Whatever you say.

Here I am in the hospital room again, getting a hip replacement any time now. This time will be it—the last of my operations that are quality of life. Then I am off to the homes—one more procedure and relaxation awaits me in paradise, away from here is the only paradise. One less time, I am going to meet these lovely people. They have so much going on in their lives, with dreams that will inspire so many. And It makes my bones quake under all this skin. God, I hope you find it in you to allow them this. One thing, the world will be so much more with people like them running it. I can’t imagine them bossing people around, having all that pressure that they have built towards in the palm of their hands. I can hear my second throat laughing.

I wish I more for this world. I hope that I am enough as is. Enough is weighing down my shoulders. The vision for the future has become null, honestly. I don’t regret not pursuing anything. I just find it in me that my place is by others side helping them along. If this was an episode, how much attention do you think it would get if this were a video. I can’t believe it’s been this long. I want to keep feeling that people are still thinking about me and everything I stood for. All of my careers lay down in front of them, connecting the dots on things I was directly influenced and caused. The space I was in was better off for it. I was better off for it. I would like to believe it felt the same way about me. Some people will disagree with me on that one, though. I can’t imagine all my fans in a room now. What would that panel look like? What would we talk about?:

‘You were a waste of time’,

‘You saved my life multiple times,’

‘You’ve inspired me to get off my ass and do the things I was passionate about,'

‘You were a stain to the industry, and it was better when you left’. I think the nostalgia would win over.

It is the beginning of another video. Hello everybody, for I am back. I don’t know how long. I don’t know if I will even end up posting this. But I just wanted to check in and talk about how my life is going and give my love to all of you who helped me. Who was there the entire journey? But I don’t think I can speak. I don’t think I can do one last video. It would replace the final video I did before, the send-off. Structure wise it would bother me. I wrapped things up nicely, had a send-off of the ages, and disappeared. It was nice. I cried snottily. I loved every second of it, and I won’t trade it for life.

Could I go back and change some things, maybe. But what I created I was proud of. It takes a whole life to develop. If I change my life, so will my - I didn’t mean it would sound like it was possible to time travel. I still have fun over here. Don’t get the public’s attention as much. Still, the businesses and families I work with appreciate me, and that’s all I need. I should hurry up and get dressed before my operation. Thinking about videos again have taken all my time. I don’t watch tv anymore either. It will take up too much time.

I’ve heard it said around the office that I am a fossil and not able to grasp the change in front of me, I’ve been through 3 or 4 of these changes she is talking about, and this is her first one. I think I know what I am getting at when I advise. I still fear every time my daughter and her kids go out to the theatre. The viewing experience has changed. I agree with that. The entertainment that runs the world now relies too much on the form of the newest technology. And is all about figuring out how to utilise it to stay on top. I’ve heard it all before, seen it done, rode the wave, and drowned by it, and I’m still here.

I think I fear. Fear that the newest media and storytelling is not what I wanted it to be, my influence was not enough. I can see myself right next to my little isabella, me crying about how I have failed my duty. She, about how she failed her test, is now a failure walking amongst the rejects. I wonder if Red would be down to parent her way through that. But it’s in the past; it’s all beyond me—my desire. I don’t want to get up and search for the next big thing, attack the screen with my walking stick. God, I feel it coming up of me. I will cry if I go and watch a movie if I sit down and play another game. I would weep so much for what is expected of someone my age. Pull yourself together, grandma. I’ll pull myself together. Maybe one day I can watch a movie with my pups.

I remember being brought over to Christopher house in his coach looking and feeling car. He was showing off the acres of the land that he acquired from his family side. Let me say about the future projects he has been working on, none of which have been done. ‘But he is working on it. It is complicated to be part of such a family. You have to be always running errands if you want to stay in the loop. You have nothing left for yourself by the end of the day,’ she says. Poor Red stuck with that oath of a man. How will she manage without me? But umm, oek oek. I believe he came up with the idea to dedicate a room for comic books- Red had told me all about his little project to get on my good side. He knew about my background and that something like this would make me envious. I seem to recall in awe that he was capable of worldly and spiritually connected to the past and the foundation builders of the creativity of the future long gone. Had statues of the silly things that were bigger than him, holding the space he paid for. I told him this, which led its way to Reds ears. She was disappointed. He didn’t talk to me for a week. I had planned the conversation in my head. After I ate the oath alive, my interactions with Christopher were supposed to be ones of acceptance into the family, but I blew it. I forgot.

Reminds me of that tim- oh. ‘Hello. ‘

‘How are you doing Penny, hoping this is the last time you see us?’

‘Don’t say things like that to me, doctor; you will break my heart, and it will be the last time for sure.’

‘Penny! We cant have your spirits like that whilst going into surgery. Try to calm down and don’t push yourself. We don’t need a joker in our operating room but a gentle patient, one that calls me by my name. Do you keep forgetting? Maybe we should keep you for long after all.’

‘Fairly obvious I wasn’t joking, or ever have. Would you look at this face and tell me if I’ve ever cracked a smile… Now John, are you ready to take me home? ‘

‘Miss Penny, I apolo-’

‘Stop running this skit with me, John, just tell Rooney I’m ready to be driven around and tell her I wasn’t so please with my treatment last time.’

‘Miss Penny i- ‘

‘Don’t, John, I have to put my bits and bobs back into my bag and tidy up. And I can only do that if you are done with your assessments now. Am I allowed to move? LL was a better physician than you new guy. He treated me good. We went along time together here. He was the first doctor id seen in my unfortunate stage, old age, and he was a spring top back then. Running around talking to multiple people on the front desk at one, I had a feeling he was able to talk twice as much and at the same time as the rest of us. It scared me seeing him prance around. When I saw him, the first thing I said was, dear God, don’t let him be my doctor, and guess who walks through my door and sits next to the chair Red was in? That’s right, the acclaimed LL. I took my grandkids seat, he did. He did not make it easy for patients to trust him. Sitting down when addressing me, I knew for sure he felt he was building a more trusting relationship with the patients. It was funny how wrong he was on that count. But he talked directly to me and addressed my family, with respect and dignity, on where my life would take me. I should stop right here if I had any thoughts about kidding myself with how my life is going. ’ Your body is changing.’ he said simply. ‘Therefore, your life should too.’ he said. ‘It will take some time to mourn.’ He carried on talking like that in front of Red and Izzy, told them and me about what was happening. ‘Don’t waste time any more time holding on to the hope that after this visit and a quick check-up, that you can go back to life how it was before like everything is normal. Nothing has changed. Nature takes its toll on the living flesh, don’t let it take your mind too’. After that, every couple of months, he would greet me in my checkups and allow me to be introduced to the ER’s family. I was scared back then, more than I let it show. He made it easier for me. It allowed me to cry in a way I hadn’t done in a while. Sad to see him go before me. Do you think you will stand up to his stories, my? Last. Doctor’.

‘Penny, I don’t need to. You can be pretty stubborn sometimes but are very light-hearted when you see me stressing. I was able to keep you healthy and many more patients because of how you treated me those days. I am thankful for that and now have grown because of it. I can’t lie and say this work wouldn’t have broken me. I have to keep you alive- it’s a work thing. But It is my pleasure to have you as my patient’.

‘Well said John. Bring it in one final time. Careful not to kill me this close to my last operation.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Tell Rooney, her driving isn’t half bad, will you.’

I can’t believe it. I am going to dieeee. I hate this feeling, and somehow I understand. I’ve met many people and saw them change as I am sure they’ve noticed my change. The good parts of life, the bad parts of life. They revolve around the same thing, have you seen. People. I don’t think I recognised this, but people are there for your entire life. Sure they change faces and ages as you grow old, but they are there. I’ve heard the complaints of my friends that live alone, getting visitors every other day, from the people close but family, only visits once a month if you are lucky.

Other than nurses that come to check on you every day, there is no one new, but there is them. You are born and die with people, don’t let my old words outlive in naivety. I know that friends are luxurious. But people are there mostly. There are around us you can’t miss them. Some might need to look closer to others. We appreciate the people around us, specifically, who were here for us, not humanity. Still, these people had my back when I was down. These people grew up with me and gave me garlic chicken soup. They were there, and they have gone. So will i. So will you. The symbiotic nature of the earth has not changed. Therefore, my writing has not changed. As a representative to display what is life, I can say I have not changed.

Ever-growing, moreso moreso. Life is still a mystery to me, and so my writing shall keep its integrity. I have understood writing stories and entertainment, in general, is a part of us growing up, the one thing that hasn’t left us. I’m sure Christopher will talk about how businesses run the world and how they grow and evolve, so with humanity in a way benefiting their growth, increasing their power, that humans are by-products to the much more important things his father has taught him to peruse. Red will talk about puppets. Her obsession with instruments have not come from me, but it is something that keeps her occupied. She likes to create her hands with workable, mechanistically functional dolls and puppets. I just happen to live in a world of entertainment, and I have lived my life there, only introduced to different worlds based on the people I met on my way.

I have gained some elbow grease talking to John here. I might have it in me to go home and record some updates of my own and maybe create a story within the video again. I can imagine myself doing it, but all of this will be over by getting home. I’ll have people, others, Red will come, and we will catch up. She’ll tell me about her kid. I’ll tell her embarrassing stories of when she was a kid. It will end with her talking about her anxieties, fears, and hopelessness in the world, and I’ll shut up for a moment or two and accept her as she is. I’ll try to get up to pack some homemade Lithuanian dessert I’ve made, she’ll then stand up and stop me, and I’ll complain. I always complain. I’ll drive her out. I’ll sit back down till the next person arrives. I was emphasising the clock on my wall, turning and turning and turning every day. I’ll visit THE headquarters. I’ll not eat much, but I will try my best to stay hydrated. After complaining that they say I look tired too much, I’ll go home and push myself that extra mile to get home safe. I’ll meet more people than I will ever remember, more relatives and more children of my friends. My relationships have passed around me than I can count. Eventually, they will encounter death, and I will be there for them. I will play and mess around with the kids now, convinced they are adults, shy away from the dogs they bring to my house. The currently living house. I walk up the stairs and down the stairs. Okay, I get it. I think I understand. I think I will give it another shot. I think ill pick myself out from the retirement home—God i.

What would I like to do with my life? I would like to meet everyone tomorrow for the barbeque, the healthiest one on the block. Everyone is coming over to congratulate me. Red is planning to announce something big as well. She has been pretty nervous about that, more nervous than sending me off to surgery, so that will be important. But wasn’t this thinking my old thinking?

What I want to do in life… That would be something I can look forward to. I will ask Red if she wants to work on a project with me.

I’m all done preparing on my end. The room is better off with me staying here. The remote for the tv is by the bedside. The water is in display shouting it wants to be refilled. My clothes are away in the wardrobe, and I’ve rocked into bed. It was uncomfortable, and I might be regretting it now. What I am doing and have been thinking about is reportedly changeful and regretful at my age. Future-focused and planning in motion thinking have also been happening in this room. I want a pet as well. Whatever it is. Something else that needs my care. I am looking forward to looking after something like that. I was not allowed pets. More than my environment and my parents didn’t make me desire pets. Nor did my youth. I was very focused. I haven’t changed. Where is Rooney? And why, why hasn’t she collected me yet… God. I was about to have a heart attack—that thought. I could be dead and stuck in this room, in my head, whilst the real me is in the room is being called out to and dragged off to the morgue. I am stuck here forever. The last parts I made up, but I thought I might be dead, is not one I am used to yet.

I would like to talk to Red. Explain to her my big idea, tell her I could work on the small details on my end, and she would. No. I will ask her if she needs help with anything and find my way in her life. No. I’ll ask her if she is willing to work on a proje-NO. I don’t think I’ve been given drugs. My head. I. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that creates and wants something from me, for me to be active. Reds’ puppets are a hobby. She cant take time to work on an entire project with me. She has her work to look after. Her family to take care of. She would die before letting Christopher take on a load of family men. His parents will never let it go. I don’t think it’s much of a problem. I can’t possibly ask her. For a video. The end. There was an end. I live happily now. What was it? What is it that is making me think this way? I’m getting old. I AM OLD. I don’t have it in me. But I have something else—no more strength but wisdom. I could have helped and created it again. Create with Red again. That would be nice. I know she can do it, create a puppet of me, get Christopher’s friend, Gest, to help her with the programming, make something challenging, a real me. I’ve put myself out there, these videos, the ones that don’t make it, with the ones that do, it will find me—a robot. O. silly sweetest, dearest, idea. I’ve seen you, and I want you to leave.

PENNY!