Is it possible that your own body feels like a burden? Cause this is how I feel now. I still struggle with disgust and guilt, I feel like burden to myself.

Its been seven months she left me again. She is in Turkey with Saba's parent. I couldn't fix the things between us. I miss her and my son a lot.

– " mei janta hu mei tumhari maafi ke laayak nahi hu but please mujhe maaf kar do aali. Please mujhse ek baar baat tuo karlo, ek baar mujhe dekh tuo luo."

–"Kya baat sunu mei aapki aur kyu sunu, kaha the aap jab mei aapka intezaar karti thi, akeli padi rehti thi is aas mei ki aap aayenge aur mujhse kahenge ki chalo aali mei aaya hu lene tumhe. Jab mujhe bhook lagti thi par khana nahi hota tha, Phek diya tha sadak par marne k liye mujhe apne bache k saath. Jaiye ahad kisi aur ko sunaiye ye pyaar ka gaana. Mei akela rehna seekh gayi hu, aur ab mei akeli nahi hu mera bacha hai uske saath rahungi mei. mujhe Aapse koi baat nahi karni ab."

– "Please mei mar raha hu aali maaf kardo mujhe."

– "Mei bhi roz aisi hi maute mari thi ahad"

Saying this she lay down, closed her eyes and turned to the other side.

And after 2 months of discharge she left me and this time with a letter.

Doctor please bataiye na kya hua hai ahad ko, ab aisa nahi dekha jaata isse.

"Dekhiye meine phele hi bola tha ki yeh depression ki aur badh rahe hai, inhe proper attention ki jarurat hai. Aap log baat kariye inse, inke akelepan ko door kariye. Inki tabiyat aisi hi rahi tuo masla ho jayega."

Everyone at khan mansion were depressed and now it was becoming more difficult to handle him. After she left, he lost himself, he locked himself in the room and started working from home. He became silent and now his depression and anxiety has become worse.

"He is lying on my chest and making sounds, probably want me to get up from my sleep. I hold him tightly and started tickling and he started laughing in his baby voice." suddenly I wake up with the alarm sound.

"Ek aur sapna, kaash mei ye sapna ji paata par mei is akelepan ke layak hi hu. I don't want to do anything anymore, I know it sounds so pathetic but I am just so tired. Tired of everything mentally physically and emotionally."

"Kuch bhi kar ke bacha lo mere bache ko please usse contact kijiye. Vo khatam ho jayega, uska dard naasoor banta ja raha hai, please fahad beta tum baat karo usse, vo tumhe kabhi mana nhi karti. Please bache aphe bhai ki maddad karo."

– "Ammi aap roye na, mei baat karta hu."

Ayaan mera beta. Ahad hamesha se bete ka naam Ayaan rakhna chahte the aur beti ka Amaira. He is a little devil sabko nacha kar rakhta hai. But he is very intelligent, he is just like ahad same eyes and hairs with same attitude.

When I came to turkey, I was nervous, sad and worried for Ayaan. But as time passed, I felt happy. I am creating beautiful memories here with Ayaan with the help of Husna aunty and Saba's family now my family too. it was wonderful, I cannot think of a time I felt so happy.

I have learnt art of sleeping without sleeping, even after another sleepless night when I wake up and see the little bundle of joy beside me playing it just make the best morning ever. I could not get enough of him.

Today I was not feeling well. It's like I will get some bad news, may be because of ahad.

They said losing someone hurts more than anything but I think it doesn't because for me missing him was the worst part. Every day I cry and cry as his memories never let me sleep. I know I have to take some decision soon but its like my mind and heart both were waiting for some signal. I was in my thoughts when I got the call from fahad.

Aaliya- "Assalamualaikum fahad, kaise ho tum"

Fahad – "Walaikum Assalam Aaliya tum India aa jao please, ahad bhai ko tumhari jarurat hai maaf kardo unhe ab. Vo depression mei chale gaye hai, aur ab tuo unhone khana peena bhi chode diya hai. Unki galtiyo ki sazaa unhe mil gayi hai aaliya please ab aur mat sazaa do unhe. Unhone jeene ki umeed chod di hai. Hum unhe ab aise nahi dekh sakte. Please aa jaao."

Aaliya- "mei aa rahi hu". Fahad ki baat sunkar use bus ek hi khayal aa raha tha aur vo tha ahad. Vo kuch aur bol hi nahi saki. Vo ahad ko sazaa dena chahti thi par aise nahi.

""

Once I reached home (Khan mansion) I stormed up to his room. As soon as I opened the door he was lying on his bed with tear stain on his cheeks and at that moment I made my decision.

. I settled ayaan on his bed and left the room.

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