I was with the first wave of departures, a part of me recognising Lord Shingen was trying to protect me as much as he could.

There was a 'Victory is Certain' round of sake in the warm dry air, which already heralded another dusty baking day, and before long we were moving out in stages to the sounds of hearty songs and love for the Takeda Clan.

From my position, Shingen was way ahead, a small image at the lead, despite his stature. Lord Yukimura was just a flash of red, and my eyes refused to concentrate on the figure riding at his side. I soon lost myself to the camaraderie around me, as war stories and songs of glory took us ever closer to the front line camp.

By mid-morning I was starting to literally bake in my armour, never has water tasted so sweet, so delicious to me - I will never look at a bottle of mineral water in quite the same way ever again. We made the camp by early evening and I was looked after very well by the rest of the troop, they seemed to have no qualms about my presence, reminding me with dusty grins I had earnt my place fairly amongst them. They were even kind inasmuch this was my first battle, sparing me a lot of the gorey details of their stories.

To be honest it was like sitting on a new fairground ride, heading towards something with no idea what it would actually be like. I replayed movies in my head, but knew actually being surrounded by it would be so different. I had no idea how I would react when it came to facing it. My troop commander bade me goodnight, he had kept me from any duty to allow me to rest, a concession that was not lost on me. I went to check on Jin one last time, and then sought the solace of my rough bedding, hoping to get some sleep.

It didn't seem a second later that a rough hand roused me and I went to fight it off.

"Lady Tamara!" The command at least forced my eyes open. "Lord Shingen requires you immediately, come with me."

"What now for fuck's sake?" I heard myself groan, sleep was beckoning me back, I snuggled back down, it was lovely.

"YOUR LORD COMMANDS YOUR PRESENCE...

"

Well, being slapped back to consciousness with that method I had no choice but to obey, not with good grace however, and a large part of me was still longing for sleep.

I followed the retainer through the camp, almost sleepwalking, but when I was ushered into the command tent, the presence of Lord Shingen, four generals, including Yukimura's father, Masayuki, Yukimura and Saizo, it was like ice cold water on my face.

I bowed deeply trying to gather my wits.

"You sent for me My Lord?" Strange how my half asleep side seemed to have better manners, I noted, Lord Shingen had a map before him, and beckoned me over.

"You recognise this terrain, this troop placement?" He asked without looking up. I did, from all the meetings and listening and studying, it was perfectly clear.

"Yes." I said, giving it a glance, "There are several outcrops down this slope here ..." I pointed to the map, "... perfect for concealing small attack forces. The way the ground folds here ..." I pointed again, "...It would be possible to mount an attack if they over extended their front line along the ridge here..." I traced the path with my finger, "... The attack would rise up behind them faster than they could retreat."

Lord Shingen was just staring at me, not the map.

"You see Yukimura?" I told you she was a clever girl." He never took his eyes off me, but I still kept my focus on the map.

"You would need infantry ready here..." I pointed again and he turned to follow the line of my finger, "...to push the front line back, it might not win the battle, but it would cost them dearly."

I surprised myself at my even tone as I spoke.

"But the terrain off this slope ..." Yukimura stood up and moved his hand over my shoulder, "...You think it feasible?"

"For skilled riders, yes." I said, looking at where he was pointing. "You only have one problem I can see."

They all looked at me, I could even feel Saizo staring into my shoulder blades.

"There would be no time for messengers, it would have to be a snap decision without direct orders, and if there were no archers in their front line." I shrugged, "Battle is fluid, yes?"

Every man in the tent stared at me.

"What?" I said sharply, unsettled. Lord Shingen placed his hand on mine on the table and I turned to him confused.

"I'm sorry, have I said something wrong?"

He laughed easily and offered me a cup of sake. The small space seemed full of cheer, but I was still at a total loss, Shingen watched as I downed the cup.

"Lady Tamara, this decision is yours, if you see the opportunity, I want you to take it."

There was a sharp intake of breath around me.

"Milord!" Yukimura was the first to speak, "You can't be saying ..." Lord Shingen stood up abruptly, knocking his seat over backwards as he loomed over him, visibly bristling.

"You challenge me Lord Yukimura?"

"No milord." Yukimura immediately put his hands up, backing away.

"Then it is done." He turned to me, and in front of all those present, lightly traced my cheek with his hand. "Rest well Lady Tamara, bring us honour."

"Thank you, yes, Lord Shingen."

There were still a few raised eyebrows, but Lord Shingen beamed at me.

I left the tent thankfully able to completely obscure Saizo from my vision. There was a retainer waiting for me, but I brushed him off, the walk back by myself would help me clear my head. I still wasn't totally sure what had just transpired.

The night sky was clear and bright over me and the air still held the warmth of the day. Everywhere was parched; even my boots sent small flurries of dust before them as I walked back to my space. Despite everything, sleep still found me easily; I was so exhausted from the day.

Considering the hour, the great war machine that was the Takeda Clan had its own established internal clock and I woke to sounds of preparation and the smell of food. Nerves of any sort seemed to be absent against the grumbling of my stomach, and after checking on Jin, I followed the aroma, picking my way through what felt like a sea of men.

I could hear from their conversations that many were decidedly against the idea of me being there, having no place in battle. I set my jaw and diligently ignored them on my way to find the food.

I can only describe it as a stew, soup like porridge - woefully inadequate, sorry - hearty and filling, yet not so heavy it would slow you down. There was enough of that bitter aftertaste to make me recognise restorative was in there, and made a mental note to get the recipe.

Just as I was lost in thought, the call came to mount up, sharply jolting me back.

This was happening.

These were real people about to go to battle for their love of the clan and their Lord.

A shout came for me across the field and I saw I was still staring at my bowl.

So this was it.

It was really going to happen.

I walked towards the day with silence in my mind.

The troop I was with started with the battle faint in our ears and the baking heat of the day made the air shimmer around us. There were five troops hidden and several more on the slope opposite us, lying in wait for the lines to get to us.

One hour, two hours, three hours, despite being brought refreshments I was cooking, and it was getting increasingly difficult to stay alert in the heat.

The headband Lord Yukimura had given me was soaked with sweat and beginning to make my head thump, so I swiped it backwards from my brow, delighting in the brief cool it brought to my face. I wrapped it around my waist and shut my eyes against the glare.

The flies were merciless, drawn to the sweat and horse flesh as the day wore on and on. I must admit to dozing off, because I jumped awake when a shout went up next to me and my troop commander pointed at the sky. Bright red then white-tailed arrows coursed above me, signaling us to readiness.

I couldn't believe how quickly and how fiercely the battle came when it did.

It erupted over the top of the slope above us and came around the slope on our right as well. All around me shifted up a gear, but I was lost as if watching some horrible live action theatre.

Whatever I thought it would be like was pale in comparison to the bloody carnage rolling towards me.

Shock and fear totally immobilized me; I saw sprays of blood, heard the cries of men and horses, heard and felt the ground shake as the two fronts closed on our position. I was totally frozen senseless.

My troop commander roared at me, and I snapped back into focus. Jin shuffled underneath me, picking up the energy of the battle.

I'm not sure looking back now writing this what exactly changed in me or how it did; my mind was so broken and twisted at the time. But that shout brought with it a calm, almost detached sensation and I began to see how the lines were moving towards us.

The descent from the slope above was being held easily, the other front however seemed relentless in its progress. The sheer weight of numbers was pushing our troops back towards where we had camped.

It was odd, I could see the lines moving more as a fluid single entity rather than individuals, but I still recoiled in horror as one spear troop was mercilessly cut down as they attacked too deeply into enemy lines.

Then I saw it - the front line shifted to a flatter area, leaving a sharp dip behind it, perfect for an attack if one was quick enough.

Don't ask me why I did it, at the time I just reacted, who knows where it came from in me, but it did.

'RIDE!!' I shouted and kicked Jin over the edge of the slope.

Several retainers immediately followed without question, they were so primed to respond to an order.

The horses scrabbled, slipped and several fell as we careered down the slope, I hugged the base of it, knowing the crease in the landscape would give us cover.

I looked quickly to my left and right; most of the troop, including my now furiously red commander was with me. The horses drew together as we raced up at gallop towards the crest of the rise.

I took two men with my first lance run, saw their faces twist with agony and felt the ribs of one catch on my blade as I pulled it free. I can't say I felt shock or horror, only a quick wave of nausea as their blood showered across me.

Because of my hesitation I wasn't ready for the next target, he was a hulk of a man and he grabbed the lance as I struck him, looking to pull me from my horse. I used all the force I had as Jin railed against the bridle to pin him into the baked hard ground, feeling his spine break through the wood. With a final spew of blood he fell sideways, but I had to let the lance go and drawing my katana, looked ahead and picked up speed again.

Faces.

Screams.

Weapons.

Noise.

Blood.

Jin slipped for a second as I saw my blade remove an arm; it spun into the air away from its owner.

I sent the blade on instinct; there was what seemed a long moment that I stared at an ear sitting in the red along its edge. Full pelt and almost to the top of the rise, Jin's front legs suddenly were taken from him, the force of it sending me flying over his head and tearing the cloak from my back.

I'd like to say it was some gymnastic prowess on my part, but the sheer velocity and angle landed me neatly on my feet, even though I skidded a bit.

I was disorientated for a second, there was so much blood on the dry ground it was difficult to stay upright. I took a couple of fierce swings and as our own front line pushed forwards past me, and I found myself alone, breathing hard in relative quiet.

Just as I started to feel dizzy, I saw a rider swoop towards me, a hand extended and without thinking I grabbed it and was pulled onto the front of a saddle.

In the next instant I recognised the hand and sharply turned my blood-spattered face to the rider - it was Saizo. Before he could turn his horse, I threw myself back onto the ground and staggered a little, trying to get my breath.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!" I shouted whilst desperately looking around for Jin.

The front line behind me buckled and I ran ahead of it, jumping bodies in the dirt, then I saw him, Jin was fine, despite the somersault he did. I vaulted back on and wheeled to join the front line, when Saizo rode in fast and grabbed the reins.

Without hesitation I leant forwards and swiftly cut the bridle and reins free from the other side, whilst screaming

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!!"

Bridleless, we surged forwards again.

Then I felt Jin buckle and fall sideways, landing heavily in a mix of guts and dust. My left leg was trapped under him as he struggled to get up and I saw that Saizo had actually rammed us to the ground.

He dismounted in a blur and was pulling me free before my wits could follow him. I spun on him, my blade drawn high as my feet felt secure again. In a flash of metal he had drawn both his blades and flat stared me.

"Bit noisy here to play isn't it little lady?"

In that moment all I felt was fury. I took a low swipe and spun out of his way. He seemed surprised at my speed, his eyes glittered for just a millisecond, then that damn ninja trick of his put him behind me. He grabbed me and took my knees out from under me in a heartbeat. Both his blades were around me, and he put one to my throat.

"Do you to die?" His breath was in my ear, so cold and calm against my heaving chest.

"Yes." I said and moved my own neck towards his blade, feeling the cold metal begin to bite into my skin. He threw the blade down and grabbed my throat instead; I could see my own blood seep between his fingers.

"Let me die Saizo."

"Please."

From the angle he was holding me, the small folded parchment I always carried chose that moment to fall from my clothing. He grabbed it in a blur.

"The woman, the one in the dark said it would bring me to her. I've never been able to decipher it. " I said flatly, still gasping a little for air.

"That's because it's written for me." He said.

A crushing wave of exhaustion, of emotion, of everything pushed me further into the dirt. I had nothing left, no will, no presence.

I just sat there in his arms.

I felt the roll of hoof beats approaching us as the world came back, along with time and the situation and I raised my head just as Lord Shingen flew past us.

"Get her out of here!" He growled as he passed, and Saizo immediately lifted me to my feet. I was only dimly aware of what was happening around me. Saizo threw me onto Jin and gave me the reins of the broken bridle after slinging them around Jin's neck, and then we were galloping from the front.

I was blank.

I was lost.

The only sharp thing was the smell of blood on me, I was covered in it.

I thought we would be heading back to camp, but as the scenery changed around me and the sounds of battle softened and disappeared, I saw we were on a different path. We slowed and turned as a glittering small river neared the road.

Saizo dismounted and led the horses to drink, they were both eager to wash the smell of battle from their senses. It was so quiet after all the noise; I just sat there in the saddle, looking at Jin's neck as he sucked the water.

Randomly I ran my hand across my throat, the sting of Saizo's blade was still fresh and blood still wanted to flow from the cut. I looked at the blood across my hands, my own mixing with those I had struck or taken. I saw their faces, saw their pain, saw that ear stuck to my blade. The brown red rivulets and spatters had a pattern that occupied my gaze.

Suddenly I felt Saizo's hands grab me and pull me sideways so quickly I couldn't stop him. He threw me in the river and the cold shock of water going over my head forced me into action to find the surface. As I sputtered to get my breath, the memory of another river dunking replayed in my mind, as happy as I was then, now it just curled up what was left of my heart in my chest.

I heard a splash and saw Saizo dive into the river as well. The river was soothing, dissolving the marks of battle and I thought how wonderful it would be to surrender myself totally to its cool embrace.

I let myself sink, it wasn't too deep, and with my feet in silt the flowing water only just cleared my head. I reached up and set my hair free, paying no mind to the screaming of my lungs for air.

It was cool, it was quiet, I let the last of my air leave me and prepared to breathe in the water. I wanted it all to end, wanted to be forever in the quiet.

No more heart.

No more mind.

No more pain.

No more Tamara.

An arm around my waist pulled me upwards with force, back into the harshness of the sun.

I took a deep lungful of air automatically as I broke the surface, it would have looked quite elegant on film if I hadn't inhaled a river bug in the process.

I choked and coughed and spat it out and could feel Saizo trying not to laugh behind me. I took the opportunity to free myself from his grip and with a sad and thoroughly exasperated 'Oh for fuck's sake' headed back to the bank.

My boots tipped out a good part of the river and then I rinsed my katana, watching in silence as long red tendrils slowly left the blade. The scabbard poured red into the clear water for several rinses and I set them on the grass next to me and watched the horses graze.

In the heat of the afternoon I could feel my clothes drying quickly, only under my chest piece was damp and I lay on my stomach letting my hair dry in the sun, thinking dark miserable thoughts.

I didn't pay any attention to what Saizo was doing, I saw him rinse his blades, but I think the only blood on them was mine, and so closing my eyes against the glare I figured he would speak to me if he wanted to, I was perfectly content if he didn't.

If I had a heart left at all I would probably have run to him, but that was gone, firstly caged, then crushed and now dead within me.

"We have to leave or we won't arrive before dark."

Well, after all the silence that was cryptic. I sighed and hauled myself to my feet, resetting my katana and dusting off my knees.

Since my dozing, Saizo had fixed Jin's bridle and as he reluctantly gave up the grass he was eating, I noticed he had a few nicks here and there from the battle. I whispered my apologies to him as I stroked his solid neck, and he bent his head over my shoulders, wrapping me in horsiness. I hugged him close, and then giving him a rub near the withers, re-did the girth and mounted.

It was only then I became aware of Saizo staring at me. I pulled a short leather thong from one of the decorations on my saddle and swept my hair up into a ponytail, only turning my head to him (intending to stare back) as I picked up the reins.

The picture of that moment will stay forever in my mind.