It was freaking cold out here. I layered myself in as many things as I could find; sweater, Theo’s jacket, winter coat, hat and scarf, but I was still shivering. We really do need a different meeting place for the chillier months…

I walked here but I assumed Theo is driving, so when I saw a figure coming through the woods my heart raced in fear.

Teenage girl murdered by suspicious creepy guy…

“Ravina!” He called.

My heart settled then I smiled. Theo.

Relief at seeing him flooded me, and for a second, I completely forgot why I was here. All I cared about was the fact that he was.

I ran over and the first thing I noticed were his bare arms. He was shivering-

“Theo, fuck. Why didn’t you bring a jacket!”

I quickly took the biggest one I was wearing off and helped him put it on. It’s entirely too small for him but he stopped shivering.

“It wasn’t this cold when I left,” he hissed.

I frowned, shaking my head and putting my hands on his cheeks. Freezing.

“Are you okay?” I said, trying to warm him up.

He stared down at me, his eyes dark and unfocused.

“Yes.”

I paused…

“Theo, what’s going on,” I decided to jump in head first. “I got called in by my Mrs. Beele today and she told me you got expelled.”

“Suspended,” he corrected me.

I quickly took one of his hands and tried to warm that up too. I ended up just sticking both of our hands in my pocket.

“Can we sit?” I asked, gesturing at the train car.

It wasn’t any warmer near or inside the cold metal box, but it did beat standing out in the open darkness. We both went to sit inside it and Theo turned to me.

“You got the scholarship didn’t you?”

I nodded, “I did.”

I didn’t say anything else, I was assuming he’d tell me what happened. When he doesn’t say anything for a while, guilt started creeping into my heart. Guilt that maybe somehow I’d stolen this from him even though I know that isn’t true.

Then Theo tells me…

“It was James. He told his father about the test. Hamilton spoke to me today and I’m not expelled, but I can only graduate if I retake and pass the test. Fitting punishment I suppose.”

I shook my head. “James, why-”

Theo looked down and then took his hand out of my pocket.

“I don’t know. He’s mad at me? Maybe the moral obligation of telling on a cheater finally got the better of him.”

I blinked, my heart twisting. I knew the pain of having a best friend betray you. It was uneclipseable.

“Theo, I’m so sorry.”

He looked up at me and smiles.

“I’m not, hey you got what you deserved and so did I. I’m not going to feel bitter about it. I’m the one that made the mistake.”

“But James-”

“Can do whatever the hell he wants now. I don’t care,”

I let out a sigh, the cold air making it visible even in the darkness.

“But you do care, don’t you?”

Theo stilled…

“I wanted to apologize to him. But now I don’t know. He might be too mad at me to ever forgive me, and I’m not sure if I should try.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not because of you Ravina.”

I shook my head. “But it is,”

My throat tightened and I felt my eyes start to water.

“If I’d never agreed to play The Game, you’d still have the scholarship. You’d still have your friend.”

“It would still be my fault, Ravina.”

I went quiet but I felt myself starting to cry…

He looked away, “There’s something else.”

“What?”

Suddenly I felt him take my hand on my knee. My heart stopped and froze colder than the air.

“My parents just told me that we’re moving. Back home,” he said in one breath.

“Wha-what? Why!” I gasped, hot tears falling from my eyes as I stared at him.

Theo looked at me and frowned.

“We need to go back for their business. Emma’s done with school, and I… I’m not a little kid anymore. They want me to grow up. And I tried so hard, but I failed.”

My heart tightened around itself and then shattered-

No, no! You didn’t fail…

“Don’t cry, please.” He said, his voice gentle and forgiving.

I collapsed against him and sob, not caring that I was being loud, or that I looked stupid. All I was thinking about was how much I loved him and how much I ruined everything.

“Please don’t leave.” I cried, fully knowing that it wasn’t his choice.

Theo hugged me tightly and my hand went to his shoulder, my face buried against his chest. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want him to leave. I’d give the scholarship a thousand times if it meant he could stay. My sketchbook? I’d help Julie ruin it a million times.

“I’m sorry,” Theo whispered, holding me.

“I’m sorry!” I winced. “You’re only leaving because you didn’t pass. I’m the thing that made that happen,”

I didn’t even know what I was saying, and it crossed my mind that Theo had never seen me ugly-cry before. Hah, he’ll want to leave now.

“Ravina it wasn’t you. Trust me, this has been on the horizon for a while,”

I leaned away, noticing the way his eyes softened when he saw my tears.

“Tell me honestly. Would you be moving if you’d passed that test? If you’d gotten the scholarship?” I cried silently, both of my hands on his shoulders now.

Theo shook his head, “Ravina don’t do this to yourself. To me. We’ll never know what might have happened but what will knowing do?”

“It will help me to know how much I’ve fucked us up. Then I’ll have someone to blame,” My voice broke so I let go of him and turned away.

Theo let out a deep sigh.

“If you want someone to blame, blame me.” He said as I stare down at my feet hanging over the grass.

“Ravina, I cheated. I made up The Game. I even made James mad at me by saying something I should never have said and acting like a child when he was only trying to look out for me. But I swear to you, that I am going to fix it. Okay? Do you hear me?”

I closed my eyes, my throat tight. “But you’re going to leave.”

Theo sighed again then curses.

“Yes fuck, Ravina. I’m leaving. I can’t stay, it’s not my choice.”

“Would you stay if you could?”

He went quiet. So quiet it was like I was there alone…

And I’m going to be soon.

When he spoke, it’s the softest, slowest whisper I’d ever heard.

“What kind of a fucking question is that?”

I felt my tears start falling again so I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him. Theo was staring at me like I’d just announced I didn’t love him anymore.

I shrugged, “I just wanted to know.”

He watched, unmoving, not breathing.

Then suddenly Theo did something I never thought I’d see him do. In a split-second, his hand came up over his face and I watched his eyes as they closed in pain.

It’s one of the most horrible things to ever exist; watching someone you love cry. I don’t think I’d found anything more horrible yet, and I’d been alive for almost twenty years.

The world felt like it was wired with explosives. I’m treading on thin-ice and holding my breath so I don’t make too much noise, part of me worrying that when a heart shatters, it really does sound like glass.

“Theo,” I tried to say.

He pushed me away when I reached out to him and then hid his face in his hands and cried silently. I only know he was because of the tears I saw falling through his fingers and the way his body shook.

“Ravina,” I heard him say, but his voice was shaky and painful to hear.

He dropped his hands finally, and when I saw his tear-soaked eyes it called to some part of me that I hadn’t even realized existed before.

I hugged him and felt his arms wrap around me too.

“I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry.” He said quietly, his voice teetering on the edge of breaking.

I was entirely speechless, and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t know what to say.

Theo shivered. “Of course I’d stay,” he almost whined. “I would stay with you.”

I sniffed, “I know.”

When I leaned away from him, I could see it in his eyes.

No, not his love for me or some other romantic bullshit. I saw his fear. His pain. The desperation to grow up but the sinking feeling that he didn’t know how to. And maybe also his desire to hold onto me, even if he didn’t know what that meant.

I realized that from the very beginning, Theo has needed validation. Cheating to make sure his parents would accept him, and shrouding our relationship in a game to keep his heart safe in case it didn’t work out.

I knew he was brave enough to do this. I knew he was capable. I didn’t know if I’d be brave enough to let him go have that chance, but I hoped I was.

I was not using the “if you love someone, let them go” quote. But if I was I’d change it to “if you love someone, let them grow.”

“Theo,” I sighed. “We shouldn’t see each other for a while.”

The words hurt. They hurt even more when his eyes went wide and I felt his arms around me tighten.

“You’re breaking up with me. Why?”

There was panic rising in his voice.

“No,” I said quickly, and leaned forward so that our foreheads were touching. I closed my eyes.

“I’m not. But, a week. I need a week to wrap my head around what this means. You need it, to focus on what matters.”

Theo inhaled sharply. “You’re what matters,”

I laughed…

“That’s nice. I’m serious.”

“Ravina, I leave next month. A week is just wasting time.”

I felt my heart race. A month?!

I reached up and placed my hands around the back of his neck.

“Trust me, we need this.”

“Why?”

I opened my eyes to see his were closed. He was so, so precious to me. So I would do this for him.

“Promise me,” I said.

“Ravina-”

His breath turned to steam…

“Promise.” I repeated.

Theo paused. “Okay,” he swallowed. “I promise.”

Then he opened his eyes.

It’s always a special thing, looking into his eyes. I knew it sounded silly, but it felt like he saw all of me. And loved me anyway.

Theo blinked, his eyes wandering across my face, like he was memorizing.

“I wish I could live here forever,” he said.

I smiled. “In a cold moldy train?”

“No. With you, in this moment.”

“That’s incredibly cheesy, as usual.” I blushed.

“It’s also entirely the truth.”

What am I going to do without him, I wondered, as Theo’s eyes flickered down to my lips.

“Ravina,” he swallowed. “I am in love with you.”

I’d never seen him like this. His voice, his eyes, all of it reaching a height of desperation that made my soul ache. As if he was willing me to believe him. To believe how much he meant it.

I wanted to smile, cry, laugh. Run all the way back home and splash paint over my entire body to try and make myself look as beautiful on the outside as I felt on the inside.

I know, I wanted to say to him. I love you too.

That’s what makes this so hard.