**this chapter is supposed to be in direct contrast to the last chapter. honestly, i feel like another side of gojo needs to be talked about, so ima try my best. hope you like it.

also, it's still a flashback of what happened between them**

I sat on the floor of my bathroom, my back resting up against the sink. I had never felt lower in my life. Everything seemed like it was seconds away from crashing in around me.

All I wanted was to talk to Y/n, to see her beautiful face and kind eyes, hear her sweet laugh. I missed her so much.

And even though she was the only one in the world that could make me feel better, I felt so pathetic. I didn't want her to know I got like this. I didn't want her to know how weak I really was.

She'd seen me cry before, but to know it got this bad, I could never let her see it. She might already know from connecting with me, but I wouldn't let her see it firsthand. Not now and not ever.

But honestly, I was exhausted. I was sick of this life. I was tired from being responsible for everyone. Every part of me felt drained.

And tonight of all nights, I agreed to go out with everyone. I really didn't want to, but I couldn't back out now.

I couldn't let anyone know I had these feelings, that I had bad days, that I broke down too. I was expected to carry the jujutsu world on my back, nothing else about me really mattered.

I focused on getting my breathing under control as I ran my fingers back through my hair. I can't remember the last time it got this bad.

I was having panic attacks almost everyday now. They started when Y/n and I got into that huge fight recently. I could never cope well when we weren't on good terms.

As scary as it was, I needed her. I needed her more than she would ever know. Why couldn't I tell her? Why couldn't I just let her see all of me?

She was probably the least judgmental person I had ever met, and she loved me more than I've ever been loved before...

Fuck, I really wish she was here.

I forced myself up to my feet before I crashed back into hysteria thinking about how much I missed her.

I opened up the small cabinet behind the mirror to grab my toothbrush. I stared at the small little box I kept tucked against the corner of the top shelf.

Someday when I finally got the courage, I would ask her... Someday when we weren't on the tail end of a major fight and could actually spend some real time together.

I don't know what the hell I would do if she ever left. But I was such an asshole sometimes. Why couldn't I get my shit together?

After brushing my teeth and splashing my face with cold water, I quickly got dressed and left to head out for the night. Nanami was already waiting for me, and I took my time getting into the passenger seat of the car.

He always drove when he agreed to come out so that he could leave whenever he wanted. And so that I could drink as much as I wanted, as I was known to do on occasion.

"You're late," he said impatiently as he drove away.

I smirked, "Good to see you too, Nanami."

I didn't know why, but he seemed more uptight and on edge than usual.

"You good?" I asked him.

"Fine. Are you doing ok?" I noticed him glancing over at me.

"Mm, you know me Nanami. I just love going out," I let out a soft laugh.

The rest of the car ride was quiet, but I didn't mind and I knew Nanami preferred it that way.

He could probably tell something was wrong with me too, but he never asked. That's just how he was, and I was grateful.

Other than Y/n, he knew me best. He put up with me, but I think he knew how exhausted I got with everything.

So when I was quiet, he let me be, knowing I would never act this way in front of anyone else.

I checked my phone as we rode up the elevator. I hadn't heard from Y/n all day... I didn't even know if she was finished with her last mission or not.

I sent her another quick text and looked over at Nanami after I slid my phone back into my pocket, "Have you heard from Y/n recently?"

"Isn't she your girlfriend?"

I just rolled my eyes and ignored him. I really wasn't in the mood.

He sighed, "Yes. I've heard from her."

"And? Is she doing ok?"

"I think so. She'll be back in Tokyo soon."

I didn't know why, but that really pissed me off. I didn't even know she was going to be home soon. Why the hell did he know?

I knew they were just friends, but it still just irked me sometimes how much they talked. I wanted to be able to talk to her like that too...

And I guess we would be right now if I wasn't always starting fights with her. I don't know why I did it.

I just always took out my anxiety and anger on her because she was there, and she could handle it. And she always still loved me afterwards.

But she was a fighter in her own right, and never liked being walked all over. So if I started some shit, she finished it, and she was as stubborn as they come when she's pissed.

I felt a small smile creep up on my face as I thought about it. I actually loved how annoyingly feisty she was.

We walked out onto the rooftop bar, immediately spotting our group of friends. I sat there a bit as I listened to them talk about who knows what.

Maybe a drink will help me actually want to be here.

"I'm going to the bar," I said to Nanami before standing and walking away.

I ordered my usual drink and leaned my back against the bar, taking my first sip as I looked out mindlessly over the crowd.

I checked my phone again. No text back but she read it. What the hell... I thought we were at least on decent terms right now.

As I ordered my second drink, I noticed a girl staring as she walked over to me. I downed it before she got to me.

"What's a guy like you drinking all alone for?" she asked in a flirty voice.

She was cute enough. Short and tiny, blonde hair with blue eyes, a squeaky voice. She was the exact opposite of Y/n, and part of me really wanted the distraction.

I guess I'll entertain this for a bit.

Some time had passed and I knew I was being way too flirty and touchy, leading this girl on way too much, being just like how I would be if I was single.

But I couldn't stop. I figured it wasn't hurting anyway. Not like I would ever do anything. I was just letting some girl fawn over me, kind of enjoying the attention and a moment of numbness.

"We should get out of here," she smirked.

I shrugged, "Sure, why not?"

I definitely wasn't going anywhere with this girl, but I thought I could just walk her down and grab her a cab before going home myself. I was done for the night anyway.

The bartender handed me the check, and it really pissed me off. I was literally standing here the whole night, how the hell did they get my tab wrong?

The bartender smiled at me, "Your girlfriend ordered it."

"My girlfriend? What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him. Did they really just let some

girl order shit and put it on my tab? How incompetent could they be...

I noticed Nanami storming up to me and let out a loud sigh. I already knew what he was thinking, and I was definitely in for a lecture.

Even if I didn't have any intentions with this random girl, he was going to be pissed I would ever even flirt with someone else when I had Y/n.

He was right. It was stupid, and I would be so hurt if she ever did the same thing. But it's not like she was talking to me anyway.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Nanami yelled at me "Y/n's right fucking there!"

My heart dropped as he said that and I whipped around to find her. As our eyes met, it felt like my entire world crumbled around me.

I immediately rushed over to her. How could this be happening? As soon as I reached her, we got into it.

She came to surprise me... I felt like such an asshole. That's why Nanami was weird in the car. That's why she didn't respond to my text. She was trying to do something special, and I just fucked it up. Like always.

When I thought I couldn't sink any lower, she started crying.. her voice now shaky with disappointment and heartbreak. And why wouldn't she be? She thought I was just about to cheat on her.

As she stood up, I couldn't help but to let my eyes wander across her body. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on.

She tilted my head back up to meet her gaze, "Eyes up here, Gojo!"

I couldn't think about anything else other than how badly I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and love her. Nothing else mattered, "You look beautiful. I've missed you so much."

"Yea I know I look fucking beautiful..."

I really wanted to laugh as she said that. Of course I didn't, I don't have a death wish, but damn. I loved her confidence so much. It was always so attractive.

"How many times have you cheated in the past year!?" she yelled at me.

My thoughts quickly snapped back to just how much I had hurt her tonight, "Never!! And I never would've slept with her! You're everything to me! I don't know, I was feeling so alone and so sad, it was just numbing the pain. I'm so sorry. Please don't go."

"Too bad I don't believe you."

Everything was a blur after that. Of course she didn't believe me... I hadn't exactly given her a reason to trust me tonight. But cheat on her? Really cheat?

Part of me didn't even know how she could

ever think I'd do that. Did she really not know by now just how much she meant to me?

I thought I was going to collapse in pure panic as she walked away. What if she never forgave me this time... What if I really just blew it and I never got her back? What if this was it?

"Hey, you still need to pay your check," the bartender broke me out of my trance, and I watched as Y/n disappeared out of the bar.

"Ok, yea, whatever," I mumbled as I tossed him my

card.

"Man, you really fucked up with that one," he smirked as he handed it back to me.

"Trust me. I fucking know."

•••••

HEAD EMPTY. ONLY KAKASHI AND GOJO AZMZPSNXOS