Z A I D A A N

"What?"

And even as I said that, my own question faded in my mind and for a second I stared at her, and then shook my head, repeating the question, "No. Wait, what?"

Kainaat sighed as she took Mehek from me, "Nevermind,"

I caught her wrist before she could leave, "No, tell me. What's that supposed to mean?"

She gave mean agitated look, "It means I want a child, that is all. 'Can we have a baby?' is a pretty clear question."

I struggled with my words, "Kainaat, we do have two children. Mehek is just a few months old, why do you want another?"

Kainaat shook her head in response, "I meant..." she hesitated, "I meant a child of our own."

If there was one thing that troubled me the most, then it had to be the fear of not treating my daughters right. I loved them and no matter what anyone told, they were my daughters, my blessings. I had told many, many people that they are my daughters, and I would not bear to hear a word that denied the fact that they were my own. But now, as my wife stood in front of me with her eyes trained away, gaze lost somewhere else, I was at a loss of emotions,

"Mehek and Muskaan," I said calmly, "are our own children."

Kainaat nodded, "Of course they are, I didn't say they weren't."

"Then what do you mean by 'our own' child?"

Kainaat looked away, "You won't understand." with that she proceeded to walk away from me, but I was no one to have it,

"What is it that I won't understand, Kainaat?"

She stopped in her tracks, "You won't."

"Make me understand, then."

"Ugh, please. Just let it be. You won't understand, don't waste my time."

"Waste your time?" I cried out, a bewildered expression taking over my face, "How am I wasting your time after you hinted on our daughters not being ours, after you hinted on not owning them with all your heart?"

Her eyes flashed at me, "I said no such thing, Zaidaan. I love them. Stop twisting the meaning behind my words."

"You will come right back here and we are going to talk about this, I seriously did not expect you to say that. What did you even mean by 'our own child'?"

"Stop, Zaidaan," she turned to me, an annoyed look in her eyes, "I just asked you if we could have a child, you don't have to make it such a big issue."

I shrugged in her direction, "And you asking that obviously means that you are not satisfied with the family we have."

"I said no such thing, I just asked you if we can-"

"Ask yourself, can we?"

As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. It was a slap on her face, just how her asking for a child of our own, as if the girls weren't our own, was to me. Except, the intensity of my words weighed much more than the doubts in my mind, and as Kainaat visibly recoiled on her feet, I hurried to get to her, but I was already too late as she rushed out with a crying baby in her arms.

***

"I'm telling you, Inaya is the thief."

Inaya shot him a poker face, "Sami, stop confusing the poor girl."

Sami faked an innocent look, "What confusing? I've been saying the same thing for the past seven minutes!"

Inaya rolled her eyes, "Sahuf, tell us who it is."

Sahifa leaned against Kainaat, frowning in deep thought, "Let me think!"

"If you think so much, you might just loose."

"Don't listen to your chachu, Sahifa!" Inaya hit his arm. Sami chuckled and moved away, and I shook my head.

"C'mon darling just say already." Khalifa urged his daughter.

Sahifa shot a grin, "Sami chachu, it's you!"

Sami groaned, "How did you even know?!"

Sahifa shrugged, "You kept trying to divert my attention, there was no other explanation."

Inaya stared at her before muttering, "Remind me to never leave my kids with Husna."

"Hey!" Husna protested, "you're just jealous they'd be able to rhyme better than you."

"Kids? My kids won't need anyone for anything, they'll have everything by default from-"

"Your super amazing genes, we know, we know." Inaya cut Sami off, rolling her eyes.

We were currently seated around the living room, some sprawled on the floor and some on the sofa, as we played the real OG desi game. Basically, we made chits with roles such police, inspector, thief etc and assign a score to each role. While half of them don't loose anything, the deal lies with person who gets the chit of 'police' and the one who gets 'thief'. The police should warn everyone that he or she is the police and the rest are expected to be quiet, but of course everyone just throws the 'he is the thief' card on each other to confuse the person. If the 'police' guesses the 'thief' right, then they earn their points, if not, they get a zero. The game is never-ending, and despite me trying to join in on the fun, my gaze flickered to Kainaat.

She sat with her knees drawn to her chest, a genuine smile on her face as she watched Muskaan pick up a fight Sahil over a piece of paper.

I sighed as I turned back to Sami, "Just shuffle those damn chits now"

"Woah man, we have kids here." He retorted back, at first serious, before patting Inaya's head to which she snapped his hand away, glaring.

I chuckled at their antics as another round went on, and this time Kainaat declared,

"I'm the police!"

Husna and Sahifa immediately scooted away from her.

Family games were always a serious issue.

A small smile tugged on my face as she scanned everyone's face as Sami said,

"I swear, it's not me this time!"

Kainaat smirked at him, "I know, if you were, you wouldn't have said that now."

"Oh c'mon! when did you get a brain?"

"Ever since she got married and started spending time with me." Inaya did a bow while sitting as she said that.

"Shhh! Kainaat, who is it?"

She turned to look at Husna, "Not you, anyway."

Husna rolled her eyes while Fariyal reached forward for a cookie, "Husna never is."

Husna shrugged, "What can I say, I'm so shareef that I'm never the thief even in a game."

"Isn't she talking too much these days?" Khalifa shot her a look, and Saher bhabhi smiled, "It was about time she did, That's good for us."

"Okay, okay" I piped in before Husna could get in the 'I will not marry' lecture, "Who is the thief?"

"MEEEEEEE!" Muskaan bellowed, causing poor Sahil, who was drooping in a slumber to startle awake and start crying. Muskaan looked at him with a guilty expression as Saher Bhabhi picked him up, rocking him back to sleep.

Muskaan giggled to herself, "Not me. I fool mamam." Husna laughed at her expression before twirling the girl around, resulting in a laughing spree. I smiled as I watched her face, she laughed too easily.

And then I looked at Kainaat, and she met my gaze, and stared at me for a full minute before throwing her chit towards me,

"He is the thief," she said with an air of finalty, and with all due luck, she was right.

Husna's lips formed an 'O' as Fariyal chuckled, "He's the thief quite literally, eh?"

Husna clapped her hands once. "Exactly what I was gonna say!"

I looked at her, and she looked away, shoving a smile on her face, knowing full well what her sisters meant.

I was the thief not only in the game, but also the thief who stole her heart. And right now, the thief had broken it.

***

"Muskaan, come here."

Muskaan hugged a loofah close to her, "Mamam paa!"

Paa meant pani, which meant water, which meant she wanted to take a shower. Kainaat sighed, "Not now, jaani, mamam and Muskaan will do that tomorrow, okay? Aren't you a good girl? See, even Mehek is asleep."

The younger one contemplated, and I watched in amusement as she muttered in baby language all the way until she reached the head of the bed, stuck her tongue out and turned the other side.

"Muskaan!" Kainaat gasped, and I let out a chuckle.

She glared at me.

I shook my head, "How long are you going to avoid me?"

Kainaat patted Muskaan's back, soothing her to sleep, "I don't know."

"You know I didn't mean that," I said guiltily

"I don't know."

"You do understand that whatever I was saying-"

"I don't know."

"-was only out of concern." I stressed on.

She didn't reply back.

She turned on her side, hugging Muskaan closer, facing Mehek's cot beside our bed, and away from me.

I sighed, "Kainaat,"

She moved beneath the covers, "Let me sleep, Zaidaan, we are only having this conversation when you are ready understand."

For once I scowled at her back, before turning away from her and muffling my head in my pillow.

***

"Yeah, no. That won't work, I'm not sure."

I squinted my eyes open, trying to watch the scene in front of me, the clock beside me read 7 a.m, and Kainaat was pacing the length of our room as she talked on her phone, clearly agitated,

"I'll call you later, we'll see."

I plopped on my elbow to look at her, "What's going on?"

She wordlessly walked out.

Three hours later, I locked her in our room and crossed my arms, "Now we will talk, and you will tell me everything."

Kainaat sighed in annoyance, "I said what I said Zaidaan, you are the one bringing out meanings that don't even exist from my words. What am I supposed to say now?"

I stared at her, "You asked me for our own baby. That sentence irks me, and it irks you too. We are happy. We have two daughters. You love them. I love them. Everything is perfect. Then why?"

Kainaat shot me an annoyed smile, "Alright, let me rephrase that. Can we have a baby?"

I stared at her, "WHY?"

Kainaat pursed her lips, and after a moment of silence, answered, "You won't understand."

I was ready to bang my head on the wall. Grabbing her by her shoulders, I forced her to look into my eyes,

"Is this because some aunty at the wedding told you, or taunted you, or accused you of adopting because you didn't want to give birth? It's all those people and their stupid words getting to you, isn't it?"

She didn't say anything, but her eyes gave it away, and I released her.

She pulled at her hair, "It's not just that! Fine, it does affect me. But you know I always wanted that."

"And you have," I reasoned, "you are a mother to two-"

"I am not disowning them, why can't you understand that this question does not mean I don't love the girls!"

"Because in a way it does sound like it!"

I heaved out a breath and looked at her with a defeated gaze, "Why don't you understand that it's risky for you too."

She looked away, breathing hard, her hair covering a side of her face as she wrapped her arms around herself. I stepped closer,

"I don't want a child of my own, I want you. I can't risk losing you."

She looked at me with teary eyes, and in a hushed whisper, she took away my peace,

"But I can."

***

I walked out of the washroom and wiped my hands on the towel hanging on the side, staring at myself in the full-length mirror, wondering when I was going to convince Zaidaan. It wasn't really a matter of people talking, or me being desperate for blood relations. Allah knew that wasn't the case. I loved my daughters, they were my children! What troubled me more was the fact that we didn't really try for it to happen. We believed Abaan, and my seven year old reports stating my PCOS conditions, anemia and the risks and impossibility of a pregnancy.

Yes they were valid enough reasons, yes they were true, yes that was what was written in my Qadr, yes they said it was impossible but we didn't do anything extra to at least try before believing them. Maybe he was right...I was letting their words get to me. But I wasn't just doing this due to that reason, I deserved at least one chance.

One chance for myself.

One chance with just Allah as my provider.

I took a sip of water from the glass placed on the bedside table and pushed back the hair covering Muskaan's face. Kissing her forehead, I stepped out of our room and made my way to the living room. With Inaya gone and Fariyal no longer living because well for obvious reasons, I was the only one here, along with Ammi of course. Asma Baji had gone back to her in-laws, and the house felt empty without anyone around.

I smiled at Tayajaan and he muttered a string or prayers as I greeted him. Sitting cross him, I watched as Muskaan interacted with him,

"Da-tay!"

She called out to Tayajaan, using her own mixture of Dada and Tayajaan,

"Yes?" Tayajaan responded back,

"Will you, will you come with us to our, to our home?"

"Of course! When will we leave?"

"Daddy said soon!"

I looked at her in bewilderment, when did that happen? And how did Muskaan of all people know that?

"Did he now? Well then, I will come for sure!" Tayajaan responded enthusiastically.

"But, but no one ever camed before."

"It's came, Muskaan." Zaidaan's voice spoke from behind us.

Muskaan instantly let go of Tayajaan's hand and ran to him,

"Daddy! I askeded Datay to come with us!"

He picked her up in his arms, and walked up to us,standing a few feet away from me,

"MashaAllah such a good girl, we'll take Datay with us if he wishes to come, alright?"

Muskaan shook her head, "Can we, can we take evewyone?"

Zaidaan stared at her for a moment, "Okay, darling."

And then her attention shifted to me,"Mammam, we're taking more pweeple!"

I motioned for her to come to me, "InshaAllah, jaano. Come here."

She snuggled in my lap as Tayajaan got up to leave, and I kissed her forehead, snuggling her closer and muttering sweet nothings in her ear. She was clearly sleepy, and in typical Muskaan fashion, if she was sleepy, she was hyper.

I looked up as I sensed Zaidaan's gaze on me, and he instantly looked away. I stared at him until he had no choice except to look back, and I begged him. I begged him with my eyes- and I knew he saw right into my soul, and he stared at me, calmly, before turning his back to me,

"We'll leave the day after."

And then, he walked away.

***

And once again, I found myself in the premises of my home, surrounded by way too many people bidding me goodnight tonight.

I didn't know how many emotions I could count, but I had felt too many in the past three hours.

Apparently, I was the only one who didn't know we were leaving the day after.

So now, at my parents home, I watched as Muskaan and Sahil ran around trying to catch each other. Sahifa handled Mehek on my side and Husna was, to my shock, in the kitchen helping my mom.

Fariyal dusted her hands as she took her place beside me,

"Leaving too soon?"

I smiled at her, "Yeah. How is Husna in kitchen?"

Fariyal chuckled, "She's in 'the mood' apparently."

I rolled my eyes, "Only for today?"

Fariyal nodded.

I sighed and looked away from her, turning around as Muskaan came running back and nuzzled her head in my lap.

A few hours later, once dinner was done and the kids were put to sleep, I sat beside Husna as Fariyal joined us in her room, a load of snacks in her hand. Saher Bhabhi entered behind her and handed over the cookies to Husna before the two of them sat across us.

"So," I started, "to what do I owe this girls night?"

Husna shifted beside me, "Seeing how you might be gone for another two years..."

She shrugged. I gave her a tight-lipped smile, "Let's not talk about that. Tell me, what do you guys plan on doing?"

Saher Bhabhi looked at me, "Plan on doing what?"

"Something with life."

She snorted, "Raise two children. Call me for advice, although I have no idea how you handle two kids so close in age."

Internally shuddering about the tactics Muskaan could get up to, I waved a hand about, "Muskaan is fine so long as she gets to do the things that I do with Mehek. She's a doting elder sister, MashaAllah."

A murmur of mashaAllah went on, before I resurfaced my question,

"So what are you guys gonna do?"

Husna groaned, "Why the sudden need for this?"

I exchanged a glance with Fariyal, "Why are you so against this topic?"

Husna sprawled down, her head on my lap, hair all over the place and dramatically sighed placing a hand on her chest, "You don't know the troubles of being single at twenty-four with a mother trying to get you married and the desi aunties."

Chuckling, I shoved her away, "Stop with your nakhre, and for once be serious about that, Mamma is right, you should atleast let them come see you."

Turning to us with a sober expression, Husna ran a hand through her hair, "No. I'm not gonna go sit all dolled-up in front of six or seven entire strangers and wait for them to judge me in ten minutes based on my looks, my attire and the way I sit while I'm asked to serve tea and not open my mouth. AND besides, I have to focus on my career. Tayabbu has already given me freedom with everything, and with a dropout degree, I doubt my chances."

I gave her a soft look, knowing full well that wasn't the only reason, "You can focus on career after marriage too."

"I had no idea," she rolled her eyes, "genius. But, nope. I have dream, and I need to see it as a reality, and then we can focus on the other dream."

"Pardon me miss," Saher bhabhi piped in, "please elaborate on the 'other' dream?"

Husna's cheeks instantly heated up and she blinked, "I do have a lot of dreams. People don't share dreams."

Fariyal smirked, "Sure thing." she dragged the words.

Throwing a pillow while fisting a handful of M&M's, she stuck her tongue out, "Don't get any wrong ideas in your head."

"mhmm," Saher Bhabhi nodded, "That's just reassuring the idea we had in our heads."

Husna glared at her, and she laughed, "I won't tell your brother that you have some 'other' dreams."

"Moving on," Husna dragged, "I made it crystal clear that I wish to do something about my passion, and then we can focus on other things. But I have to do this, I have to prove it to Tayabbu that I won't disappoint him."

Fariyal's gaze softened, "You know Baba loves you more than all of us and would never think of you as a disappointment, right?"

Husna sighed, "I do, and that's what makes me feel worse. I feel like I had let him down when I dropped out of my nursing practice, much worse I chose a whole new field and pursued masters through crash courses, and he still supported my stupid decisions, all because it would make me happy. I need to prove myself to Tayabbu and Tayiammi."

A silence settled upon us, and Husna sighed again, "Alright, let's not get so serious. Speak up. Fariyal, answer her now?"

"What was the question, again?"

I shot her a glare, "What are you gonna do next?"

Pulling her knees to her chest, she looked up at me, "I don't know."

Saher Bhabhi pursed her lips before letting out a breath and saying,