《常鳴屋 [Chinese]》《知己》
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致我的知己——MJQ。
他的前半生忐忑,雖碌碌無為,但不甘心做一個隨波逐流的人,他對世界有自己的一套看法,寬容待人,不在乎金錢名利,只為尋找到自我,為了不屈的靈魂,為了能創造出屬于自己的作品,他甘愿付出生命。
他身邊的人來來往往,終究是沒有一個能夠訴說心情,他混沌著過活,像行尸走肉一般,渴求生命中的一點黎明。
我與他相遇是在六年前,那時我還只是一個未開化的普通女子,我們并無相似之處,面對面也是啞口無言,一次偶然,竟成為了知己。
談天說地,可以從李白談到關漢卿,可以從白天談到竹林,可以從米飯談到東瀛,亦可從雨傘談到睡衣,無話不說,沒有隱私。
我們的思考方式不同,我喜幻想,他務實,我浪漫,他現實,我幽默,他風趣,我奔放,他保守。
我們無時無刻不在說話,有時會重復同樣的話,但不會說膩。
他喜歡古典作品,我更喜愛國外作品,他愛古代愛的深沉,期望寫出一本驚天動地的巨著,我鼓勵他。他雖有想法,但自卑,自卑限制了他的行動,限制了他對生活的態度,限制了他的人格。
自卑是一個對于弱者的保護傘,它會營造一個自我保護的假象,在自卑時,弱者會縮在保護傘下,以為自己就此安全,以為自己先屏蔽掉外界就會安然無恙,實際上損害他們的恰好是那面墻,他們在心中筑起的一道隨時會土崩瓦解的玻璃墻,他們認為這面墻會將他們脆弱的地方好好的守護起來,而現實,這面玻璃墻是一面折射鏡,剛剛好可以把他們畏懼的東西完完全全的呈現在世界面前,一遍又一遍的撕扯自己的外衣,露出那顆軟弱無助的心靈。
以往的我是自卑的,自從我被開化后,我便去打碎那些玻璃墻,我在心里建立了一面鏡子,這面鏡子只能我看,我可以看到我的內心,我的丑惡,我更正它們,現在它們自處的還好,不斷吸收外界的養分,培養成一副完好的面貌。
他是不敢直面的,他認為自卑是他的朋友,是他共存的一部分,是他終生不會拋棄的東西,我時常跟他講,要成為一個男人。
他與母親的關系極好,是我羨慕不來的,他有一個偉大的母親,是彼此的依靠,是彼此的港灣,是不管在哪里落地都能成家的重要元素,他的母親支持他的一切選擇,愿意為了他付出生命,他能感受到母親的愛,同樣回報以家人的愛,這種親情在我家是不存在的,我時常因此失落,卻又為他們的親情而欣慰。
他會接收我的所有故事,會接收我的所有食物,我明知不好的,只要送給他點評,總能得到他的鼓勵,哪怕是炒糊的雞肉,又或者是言語不通的幼稚小說,他總會全盤消化。
我與他一月不見如隔三秋,再次初見還會含蓄,一熟絡起來便又開始無話不說,有時還會搶著說,不停的向對方插嘴,嘰嘰喳喳一夜不休。
他是我此生最好的朋友,是我唯一的知己,有時我已分不清是我的手還是他的手,觸摸他像觸摸自己,看他像照鏡子,想要改變他的外貌,或許這就是后遺癥,以為對方是自己的另一部分,想要改造成自己想要的樣子。
他在我身邊時較放松,他喜歡唱歌,又不好好唱,他怕我會對他指手畫腳,批評他的唱功,所以將自己原本的音色掩藏起來,每次他用方言去唱那些經典歌曲時我都會罵他,讓他好好唱。
我們對于歌曲的審美相差較大,他喜歡中文的古風歌,我喜歡自己認為好聽的歌,不管是誰唱的,不管歌詞怎麼樣,我只在意曲子,他認為我喜歡的一部分歌很難聽,難以入耳,我也對他有相同的看法。
我不知用什麼關系能形容得了我們,我常問,我們之間明確的關系是什麼,他說不好回答。
我想,他是我一生都不會忘記的人,我永遠會記得,他躺在星空下感嘆風景的側臉,他或許也會記得,我送給他的這篇短文。
沒有他在身邊,會感覺少些什麼,但生活可以繼續前進,我們之間不是愛情,比友情深厚,說是親情又太過逾越,或許只有知己這一個稱謂能夠表訴。
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