End of April 2020

Madiha

"On a bridge...",

I could never forget the agony with which Omar had said those words. My alarm had just gone off for the morning prayers, but I wasn't completely awake when Omar had called. I had jumped out of bed, and was already out of my door by the time he gave me his exact location.

Now, I shuddered to think just how dark his thoughts had gotten and what may have happened if I hadn't moved into an apartment closer to downtown or hadn't decided to keep our family car that day and had to rely on the highly delayed public transport system.

Things happen for a reason, I guess...

Since that morning on the bridge though, I had felt lighter. Like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. Because I too hadn't stopped wondering if I had pushed Omar too far. Or if I had lost him because I had stubbornly refused to talk to my own parents about us.

That day it had also dawned on me just how lonely he was. I at least had my parents and siblings to talk to, even though I wasn't living with them. And I had been in the residency program longer so had some colleagues that I could call friends, like Kylie. He, on the other hand, only had his sister who lived in another State, and his only friends were Noor and Salman, a married couple with a baby and no extra time on their hands.

So, I had started to make it a point to check in with him at the end of each day. We were both usually too tired to talk for long, and sometimes we would just text, but it was nice to be able to discuss the day's insanity with him. On the couple of days we had off we had also managed to watch a movie together on zoom. It was a far less than an ideal situation, but it felt comfortable...like old friends.

Tonight, though he was working an overnight shift in the newly opened field hospital in Chicago. The bed capacity in Chicago area hospitals was in the negative percent now (more estimated patients than available beds) so like in New York, the Illinois National Guard had also been called in to set up extra bed space.

Trainee residents across the city were already working overtime, so we were only allocated a few hours each week to work there. Despite the exhaustion, the residents were somehow still managing to fill up all the spots. Everytime I tried to sign up for one of the shifts, they would already be filled.

I wonder which residents keep signing up...

When I took charge of scheduling the resident and intern hospital shifts, I had not realized how much work it would be. It was almost 9 pm and I was still sitting in our chief resident's office trying to figure how best to make sure that the tougher weeks in the COVID units were evenly divided and that no one went over the 80 hrs per week rule.

No one else was in the residency office at that time so I was startled when I heard footsteps running down the hallway, and a sharp knock on the door.

Who is that? This should be a secure place...

Before I could get too worried, Dr Kumar, our residency program director, stuck his head into the office, and in a breathless voice said, "Oh good. Madi, you're still here. I need you to come with me quickly..."

And then he ran back out again.

What in the world is going on?

I grabbed my purse and shoved my laptop into it before running out of the office as well and followed his footsteps. He and a couple of other senior administrators, and the Chairman of Pediatrics were gathered near the elevators, talking in hushed tones.

"Looks like Southern Michigan Hospital didn't need that shipment of gloves and gowns so they rejected it in favor of the masks. We have plenty of masks, but only have enough gloves and gowns to last the hospital 3 more days", one of the administrators said.

"I just spoke to the company representative and they are willing to meet us somewhere along the I-90 highway to make a deal. If they agree, that stuff is ours...", the second administrator chimed in.

The Chairman of Pediatrics, who was a formidable character usually, was now standing there in a pair of old, worn out jeans and Nike sweatshirt. He looked like he had rolled out of bed and rushed here.

Will someone tell me something?

"Ok, great...so then Dr Kumar and Dr Ahmed, you two go and meet the other company that has left over supplies for the COVID testing kits. I believe they are on their way to Iowa, so it would be great if we could intercept them and see if they would sell us the test kits. And I'll be in my office trying to talk to both companies so they don't bypass us"

Everyone nodded and it seemed like we had some sort of a game plan. Everyone except me, that is...because I had no idea what was going on. It sounded like we were making drug deals, except we were a freaking hospital.

Finally, the Chairman looked straight at me and frowned, and through clenched teeth said, "Young lady, welcome to the world of medical supplies covert operations. This is what we have to do to keep you guys safe...all because our fucking government doesn't believe we are in the middle of a fucking pandemic!"

That...was intense!

He then stormed off, into the dark hallway towards his office, leaving me to stare at Dr Kumar hoping he would give me more of an explanation.

"Madi...I was hoping you would come with me and we can take the hospital's van to see if we can get a hold of these test kits. They are in severe short supply right now. I'll need an extra set of hands to go through the kits to make sure they are not missing any components"

"Sure...I can do that", we started walking quickly towards the back of the hospital where the service vans were parked, but I had to ask him, "Dr Kumar...you'll have to give me a little more detail about what it is that we are doing exactly"

During our ride to somewhere in the middle of rural Illinois, he explained how the government had left individual States, cities and hospitals to arrange for their own protective gear, hospital equipment such as ventilators, and COVID testing kits. Instead of there being a centralized, coordinated effort to manage these essential supplies, individual entities were having to make deals directly with the companies themselves.

"That sound like the worst possible way to handle a pandemic"

"Exactly, and it's not just that", Dr Kumar went on to explain, "These companies are free to price gouge whenever they want. The supply chains are so fragile right now that you never know when the next shipment of essential goods will come so we pay whatever they ask, and buy the supplies whenever we can...including in the middle of the night on the side of a highway"

"Kind of sounds like hunger games!"

That made Dr Kumar laugh, and we chatted a bit more about my new position as the chief resident and my future career plans. Plans, that I wasn't entirely sure about because so much would depend on what Omar wanted to do after residency. I didn't tell him about Omar, but it made me realize that for the first time in my adult life I was thinking about someone else's career along with my own.

I broke off my engagement with Jawad because he had insisted on putting his career first, and here I was willingly putting my own plans on hold till someone else figured out theirs. Ironically, unlike with Jawad, I wasn't even sure if I would be able to spend the rest of my life with Omar.

This is what true love must be, a willingness to give up a part of yourself for a more wholesome future with someone else. An eagerness to be interdependent rather than independent.

"What? Are you sure about that?", Dr Kumar's panic stricken voice brought me back to reality.

He turned towards me and said, "The truck bringing the COVID kits stopped for the night in Indiana, because the driver had been driving for 18 hours straight. We could leave it till the morning, but looks like there is another buyer in the area so we may not have anything left for the morning. Are you up for another hour drive into Indiana?"

I nodded and we took off again. I took my phone out and opened up my text messages app.

Omar is never going to believe what I am doing right now...

"Why are you looking at Madi's schedule?", a familiar, but unexpected, male voice called out to me.

I turned to look at the person behind that voice, and sure enough Salman was standing there in full protective gear, with only his eyes visible through the plastic goggles.

"None of your business!", I would have stuck my tongue out at him but like him I too was in full protective gear including an N95 mask.

"What are you doing here anyway? The average age of these patients is several decades more than what you are used to"

"Emergency declaration by the medical licences department allows pediatricians to take care of adults too. Besides our children's hospital donated several ventilators to this field hospital, so I decided to come along"

I didn't think I could ever trust a pediatrician to take care of a 70 year old patient, anymore than I would trust myself to take care of a 2 year old patient, but these were unprecedented times.

"Aah...that explains why my patient's ventilator had teddy bear and giraffe stickers on it", I told him as he took a seat next to me.

It was almost funny how those colorful stickers stood out in stark contrast to the dull drab of the rest of this field hospital that had been set up to take care of the COVID patients overflowing from all the Chicago city hospitals. Children were not as affected, yet, so the pediatric hospitals' resources and personnel were being redirected to adults.

"Nothing wrong with a little bit of pediatric cheer in this place...but back to you", Salman peered over my shoulder, "Are you signing up for shifts in this field hospital so that Madi can't"

How does he know that?

I was trying to keep Madi out of this place by signing up for the shifts when she was available, so that all the resident slots would be booked. Not only was it insanely busy, this was my first half hour break after 6 hours of being on my feet, but there was also a severe lack of personal protective equipment. We were asked to wear the same protective gear for all our patients since everyone was COVID positive. But that just increased the risk of contaminating ourselves.

And given my nightmares of her getting sick, call me unscientific, I was going to try my best to keep her out of here. Without letting her know of course, otherwise she would get quite upset.

"Good man", Salman patted me on the back, "I would have done the same for Noor"

"Thank you for your approval", I rolled my eyes at him, in a friendly banter way.

"When are you two getting married? I was expecting a wedding invitation the day after you ran out of our house"

That day, was almost three months ago.

Ironically, he was the only male friend I was comfortable enough talking about this with. So, I told him a brief version of my family and Madi's reluctance to tell her own parents. He shook his head every few seconds, and when I finished said, "And I thought my parents were bad...sorry man, sounds like an impossible situation. Do you want me to ask Noor to talk to your parents? You guys grew up together, didn't you?"

"That's a nice offer, but my mom is pretty pissed at Noor...so not sure that would help"

"Oh right! I forgot about your history with her...", Salman said.

That should sound improbable, but to be honest I had forgotten that part of my life as well. All those memories of feeling betrayed and yearning for someone who I couldn't have, were all gone. Now all I thought about was Madi...and figuring out how to convince our parents to let us get married.

"I'll figure something out...speaking of Noor. How are Ayah and her doing?"

Salman went on to tell their frustrated tale of trying to take care of a baby and working at the same time. The pediatric population may not have been affected in terms of infections, but this pandemic had essentially halted their lives.

"All the daycares are closed, a nanny would be another non-essential person in the house and we did not want to deal with the added risk of getting COVID. So, we are just taking care of Ayah ourselves. There are days that one of us is literally doing telemedicine clinic while bouncing her on our lap. Luckily, most of the parents are ok with that, though someone complained about Noor the other day which made quite upset. So, in summary we are barely keeping our shit together!"

That sounded bad, but before I could commiserate I noticed that my phone had several messages on it from Madi. It was on silent and I had just taken it out of my pocket.

"What the heck?", I said out loud as I started reading her messages and showed them to Salman as well.

[10:30 pm] You won't believe what I am doing right now. Dr Kumar and I are chasing down a truck with COVID supplies.

[11:00 pm] Almost near near the Illinois border. Making a quick stop for coffee.

[11:20 pm] We just heard that the other interested party is also heading towards the same truck with COVID supplies.

[11:30 pm] Damn...I had no idea Dr Kumar could swear like that or drive that fast. It's like a crossover episode of Hunger Games and Fast and Furious.

[11:42 pm] We are at the gas station where the truck was supposed to be, but there is no truck here.

[11:53 pm] Company says that driver was hungry. COVID supplies in an 18-wheeler, are currently in a MacDonald's parking lot somewhere in Indiana

[11:55 pm] Found MacDonald's, heading there now

[11:59 pm] Oh shoot...there is another van behind us, marked Indiana State Hospital. Dr Kumar is gunning it...

And that was the last of the messages.

I looked at my watch, it was 12:10 am.

"Call her...the suspense is killing me...did they get the COVID supplies?", Salman asked, excitedly.

So I did call her, "Madi, what happened? Are you ok?"

"Yes...yes...I am fine. On an adrenal high, but I am fine. Its crazy out here Omar, we managed to make payment and check about half the kits before the other team arrived. They had literally no kits at all, and served one of the poorest cities in Indiana so we left the other half of the kits for them...listen, I gotta go. Stay safe!"

"You too...", I said quickly but she had already hung up.

"Is this for real?", I asked Salman, "This is our healthcare system? Chasing 18-wheelers across state lines in the middle of the night?"

"It is.., and it is so messed up. I read about similar things in New York and California. It's like a disaster preparedness plan doesn't even exist at the highest levels of the government"

Wow!

Suddenly, my own problems seemed so small in comparison to everything going on around me. Like Madi had said, at least we had each other, and our health, jobs and a place to live in.

May God help everyone through these difficult times.

Including my parents...I reluctantly added.

I hadn't told Madi this yet, because I didn't want to give her false hope. My sister had messaged me earlier that day. Mom had asked her to tell me to stay safe and not work too hard. She hadn't bothered calling me herself. I was still persona non grata. But then again, before today she hadn't bothered saying anything to Sehr either. Maybe this was a good sign, or maybe it was just a flicker of maternal warmth through a thick blinding layer of hatred.

If only I could fly back home and meet them face-to-face...

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https://www.cbsnews.com/chicago/news/illinois-comptrollers-office-finds-itself-paying-3-5-million-for-ppe-in-mcdonalds-parking-lot-during-coronavirus-crisis/