"You want something to eat?"

"I'm actually pretty full from pizza, but I'll take anything to go." Mama Iris nodded. It was kinda awkward between us since he haven't seen eye-to-eye in a long time. She lost her son, and Royce and I moved away a few years after that. She went from being there 24/7 when I first had Royce and didn't know what the fuck I was doing, to only seeing us on holidays and sometimes birthdays. She has her snarky remarks, but she means well and I do miss her.

"Do you need help with anything?" Iris shook her head no.

"Iris—"

"Imani is growing up so fast. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was helping you breastfeed. You would get so upset when she wouldn't latch on." I took a quick deep breath as she changed the subject.

"Yeah, I was even more of a mess back then—going to school, still recovering from my addiction, and trying to be a parent all at the same time. It was exhausting trying not to relapse."

"How has your recovery been, by the way?" We've actually never talked about this before. Her, Robyn, and my friends were still the only people that knew, and I wanted to keep it that way.

"It was good. It's still going good. The cravings are longgggg gone. Now, I just simply don't even think about it unless I'm reminded of how pitiful I used to be." Just thinking about how bad off I was sends shivers down my spine.

Iris nodded, looking up at me for the first time since we started talking.

"You can sit. You don't have to stand." I went to go sit on one of the stools at the kitchen island.

"Look...Asha, I don't want this to come off as rude, but I misjudged you at first."

"What do you mean?" I asked. She sat the last pan of food down on top of the stove. Everything was laid out and ready to consume. I was definitely full, but just the smell of everything had my stomach growling.

"Shaheed!" She yelled.

"Yeah?!" He yelled back from somewhere in the house. He had to have been close, maybe in the next room or something.

"Boy, come here!"

"Wassup auntie?" He strolled into the kitchen.

"Tell Will and Eric to come get this damn food. Y'all take all the food to the table with the burners." Shaheed stole a glance at me and I waved. I think he was like 14. He was a handsome young man, but I heard he was also a handful. Yikes.

"Don't look at her. Bye. Go do as I said." Iris pushed him out of the kitchen.

"And don't drop my food!"

"Come on. Let's go before they come back," she said grabbing two Seagrams out of the refrigerator. I followed behind her to the den. It was quiet. She closed the sliding door and sat down on the sofa. I sat down next to her, but kept some space. She then handed me the blue one and I opened it. These things had like 3% alcohol and they were so good. They tasted more like a fruity drink rather than an actual alcoholic beverage.

"What were you saying? Something about how you misjudged me."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, you know I love you."

"I won't. I'd rather us talk and clear the air anyway."

"Okay well, excuse my language." I nodded for her to go on.

"I was skeptical at first. I know how girls operate, especially young ones with fresh pussy. At the time, I just knew you were trouble. I mean, I would know. I was your age once and I was nothing but trouble," she laughed.

"Anyway, I just knew that you would somehow find a way to trap my son—follow him around like a lost puppy, get real close to him, set him up, and then take all his money. But then I got to know you, and you seemed like a genuine girl and the total opposite from the females that I was used to seeing my son with. You were small, quiet, almost fragile." Iris stopped, taking a sip.

"Me and Dashawn fought constantly. I would always ask him what he was doing with this young ass girl. He swore up and down that it was nothing, but I knew what kind of a man he was and some things just didn't sit right with me. When I found out about the baby..."

She shook her head. The look on her face made it seem like she was two seconds away from popping off. I nervously took a sip of my drink.

"Whew, we didn't talk for weeks. To get a young girl pregnant like that, I looked at him differently. I even thought he was gone end up in jail. Shit, I should've told you to run when you had the chance."

"When I tell you, we did nothing but argue. Those weeks that we didn't talk turned into months. I regret most of our arguments. If I had known he wasn't gone be here for much longer, I would've just let it go. He promised me that he would do right by you, but I didn't believe him," she confessed.

"He did try," I spoke up.

"I know that now. And he would've been an amazing father, but you deserved better. I felt so bad for you."

"I felt bad for myself. I'll also be honest and say that if I could go back in time, I would've been more responsible and never gotten pregnant in the first place."

"That's some real shit," she said. I nodded in agreement.

"I kept Royce for all the wrong reasons, but now that I have her, I want to try and be the best version of myself for her."

"I see how good you are with Imani. It's touching."

"I try."

"I do wish you would come back, and not because I don't trust you, it's just nice to have you around. But, I understand. I will continue to give you your space."

"Thank you. That is all I ask. And please don't ever feel like I am keeping Imani from you. You can come visit. Or, if you feel like it's been too long, we won't hesitate to drive back down in a heartbeat."

Iris rolled her eyes in a playful way.

"Don't be like that," I nudged her side. She rolled her eyes again, finishing the rest of her drink.

"How have you been?" I asked her.

"Oh me? Child, I'm fine. Some days are better than others. But you know me, I'm a thug. I can handle myself," was all she said. Knowing Iris, that was probably all I was gonna get out of her. She loved poking her way through other people's business, but she rarely talked about her own. Everyone knew that the death of Dashawn hurt her bad, and still even to this day. But, she was the type to only ever worry about the people around her. She never talked about herself.

We continued talking until everyone started calling for us. I guess they were hungry. I kinda talked up an appetite myself.

"How did it go? Y'all finally squashed the beef?" Robyn was eager to for me to tell her all of the details.

"Yes, we did as a matter of fact."

"Finally!"

"But there's actually something I need your opinion on, but after we eat." I pulled her to the back of the line. Iris said a prayer over the food. Royce and the kids ate with her, so me and Robyn took our food outside. There were already people out on the back patio. The whole atmosphere was lit as fuck. I ended up not getting the chance to talk to Robyn.

When it was time to head back to Robyn's house for the night, I had to load even more gifts into the car. We ate some cake and said our goodbyes to everyone.

.....

Later that night, Robyn came into the room with a puzzled expression on her face. "Hey, I almost forgot. Before I go to bed, what did you want to talk about?"

Oh shit I completely forgot. I stood up from the bed. I checked on Royce. She was in the bathroom next door taking a bath.

"Five more minutes, okay," I told her and she nodded.

I walked back into the room and cracked the door. Robyn had her pajamas on and a face mask plastered over her entire face. She looked like she was about to doze off. I wanted to make this quick.

"Real quick. Imani said the weirdest thing today."

"What did she say?"

"She said she likes it when I smile."

"Okayyyyy. What's wrong with that?"

"She said it as if I never smile, but I always smile when I'm around her. I smile more with her than anybody because she makes me happy. Seeing her little cute face makes me happy. When I told her that I smile often, she said that I don't. Like what?"

"What was so different about today that she felt like she had to tell me that I don't smile. Am I tripping?" I asked Robyn.

"You know children pick up on a lot of shit right."

"I know that. I know that better than anybody, but what she said threw me for a fucking loop. Does she know something that I don't?"

"I don't think she meant anything bad by it."

"Oh, I know, but now I'm overthinking."

"Well, let's ask her."

"Okay, hold on. Let me go get her."

"Are you ready to get out?" I asked walking into the bathroom.

"Yes." She stood up, wobbling to the edge. I grabbed a towel and wrapped her in it. She climbed out of the tub while I drained the water out. She already washed earlier, but I let her play in the water some. After she dried off, she rubbed lotion all over her body and got dressed. I let her finish before bombarding her with questions.

She was sitting in bed when I spoke up.

"Imani, you remember when we were in the car earlier today, when we came back from the indoor playground?" She nodded.

"Do you remember what you told me? Can you tell auntie Robyn what you told me?"

"I said I like when mommy smiles."

"Why did you say that?"

"Because you were happy, and you had fun today."

"But Royce, I'm so confused. I don't know what you mean by that. I'm always happy when I'm with you." She shook her head no. What! She has to be kidding.

"Don't do that. You know I love you. I have fun with you all the time, and I smile when I'm around you because you make me happy, and you know that." She shook her head again. I was visibly getting more and more upset. Was I doing something wrong here?

"Royce," my voice came out a bit too stern.

"Asha, hold on. Relax," Robyn said kneeling down to Royce's level.

"Can you explain what you mean? I know Asha is a great mommy, and she loves you so much. Why do you think that she doesn't smile often? Do you think that she's not happy to be with you or something?" Royce nodded. What the hell? My mouth fell open. I was speechless.

"Sometimes," she corrected herself.

"But why?" I could tell that Robyn was just as confused as I was.

Royce was quiet for a long time. She said not a single word, but I really wanted to know what was on her mind. She slowly looked over at me and my face softened. I didn't want her to think that I was mad at her. She could speak her mind, I didn't care about stuff like that. I wanted her to feel like she could talk to me about anything.

"Go ahead. I won't get upset," I said to her. She looked down, fiddling with her hands.

"S-Sometimes mommy cries in her sleep. I give her hugs and kisses to make her feel better, but she doesn't stop." She looked around the room avoiding my gaze. It was quiet until I heard her sniffles.

"Imani, why are you crying," Robyn asked her.

"Because it scares me. I don't like when mommy is upset," she broke down. Robyn looked over at me. My face was void of any emotion. I knew nothing of this. I didn't know that I cried in my sleep. How long has this been going on? How long have I been traumatizing my daughter, and she just didn't want to tell me? I felt absolutely terrible on the inside, but on the outside, I didn't know how to react. The only thing that I knew was that I hated seeing Imani sad. Her cries held so much pain for me, and I couldn't fathom it. This little girl. This five year old child, my child, felt bad for me. She has been listening to me cry in my sleep for who knows how fucking long, and she's never had the courage to tell me. She probably felt like it was her fault.

"Are you sure? Robyn asked. Royce nodded in response.

Robyn moved to the side as I walked over to them. I scooped Royce into my arms and sat down on the bed.

"Hey, it's okay. I promise that I'm happy. You make me so happy."

"Why do you cry in your sleep?" She was genuinely so upset.

"I...I-I don't know. I'm so sorry you've had to witness that. I'm so sorry," my lip quivered. That's why it seemed as if she was being way more needy than usual today—she just wanted to see me happy. But, I am happy though.

Maybe it's just a subconscious thing that I do in my sleep? I mean, when I was younger, I used to cry myself to sleep all the time, but I knew that I was doing it.

"Has this just started happening?" I lifted her chin. She shook her head no. I hugged her tight to me as she cried. I looked over to Robyn. I didn't know what to do or say.

After awhile, I put Royce to bed. Robyn had a small stash of weed, so I went outside to smoke and get some fresh air. I definitely slept on the couch for the rest of the night.

.....