I have to figure it out.

Mabilis kong hinabol si Hunter papasok sa bahay niya. Hindi ako aalis. Sanay na akong ipinagtutulakan niya.

Naalala ko ang sinabi ni Zyc. Siguro hindi ko lang siya naintindihan noon pero ngayon alam ko na ang ibig sabihin niya. Hunter needs me the most. Wala siyang ibang kasama rito, kaya nga siya may assistant. Alam kong magaling siya at malakas, pero mayroon din siyang mga bagay na hindi makakayang gawin. Kailangan niya pa rin ako.

Nakasalubong ko si Zyc nang akmang aakyat na ako. Mukha pa siyang nagulat nang makita ako.

"Diveca? You're still here."

"Si Hunter? Gusto ko mag-stay dito. A-Asawa pa rin naman niya ako 'di ba?" mukhang natigilan siya sa sinabi ko.

"Pero... kasi... Paano ko ba sasabihin."

"Ayaw na niyang nandito ako?"

"He's hurting too, Divecca. Mas nasasaktan siya kapag andito ka. Pinapalaya ka na niya. Mas magiging masakit lang na mananatili ka rito."

"I am staying," mas mariin na sabi ko not accepting the idea of leaving him alone.

Walang nagawa si Zyc nang tumakbo na ako paakyat. Una ko siyang pinuntahan sa office niya pero wala siya roon, not until... I heard some soft, sad music. Someone is playing the piano.

Marahan kong sinundan ang tunog hanggang sa makapasok ako sa kwarto ni Hunter. It was all dark, hanggang sa may makita akong sumisilip na liwanag mula sa isang medyo nakaawang na pinto... Marahan akong naglakad papasok doon, only to know that it was a small music room.

Hindi ko alam na may ganito siya. I was not aware that he also had a heart for music.

A familiar song played, and he was staring nowhere. Habang ang mga daliri niya'y experto sa paggalaw sa mga key.

He was playing... River flows in you.

I know the meaning of that song... Pero bakit ang lungkot nitong intindihin at pakinggan ngayon?

I forgot to move and was stuck there. Hindi ko siya magawang tawagin. Sa kalagitnaan nang pakikinig ko, bigla siyang huminto.

"I told you to leave."

"Stop pushing me away, Hunter." He laughed sarcastically, and it was painful to hear.

"Kasi hindi ka umaalis. Ano pa bang dapat kong gawin para iwan mo ako, Dimaria? I've done enough to chase you away. Sinaktan kita ng sobra, marami na akong nagawa para lang umalis ka, so why do you have to make it more difficult and painful for me? It's hunting me. Sinaktan kita... Kaya dapat umalis ka na... Huwag mo na akong pahirapan? Mas lalo lang... Akong nasasaktan kapag naiisip ko lahat ng ginawa ko sa 'yo para lang iwan mo ako."

"Sinabi ko na sa 'yo noon, I will stay kahit gaano kasakit. I admit, the latter was too much for me to bare. Y-You asked for me to throw my child away. Pinapili mo ako. I hate you for that... Hinding hindi ko 'yon mapapatawad." Kahit hindi niya ako nakikita ay umiwas pa rin siya ng tingin, like he's hiding his emotions from me.

"That is why I want you to leave me for good," He murmured with his cracked voice.

"At sa tingin mo, mapagbabayaran ng pag-iwan ko sa 'yo lahat ng kagaguhang dinulot mo sa akin?! Paano kung sabihin kong gusto kong manatili dahil gusto kong pahirapan ka? I want it, I like it, I like to see you suffer. With me here with you, with my presence, mumultuhin at mumultuhin ka ng mga bagay na nagawa mo sa nakaraan. " I growled. It was my first purpose. Pero sa ngayon, alam kong kasinungalingan na lang 'yon.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang mga dahilan ko kaa bumalik ako rito ay unti-unti nang natutunaw.

"Kulang pa lahat ng nararamdaman at nararanasan mo ngayon, lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko noon, Hunter. At mawawala lang 'yon, kung patuloy kong masasaksihan ang paghihirap mo. I'm not here to mend our marriage or anything...I am actually here to ruin you, pero hindi ko inaasahang madadatnan kitang sira na. Too bad, hindi nga lang ako ang gumawa." Tears fell on my cheek. What the hell am I talking about?!

It keeps on crushing me, but this is the only way for me to stay.

Umuga ang balikat niya at narinig ko ang mahina at nasasaktang tawa niya. He nodded his head before he sighed and stood up.

Kinakapa niya ang paligid. I guess he's done pretending. Masasabi kong sa mga naunang araw magaling ang pagpapanggap niya, because he did convince me he's fine.

"If that's so, I guess I don't need to chase you away. Feel free to leave after you satisfy yourself. I am giving you the right to do whatever you want. Enjoy your stay Dimaria." Pinanuod ko siyang umalis. My heart was throbbing. I didn't mean those words.

Naiinis lang ako, nasasaktan... Nalilito, higit sa lahat nagagalit ako sa sarili ko sa iba't ibang bagay.

Matapos niyang tumungo sa kwarto niya ay hindi ko talaga binalak umalis sa bahay na 'yon. Muli kaming nagkausap ni Zyc pero masyado itong maingat sa pagbibigay ng impormasyon, kaya wala rin akong nalaman mula sa kaniya.

Kinagabihan ay ako ang nagluto ng pagkain ni Hunter. Katatapos ko lang makipag-usap kay Tremor at Diana. Gusto kong matuwa na mommy na ang tawag sa akin ng bata pero tinatalo ako ng kakaibang lungkot na bumabalot sa bahay na ito.

It was dark, cold, gloomy, alone. Just like Hunter. Now that he sees nothing but darkness, How did it happen to him? To us? How did everything trick us to lose ourselves, drowning in the darkness?

I was lured into it. I was lured into darkness, but Hunter... he's drowning inside of it.

My heart aches. My mouth could shout, but in fact, I was already screaming inside.

Mabilis kong pinalis ang luhang kumawala bago mabilis na tinungo ang kwarto niya bitbit ang tray ng hapunan na niluto ko.

Tulad no'ng unang beses matapos ng apat na taon, nasilayan ko ulit ang madilim niyang kwarto and I saw him standing near the window. Nakahawi ang kurtina at natitiyak kong pumapasok ang malamig na hangin mula sa labas.

"Hunter" Pagtawag ko sa attention niya ngunit hindi niya ako pinansin.

"Kumain ka na, gusto mo bang subuan kita?" Pinasigla ko ang boses, encouraging him... Tila nang lalambing, kahit sa kabila noon pilit na itinatago ko ang panginginig at pagkabasag ng boses.

Hindi ako nakatanggap ng sagot kaya lumapit ako. I was about to touch him, pero nagdalawang isip ako kasi baka magalit siya.

"Ipinagluto kita, kumain ka na muna. May iinumin ka pang gamot hindi ba?"

"Hindi ka pa rin umalis." He wasn't asking. He said that in a monotone voice. I swallowed hard.

"I told you."

"How many years?"

"Huh?" I asked.

"How many years are left? For me to pay for everything I did?"

"I wasn't thinking about that."

"Kung hindi, you better go."

"I told you, stop pushing me away." Hinawakan ko ang braso niya pero tila napapasong itinulak niya iyon palayo.

"Marry him."

"I am still married to you."

"Malapit na dumating 'yong panibagong divorce paper after that. Marry him."

"Don't tell me what to do." I said in a low voice.

"Ano pa bang dapat kong gawin para umalis ka na?" Nabakas ko ang pagod sa boses niya. I didn't speak. Tears started to well in my eyes.

"Fucking four years. I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. Gusto ko na magpahinga." I saw how his eyes glistened. Kuyom na rin ang kamao niya at mararahas na ang kaniyang paghinga.

My chest ached. Mabilis ko siyang niyakap at naramdaman ko ang pagkakabasa ng balikat ko kung saan ko ipinatong ang ulo niya.

He's crying in silence. His warm tears. The tears of pain and exhaustion.

"You have to be brave. Magkaka donor ka rin, Hunter. You just have to be more patient."

"I'm tired. I don't want to wait anymore. This is my karma, Dimaria. I did worse before. I deserve this."

"Stop talking about that!"

"I deserve to die. Masaya ako kapag nangyari 'yon."

"Tangina 'wag ka ngang ganyan! Alalahanin mo kung ilang taon mo akong ikinulong sa 'yo tapos, sa huli gugustuhin mo lang mawala?! Where was the Hunter before? Nasaan 'yong Hunter na matapang at matatag?! Stop acting like a loser because you never were."

"When I die, I promised to guide you and your family. Gusto ko, kahit wala na ako, masaya ka na. I want you to have a good and happy family. I failed to give you that. Dimaria, I want you to be happy. I want you to live in radiance. I want you out of the dark. Hindi ka bagay sa madidilim na lugar. You deserve to see the world as beautiful as you. You deserve to see rainbows and not gray, not black... or not even nothingness."

Unti-unti siyang humiwalay at kinapa ang leeg ko pataas sa mukha ko at sinapo iyon. He was touching my face like he was remembering what it looked like or memorizing it and picturing it in his mind.

"You still have a bright future ahead of you. And I don't have it. I'm stuck. And you deserve to walk forward."

"I can wait."

"Don't... Hindi pwedeng bumagal o huminto ang oras mo, para lang hintayin ako. Hanggang dito na lang ako Dim. Hindi ko na kayang magpatuloy."

"Let's walk together, Hunt. Aalalayan kita. Let's face the future together. Let's welcome it together. Hindi porket wala ka nang makita, wala ka ng karapatang magpatuloy. I will be patient. I will understand and help you. Let's go together." I hold his hand, ngunit unti-unti na itong dumudulas mula sa pisngi ko.

"I already stopped. Isang taon na. Ibinigay ko sa iba ang pangalawang eye donor." nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya.

"Nasisiraan ka na ba?!"

"This is my way of atoning for my mistakes, my sins. I told you, I don't need you to forgive me... I'm chastising myself. A punishment that could make you feel like dying while you're still alive."

Could it be... him?

Another assumption formed inside my head.

Siya ba ang dahilan kung bakit nakakakita ako ngayon?

That's quite reckless and stupid.