Andrew I

One thing I learned is that nothing matters. Nothing is real, everything is an illusion. Everything is a ghost that haunts us in the form of the past. It’s not there. I’ve been having these dreams, yeah? They don’t feel any different than reality. But in these dreams, the ghosts always seem to be catching up to me. The Past, she’s comforting, but she’s not real. Never is. So that’s why in these dreams I’m always falling.

I live on the edge. I’ve been molded too.

I keep seeing her, the bitch. She’s always next to me, faded and laughing. Elizabeth doesn’t know what she’s doing or why she’s here. She’s just fucked up, the same as I am. I fucked her then. Think she’s the one who fucked me.

Thought the heat was going to be brought on me. Good ol’ Andrew Mera finally getting what he deserved, but Nah, nothing ever happened. I still get talked to from time to time but at this point, I ain’t worried. There were too many hands in it, too much of a mess. The bluebirds don’t care.

Nothing in this town changes. It’s fucked. Those who heard about it think it’s cursed. Nah, fucked that. It’s just that nobody gives a shit. Everything here is just a twat. It’s why I do whatever the fuck I want to do.

And I get good pussy too because of it.

It’s fun though. I’m this town’s drug dealer so I get to know everyone. And getting to know everyone means I know all their secrets. Secrets are information and blackmail, so it’s fun. People are fucked up. They’re all so desperate and lonely. Not me though.

I’m Andrew fucking Mera and nothing can touch me.

There is this fucking guy thinking he can sell at my party. Just ‘cause it’s in good ol’ Seattle don’t make it his. I got everyone to come, so it’s mine, my money. So I kick him to the curb before it starts. Fucker can’t even take a punch or a kick. Fuck him. I get on top of him and smash his fucking head with my fist a few times.

“Do you know who I work for?” The pussy coughs. “You’re fucking dead, kid.”

I hit him one more time, “Yeah, and who’s that?”

“Lyle, dumbass,” he laughs. “Sessions is gonna be here too.”

I get off of him, not because I’m scared, but because he makes me laugh. Shit man, that’s fucking funny. I think a few moments to have me a giggle while he gets himself up.

“You let me live, you’re gonna regret it. You kill me, you’re gonna regret it.”

“Go on then!” what a fucking pussy. Using someone else to shield him. “Call him! See how that goes. Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind, yeah?”

“You’re fucking crazy,” The bastard chuckles and gets the hell away from me. “Hope you live through the night.”

He doesn’t know who the fuck I am either.

But none of that matters, yeah? Party fucking starting so I head inside to find myself a bathroom. I fucking love Coke. Goddamn, make me feel complete. Nothing else compares to it. Anyone who doesn’t agree is a fucking liar or hasn’t done enough of it.

Shindig kicks off with a banger. Mad bitches show up all ready to be fucked up. Easy money. I pop some random pills I’m given and head to the dancefloor to get fucked. I love these underground things; no rules. The music always hits and there isn’t ever any drama.

I’m dancing with this girl when I spot Emily walking through the crowd with my sister. My white whale, my future Magnus opus. Fuck, just getting a glimpse of her makes me horny. I take this girl’s hand and pull her through the crowd and into the bathroom. Some pussy is already in a stall throwing up. I push the girl into the other one and kiss her. She isn’t as fucked up as she wants to be, but she doesn’t mind. “Fuck, you’re hot,” she tells me.

I fuck her right then and there, against the door, surrounded by piss and toilet paper everywhere.

Elizabeth’s shitty friend eventually shows up. The main one, Megan O’heare is this Elizabeth wannabe. She’s just a jealous bitch who lived in the shadow until Ellie finally kicked it. She fucking hates my guts and I used to fuck with her all the time. She thought a little picture of Elizabeth smoking weed was enough to ruin the Queen. Shit, Megan could never be her.

The golden girl who never did any drugs.

It’s why I posted her texts with the old history teacher online. The dude’s not teaching this year so I’m sure he got fired. It was the talk of summer, but nobody cares now. Now she wants my dick, funny how that works.

Lucas Myers and Amanda Myers are in my grade. Both are little snakes. Amanda wants to take Megan’s spot next year just how the little status quo likes to be kept. Swear she is the dumbest girl I’ve met. Has no idea I’m fucking her and Megan. She acts like she doesn’t want me but man her texts say a different story.

I’m pretty sure Lucas is fucking my sister, the cunt. Don’t like the kid. Motherfucker acts like he owns the school just because he has daddy’s money. Nah, he never had a single struggle in his life. Wish he spent a day with my dad, see how he fares.

Connor Don’tknowhisshittylastname is supposed to be dating Megan. He’s like Lucas but self-aware enough to know he’s a tool. Not a bad guy but damn does he suck up to me for some blow sometimes.

Carlos G is the only one who I can fucking stand. We get into fistfights all the time ‘cause it’s funny. The dude knows his place and just tries to float by as the exotic ethnic kid. The only thing that pisses me off about him is that he tries to go after my Emily. Nah cuz, I don’t like it but Emily sees through him anyways so I’m not worried.

Finally, there’s Alyssa Ibarra. She’s a fucking enigma, can’t ever get a read on her. I think she’s smarter than she shows and is only friends with these people for their connections. She’s never in any drama, never a bitch to people, and kind to everywhere. I want to fuck her tonight.

Think she’s the only one who truly ever cared about Ellie.

Nah, there was another one. I never see here these days, Jana Kramer.

All these idiots think I’m their friend.

This is my grand finale of what I’ve been working on for the past few weeks:

I pull them outside before they get too fucked up.

“What do you want?” Lucas asked, rightfully so.

I laugh. Emily fucking hates this laugh of mine. “I just can’t believe you all came.”

“What about it?” Amanda has her arms crossed. I can still see her small little nipples poking out of her crop top.

“Nah, it’s just it’s been two weeks since Elizabeth- Y’know,” I imitate the death croak.

“The fucks wrong with you,” Megan says.

“It’s what she would have wanted,” Amanda adds.

Fuck them all. Elizabeth hated every single one of them. “Nah you got it all wrong, love. She fucking stand any bit of all you. Called you all snakes in the grass,” I laugh.

“Shut the fuck up, Andrew,” Megan scoffs.

“Like you, when you were sucking my dick last night.”

Megan jerks back and Connor pushes me back “Don’t be spreading lies, man. Not cool.”

I tilt my head up to Megan, “Wanna tell ‘em, love?” Yeah, of course, Connor wouldn’t believe it. He fucking loves the girl. I turn to Amanda. “How ‘bout you? You seem to like the taste of Megan’s pussy on my dick.”

Amanda pushes me back. “That’s not true!”

Her brother just stares at me blankly. Does he not have a brain? “You not hear me, cunt? Your sister’s pussy is mine.”

He shakes his head, “You’re sad man.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Connor adds.

“So all this time you-” Megan’s in tears. That’s fucking hilarious. She’s the first break.

Connor notices, “You fucked him?! Him?!”

Holy shit.

“I’m sorry,” Megan’s in full tears, fucking finally. Elizabeth would’ve loved this. “I didn’t mean to, it just happened. Fuck I can’t do this.” She’s the first to go.

“You fucked him?!” Connor chases after her.

Fucking hell, this is all for you, Ellie.

“So it’s true? You also fucked him?” Lucas asks his sister.

“I-” she can’t even speak and decides to leave. Weak.

Lucas punches me in the chin, but I let him. This was worth it. “I can’t fucking believe you,” he leaves next.

Carlos laughs and pats me in the back, “You’re a funny dude, thanks for the night.”

Alyssa is the last one to stay, surprisingly. “What was your goal here?” She asks.

“Thought it would be funny. It was.”

“Well whatever it was, I hope it was worth it,” she says before turning around and being the only one who heads back inside.

Fucking hell. That was funny. Once it stopped being, I look down and to the side where I spot Emily. She’s standing by her lonesome a few feet away. I’m sure she has seen me but just doesn’t care. Cody must have just finished talking to her. He’s the only one who can make her stand there looking so depressed.

The two love birds refuse destiny’s path.

Shit. If Cody won’t, I would. I will.

“You holding up, babes?” I greet her.

Ems takes a quick look at me before turning away. Fuck. What’s with this bitch? She’s still a sweetheart, yeah? But whatever is going on with her makes her such a bore nowadays. I still fondly remember the days where we would just spend all day getting high and walking around Darkwood. Ems used to get fucked up with us at parties too. She stopped in the middle of summer. Dunno if it was because she didn’t like what Elizabeth was becoming, but I bet it was that.

“What do you want, Andrew?”

“Just saying hi? Or is that crime now?”

“When it comes to you? Yeah.”

I can’t tell if she’s joking or not. I’m too fucked to tell. “You alright?”

Emily doesn’t say anything and just leaves.

Fuck.

-

I get a text message later that night: “You shouldn’t sell in other people’s areas.”

So formal from Sessions.

“Run it by first.” The next one reads.

-

The fucking social circle Elizabeth hated is in shambles by the time I show up to school. Man, she would’ve loved this. Connor and Lucas want to fight me. That’s pretty funny. They won’t do shit because they know they couldn’t take me. The girls won’t even look at them. No one is sitting at their lunch table when the time comes.

Shit. I guess it’s time for me to sit with my peeps then. I look over and I decide against it. They’re still sitting with Brainguts even though I told my sister to stop being her friend. The kid’s a fucking little flatchested, no-ass-having, weeaboo weirdo.

They shouldn’t fucking pity her. What’s worse is that Emily and Sara won’t admit it.

-

Cody rejects my pipe leaving me to take his hit for myself. I’m not complaining but man is he getting fucking boring too. Everyone is. Everyone is letting this stupid fucking suicide get to them. At least Chris is the only one who hasn’t changed.

“You fucker.” I cough, how rare.

“Emily is having a kickback tonight, you should go,” he says.

“Why? You motherfuckers are so boring now.”

“You can keep an eye on her.”

Is he…?

“Besides, the little ruckus you caused her to invite Alyssa. If you ever wanted a chance, it’s this one.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Codes? Stop being a pussy and talk to your girl.”

“You know why I can’t.”

“Yeah,” I take another hit. “Still makes you a pussy.”

-

Emily’s pastel room smells just like her. She likes to lit some sort of cherry candles that now have left this permanent aroma in her room. The dumb girl has plushies all over her room. Some I recognize, some I don’t. She’s a neat freak and doesn’t like it when I move things around her room. She likes it even less when I enter her room through her window.

It’s a bit creepy but I’ve been doing it for so long that it became funny to me. If she really hated it she wouldn’t let me stay afterward. It’s not that I’m not a creep when I’m here though.

Ems opens the door, notices me, and yells, “What fuck Andrew? Again?!” she sighs and then says, “Go help Sara, she’s downstairs making the punch. We’re supervising Gracie getting drunk tonight.”

Behind her is the small little Brainguts that everyone pities or bullies. She hides behind Emily, clearly being scared of me. Good. “The fuck she’s doing here?”

“We’re her friend.”

“With Brainguts? She looks eight.”

My comment makes the little girl grab Emily’s hand. “I’m 14,” she says timidly and weakly, like a bitch.

“Go help Sara! And not another word, she’s our friend now so she’s yours too.”

I chuckle. “Alright, I get it.” I walk past them, making sure I shove the little girl with my arm.

“Sorry about him, Gracie. He gets a bit getting used to.” I hear Emily as I walk down the stairs.

My sister doesn’t need any help. She’s perfectly capable of making some fire shit without me. She smiles at me while I watch her mix some drinks into a bowl. Some jungle juice shit. Sara is the spitting image of our mom.

“You alright? You’re staring.”

I shrug. “Waiting for you to finish. I want first.”

Sara giggles. “My only honest critic.

Chris arrives a little after gayboy Isaac. Cody doesn’t show up but Alyssa does, just like he said. Carlos makes a surprising visit as well. We all hang out in the living room as Alyssa spills all the gossip that has unraveled after the rave. It’s all trivial shit. They were all having affairs and everyone hates each other now. Not that I care anymore.

I get a text from Cody: “Keep her safe”

I lick the blood off my gums as I look back at everyone’s cheer as the little girl takes her first sip of the very delicious cocktail Sara made. I wish I could applaud her, I’m too distracted. Why the fuck does Cody have to be such a pussy now.

She’s been so fucking alone without him. Why does he have to be such a dick and ignore her because he’s afraid of himself? He’s letting what he did to Elizabeth get to his head.

“How is it?” Sara asks the little girl.

I should learn her name at some point.

She coughs, “It’s sweet then terrible.”

“You ever smoked?” I ask. She shakes her head. “Fucked? You a virgin?”

Emily smacks my arm. “You don’t have to answer him.”

It’s a bore. I roll my eyes and pour myself some more juice and drink it in one go. I do it again, then another. The Gracie girl looks at me in awe. She might as well have been born yesterday.

The real party starts. Emily turns up the music and gets up to dance with Isaac and Alyssa. Carlos and I go outside for a minute to smoke. He tells me some random shit that I know won’t remember. When we get back inside, Grace is awkwardly dancing with my sister.

The fuck is this?

Everything I took finally starts to hit and I have to sit down a second. Fuck this isn’t like me. Emily flops her body next to mine. “Thanks again for getting the liquor. Don’t know how you get it.”

“I know some guys,” I laugh.

She giggles. “Of course you do,” she says with an intoxicating smile on her face. “Wouldn’t be surprised if you knew a guy who knew guys.”

“I know a lot of people.”

“I know you do,” she smiles. I can smell the strong stench of alcohol out of her breath. It’s just as sweet as her smile. “I don’t know why you have to be such a dick sometimes. It doesn’t suit you.”

“Don’t dwell on my life too much, Ems,” I say getting up getting ready to go to the bathroom for a piss.

I feel her tug on my shirt. “Do me a favor?” She’s looking up at me giving me those eyes. The same eyes Cody has when he wants something. She looks over to the side and tilts her head. She’s looking over at Grace who’s now learning how to dance from Alyssa.

I know what she’s asking. “We’ll see.”

Sara likes to do this thing in the bathroom. I guess I do too. I worry about her a lot. Whatever this is, it isn’t healthy. Hell, she’s becoming a loose cannon lately and I’m not sure if I like that either. But fuck it, who am I to judge? I don’t even know why I’m thinking about her.

When I get back, Isaac is passed out. Fucker can never hold his liquor. Chris is still on the couch inside his head. Sara’s wasted and Emily is talking to Carlos. Grace is rocking her body side to side to the music. Dunno where Alyssa’s at.

The next thing I see, everyone is dancing again, myself included. I can’t keep my eyes off Emily who’s clearly drunk now. I chuckle as I watch Grace try to dance while drinking out of her glass which only results in her spilling.

Alyssa’s grinding on me.

Carlos passes out.

Everything starts to move too fast. All the laughter, all the chatter it disappears for a moment. For the first time in a while, I feel drunk; out of my control.

Emily’s favorite song starts playing. ‘Walking on a dream.’ I take a sit back and watch Emily and Grace dance together. The little girl crashes and Emily brings my hand up to dance with her to the second half of the song. I catch every single scent of her pheromones. It drives me crazy. Like cherry milkshake, no, sweeter. Everything she does is poison. Emily grinds on me, raising her hands to hold her head, and steps her feet to the music.

The song ends, then All night long starts. We both hate this song but that doesn’t matter. The bass and kicks hit. Emily drops her knees to every bar while she folds her elbows forming ‘v’ with her arms, snapping her fingers. She giggles then get on top of her living room table and starts shuffling her feet to the beat. She laughs and I watch in awe. Emily jumps down and turns her body and places her ass right on my dick. It’s an instant turn on and I can’t help but grab her ass while I move to the music with her.

The song ends and she turns.

She’s wild tonight.

Fuck everything, this is now mine.

Emily pulls back but it doesn’t matter. We’re both drunk so she goes for it.

It’s everything that I ever imagined.

When I open my eyes I see that Alyssa’s been staring. I grin at her the second Emily passes out on the couch.

It’s just the two of us standing now. Alyssa isn’t known for being a party girl so I’m surprised she held out for this long. I wonder what changed because right now she’s giving me the ‘fuck me’ eyes.

“You ‘ight?”

“Just fine, haven’t drunk much really.”

Alyssa is leagues above her friends. I know her type. She’s far too mature and composed to engage in the games we play. I’ve always wondered why she picked her friends when she could’ve been a loner and done well. She’s pretty enough to do that.

“You’re a bore.”

She chuckles. “You caused a lot of problems for me, y’know. Now I have to pick up the pieces.”

“What do you care, you don’t even like them.”

“I liked Elizabeth and Jana. Now I’m playing a charade, just like you are.”

“I ain’t playing shit.”

Alyssa smirks and leans in to kiss me. Fuck. “Keep telling yourself that,” she pulls back. “I never thought you cared about her, but you did, didn’t you?”

“The fuck are you talking about.”

Alyssa takes my hand walks me upstairs. “Don’t play stupid. I would be valedictorian next year if it wasn’t for you. You cared. It’s why you did what you did. Elizabeth wanted to break the hierarchy and social standing.”

“Right? So I fucked with her friends a little, who cares?”

“They’re so egotistical and delusional. They think high school is all that matters. You showed them how fast their little worlds can crash,” She says.

I push her down onto Emily’s dad’s bed. “It’ll go back to normal in a few months.”

“You still did what she wanted.”

I didn’t do it for Ellie. I just did it because it was funny. Especially towards Megan. With this scandal and the one over the summer, it’ll be really hard for her to recover.

I still can’t get a read on Alyssa. Why this? Why now? Shit, I’m not gonna complain. Her lips are soft, they don’t even feel like ‘em.

“Don’t think you know me,” I take her shirt off.

She takes her pants off. “But I do.”

“Shut the fuck up and let me fuck you good.”

“Okay.”

I take her bra off and just notice just how big her titties are. Shit how the fuck did I never notice before. I suck on them for a bit while I play with her pussy and she rubs my dick a bit. I can manist destiny any time I want, can’t I?

Alyssa backs off. “Wait no. I don’t want to do this.”

I get off her and flick her forehead.

“Wait that’s it?”

I shrug, putting my pants back on. “Yeah.”

Alyssa gets up, confused. “You’re not mad? You’re not even going to try and convince me?

I pout and chuckle. “A no’s a no. All good.”

“Shit, I really don’t know you,” She laughs. “Who would’ve thought Andrew Mera would be a gentleman?”

“Nah don’t get it twisted,” I toss her shirt to her. “You clearly want me. But if you don’t want it, you don’t want it, doesn’t matter the reason. Even if that reason being is not being added to my body count.”

“You don’t see me as a whore, do you?”

I shake my head, “Nah, you’re clever. You and I are the same. We’re both too clever for our own good. Thing is, you’re right,” I pause. “In a way. Whatever you think I am, you’re probably right. You just won’t ever know the why.”

“Care to share?”

I shake my head and laugh, “You’re not that girl.”

I let Alyssa leave first and I follow behind her. I’m sure I shut the door when we first came in but it was slightly opened when Alyssa opened it. As she heads downstairs I notice the bathroom door is creaked open as well.

“You were watching.”

The little girl Grace is on her ass on the bathroom floor reeking from embarrassment. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

I smirk, “Did you like what you saw?”

She nods.

-

I walk home.

Sara doesn’t like to be home so it’s better for her to stay over at Emily’s tonight.

Dad’s home passed out on the couch again. There’s an empty bottle of Maker’s Mark under his hand, how typical.

I keep replaying Alyssa’s words from tonight. I look up to the ceiling before I head into my room. Mom’s mural is slowly becoming unrecognizable from when she first painted it. It’s just another ghost that haunts me. It’s not real, so I don’t know why I let it.

Nah, fuck that. I’m too strong to let some bitch’s death influence me. Alyssa’s wrong.

Wait hold the fuck on. I really kissed Emily, didn’t I?

“Shit,” I laugh. Cody forgave me for Elizabeth, but I wonder what would happen if I really took his girl?

My father wakes up. “Andrew is that you?”

I don’t answer. Fuck him.

Fuck him for leaving Mom alone with us that night.