It’s like the universe was listening to my broken heart, because the second I closed the door to my bedroom, my phone rang.

I knew who it was. I mean, there could only be one person, but my heart still raced when I saw his name on my screen.

Clearing my throat and wiping my tears away, I quickly answered the phone.

“Hello? Theo?” I breathed quietly.

I could almost hear his shy smile.

“Ravina…” he sighed.

I shook my head, getting into my bed and crossing my legs under me, holding the phone tightly against my ear, so I didn’t miss anything he might say.

“Aren’t you flying by now? What’s going on?” I asked him.

He paused, then I heard his shaky laugh.

“Check your email, Ravina. I love you. I’m sorry I could stay and tell you that, but maybe this will tell you while I’m gone.”

Then before I could say anything, before I could say goodbye again, Theo hung up.

I sat there, slightly stunned for a moment, and then I frantically and with shaking fingers opened my email on my phone.

There’s some spam from an old newsletter I’d subscribed too. And an email from Theodore Kim.

My heart was racing.

Very carefully, I opened the email.

The subject line said; The Emo Kitten Playlist

He did not.

He did.

I was crying again, but now they were happy tears, because when I clicked on the link in the email Theo sent me, it took me to a Spotify playlist under the same name.

Twenty-two songs. Theo made me a mixtape.

I didn’t recognise any of the songs by title, except a Panic! At the Disco one, a few down. But I decided that I’d listen to it in order.

It felt like fucking Christmas morning when I clicked on the first song…

Waves by Dean Lewis

Slowly, subtle guitar filled my ears, and then soft lyrics, sung by a male voice. I liked it.

The lyrics talked about losing the person you thought you were, but seeing hope through the darkness.

We watched as our young hearts fade

It comes and goes in waves

It comes and goes in waves

And carries us away

I listened to the lyrics of this one closely, knowing that Theo hated music. He did this for me, and he must have carefully selected all of these, understanding that my connection to music was important to me.

Yes. This was a good first song. Haunting, but hopeful. Reminding me of better days, worse days. Being young and in love. A+ job, Theodore…

And the playlist went like this:

Waves- Dean Lewis

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK- Joji

If We Have Each Other- Alec Benjamin

I Need U- BTS

You Are the Reason- Calum Scott

Brown Eyes- Destiny’s Child

3:00 AM- Finding Hope

Scared To Be Lonely- Martin Garrix ft. Dua Lipa

The Only Exception- Paramore

When I Look at You- Miley Cyrus

Be Somebody- Thousand Foot Krutch

Let You Down- NF

Home- Machine Gun Kelly X Ambassadors

Love Game- ThatBehavior

I Like Me Better- Lauv

Thief- Ansel Elgort

Roaring 20s- Panic! At the Disco

Beautiful Creatures- Illenium

Sweet but Psycho- Ava Max

Can I Be Him- James Arthur

All Of The Stars- Ed Sheeran

Set in Stone- Guy Sebastian

I listened through each one of them carefully, calculatingly. Emotionally.

Lyrics here and there lighting up my heart, opening my eyes. Telling me exactly what Theo wanted me to hear.

Give me reasons we should be complete

I’ll give you one, Theo. You made me this. I’d pretty much marry you right now if you asked, and you might as well have.

All of the songs had an interesting feel, but it was mostly the words that were interesting. Theo could really speak my language when he tried.

Compelled by some strange energy in my body, I got up and grabbed my sketchbook. My new one. The one Theo bought for me. Red leather cover- totally my style.

I’d already sketched a picture of Charlie with noodles as arms on the first page, so I quickly got back on my bed with the book, flipped to the next page and dumped my favorite pens out.

The current song wasn’t in English. Well, some of it was, but I think most of it was Korean. I’d have to ask Theo about this one, it was weird.

As I thought about what to draw, a song came on that I recognised and I smiled to myself. Aww, romantic…

I’d climb every mountain

Swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I’ve broken

Because I need you to see

That you are the reason

Soon, the page I was working on was a landscape. A mountain in the distance, horrible, separating rain between Theo’s silhouette and the ocean in front of him. He was trying to get to me. My knight in shining Nike’s.

As soon as the song switched, I flipped the page.

Oh my god. Destiny’s Child? Theo certainly had range…

Brown eyes. Did he know?!

I blinked. No way Theo could know about his eyes. What they did to me. Did he?

I smiled all through that song, and then I didn’t recognise the next one, but I could tell right away why Theo chose it. God, this could be his anthem.

How we can make this work

It was about lying awake at 3 am. Missing someone, longing to tell them how you feel but not being able to.

I realised soon that I was drawing Theo sitting on the edge of his bed, his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. I didn’t draw his face, but he was looking down so I didn’t need to. Ouch. This song hurt. Thankfully it was short.

The next was a pretty sexy song. Sad though, but accurate. Hah, that should go on a T-shirt! Sad but accurate…

I would have liked to draw a sexy picture, but before long I was just drawing designs of the T-shirt on the next page. Nice, Ravina.

I was smiling, loving the music, loving the idea of Theo putting all of this together with me in mind. I was lucky.

Scared to be lonely

I wasn’t scared to be lonely. Not anymore. Theo was out there, just millions of miles away. But really, how could I be lonely in this world with him out there, and this music in my heart? Other people might go crazy. Other people might worry about a long-distance relationship. You are the only exception… Theo. The only one.

Man, I wanted to dance with him to this playlist when he gets back. I imagined his hands on my waist, his hair falling into his eyes as he looked down at me.

I was drawing it, I realised…

Drawing Theo dancing with me. I liked this drawing. I usually disliked some part of my drawings-

The only exception… again.

I kept listening. Doodling, making a mess, smudging the pen. Making it beautiful.

This was one of those moments that I knew I’d regret not enjoying more while I was living it. So I tried my best. Come on Ravina, live this. Breathe this. This is fucking everything-

If love is a lie, then why do we need it?

Weird lyric… hmm. I don’t know. Because it was fun? Because human beings are defined by their lies, sometimes even more than their truths? And because we have a constant desire for self-destruction? Maybe I was overthinking this…

Wait a goddamn second!

My face turned red as I listened closer to the lyrics of the next song. How, what-

Theo!

I smiled, realising he couldn’t see me anyway. And it’s silly of me to be embarrassed by a song, but I was. What the fuck is he trying to say?! I guess I was a little bit psycho. Sweet of him to notice. I laughed out loud, making a quick mental note to give him shit for this song someday…

The next song freaked me out for a totally different reason.

Theo well, the singer was talking about how everything I create was created for him. My art. Gah! My heart!

Can I be the one you talk about in all your stories?

Can I be him?

Theo, yes you can be. In fact you are, often.

I felt a tear slip off my cheek and it smudged some on the ink on the page I’d been working on. A drawing of me sculpting. But what I’m sculpting is Theo, and he’s staring at me out of half-formed eyes, with love and reverence.

The penultimate song was Ed Sheeran and you know my thoughts on him, but I decided to give it a chance anyway…

Open your eyes and see

The way our horizons meet

And all of the lights will lead

Into the light with me

And I know these scars will bleed

But both of our hearts believe

All of these stars will guide us home

Fuck fuck fuck. I was really crying now-

I had to shut my sketchbook and just sit there and stare at the wall. I was imagining Theo flying across the ocean now, leaving me behind and missing me, but knowing that he’d come back someday. All of the stars, guiding him home. To me.

I had to grab a tissue, and when the very last song started, I wasn’t sure I was ready.

Before I know it, the last song of The Emo Kitten Playlist comes on and I recognise it immediately. I loved this song, but I’d never heard it like this before. The meaning really changes when you’re in love with someone, huh?

Set in stone

Agreed, Theodore Kim. Game set and match. You’re mine, for now, forever.

So come home…

I promise to give you your jacket back, whenever you get here.