(ptsd & nightmares)

LIAM

-

I woke up and took a shower. Violet is still sleeping. It's 9am now. I put on some grey sweats and walked out the bathroom.

"No please don't hurt me. Please stop... please-"

What the fuck?

Is she having a nightmare?

"Please stop! No!no!no! Go away! Ow it hurts! It hurts! Make it stop-please God make it stop.." Violet was now screaming, crying, and kicking in her sleep.

I ran over quickly and put my arms around her. I have nightmares too.

"Violet it's okay. It's okay Violet it's a dream" i said running her back with her head in my lap.

"No please! Make it stop!! Make it stop-"

"Mí reina it's okay. Im here. Im not going anywhere. You're okay. I'll Protect you. I promise. You're okay. Im here.shhh"

She finally calmed down and started to open her eyes. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. God i wonder how long she's been like this when i was in the shower. She looked beautiful still, even after just waking up and crying.

"L-Liam? Liam. Please I'm sorry. I always mess everything up. I should go- I'm sorry- I'll go-" she said while still crying and getting up.

Don't go.

"Violet it's okay. You didn't mess anything up, don't go Violet-" i said getting up and followed her to the living room.

"No liam i messed it up! Why do i always do this! It's always my fault, I'm sorry. You should've have had to see that. You shouldn't have met me. I don't deserve you. Or anyone. Im sorry, i shouldn't have stayed i have to go-" she said picking up her stuff.

"Violet what? No you didn't do anything wrong."

I don't know what to do.

Usually I'm the one leaving.

What do i do?

Is she just as broken as i am?

"Liam no I'm sorry. Don't text me. Just leave before i mess this up too. Im sorry-" she said as she slammed my door and left.

What?

What just happened?

Mí reina just... left?

_____

VIOLET

-

I don't know why i stayed. I wanted to- but i should've known this would happen. My nightmares.

I haven't had them in a couple weeks. I thought i was getting better. As i was walking to my apartment i was regretting everything. God I'm still in his clothes.

I've had nightmares for a couple years now. Ever since i met my ex. And they're terrible. They turn into night terrors too sometimes.

I just don't want to ruin him. I ruin everything. I don't deserve Liam. I'm happy when I'm with him. I don't deserve that. I'll just ruin him like i do to everything and everyone. As my family said.

God i hate myself.

As i walked in my apartment i walked straight to my balcony. And pulled out a cigarette, and lit it and put it between my lips.

My mom was a doctor. She always said to never smoke or drink. But here i am. I'm sure she doesn't care anymore. I know it's killing me, that's why i smoke. I hate myself for doing this. I should've never went to dinner with him that night, or went to the club, or fuck- i called him when i was crying?

He doesn't deserve to take care of me because I'm too broken to take care of myself. I'm so weak. I cant even face jacob. I run. I always run.

I just want to stay.

-

I took a 20 minute hot shower. I got out and put on sweats and a hoodie. Even though it's hit or today. I doubt I'll go anywhere. It's now 8 pm . I smoked and watched Netflix all day. I haven't been on my phone today yet.

I haven't ate today yet. Im hungry. I would get doordash but i love New York City at night, and i love driving around in my jeep, with all the windows down while screaming my favorite songs.

Im gonna go to canes. I love canes. Their lemonade is to die for. I should buy the gallon sized lemon fade.

I got in my and drove to canes and got a three finger combo , with extra bread, and ketchup because canes sauce sucks. And a lemonade. And a gallon sized lemonade to take home.

I went home and sat down on my couch while tvd played. I opened my phone to a couple messages.

(12:01pm)

😏

😏

(8:27pm)

😏

Fuck. I cant text him back. I hope he just forgets about me. He can find someone better. I do miss him though. It's only been a day but i miss him. I just don't want to ruin him too.

___