: what’s up?

[MrJiong]: has jiongjiong done something wrong…?

[MrJiong]: God Xi is so quiet… it’s really worrying…

[XiErXi]: what, you want me to call you a poisonous meng-heap with shit~ for fucking~ brains~ only~ full~ of~ these~ fucking~ goddamn~ TILDES~~~????

[MrJiong]: !!

[MrJiong]: as expected~ it’s better when Xi-er’s words are full of curses~

[XiErXi]: is your brain fuxxing broken???

[MrJiong]: nooo~ but~

[MrJiong]: how to put it~

[MrJiong]: jiongjiong feels lonely if Xi-er doesn’t scold~

[XiErXi]: [head in hands.gif]

[XiErXi]: are you gonna do this fucking BS with your cock in my ass?

[MrJiong]: no~ no~ jiongjiong wouldn’t dare~

In other words, he most definitely fucking would!!

Infuriated, embarrassed to death, Xi tried to talk himself into cancelling their little hotel tryst, just in the interest of not having to endure this sort of behaviour in person. But every time he forced himself to imagine how awful it would feel when Captain Jiong made up to him in true jiongjiong fashion, he kept getting mortifyingly stuck on the thought of the captain pulling him close and saying, in that low, sinful voice, “Jiongjiong wants to drink your milk…”

Disgusting! Unforgivable!! That just thinking of such a thing could make Xi hard, and not just hard, but hard as a motherfucking rock…!

Shamed, conflicted, and still horny as fuck, Xi finally decided that there was no point slapping his own face by trying to convince himself that he was above buying the jiong meng. Who knows, perhaps the effect would be different in person, and enough of a let-down that he could thereafter cut off this fucking jiong fuck without a qualm.

In that light, he decided that his final question for the night would be a purely sensible, and probably not at all jiongjiong-able:

[XiErXi]: everything else aside, what should I be calling you?

[MrJiong]: [blushes]

[MrJiong]: is it, um… can it just be ‘jiong’?

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: ok, calling you mike

[MrJiong]: ah, but~ please~

[MrJiong]: it’s always been jiongjiong’s nickname

[XiErXi]: do i look fucking stupid??

[XiErXi]: who the fuck would believe you right now??

[MrJiong]: I promise I’m serious

[MrJiong]: I know I kind of made it a thing in your stream’s chat, but

[MrJiong]: it’s seriously what my family calls me

[XiErXi]: …

[XiErXi]: why????

[MrJiong]: well, since jiongjiong used to look like that, it sort of stuck~

[MrJiong]: when jiongjiong was even younger than that, jiongjiong looked even more jiong~

Xi, despite his instinctive disbelief, couldn’t help but scroll all the way back up to take another look at the picture Captain Jiong had sent. In the captain’s defence, the very large-eyed, innocent-looking fifteen-year-old he’d used to be had looked a little tremulous even when smiling. Xi could easily imagine a much younger version of that same boy, and the kind of bullied expression he would have made when his family members forced such an unwanted nickname on him.

[XiErXi]: I’m still not fucking calling you jiong

[MrJiong]: [crying]

[MrJiong]: [crying]

[MrJiong]: [crying]

[XiErXi]: shut up!!!!!

[MrJiong]: Xi-er is so mean ah~ [face full of tears.jpg]

[MrJiong]: so mean~ [tears overflowing]

[XiErXi]: isn’t it what you fucking like?! FUCK!!

[MrJiong]: [blushes]

[MrJiong]: Xi-er shouldn’t say it so openly… [blushes]

[MrJiong]: if Xi-er will say it like that, jiongjiong will get hard [blushes]

[XiErXi]: get hard???

[XiErXi]: you have the actual fxcking nerve to

[XiErXi]: I hope you get so hard that you fucking die!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gap (moe): Japanese term for the charm of when there’s a marked difference between someone’s appearance and their actual behaviour↩

heol: Korean slang word, used to express shock, surprise or sarcasm↩

Xiao (Name): ‘Xiao’’ is a Chinese prefix meaning ‘little’. It’s often used this way to refer to someone the speaker is familiar with or fond of. In certain contexts, it’s also used as a cutesy/roundabout way to refer to someone’s cock, which is what the rotten jiongjiong is doing in this case.↩