[the video starts with a close up of a corgi's face and stays like for a 30 second duration. it than quickly changes to a close up of (y/n)'s face]

oh, hi, thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of garbage

[the camera fumbles a bit and (y/n)'s face is no longer up, close, and personal with the the viewer]

if you don't know me, hi! you're what most people would call lucky. for those of you that do know me, please stop watching immediately because there's a 99.99% chance that I hate you

today I'm going to be documenting my death sentence trip! if you like seeing people be killed by the avengers than this video is for you!

[the camera is picked up as (y/n) walks out of her room. the pitter patter of her dog walking next to her can be heard]

bye mom! bye dad! Tony Stark's head of security is in our driveway to bring me to my death

have fun, sweetie!

[the camera quickly zooms in on (y/n)'s puzzled face]

oh my Thor, does my mom really want me to die?!

[the video cuts to (y/n) sitting in the back of an audi]

hey, Happy, I was informed by Tony that you don't like to admit that you have basic human emotions

please tell me that's true

I need to be your friend if it's true

[the dividing window is showed as happy raises it. (y/n) stares blankly at the camera in response]

*mutters* child abuse

so you're probably confused right about now, so sit your asses down and listen up because imma bout to do a quick story time

if you have never seen my twitter or insta than you may not know that I have been befriend by the avengers, as well as unofficially officially adopted by the amazing Natasha Romanoff and the mighty Thor Odinson

Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes are also like my biggest fan, not to brag or anything

[the video zooms in and out as (y/n) awkwardly clears her throat]

so with that being said, I've run into a bit of a conundrum with two of my friends regarding the identity of Spider-Man, aka the random spandex wearing superhero that Tony Stark stalked and then recruited

trust me, it's a true story

so now I'm on my way to the avengers wildlife exhibit in upstate New York where the avengers will formally yeet my body down into the atlantic and back

it's gonna to be a great time

[she flashes an uncomfortable smile at the viewers]

so here I am in a car with a big scary man on my way to my death!

I'm currently texting Tony and his intern who happens to be my best friend that I only met like once for like a whole 10 minutes because we were trying to find an opening to an alternate universe

Peter is great. he's the whole reason I got into this mess

I lied, it was definitely my fault. see, I had called him thinking I was calling Chick-fil-A but turns out he wasn't

and now we're best friends!

[the camera now faces out the window and towards an apartment complex]

PETEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!

[cue a heavily edited segment of peter getting in the car. the frame now shows both (y/n) and peter]

smile! you're on camera!

no

I just told them that we're best friends, and now you're making me look like a liar

[peter gives (y/n) a side eye that is zoomed in on quite intensely]

_______________

look at all those chickens!

[the video pans over to show a bunch of goats on the avengers compound property]

wait, why the fack do the avengers have goats?

Bucky is a goat whisperer

and suddenly Bucky is my new favorite

no he's not

now you're just being rude, Peter

I just speak the truth

[peter's face is shoved by (y/n)'s hand]

_______________

[an "aesthetic" montage of (y/n) and peter walking up to the compound is shown with the avengers' theme playing in the background]

I've met Thor and Natasha multiple times, so why am I nervous to be here?

because Mr. Stark wants to kill you

right, thanks for reminding me of my inevitable doom

you're welcome

I hate you

*finger guns*

[peter rings the doorbell multiple times while (y/n) knocks on the door like her life depends on it]

if this door doesn't open in the next 30 seconds, I'm kicking it down

I've been practicing. I could do it

only in your dreams

[the door is opened to reveal tony stark on the other side. tony's face is zoomed in on, his nose is what focuses in]

I'm in the presence of the money man

what are you doing?

vlogging. imma be a youtube star

_______________

[the camera is now held by peter as he films (y/n) running through a hallway screaming]

what has my life become?

THIS IS THE BEST AND WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!

somebody please come and kill me

I HEARD THAT, PETER!

fack

_______________

[the camera goes back and forth between a mind blown (y/n) and of thor and steve innocently drinking coffee in the kitchen]

[suddenly (y/n) screams at the top of her lungs. both thor's and steve's eyes go wide. the camera zooms in more on the 2 heroes]

shit

you said a bad language word

*casually takes a sip of coffee while eyeing steve with a pointed look*

*bangs head on counter*

it's been 4 years! when will you guys let that die?!

never

hey, (y/n)!

*flashes a peace sign* hello father

[tony walks into the kitchen looking confused]

did I miss something

yeah, a whole month when you were stranded in space

[tony stares into the camera like he's in the office]

why didn't I just let you kill me with your hammer when we first met?

*shrugs*

why would I know?

crazy question: can you zap me with your lightning?

[tony and thor just stare at (y/n) in concern. steve lifts his head up from the table]

what the fu-

[the video glitches to a message while The Star Spangled Man with a Plan blares in the background]

and now back to your regularly scheduled program!

_______________

[the camera is now held by (y/n) as she roams the halls of the compound]

mother! mother, please, I'm scared and lonely!

MAMA NAT, STEVE SWORE AND I AM FRIGHTENED!

_______________

[sam and bucky are now holding the camera and staring at it. (y/n) is nowhere in sight]

...

...

they continued to stare into the camera for an additional 30 minutes without uttering a word. I am both terrified and amused

_______________

Sam and Bucky are now fighting to the death in the middle of the living room. I think that's what this room is at least

[the video flashes over at natasha who is sitting on a couch with her feet up on the coffee table. she calmly eats a bag of popcorn as she watches a movie over sam and bucky fighting]

an actual goddess

this is why I love Natasha

I love you too

I might just die

want some popcorn?

I love food

last time I saw you, you had short blonde hair. now it's red again?

[clint suddenly appears from a vent that's over the couch. how and why he was there will forever remain a mystery]

it's kind of her thing

*shocked pikachu face*

hey, Clint

he does that sometimes

my life just flashed before my eyes

[clint plops down on the other side of (y/n) and grabs a handful of popcorn]

what are we watching?

AMERICA EXPLAIN!

_______________

[peter in his spider-man suit stands with his back to the camera as (y/n) zooms in on his ass]

[the sound of laughter is heard from behind the camera, it being provided by (y/n) and harley]

_______________

this is Harley!

hi

and Tony Stark is his sugar daddy

I never want to hear another word out of your mouth ever again

sorry, Toe Knee!

[a stock photo of a toe and of a knee flash up on the screen as (y/n) speaks]

*mutters* maybe I should just stop talking

_______________

[the camera is now on a kitchen counter while (y/n) searches the cabinets. she finds an expensive bottle of wine and slowly lowers out of sight]

[rhodey stands in an archway with a disapproving look]

dammit, rhodey! I was trying to make some cash!

I was never here

_______________

[the environment changed from inside to outside. harley is holding the camera, and peter, (y/n), thor, and bruce are in frame. displeasure is obvious on bruce's face. medical equipment is off to the side of the screen]

welcome back to me screaming

AAAAHHHH!

this is a horrible idea

Thor, why did you agree to this? you're literally the oldest one here, at least act like it

she's hard to say no to, and I take offense to that

that was kind of my goal

if that's the case, I should have left you on Sakaar

you take that back!

what am I witnessing?

sometimes they act like an old married couple and it scares me

papa?

please stop

papa, please

I am begging you to stop

[cue a time lapsed clip of peter and (y/n) bickering while thor and bruce bicker]

*awkwardly clears throat* sorry about that

what were we doing again? oh, right!

I'm going to have Thor electrocute me!

child protection services please don't come for me

*under his breath to Harley* Thor is so hot, somebody call 911

you're so gay for Thor

everyone is in love with Thor here, get used to it

(y/n) included, right?

especially (y/n)

cool

so cool

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god

please don't electrocute me to death!

if she dies, I die, and I don't think you want that on your conscious, Thor!

*stares straight into the camera* please send help

is alien protection services a thing because I think that needs to be a thing

you don't need alien protection services

you are alien protection services

[thor quickly zaps (y/n) with a small tendril of lightning cascading from his finger]

ow!

wait, hold on, that actually didn't hurt that bad

oh thank god

you're welcome!

why are you the way you are?

because Earth is a garbage planet

ain't that the truth

preach, you fine specimen of a man!

wait, can you like do that again but bigger

and you know what they say, go big or go home!

NO!

[the screen promptly cuts to black]

_______________

[back in the kitchen, (y/n) holds an ice pack to her cheek]

so Bruce may or may not have tackled me like a high school freshman football player

and now Wanda and I are taste testing food that her microwave boyfriend has graciously attempted to make!

don't call Vision a microwave, he's clearly an oven due to how hot he is

that's weird, but I love you so I'll let it slide

[vision, in his original form, places two plates of some pasta in front of (y/n) and wanda]

I brought you Frankincense

thank you

and I brought you Myrrh...

thank you

Myrrh...DER!

Judas, no!

wait, so you know vines!

I am the physical embodiment of the internet

no joke

I want that to be my superpower

no you don't

ok!

_______________

[a montage of everyone's backside is shown while the kazoo version of the avengers' theme plays]

[natasha winks at the camera when she notices (y/n) filming]

[sam poses for the camera and then slaps bucky's ass as he is oblivious to what was happening. bucky punches sam in the face with his real arm in response. they brawl for 5 minutes before steve comes and breaks it up]

[bruce, tony, steve, rhodey, thor, vision, and wanda never notice]

[clint drops it down low right as the beat drops]

_______________

[the camera is held by (y/n) as she walks towards tony who is talking with peter]

remember when I said I wanted your autograph so that I could sell it on the black market when I become homeless?

did you here something, Peter?

hear what?

nothing. must have been the wind

I am standing right here

wow, it sure is breezy outside

THERE IS LITERALLY NO WIND OUTSIDE, ASSHOLE

[tony turns and stares at (y/n) in deadly silence]

ᴵ'ᵐ ˢᵒ ˢᵒʳʳʸ, ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵏⁱˡˡ ᵐᵉ, ᵐʳ. ⁱʳᵒⁿ ᵐᵃⁿ ˢⁱʳ

_______________

I am now in hiding with Natasha because I fear for my life

she's a very scary woman who will ward off Tony if he comes for me

I am very intimidating

fear me, Stark

want to see the picture I'm having him sign?

[natasha looks over at what (y/n) is showing her. the picture cannot be seen by the viewer]

he's going to hate that. I love it

I have a better one too, but imma hit him with that one first

_______________

spill the tea

what's Captain America actually like?

he's a dumb ass bitch

he jumps out of planes without a parachute

he took drugs to get buff

he jumps out of buildings

he fights e v e r y o n e

[steve can be seen standing in the distance behind (y/n), bucky, and sam evidently offended]

don't be like Captain America, kids!

_______________

[the camera is wobbly as (y/n) runs through the compound hallways looking for tony]

TOOOOOOOEEEEEE KNEEEEEEEEEE!

oh, hi! sign this

[a picture of tony in the iron man armor face planting into a brick building is slammed down on the table tony is sitting at]

you have to be joking

yes, but actually no

for god's sake

I think you mean, "for Thor's sake"

[thor can be seen walking into the room in the background. tony stubbornly signs the picture]

what?

...

if you like pina coladas

take your goddamn autograph

I THINK YOU MEAN, "THORDAMN!"

I HATE MY LIFE!

mood

_______________

[peter and (y/n) are sitting on the floor, their backs against a couch. the camera is placed on the coffee table in front of them]

hello, and welcome to a segment where I answer life's most burning question

how do you become a superhero?

oh, this ought to be good

Peter, I swear-

after a long, hard day of avoiding death at the avengers wildlife exhibit

all you've done is caused a riot

I am going to kill you

do it

release me from this horrid world's clutches

*blinks* ok then

I have conducted research with the utmost precision on the steps to become a real life superhero

step 1, have extremely good looks. if you don't look like you're on the cover of Vogue, than you ain't it

what if you wear a mask?

gotta be hot with and without said mask then

Spider-Man has that covered. trust me, I'm an expert

step 2, have such a tragic backstory that it'll make serial killers weep

step 3, have superpowers, lots of money, be extremely smart, have a military background, or be an form spy for S.H.I.E.L.D.

you probably shouldn't say that last one

well, you know how the saying goes, you only live once!

only former S.H.I.E.L.D. spies count. if you're from another organization like the fbi, sorry, but you're a loser

step 4, if you don't have any of the previous requirements, be an alien or royalty or both