Justin

I was so bored.

Even school was better than the hell that was sitting at home all day. At least there, I had something to do. Something that my mind could focus on. I was pretty good in school actually.

I finally convinced Richard to buy a TV for the living room. He never believed in having one, so I was always forced to watch outdated reruns on the library computer. Richard's was off limits and only to be used for school work.

But even with the TV, I was only allowed to watch for a certain amount of time each day. Too much TV would fuck with my brain and I would lose myself in fictional worlds causing my senses of reality to alter. In other words, I would fall into an even deeper depression. As if that could happen.

There was nothing even worth watching. A bunch of senseless shit with immature humor. And the news was just too damn sad for me. Too many attacks. Too many murders. Too many bad things happening to people who didn't deserve them.

I pretended to be doing better than I actually was. Sure I was making progress, but it wasn't the progress everyone else expected. Susan was proud of me. Dr. Mare was proud of me. Richard was proud of me, although he had an awkward way of showing it. I wanted to be better for them but my mind was going in a completely different direction.

Things with Richard were better for a while but they were slowly getting worse and worse. Back to how it was last year. I would never forgive him for a lot of what happened to me. For him ruining my life completely and treating me the way he did. Things would never be okay. They would always be awkward and tense because that's just how it is when your trust in someone fades slowly.

Sometimes I hated him but sometimes I loved him so much and I was terrified to lose him. When everything turned to shit, he was all I had, he took care of me and the thought of being without him and being alone chilled me to the core. It was a fucked up relationship we had but it was what it was. The only relationship I had with anyone.

Richard was out for the day. I woke up at noon, panicked when I realized Richard never woke me up and I immediately assumed the worst. But the car was gone. There was no note or anything. I reveled in the silence and serenity of not being pestered all day. I brought my breakfast into the living room, hiding the milk I spilled on the couch with a horrendous green pillow, and ate in front of stupid morning talk shows.

I had nothing else to do so I decided to busy myself with something I'd wanted to do for years. The door to the attic was at the end of the hall upstairs. I don't think I had been up there since I was little. I could busy myself and save Richard the tiring work of cleaning it out.

It was medium sized, filled floor-to-ceiling with boxes. Filled wall-to-wall with memories. Puffs of dust flew up from the first box I pulled from the stacks. Inside were envelopes and tons of photo albums.

Lying right on the top was a framed birth certificate. My birth certificate. My mom's elegant scrawl scratched the bottom of the page. It was weird how something so insignificant meant so much to me. My eyes scanned over the even less significant name next my mother's.

Two people brought me into this world. And neither of them was around anymore. It burned me from the inside out.

I put the birth certificate aside and moved to the piles of pictures. I flipped through them for hours, smiling and crying. I was alone so I let the tears run freely as I went through box after box, picking out the pictures I wanted to keep.

"What are you doing up here?"

I flinched habitually, box tumbling out of my lap. There was almost no light peering out of the attic window. I had spent most of the day losing myself in old memorabilia. Richard stood at the door and he didn't look happy.

"I asked you a question." He said sternly.

"I, uh," I cleared my throat. "No one's been up here in a while so I thought I'd clean up. Uncle Richard, you should see some of the pictures in here. They're so-"

"I've seen them." He cut me off and my mouth snapped shut. "Come downstairs and wash up before dinner. Now."

His tone told me not to defy or question. It was the tone I was so well acquainted with, as if I were a child once again. I quickly took my pictures and stormed past him. I slammed my bedroom door with all of my strength, watching the hinges quiver against the frame.

All of the blood rushed away from my head and I felt dizzy. I sat down on the mattress, clutching onto my knees. Did I take my meds today? Did I even take any this week? I couldn't remember. The last time I could recall taking them was Saturday.

Today was Wednesday.

"It's time for dinner, Justin." I was curled up in a ball when Richard called through the door. When I didn't answer, he said it louder. The locked door knob moved. "We don't lock doors in this house."

I didn't answer. Let him break it down. It was his fate. If Richard was looking for a fight, he'd sure as hell get one.

A sigh. "This is your problem, Justin. When you don't get your way, you throw a tantrum and blame the whole world. When are you going to start acting like an adult, Justin?"

I refused to move or say anything. There was another sigh and footsteps and I wasn't bothered for the rest of the night.

*

The next time I tried to get up into the attic, the door was locked from the inside.

*

All I was trying to do was put out the garbage. Then I was going to go to bed. It was late and I was tired from a long day of doing nothing. Then I heard the car door shut. Then my feet were carrying me across the lawn without my control.

Ana was leaning over the trunk of her car, shuffling through a clutter of things. I watched her, thinking I could still sneak away without her noticing. She probably didn't want to see me. But I wanted to see her. I'd wanted to for months. I just wanted to look at her and make sure she was okay. It was all I wanted.

And I had no right.

But Ana was already turning. She jumped at my taller figure leaning over hers. "Jesus," She clutched at her chest. "You could have said something." She snapped. Nice to see she hadn't changed. I licked my lips to wipe away the smile.

"Hi," I breathed.

Ana looked back at me with big, blank eyes. "Hey,"

I had nothing else to say. I had so much to say. But the words weren't forming and my palms were sweating, even though it was below freezing outside. I would never be over this girl. I'll be ninety and senile and still love her every second of every single day. But I had to look at the big picture. We were not right for each other. I needed to remind myself of that.

So I settled for, "How have you been?"

"How have I been? That's a good question." She chuckled quietly to herself. "How have you been, Justin?"

Horrible. "Better." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the truth either. I was simultaneously doing better and worse. "I'm different than I was. Trying to get my shit together."

She nodded. "You look better."

"Do I?"

"Yeah you do."

We stared at each other awkwardly. There was so much to say but at the same time nothing. We'd spent a whole summer apart and you could feel the huge change between us. "What about you? What are you up to?" I needed to shift the conversation from myself. I couldn't spill the fact that my Uncle and I were starting to slip further and further apart and I had been skipping out on my meds more and more recently and I was losing control again. I couldn't put that on her. Not when I had her in front of me for the first time in months and I would probably never have her again. Not in the way I wanted. Especially not in the way I deserved.

"I've been okay. Still trying to get my shit together." It was a subtle jab at me.

"Awesome, I mean great, that's good." I stumbled. It went back to awkward silence. I swallowed thickly. "I'm really sorry, Ana."

She sighed, "Justin..."

"It isn't fair to you."

"It's late and it's cold-

My stomach flipped. I found myself rushing to get my words out. "I was so selfish. I dumped you and sent you away confused and I didn't tell you how I really felt, didn't listen to how you felt."

"You did what you had to do, Justin, okay?"

"I put you through so much shit. I treated you like shit. And you still helped me. You still stayed by my side. Why?"

Ana was quiet. Both our breaths were heavy and were visible through wisps of frozen air. Ana took a step back. "What's done is done. I need to go now."

"Can we-"

"Good night, Justin." She said, slamming her trunk shut. She gave me a once over and then turned. I stood, watching her walk away until her door was shut and there was no evidence that she was even there.

Back at the house, I had already anticipated Richard's presence before I even opened the door. He was standing by the window, turning with a grim look on his face as I kicked my shoes off. "I sent you to put the garbage out."

"And I did exactly that."

I tried to go to the stairs but Richard braced a hand against my chest. I smacked his palm off and it turned into a fist at his sides. "You're eighteen years old Justin. It's time to stop acting like a boy and start being a man. I've been lenient with you but that will change if your behavior warrants it."

I clenched my jaw. "Get out of my way."

"They gave you 60 pills this month, Justin. Only 33 were missing."

"A great education can get you far in life, that's fantastic. Now get out of my way."

Richard took my arm in a grip that I could shake off. "Don't be mistaken, boy. Just because of your... conditions, does not mean you have the authority in this house. It's been a year, a year. And you still haven't learned that when you challenge me, when you defy me, things only get worse for you."

"Are you threatening me, Uncle?" I raised a cocky eyebrow. He wanted to see a man then he would. I wasn't afraid.

"Warning you." Richard spit, shoving me. "Now get to bed. I don't want to look at your pathetic face anymore."

When I got up to my room, I shed my shirt from my shoulders. On my forearm lay an angry red mark, with five long dips extending from the middle. Along with the scars, it looked almost cool. Like a spider web. It was almost beautiful.

Ana

"Why are all of these apartments so expensive?" I groaned.

I watched in disgust as Gavin shoved an entire half of a sandwich in his mouth. "You can live with me." He said around a mouthful.

I made a face, wiping his with a napkin. "Thanks but no."

"Why do you even want to move out at 18?"

"You did." I pointed out.

"Because I have a shitty mom who drinks like it's her job and fucks guys young enough to be my classmates and a shitty dad who's too busy traveling to be with his wife and son and fucks girls young enough to be my sisters. I needed my own space."

I sighed. "I can't live in that house anymore. My parents look at me like I'm going to shatter under their glance. The most innovating contact I've had in the last three months has been with a one year old who can barely say fifteen words." I leaned back. "I need to get out."

"Ask your dad to help out."

"He's already going to pay for me to go to school full time in the Spring. I'm not going to ask him to pay for everything. I fucked up so bad. I should have just gone away to college and gotten my life together there."

"Hey," Gavin placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You're going through a rough patch. It'll all work itself out."

"You think so?"

He stuck his pinky out to hook onto mine. "Promise."

"Hey, how was work today?" Dad asked when he walked past the study to find me flipping through my psych textbook.

"They're cutting back my hours to hire some part-timers." I muttered. "Which means more money for the store but less money for me."

"I'm sorry sweetheart. Maybe it's time to start looking for another job."

"Maybe." I sighed.

"Ana," He shut the textbook, pulling it out of my grasp. "How are you?"

"Fine," I answered cautiously. "How are you?"

"I'd be better if I knew how you really are. I know it may seem like nothing's working out now and everything's getting worse and if you ever want to speak to someone and get some help-"

"I don't need therapy, Dad." I said.

He sighed, staring down at me. "I'm just worried about you."

"Don't be, okay. I'm just going through a low point right now but I'm trying to get it back up. I'm really fine."

"Alright. I love you."

"Love you, Dad. Good night."

It would probably be expected of me to have some kind of earth shattering reaction to seeing Justin again. But that just didn't happen. I didn't even feel the need to tell my best friend or my parents or anyone else. Because I really didn't care.

I so desperately wanted to be fine yet I was far from it. I was sad and lonely and weak and I didn't want to be.

But I would get there eventually and that meant relying on myself instead of everyone else to get me through things. And if I was honest, Justin just didn't fit into the picture anymore.

I usually don't have time to update during the week but I've been home dying of the flu so here you go.

Hope you liked this chapter. Justin and Ana finally met but things aren't going to be going smoothly with them anytime soon.

twitter: @bugattibiebxr

I'm trying to figure out a cast for this story so if you have any suggestions let me know