Cody told me a lot that night. I come to a deeper understanding of his relationship with Elizabeth. He told me a lot about his relationship with Emily too. They’re in love with each other their entire lives yet never once dated. I don’t understand that at all, like why just hurt each other like that? Was that his way of telling me he likes me? I mean, who just takes me to their favorite spot and spends a whole hour talking. And he kept looking at me with those eyes, gosh, those eyes.

I do have a chance. I do. Even if I am ugly and flat, and boring.

That doesn’t neglect the fact that I still want to know what happened to Elizabeth.

They’ve known each other for the longest time but didn’t start to hang out until last summer. Elizabeth until that point was the golden girl and for some reason, she started smoking weed and other drugs although nobody tells me what. She started to date Cody even though it was clear that he loves Emily more. She couldn’t stand that so she started to spiral down even further. Cody tried to stop her, even help her but it wasn’t enough. Something happened that made him scare her and hurt Emily. I think this is why he’s been avoiding Emily this entire time.

Anyways, after this night, I guess they broke up and rarely spoke to each other. This is everything I gathered. There are still some holes missing. There are still all those rumors I hear all the time in the hallways. They say Andrew was the one who gave her the drugs. But why would she start to begin with? What happened that made Cody so angry? Was this really enough to push her so far?

There are rumors that the autopsy showed she was pregnant. There are rumors that she even started to deal drugs. There are rumors that she hated Megan so much that she was planning to kill her instead but got too drunk to think about what she was doing. I have to know more.

Andrew would know.

But he scares me.

I wake up on fire. When I get up, my body refuses to move and all the muscles on my leg and arms ache. It’s no use, I feel so sick and flop back down into the bed.

“Why aren’t you at school?” Mom wakes up. She must have come home late. The clock on my wall tells me it’s a bit past 10.

“I’m sick.”

My mom places her hand on my forehead. It’s impossible to fake being sick with her and this is the first step she does whenever I try. “Your head is warm. I’ll bring some water and a thermo.” She really is the best. I wonder if she’ll be disappointed I started to go to parties. The cold plastic enters my mouth and mom says, “Barely under 100. You’ll be better in a day, so rest up, sweetie. I left some medicine and water by the counter.”

Groggily I take a sip of water and wash down the pills my mom left me. She’s by my side but I’m too blind to even recognize her. “Where are my glasses?”

“Here,” Mom reaches for my glass and then hands them to me. “I’m going to bed, rest up and get better, okay?” she stands up, “Love you, Grace.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

I drink more water and flop my body back into my bed.

An hour later my eyes open again and I feel much better. I’m glad I’m still young, I get to recover so quickly. Still, I shut my eyes again so I can rest more. The memories of that party trickle in. Cody walked me back after our talk in his treehouse. I joined him in a few drinks with Emily. Megan tried to start something again, but this time, Cody intervened. It got heated when one of Megan’s guy friends got upon his face. This time, Andrew joined and told them to back off before he ruins the party. He told Megan and her friends to back off from bullying me. All that just to protect me.

That’s all I can remember as the cheap vodka started to blur my vision.

And now I can’t get Cody out of my head.

I never liked a boy before. I never thought they would like me back. I’m ugly and I’m small with no books. I look like a kid so I always felt weak. But whenever Cody is around, it’s like he sees me and pays attention to me. Even if he’s with Emily, I still think he likes me.

Am I crazy?

I open my eyes again and part of me thinks that I’m way over my head. All of these people that are becoming my friends, they’re good people, are they? I’m not sure. They have to be. After all, Emily sent Cody to find me when I thought she wasn’t going to do anything about Megan. Then again, this is the group of people Elizabeth hung out with before…

I want to talk to her.

Mom’s a heavy sleeper so she won’t notice I’m gone. The cemetery is in the most southern part of the city so it takes me a whole hour to get there. I don’t know where she's buried so I just wander around. There’s a long history here and so many tombstones. Most are so old, a few are recent. The one that captivates my eyes is hers. It’s the one with the most amount of flowers.

Elizabeth Wilson

Nov/8/1994-Aug/28/2012

The golden beacon that guided all to smile

“Why did you do it?” I ask her.

I get no response.

Strangely I feel that we would’ve been good friends, the best of friends. We didn’t meet on the best of terms, she seemed like such a b**** but that was only because she was going through so much, whatever that was. It would’ve been nice to properly meet.

“Were you her friend?” A woman's voice says from behind. She’s in all black which contrasts majestically with her blonde hair. She has heavy black bags under her eyes. She hasn’t slept. This woman looks identical to Elizabeth, this is her mother.

“No, not really.”

“She was really wonderful y’know.”

“I’ve been told.”

Elizabeth’s mother stares at me for a bit then lifts up her eyes. “Are you-”

“Um.”

“I’m sorry. I just realized…”

“I-it’s okay.”

“You’re Grace, right?”

I nod. “How did you know?”

“Uh, the police report. I’m glad you’re visiting. I’m sure it must have been traumatizing. My name is Cecilia, I was her mother.”

“It’s uh, nice to meet you.”

Could I ask her what she knows? No, that would be too insensitive.

“I still can’t wrap my head around it. It’s too hard. I come here every day.”

“I’m sorry too.”

She shakes her head. “I was away in Spain when it happened. I left my baby girl alone for the summer and now she’s gone. There’s no one to blame but myself. No, if anything, this is the fault of her no-good drugged-out brother.”

Elizabeth has a brother?”

“It’s times like these that remind me that this city isn’t good for anyone anymore.”

“Is it that bad?”

“It wasn’t always this way. There wasn’t nearly the amount of parties and drugs going around. It used to be so quiet, peaceful, and kind.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. It gets worse every year. It’s been getting worse ever since the Golden Hearts riots stopped.”

The Golden Hearts riots? I don’t know much about that, only that they ended six years ago.

Cecilia sighs, “Still, I can’t imagine what you went through. You’re strong for coming here, Grace. Elizabeth would love it that you’re visiting her. Do you hate her, for what she did to you?”

Hate her? I used to, right at the beginning. I don’t think so anymore. Now I just feel bad for her. I mean, what sort of pain must she have gone through? “No,” I manage to stay.

It’s hard to say no.

I’m holding back tears.

“Thank you.”

We don’t say anything else. Cecilia stands beside me as she looks down somberly at her daughter’s grave. There isn’t a person around, there are no clouds in the sky, there are no birds singing. It’s all silent and so peaceful.

Every day since the moment I arrived at this city there has been this invisible weight in the air. Right now, that’s gone.

When Cecilia leaves, I’m left alone at the grave again.

There were so many things I wanted to ask her but it felt inappropriate. Cecilia, she was so kind. I bet that was how Elizabeth was too. This world is filled with so much sadness. I just hope Cecilia can find peace. I hope I can too.

It’s been less than half of a year since I moved here and already my life is somewhat better than before. At least now I’m not alone and manage to make some friends. I’ve been outside more times now than I ever did before. Life is improving mad it feels like I can actually put everything behind me. It’s reason enough to smile.

The heavy blanket that weighed down the air comes back.

When I turn around to finally leave, I notice there’s a man who has been watching me. “Were you her friend?” he asks.

Is this her dad? No, he doesn’t look that old.

“You a friend of hers?”

I nod.

“Yeah, me too,” he sighs. My attention is drawn to his slicked-back white hair with roots that are brown for an inch. “My name’s Felix. You?”

“Grace.”

Felix wears a black motorcycle jacket and has ripped jeans. It compliments his blue eyes very well. He’s really handsome. “Were you two close?”

“Not really, no. I ran into her a couple of times but I didn’t know her well.”

Felix nods, “She was a friend of mine. I didn’t know she died until a few days ago. Nobody even told me.” His voice hurts. How cruel.

“I would ask how’d you knew her but she was really popular.”

Felix chuckles but chokes up. “Yeah, yeah. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head. “It’s alright. People connect with each other when they’re in pain. Elizabeth didn’t share her pain so she couldn’t connect with anybody. Do you know how it happened?”

“She shot herself.”

“I see.”

There’s silence. It’s long but warm as we both look down at the tombstone. Felix’s words; I can connect to them. We’re both in pain so we share this moment. Elizabeth. I don’t know why she died. Nobody does. There are so many rumors no one knows what to believe. I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. It happened and it caused this ripple of pain in all of our lives, whether we acknowledge it or not.

And nobody knows why she had a gun.

I can’t rest until I find my answers.

“It was nice meeting you Grace, I hope we run into each other someday,” Felix takes his leave before I can say anything to him. I stare at his white hair disappearing in the vast brown and green mixed with gray.

I turn back around to the grave. There’s sadness in the air. I don’t know how I’m feeling this. If it was the small interaction with Felix or with Cecilia, something about the air has changed. It’s no longer peaceful.

I’m going crazy.

It’s as if Elizabeth is saying, “No.”