Hello Journal once more,

I have been having some disturbing dreams lately, I have been so use to being killed in my dreams. That I'm finally sticking for myself and killing the people in my dreams that torment me.

It scares me a lot, it's the same situation each time too, well very similar situations to be exact. In my most recent one, I was living with a roommate, and told him to get out of my space since I wanted sleep. He runs to the kitchen, grabs a knife and rushes towards me. As I try to close the door on him, his trapped hand let's go of the knife, then I open the door and kick his knees. He collapses, then with one arm gripping his neck, I start stabbing repeatedly and his neck region. I step back, and horror I wake up, feeling appalled at myself.

Another scenario is when I was dreaming of walking a dog through some woods when two guys approached me, took the dog I was walking then held me and punched me to the ground. After two minutes of trying to recover my breath, I grab a sturdy stick, and a weak looking one.

i whip the weak one at one guys face, and with the other jab the other in the plexus(above the stomach, below the lungs). The gave a good side swing to the guy recovering from the thrown stick in his face. At this point, the dog starts biting down hard on the other guys shoulder, the guy catching his breath.

I then swung the stick hard at a boulder nearby to break its bluntness into a shorter, and splintered stick, perfect for impaling. Then impaled the guy recovering from the head hit.

Finally I walk up the guy being bitten by the dog, and started stomp down on the guys throat repeatedly, but it wasn't lethal enough. So I started undoing my belt and strangled him to death with it. As that was happening the dog sat beside me with a wagging tail, looking for pats. These reoccurring attackers to my lifestyles, and me defending them, makes me feel scared of myself.

I have a hard time at stopping when I get angry, so I try to talk my way out of conflicts, and turn down fights. I don't mind being called a coward, but I do scare myself. For instance when I was around ten or eleven years old. My friends were having way too much fun at my expense, feeling frustrated and helpless. I grabbed one close by friend by the neck, gripped hard and left him off the ground. I then screamed, "Please stop being rude to me!". With tears in my eyes feeling regret at the very same moment to do that to one of my friends.

Another real moment is when one of my friends kept disrespecting my mother. So I stabbed him in side with a sharpened pencil, then threw my desk at him in class. The built up rage happened because it was going on for weeks, hoping I would soon snap. I tried talking it out first for the longest time, then words just end up not working anymore.

Now that I am out of that stage in my life, I can happily say I survived a cruel childhood with bullies,(mainly friends and family). I survived abandonment(mother sleeping a lot, father rarely around, yet beats me up when he is. My siblings saying rude things about me to their friends so they can look better then me. My friends turning on me for a reaction, or just to see what happens due to their morbid curiosity.)

Having a poor choice of friends was my own fault mainly due to being called worthless a lot. So I looked for the troublemakers to be friends with, and try to show them I am worthy. When at the start, I should've just tried making friends with actual nice people. For instance Simon, the nice disabled friend I once had.

Now to be grown up, I don't have to worry about really rude people as much, because I don't seek them anymore. My freedom, I love it.

So, one thing that bothers me a lot was when I told an old guy that turned out to be a famous person, that I wanted to kill myself. He agreed with the way my thoughts were, how the world is burning, and some guy hurting for money can randomly kill you one day. How when a person gets old, the become less productive to society, and becomes a hindrance for everything around them. How I want to die feeling amazing more so then feeling nothing but suffering in my last moments.

I was trying to tell this old man that I am always depressed at a young age but truly wanted to die by a random act of god, but it was just not happening. I tried to think of a system of how we can have assisted suicide for people labeled as worthless. For that time period 20 years ago, I truly thought I was worthless and shouldn't exist.

That man, two weeks later written a suicide note then took his life through chemical substances. I didn't find out, until just a couple years ago. That was the same person. I've shared this story with a few good people, and they told me it's not my fault, and that he would've have done it still without my interactions with him.

The thing was, I went out of my way to talk to elderly people a lot about my depression, and I felt like that stopped me from doing a successful suicide. So in a way, I thought for the longest time, that these dark thoughts canceled out my heroic thoughts. I still honestly would die for my family or friends easily to keep them safe.

Sorry about those thoughts journal, lately I've been spiraling down in my thoughts. I'll try to remember good times next time. Take care!