𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞

𝐖𝐞𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐝𝐚𝐲; 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐭. 𝟑𝟎

~~~

"She didn't wear her glasses." Jahseh muttered to himself as he stare at Blu.

He was in the gym with Dexter and ended up seeing Blu. She was on the opposite side, her head in her books. He noticed she wasn't wearing her glasses for the past two days. Even though it was a small detail, he still noticed.

"Who didn't wear their glasses?" Dexter asked, hearing Jahseh. Jahseh look back at him then shook his head.

"No one." He answered, sitting up on the bleachers. Dexter hummed, not believing him.

"Mhm, who you staring at?" Dexter asked, pulling his ear and Jahseh smack his hand.

"No one."

"Okay, well I need to tell you some tea." Dexter exclaimed, ready to tell his friend about his drama.

As Dexter started talking, Jahseh continued staring at Blu. For some reason, her not wearing her glasses made her look even more prettier than before. Even though, he never acknowledged it, Jahseh thought Blu was pretty. Unfortunately, he was the weird type when it came to expressing feelings or giving compliments. He didn't too well with that at all.

Dexter hit his arm noticing he wasn't paying attention to him. Jahseh look back at him, mugging Dexter.

"Boy, listen and stop staring at Blu like a weirdo." Dexter told him, Jahseh tucking in his lips.

"You know her?" He asked and Dexter nodded his head.

"Yeah, she's in my class and she's really nice and pretty. Looks like the type of girl you would be with." He answered.

"Anyway, I was trying to tell you about what I did and your not listening." He added on, Jahseh sigh turning towards him.

"My fault, so what happened?" He asked, Dexter smiling.

"Okay, so remember that down low boy I told you about?" Dexter asked and Jahseh nodded his head.

"Yeah, well he wanted to be an asshole and be a lil homophobe, so I fucked his dad."

Jahseh raise his brow looking at his friend. Dexter gave him a smile then started laughing.

"You fucked his dad?" Jahseh asked for confirmation.

Dexter nodded his head, "Yeah, and it was easy too. Give a man some Hennessy, talk a little about sports then dick in my mouth." He laughed, Jahseh shaking his head.

He didn't have anything to say like all the other times. Whenever Dexter talked about his sexual business, Jahseh just listen. He never had anything to say since Dexter stories were quite interesting to him.

"I like how you listen to me. Your such a good friend." Dexter cooed, hugging Jahseh and rocking side to side.

"I have no choice, but to listen D. Just be safe that's all." Jahseh told him as Dexter let him go.

"I am and I will. Anyway, I need to talk to my teacher about something. I'll see you."

Dexter gave him another hug before getting up and heading out the gym. Since he left, Jahseh also got up and walked to the other side of the gym. He approached Blu chasing her to look up at him.

"You mind if I sit here?" He asked her.

"No, I don't." She answered lowly going back to her books. Jahseh sat down beside her looking at what she was doing.

"You okay?" He asked, she look over at him then nodded her head.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She answered lowly. She actually wasn't fine, but she wasn't going to tell him.

She still wasn't over the whole choking situation at the bonfire. She hated the fact that her very own best friend didn't help her. It was disgusting to her and it also upset her that her own friend wouldn't help her. She would've helped her friend if she was in her shoes, so for it to not be reciprocated upset her.

But, she had a history of not having solid friends. So, this wasn't new to her. One backstabbed after the next.

Jahseh and her attention landed on Sydney and Brittney who walked in the gym. Their friends right behind them, laughing and talking amongst each other. Sydney and Blu ended up making eye contact which lead to Sydney rolling her eyes at her. Jahseh noticed the look the two girls gave each other, but decided not to speak on it.

"You good?" He asked her again, nudging her arm a little. She look over at him then shut her textbook.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just experiencing a hard friendship moment. But, that's typical with me so it is what it is. I'm starting to think I'm the problem." She mumbled the last part to herself.

"What you mean by that?" He asked, hearing her. She shook her head not answering his question. She started putting her books in her bag then got up.

Before she could walk off, Jahseh grab her hand. "Where you going?" He asked, getting up as well.

She shook her head, "To my class, I wanna get there early." Her snatch her arm away from him and got off the bleachers. Jahseh followed after her, grabbing her arm again.

She turned around to face him, "Jahseh..." she paused, her voice cracking a little.

"Are you about to cry?" He asked seeing her eyes getting watery.

"No, I just want to go." She answered, quickly wiping her face. Jahseh look back, looking at Brittney and the girls who was staring at them.

"Aight, lemme walk you to class." He suggested, looking back at her.

"You don't-"

"I'm going to, so come on." He cut her off, she nodded her head then started walking.

Jahseh followed behind her and before he left the gym, he look back at the girls. Whatever they did, he figured it was something fucked up since Blu was about to cry.

Jahseh tap his finger on the steering wheel, his leg shaking as he tried to build up the courage to get out his car. Shutting his eyes, he took a deep breath relaxing his nerves.

"You got this." He spoke to himself. Finally having the courage, he opened his car door then got out.

After shutting the door and locking it, he put his hood on his head then told another deep breath. He started walking down the street, the dangerous parts of where he lived at. As he walk, he kept his head down not wanting to be seen by anyone.

He didn't want to be picked out of the bunch, he was an outsider and lord only knows what they do to outsiders. As he kept walking, he tried to also make out his mom. Sadly, his mom was out on these streets that were filled with drug dealers, prostitutes, and crackheads. All of them on the same street, hustling in different ways.

"Heyyy, baby. You here for something special?" A prostitute asked walking up to him.

"Nah, I'm good." He answered, dodging her from touching him. He walked past a couple more who was trying to do something with him.

He eventually came across a group of men, they all stare at him as he walked by. Jahseh wasn't about this life at all, that's why he was hesitant to even come out here. But, he wanted to see her and this was the only way.

Walking near an alleyway, he seen a man and a woman talking. Once the guy stepped to the side, he was able to make out his mom. He sigh again walking up to the two of them.

"You got my money?" He heard the guy asked, the look on his mom face was fearful.

"How much?" Jahseh asked, the guy and his mom looking at him.

The guy look him up and down, "Who you?" He asked aggressively.

"Just...how much?" Jahseh asked again, not wanting any problems. He knew if his mom didn't pay then something was going to happen to her. And he didn't want anything to happen to her.

"$100." The guy answered, looking Jahseh up and down. Jahseh took out his wallet and took four twenties out. The man snatched the money out his hand, Jahseh clenching his jaw.

"Next time you pay." The guy threatened Beth before walking away. Jahseh put his wallet back, knowing he just got cheated out of his money. And as much as he wanted to make it such a big deal, he didn't have the energy to do so.

Putting his hands back in his pocket, Jahseh look at his mom. Her chocolate skin look lighter than before. Her eyes droopy, wrinkles everywhere on her face and her lips dark as ever. She look homeless and she really was.

He cleared his throat, "Umm, I see your still on and I literally just paid for whatever the hell you got." Jahseh muttered the last part to himself. He wanted his mom off drugs, but he ended up contributing to it just a minute ago.

"Are you selling some?" Beth asked, scratching and Jahseh shook his head.

"No, I'm not and I thought you was getting off drugs mom?" He asked her, Beth raise her brow.

"Mom? Jason?" She asked, eagerly touching Jahseh face. "I haven't seen if you so long Jason."

Jahseh cleared his throat, moving her hand. "I'm not Jason, I'm Jahseh. Your other son." Jahseh told her, Beth squinted her eyes at him then nodded her head once she remembered him.

"Oh jeez, you look just like your brother. Where's Jason anyway?" Beth asked, Jahseh look around swallowing the huge lump in his throat.

"Umm, Jason isn't here anymore. He died during the summer." He asked, lowering his head. Beth gasped then shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, you lose 'em every now and then. Bummer, he was only eighteen and your a big fourteen year old. You got so tall." Beth said looking up at him. She was still stuck on four years ago, so she assumed Jahseh was fourteen.

"I-uhh, mom I'm not fourteen anymore. Four years passed already and I'm eighteen now and Jason was twenty-two." Jahseh told her.

"Oh well, you get them mixed up sometimes." She shrugged her shoulders then took out the bag of white powder out her pocket.

Jahseh frown, "Mom, can you not?" He asked, but she ignored him. He snatched the bag out her hand and out of reflex, she smack him across the face.

Jahseh shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. Beth took the bag back from him, not knowing what she had done. She didn't know how bad his anger issues had gotten over the years, so she didn't see a problem with her smacking him. Tilting his head side to side, Jahseh calmed himself down before he spoke.

"Please don't put your hands on me." He told her calmly and that's how you knew he was pissed.

"Don't touch something that doesn't belong to you." She told him.

"Mom, you don't need to be on this. You have a whole family and your choosing drugs instead of getting better. You don't see how fucked up that is?" He asked, Beth scoffed shoving the bag in her pocket.

"I was tricked into taking drugs, it's the doctors fault not mine." She told him. If it wasn't for the doctor who prescribed her the wrong drugs while she was pregnant, then she wouldn't be in this situation.

But, it was her fault as well. She had an opportunity to go to rehab, but she refused to go.

"Yeah, you could've went to rehab, but you refused. I found you on the floor in the bathroom foaming out the mouth! You didn't think you should go to rehab after that?" He raise his voice, getting upset about the whole thing.

"Don't raise your voice at me! I'm your mother!" She shouted, pointing her finger in his face.

"You don't act like my mom at all! You fucking left me with my dad that fucking hates me. My brother left and I have to take care of my little sister. You know how hard it is to take care of a four year old? She asks me all the damn time about her mom and I have to lie to her and tell her that your going to come home soon. I lie to her and tell her that Jason won a fight against a fucking monster and is chilling at a make believe place where princes go after defeating a monster. And she always ask when will she be able to see y'all. How am I suppose to answer that?" Jahseh asked, his voice cracking a little.

He was tired and weak. He tries to put up this front in front of others, especially his sister because he didn't want to be seen as weak. He was his sister caretaker, the only person she depended on. As much as he wants to be here, he didn't see a future for himself at all. He was over all of it and didn't want to do it anymore.

He just couldn't.

"Don't answer it then. Your making it difficult for your damn self, leave the little girl." Beth told him with no care in the world. She began to walk away, but Jahseh grabbed her arm.

"Mom, please." He begged, his eyes getting watery. "Please."

Beth ignored him, snatching her arm away from him. She walked away from him heading to a group of guys. Jahseh sniffled, wiping his face. He realized there was no point in trying anymore, it wasn't worth it. He cleared his throat, turning around and started walking back to his car. He tap his thumbs together in his pocket.

He seen a guy walking in his direction, they made eye contact and the dude gave Jahseh a head nod. Just a second after the nod, shots were fried and Jahseh quickly duck. He wasn't sure where they were coming from, so his reaction was to duck.

When he figured the coast was clear, he stood up and his eyes widened quickly. The guy he had just gave a head nod to was now laying on the ground, a pool of blood surrounding him. He stare at the now dead body and instantly thought about his brother.

The same way his brother body laid there lifeless is the same way this man body was. And the longer he stood here, the more he thought about that night. He shook his head, feeling himself get emotional. It wasn't the same and he knew it wasn't, but all he seen was his brother body laying there.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he realized he was still standing here. Wasting no time, he started running back to his car. Not bothering to look back and not stopping until he reached his car. He got in his car, his hands skating a little as he put the key in the ignition. He couldn't calm down this time since this was how he acted on that night.

His PTSD was kicking in and was scared out of his mind. He didn't want anything to happen. He knew he should've stayed home.

He knew they should've have went out that night.

Excuse mistakes if there were any, I was typing fast as hell.

Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?