Hello Journal,

I feel much better since I last wrote to you. I remember my dog, a German Shepherd Rottweiler, when I was around seven.

He was a very loving and silly dog. He keeps breaking his chains to come see me at school, by following my scent. He loved all the walks I use to give him, and the wrestling we did.

One day though, his dog house got infested by ants. I begged my mom and dad to let him stay inside the house until the ants were gone... my dad had a "better" idea. He took him to the garbage dump, then came back without him. Then told me he would get another puppy for the family in a year or so.

There would never be a replacement for that dog that I have in my heart. They way he snuggles and chews on my shirt sleeve. Each future dog had something similar happen to them. It came to a point where my heart simply couldn't handle owning another dog.

This developed attachment issues that I have forever now. Not wanting some ridiculously sad event to happen due to opening up. I was happy to be my dog's owner, even though he had a sadly short life.

*****14 year age range

I told my father that if he hit me one more time, I was going to work out and get more muscular then him. Then, kick his ass so badly, he'd walk funny for the rest of his life. The result? He finally just started walking away when he was getting angry.

Due to this I finally told myself, I don't need to be angry and hateful of everyone anymore. I turned my negative leaf over to the positive side. Then told myself I forgave my father for all the physical abuse he has done to me since I was born.

What I could hardly believe is that he eventually came to me, after I moved away from home, to come apologize for his poor behaviour. He was man that didn't have sorry in his vocabulary, but said it to me. At that point he cried and sat on my lap as I held him, and told him that it's alright. I already forgave you a long time ago.

*****22 age range

All my friends have moved away, my media account was hacked, so I avoid any kind of social media after that event. Thus causing complete isolation from my past self, all I could do is start over with new people. I kept finding people I didn't click with, a bunch of selfish people. It was hard looking for a person that liked me for me. So I ultimately had a mental breakdown, shutting everything away from me, and just giving up.

I choose to take pills to help with my mental state for awhile, but that just made things worst. To the point where I would hyperventilate when talking to any person. Busy crying while conversation, and apologizing for crying which I couldn't control.

My life was out of control...

*****later years range

I went to counseling for quite some time, first scared of what to talk about. Secondly, just talked about random facts to try to relate. Finally, talked about what made me scared, what made me angry, why my train of thought has gone to the point to where I can't talk.

I met good people after so long, but those people were always around. I just didn't want to acknowledge them. I didn't ever see myself worthy of being around good people. Since I was told at a young age repeatedly how useless, worthless, lazy I was. So I tried to constantly think how can I be useful for others? Let them use me, then searched those people out. I actively looked for people to abuse me for the longest time. I don't let that happen anymore.

Oh Journal, it took me awhile but the person I needed to help or even save the most was myself. Not a person that wouldn't appreciate or take advantage of me.

***** Age range 3-4

I nearly died one time when I wanted to go outside play and have adventure exploring the new place I moved to.

it was the middle of a hot summer, so I brought a water bottle to stay hydrated and went to the close by playground to enjoy.

everything was too hot to play on, so feeling fustrated, went to the close by trail and followed it for two minutes. Then I had my first encounter with a big bear. I froze in place and stared straight ahead trying my best to impersonate a statue. My body was shaking a lot though in fear as the bear repeatedly circled me for a good thirty minutes... it growled every time I tried to take a baby step back towards the playground.

Being scared that it was going to eat me really soon, I ended up pissing and crapping myself. The bear took interest for a few seconds until I dropped the water bottle still in my hands down. The bear nudged it, then turned around to eat from a berry bush that was a few steps away. I took the chance to walk very slowly back to the playground.

As I took the two minute trail for a slow fifteen minutes back. I ran home the rest of the way. Immediately went to the bathtub to wash up. Then had my mom yell and give me a spanking for soiling myself. I never told her about the bear encounter knowing I wouldn't be able to go outside unsupervised again.

Funny thing was that I stayed inside until we moved to a different location.

Thanks for letting my bounce some thoughts Journal, I feel much better. I'll write to you another time.