Early June 2020

Omar

My news feed for the day only had one story on it. A few days ago there had been yet another episode of police brutality against an African-American, except that this time it was caught on video and was shared widely. The anger and resentment from these repeated episodes was pouring out onto the streets across the country. I was sure that the frustration from the pandemic had not helped calm down the situation, neither did the heavy handedness of the police when dealing with these protests.

It was only 8 pm and I was sprawled on my sofa scrolling through my phone, when Madi's text message came through.

'Did you know we are working in the ER together tomorrow morning? Lisa had to go out of town, so I am covering for her'

I did not know that, and hadn't been expecting it either, but it made me grin anyway.

Thank you, Lisa!!

I loved Madi and all that, but she was also so much fun to work with. There were no senior resident personality issues, or having to deal with bloated egos, or worse, incompetency. There was just good old hardwork and exceptional learning.

'I did not, but now I won't be able to think of anything else! So, thanks for ruining my night 😛'

I love teasing her!

There were still a couple of hours before I went to bed and I hadn't done any of the non-medical work I had planned to do that evening. COVID or not, bills still need to be paid and the trash wasn't going to throw itself out. So begrudgingly, I got off the sofa and started to clean up the kitchen. My phone buzzed again which made me smile, because I knew Madi would have sent a witty comeback to my last text, instead it was a text from an unknown number.

'Asslama Alaikum Dr Khan. This is Dr Madiha Ahmed's father, Can you please call when you are free'

I nearly dropped the glass of water I was holding. I had been waiting to hear from Madi's dad for what felt like months but was really just about 10 days. When Madi had tried to ask him why he hadn't reached out to me yet, he had simply said, "I am not ruining your life by rushing this"

Honestly, I could respect that. And I told Madi as such. If he was outrightly against our marriage, he would have said no already, especially after what he told Madi when she had gone over to discuss our 'situation'.

Well, it looks like he was done thinking

I said a small prayer, and then nervously dialled the number from which that text was sent. Madi's father, Uncle Ahmed, picked up almost immediately.

"Hello..."

"Ji...Assalumu Alaikum Uncle. This is Omar", I greeted him, trying to be as polite as possible. The bachelor life can sometimes make you forget how to talk to normal people, especially the elderly.

"Walaikum Assalam", he replied in an even, confident voice. It was easy to see where Madi got that character trait from.

Without wasting any time, he dove right into the reason for his call, "Thank you for calling. Madiha told me about you and her, and ke aap dono shaadi karna chahtai hain, leikin aapke parents is ke khilaaf hain (that you both want to get married, but your parents are against it)"

I took a quick sip of water to relieve the sudden dryness in my throat, but still stumbled across my reply, "Uhh, ji Uncle..., your daughter is MashaAllah exceptional and...umm, nothing would make me happier than to marry her"

"Ok...before I say anything else, let me say this...I have no doubt that you are a decent man. I know my daughter, she would not have wanted to get married to you otherwise"

That's a good start, though it felt like there would be a big 'BUT...' coming soon.

'But Madiha is also young..."

She is 27 years old...she is not a kid.

Madi's father continued, "And she can be so stubborn. When she decides on something she refuses to see any alternative to it. As her father, it is my duty to think about her future and the problems she may face, not just her present"

Madi was stubborn...but she was also stubbornly mine!

"Uncle, if I may say something as well...I first want to apologize for the way my family has behaved. Believe me, I had no hand in it at all, in fact I didn't even know that they had hired someone till I tried to have them bring a proposal to you. Please, just know that I have the utmost respect for your daughter and your entire family"

He immediately snapped at me, "But your family has no respect for Madiha, and nothing will change that. She has achieved everything she set out to achieve MashaAllah, and if your family still has an objection to her and to us...they will never come around. I don't even care about myself, but I will never let her be disrespected"

I swallowed some more water, everything Madi's dad said was likely true. But I am was not my parents.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to reassure him, "Uncle, aap mujhe pe bharosa karein (Uncle, please trust me), I will never let her get disrespected either. And I can provide everything your daughter needs...she will never even have to meet my parents. Honestly, after what they did I don't have much of a relationship with them either..."

"Beta (Son), that is easier said than done", his voice softened just a bit,"I have strived to make sure that my daughters have the education and means to provide for themselves, so it is not the financial provisions I am worried about. But you can't manufacture a dada and dadi (paternal grandparents) for your children, or a welcoming home for my daughter if you were to ever go back to Pakistan"

"We won't go back to Pakistan...", that was an easy fix.

But Madi's father was not in the mood to budge, "What happens if one of your parents get sick, or your father's business needs to be taken care of. Are you going to let your sister or mother deal with all of it? Tum aklotay betay ho (You're the only son)...and I know that Madi will never come in your way, even if it means having to listen to taunts from your parents"

I hadn't really thought about that. My father was not going to be there forever, as much as I hated the family business someone would have to attend to it briefly even if to sell it off.

"Meinay kaafi zindagi guzaar li hai, aur tum dono se zyada experience hai mujhe (I have spent quite a lot of my life, and have more experience than both of you)", he continued to speak, without giving me a chance to reply, "Believe me, romance between a couple only lasts so long...eventually, 5, 10 years down the line you need family around you. And children need their grandparents"

"They'll have you and aunty...", I tried to reason with him. I knew Madi would never give up her parents, and I didn't expect her to.

But then he interrupted me and said something, that immediately made my heart sink.

"If she marries Faraz, she'll have both sides of the family. And she will have the support and respect of her in-laws like she deserves. She will never have to wonder if she is good enough, or suffer from low self-esteem. Faraz's parents live with Maliha in the same house and treat her like their own daughter. MashaAllah, mein ne Maliha ko pehlay kabi itna khush nahi dekha...(I have never seen Maliha this happy before). And that is what Madiha deserves as well"

"Uncle...", I barely got a word out before he interrupted me again.

"I know what you are going to say. Madiha, uss se shaadi nahi karna chahti (Madiha doesn't want to get married to him). I understand that, but I have to be honest with you I would rather that she be safe and respected, even if it hurts her in the short-term. Aik baap ki nazar se, aur bohat dua mangne ke bawajood, mera dil tumhari aur Madiha ki shaadi per nahi maan raha hai iss waqt (from a father's perspective, and despite praying a lot, my heart is not convinced about your and Madiha's marriage, at this time)"

This was it...the last insurmountable obstacle. The last thread of hope. Did that just break off too?

But while I was still trying to swallow the baseball size lump in my throat and hold back my anger, he went on to say, "I am not going to tell you what to do now, but I request that you take a moment and think about Madiha's long-term comfort and happiness. If you care about her, like you claim, you'll do what is right for her and not for you"

He didn't wait for me to say anything more, before mumbling 'Allah Hafiz' and hanging up. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut so hard, that I was about throw up. I placed a hand on the kitchen counter to steady myself, and tried to take a deep breath, except there was no air left in my lungs.

There was nowhere to go from here.

In a moment of utter desperation and rage, I picked up my glass of water and threw it across the room, shattering it loudly. I heard Madi's father's voice in my head again, as I stumbled back to the sofa.

'Do what is right for her, and not for you'

I would give up my life for her, but the question was would she really be happier with someone else, like Faraz and his angelic family without all the drama that would come with her getting married to me. Even if I broke off ties with my own parents, I could never give up my relationship with my sister. And through her I would be forever bound to my parents as well.

Madi's despondent face, when she talked about how the world had treated her because of the color of her skin, flashed before my eyes. Then I remembered how my mom was worried about us ruining the lives of our kids because Madi was darker skinned.

And that had only been the start of their objections, which I was sure would only grow with time. Maybe Madi's father was right, my family was a ticking time bomb for her. And she deserved so much more.

Yes, she loved me, and wanted to marry me. But how long would those feelings last for, once she got married to Faraz and realized that she was much better off than she ever could be with me.

Somewhere between me trying to breathe, and replaying the words of Madi's father in my head, I must have fallen asleep on my sofa. Because the next thing I knew, my 6 am alarm was going off, and sunlight was streaming in through the windows. The light scattered off the shattered glass on the floor, instantly reminding me of what had happened last evening.

It took me another half an hour to drag myself off the sofa and splash some water on my face. I cleaned up the broken glass and then got into the shower. If the water hadn't started to run cold, I would probably have stayed in there forever. Or at least long enough for me to be too late to my ER shift, with Madi, forcing the backup on-call person to be called in.

But that would only be a temporary delaying of the inevitable. I would have to tell Madi about my conversation with her father, and the faster I ripped that bandaid off the better it would be for both of us.

In that moment, I really wished I had decided to pursue surgery, at least that would have given me a good enough excuse to leave this institution and stay away from her. Which seemed to be our only option now.

At 8 am when I slowly walked through the doors of the ER, every step feeling like my feet were made of lead, Madi was already there. We were still in the midst of the COVID surge, so she was wearing her full protective gear. Yet, her eyes lit up when she saw me and she waved at me from across the room.

How am I supposed to tell her what her dad said? Though, ironically I should be a pro at breaking bad news to her by now...

I waved back at her, glad that the mask covered the dejected look on my face which I could not suppress. Then I walked away to put on my own protective gear but also to choose a workstation far away from her. I planned to come clean to her but after I got through this ER shift without getting distracted by her. Luckily, even though we were doing the same shift in the ER, she was assigned to the team that was working in the makeshift COVID ER in the parking garage, while I was working with the team that dealt with patients who had symptoms other than those associated with COVID.

Still, that didn't stop her from leaning in and whispering to me, "I'll see you after the shift is over", as she walked past me on her way out of the building.

Yes, you will...unfortunately

Most of the rest of my shift was spent suturing and bandaging people who had been at the overnight protests that had broken out against police brutality. Dealing with others who had problems way bigger than my own, helped me forget the gut-wrenching feeling inside me for a little while.

Given Chicago's own problems with a over-policing and racist policies, I wasn't surprised that the protests triggered by the death of one man in another state, had spread to this city as well. It almost felt like a there was movement sweeping across the nation. Including within healthcare systems, that were finally realizing how their policies and practices discriminated against those in the minority.

"My heart goes out to all these people, but I wish they would stay peaceful. Even we had a kneel-down demonstration against racism outside the hospital. But everyone remained calm", my attending said, as he examined the arm of a patient I had just sutured.

The patient immediately replied in a polite but firm voice, "Doc, I don't think you realize what a privileged statement that is. Staying calm is not easy when there is literally, and figuratively, a gun being held to your head all the time"

"People like me...", he pointed to his dark skin, and then at my attending's light skin, "Are sick and tired of the token gestures by people like you. What good is kneeling when you will get right back up and not change a thing, because any change in status quo is an inconvenience for you?"

My attending didn't have anything to say to him, so he awkwardly switched topics and just told him how to take care of his bandaged arm before stepping out of the room. I on the other hand, couldn't agree more with my patient, which is something I told him as well after the attending left.

"Yeah man...you should see how they keep closing all the hospitals on the south side of Chicago, even in the middle of a pandemic", he told me.

The south side of Chicago had primarily lower income minority families that did not have insurance and the main hospital serving that area had decided to shut down recently because the multi-billion dollar company that owned it felt that it wasn't making enough money to sustain itself.

I am sure Madi...would have a lot to say about that

For a second I smiled at myself thinking of her, but then remembered the heartbreaking conversation I needed to have with her in just a couple of hours after our shifts ended.

And, sure enough at exactly 4 pm, when our shift ended, Madi was standing next to me as I put in the last of the patient orders and signed out my patients to the next intern. She had changed out of the gown and goggles etc, and was only in her scrubs and a regular surgical mask. But her eyes still lit up like they had that morning, and she said, "Let's go..."

"Movie night or taco night?", she asked excitedly as we finally walked out of the main entrance of the hospital and were able to take our masks off.

The N95 she had worn for 8 hours straight had left its mark on her otherwise flawless skin, but she still looked so pretty with her curls softly blowing around her face in the gentle breeze.

Rip the bandaid off...

"Madi, there is something I need to tell you...", I started saying.

Her beautiful smile instantly disappeared, and her hands flew to her face and covered her mouth as she took a couple of steps away from me.

"Oh no...", her eyes widened, "Papa called...didn't he?"

I don't know how she guessed that, but I nodded, and said, "Let's sit down somewhere, Madi"

"No...", she said emphatically, her eyes already starting to brim with tears, "Tell me now what he said, and don't you dare hide anything from me"

"OK...well, he...umm...he thinks that you would be a lot happier and safer in the long term if you married Faraz", she was looking at me with a shocked expression, so I decided to just tell her everything. She might as well, get shocked all at once.

"He thinks that if we get married, you may be happy for now, but eventually I would need to be in touch with my parents. And their behaviour may end up being too distressing for you, and he would never want you to compromise your self-worth"

She still hadn't said anything, so I continued, "And...uh...he said that he had never seen Maliha as happy and content as she is after getting married and going into a family that values her, and he wants the same for you. But clearly, my family or I won't be the ones to provide you with any of that"

I took a deep breath and got to what at the time had seemed like his final decision, "Which is why he was not convinced that we should get married"

Madi was standing still, but I walked over to a nearby bench to sit down and closed my eyes. I didn't have it in me to watch Madi go through the pain of knowing that her father had completely disregarded her wishes. As much as I wanted to comfort her, I felt completely numb myself. Numb and tired, and hopeless.

A couple of minutes later she came to sit next to me.

"And what do you think?", she asked, without looking at me.

I thought that I had lost, I had loved her and lost and now I was left with nothing but shattered pieces of my heart...yet again. But that is not what I told her, because she still had a life ahead of her and parents, that in their own way cared for her.

"I think you should seriously think about Faraz's proposal...your dad may be right about you and him, I could never guarantee the kind of life your sister has", I didn't try to meet her gaze, but could tell she was staring at me with her mouth wide open.

"You're kidding...right? After, telling me repeatedly that you love me, and that we can't give up, you have the audacity to sit here and casually tell me that I should think about Faraz's proposal. What is wrong with you?", she raised her voice, even though it cracked as she tried to hold back her tears.

I did look at her then and saw her hugging herself as her tears flowed freely down her cheeks, for the hundredth time since she had met me.

"Madi, please don't cry", I reached out to touch her arm but she shoved me away aggressively.

I hesitated but then said out loud what had been on my mind since last night, "Marrying someone you love should not be this hard. And the fact that it is, makes me think maybe other people are right...maybe they are seeing something that we are not. I am just tired now, how long are we supposed to keep fighting?"

Whatever I said, seemed to snap something in her and she got up and stood in front of me with such fury in her eyes, I instinctively leaned back to increase the distance between us.

"What about what I want?", she said in firm, irate voice, "Why doesn't my voice count? All of you men...Faraz, my dad and now you, all of you are making decisions for me, as if I am some weak and helpless woman. Stop, telling me what is right for me and what is not! I can handle myself, and any crap that is thrown at me..."