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Z A I D A A N

The sun wasn't so high up in the sky yet, and the weather held a firm edge of petrichor in its ambience. My company, however, refused to enlighten me with a mood as pleasant as the weather.

One week back in Italy with Fariyal, and the routine was always the same. Pray, work, home, kids, show Fariyal around, a walk in the park, sleep. And Kainaat almost never talked to me unless absolutely necessary- I was nobody to budge either.

Fariyal had obviously noticed the tension, but was smart enough to stay out of it. She did try, however, to initiate conversations that would indulge both of us- or left us midway on the walks and took Muskaan and Mehek with her.

Needless to say, the problem was unsolved.

Yet another night as we walked around the park in circles, with Fariyal and Kainaat walking ahead as Muskaan held my hand and hopped ahead.

"...about that, you know," I heard Fariyal say, "it's been a week since I've come. And as beautiful this place is, I feel like I should get going."

I saw Kainaat frown, "Why? Are you not feeling at home?"

Fariyal shook her head, "No, Kainaat. It's not that. It's just...I don't know. I feel like an intruder, you and Zaidaan deserve your space as a family."

"Come on," Kainaat protested, "you are family. There's no intrusion!"

"And we have enough space as it is," I added.

The duo turned, and I shot a genuine smile Fariyal's way, who looked between the two of us, while Kainaat darted a shot-tempered look my way.

"You're not going anywhere until you give me a valid reason," Kainaat spoke with an air of finality.

We remained silent as Mehek fell asleep in Kainaat's arms, and I watched as she gently rested her cheek against the baby's head, lulling her in slumber, her hand patting the tiny back of our baby girl.

My heart constricted at the distance between us, even if she stood right beside me.

"I was thinking," Fariyal started again, and we turned to her,

"I...feel better here. Away from home."

I smiled at her, "That's good, I'm glad Kainaat asked you to come with us."

And I really was. For all anyone knew, I always felt responsible for Fariyal, in a way. It was all because of my brother, and it was a difficult thing to live with.

Kainaat nodded, "I told you so. Now, did you also think about other things?"

I shot a quizzical look at her but zipped my mouth when I saw the sisters converse with their eyes. I always thought the Khans were super expressive with their eyes, I just didn't know they actually spoke in a secret code language like that too. Fariyal averted her gaze and stared at the ground with an intensity that surpassed human grace, before ticking her jaw and sighing out loud,

"I want to move on."

It felt like watching the sea crashing on the shore, sudden movement, a splash of foam and water, seeping into the ground. Calming, because finally, she was ready to meet herself again.

I felt a rush of relief flow through me, and I glanced at Kainaat to find her staring at Fariyal. She placed a comforting arm around her and squeezed her shoulder,

"You will, sooner than you think, in sha Allah."

Fariyal gave a weak smile and nodded, before taking a deep breath,

"I also need one more thing from you."

I gave her a smile, "Please, don't hesitate."

Kainaat looked at me, for a moment it seemed as if she was suddenly unfocused on everything around us. Her eyes glistened when they met mine, conveying a thousand words before clouding away from my vision.

I turned to Fariyal to find her fidgeting before she finally let go of her barriers, "I want to study here. Maybe get a masters, or try another degree. I want to get financially stable. I want to stand up on my own two feet, I can't stay at home forever. It took me three years, but it's time, isn't it? I should let myself free, shouldn't I?"

The fact that she needed assurance from us for a decision that we'd been yearning to hear broke my heart- it was yet another proof of how less she believed in herself, of how much it pricked her to take a step ahead, of how much she bled every time she peeled the skin of her past off her skin. And for this, I could never forgive Abaan.

Kainaat stepped forward and engulfed Fariyal in a hug, and I couldn't hear what she murmured in her ear. Fariyal nodded against her shoulder and nodded my way. That night, as we headed back home, I felt a small part of myself being relieved after so long. Things were finally going to get better for Fariyal, In Sha Allah.

***

The next morning, I woke up to a cold bed. Mehek was fast asleep in her crib, and I found Muskaan draped in our blanket, clutching them tightly in her hands.

I made my way to the kitchen to find the sisters together, Fariyal having coffee while Kainaat flipped a pancake professionally.

"Subh bakhair," I muttered as I entered the frame, and Fariyal replied back. Kainaat just nodded.

Fariyal looked between us, before whistling lowly and eyeing us through the rim of her cup.

Two awkward minutes later, Fariyal placed her cup in the sink and cleared her throat,

"I'll just...go."

Instantly, I saw Kainaat stiffen, "Go where?"

wow, I was that threatening now?

But Fariyal was quick to sprint out, "Let me go get Muskaan, focus on the pancakes, bye!"

We followed her steps until she disappeared, before slowly turning to each other. I just stared at her, and she stared back.

Kainaat sighed, "We're going to the amusement park today?"

I nodded, "Yes, Muskaan wished to."

She didn't speak a word after that. I had trouble understanding why she was behaving like that, as if we were strangers. I did not understand how my looking out for her cause such a big void between us. I absolutely failed to understand how in the world could she not talk to me because Allah knew how much my heart yearned to hear my name from her lips and I...ugh.

By afternoon, as we got ready for the amusement park, I pulled Kainaat aside and trapped her against me,

"Listen," I whispered, "just be happy tonight, okay? I know we have issues right now, but for once, let us not make it obvious or let that have an effect on all the fun we can have tonight. Please, if not for me, then for the kids. Or for Fariyal. But please, please, do not upset me by being distant."

Kainaat stared up at me, finally in my eyes, and firmly nodded.

And walked away from me.

***

At the top of the Ferris wheel, the musical roar of the carnival dimmed, letting in the sound of Muskaan's excited giggles and the crinkle of paper from the rolled-up bag of popcorn she held tight in one small fist. We shared a grin as she kicked her feet out at the open air. I loved this moment, I lived for it right then-when we reached the pinnacle of the rotation as the carriage opposite us stopped to exchange passengers. I pulled in a deep, clean breath. For one moment everything seemed so clear, so full of potential. So reachable. I could do anything I put my mind to.

The wheel shuddered to life, pulling forward, and then down. As we sank toward the ground my mind returned to the moment I'd had with Kainaat right before I left home, the constant buzzing of my work phone in my pocket. As we descended I grew heavier, the fog of music and noise enveloping me, dropping me back into reality.

I stepped out and picked Muskaan in my arms and she wrapped hers around my neck.

"Did you enjoy it?"

She clapped her hands, "YES!"

I kissed her forehead as I reached the trio waiting for us. Fariyal stood beside Kainaat as they spoke in hushed whispers, a fast asleep Mehek in Kainaat's arms.

The sisters smiled as I approached them,

"What's up?"

I casually asked as Muskaan leapt out of my arms and ran to Fariyal, blabbering and saying something in her own language, probably exaggerating about the Ferris Wheel.

I turned to Kainaat.

The winds that flew by her were gentle, much more gentle than they were to everyone else. As if they knew one harsh flow and she would scatter down. Her eyes glistened when they met mine, and she tightened her arms around the baby, looking at me with an accusing determination. She was proving a point here, a point that I hadn't implied. Or in the heat of the moment, maybe what I said did imply that she didn't love our girls. Which was a huge, huge lie. There was no one else who loved them more than kainaat, not even me or Fariyal. No one could be a better mother to them than her.

I stepped ahead just in time for another gush of wind to sway her hijab, as if to warn her that I was stepping closer. Her curtain bangs accidentally escaped the clutch of the fabric and gently, like silk, fell out of her hijab.

I turned her towards me by her arm, placed both my palms on the side of her head and adjusted her hijab, pushing her hair back inside. All the while, her eyes scanned my face, as if to decipher the unsaid words between us. Seeing her so close after so long, I gently pressed my lips to her forehead, lingering there for a few seconds.

She did not move away, or push me away. I noticed Fariyal and Muskaan watching us, and gingerly stepped back, still holding her close.

She cleared her throat, and I noticed how her nose turned pink. I smirked,

"Let's go, shall we?"

And so we proceeded through stalls and games and the smell of popcorns. The turkish ice cream vender's bells ringed through the air, laughter and the sound of wrappers of chocolates echoing around us.

The pavement rough below us, the sky great above us. Something inside me kept softening with every glance I took her way, and I was afraid of giving in.

***

Two days later, things were slightly better. Kainaat was less cold towards me- outside our bedroom. Probably for Fariyal's sake.

Fariyal sat across us, a determined look on her face. I placed my cup of tea down and turned to her. I had to get to work in about an hour, and I knew with how they exchanged looks, Fariyal had something to say.

"So," she started, "I have applied to a few universities."

Kainaat beamed beside me, and I raised my eyebrows. That was quick. And it made me happy, so I asked,

"Did you get a response?"

Fariyal nodded, pressing her palms together, "Yes. But since this is in the middle of an academic year, and based on my previous merits, a few responded back. They didn't deny right away, but since my final year's results were a bit low because of..." she trailed off, and I nodded. Because of her pregnancy with Muskaan, Fariyal had been under immense emotional and physical stress and ended up passing the degree with all due luck.

"Well, some of them have asked me to do a crash course to prove my merit, which can be done from anywhere, and along with that, I have to submit a pre-application request to an Italian embassy or consulate from back home, and then a GRE exam and after that, they will actually consider me."

She waited for us to respond, and I let out a deep breath,

"You mean, you'll have to wait till next year?"

She nodded, "One more problem, we'll have to convince mom dad."

I waved a hand about before Kainaat could answer, "That's not a problem, we're anyway here. Don't worry bout them, me and Khalifa will handle it all. I'm sure your brother will support you."

Kainaat agreed, "Yes, bhai sure will."

Fariyal pursed her lips, "Okay, then," she let out a breath, "I think I should head back home."

Kainaat almost jumped, "WHY?"

Fariyal laughed, 'To prepare, silly. I can't stay here for so long. And if I am to get back here for two years, I think it's only fair if I leave now."

Kainaat fell silent, and I cleared my throat, "Are you sure?"

Fariyal nodded back in response.

It was then decided that Fariyal would leave the next day, insisting on it, going away just as suddenly as she had decided to come.

That night as we reached back home after dropping Fariyal, and both the girls were fast asleep, I turned to a seemingly asleep Kainaat beside me. I placed an arm around her waist and pulled her towards me until her back hit my chest and she squirmed under me. I rested my chin at the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent.

"Zaid," She finally let out.

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong with us?"

I sighed and let her turn to me, her face now in my view. As tears glistened in her eyes and she cupped my face in her soft palms, I felt everything within me die of guilt and melt away.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, and I shook my head, pulling her closer until there was no gap left between us. I didn't know what caused the change in both of us, but whatever it was, I was beyond grateful for it.

A few minutes later, I pushed the hair out of her face and kissed her forehead,

"If you desire this so much, then I am ready to do it."

She looked at me with hopeful eyes and for her sake, I truly prayed I wasn't making a mistake.

"But I swear, Kainaat," I completed my sentence, "one small, slightest risk to you, and we will never again talk about it. Ever"

I saw her eyes darken and panic a bit at my words, but she nodded against my forehead and kissed my hand, and my heart was anywhere except with me.