BOY, OH BOY,

Trust takes a lot

My thoughts eat at themselves

My throat is in a knot

I can't ignore the echoes of my past

But I can learn to rewrite

You are the pen with golden ink,

You are my glow in the night

Promise not to leave me,

Or I might leave myself

Root me in your heaven,

Lest I fall to hell.

"I used to puke a lot back then."

The subtle whirring of the ceiling fan was the only sound that filled the silence in the office. Whenever Katsuki had a therapy session for the week, Nemuri oftentimes fell into a cycle with him where he wouldn't speak for minutes on end, only to randomly blurt something without any prompting.

Nemuri hummed. "Why is that?"

Katsuki sighed. "Well, the night it happened...I passed out. When I woke up in my dorm room, I puked. It made me feel cleaner or some shit, I don't know. I'd see her face every day, so I vomited as often as I could. Seeing her made me feel so fucking weird that it was the only thing I could think about doing to feel better."

"Would you say it was a cleansing of sorts for you?"

Katsuki shrugged. "I guess."

"Well, did the vomiting come with nausea? Did you naturally have the urge to vomit every time?"

"I can't label that shit in my head. Just felt the need to do something with myself. I'd get the job done myself; I stuck my fingers to the back of my throat every other night before bed."

"Did you continue that habit after going back home?"

"Nah, that shit got old fast. It was so fucking stupid. I just get high and shit instead. It's easier."

"Are there any drawbacks to that, though?" Nemuri asked.

Bakugou immediately thought of a lot of drawbacks. He was exhausted. He was irritable. He was even jumpy sometimes. He didn't reply, though.

Nemuri noticed. "Sometimes, our methods for healing can be unhealthy, or toxic. But the fact that we even considered methods are proof of our resilience, in a way. It's easy to give up. It's easy to give in to something that might feel like it swallows you whole." She refolded her legs. "Methods and coping mechanisms are amazing, once they're on the right path. There's no race for healing, Katsuki. If there are methods that you use now that are self-destructive, then connect the dots. Find out why the methods you're using feel so draining and inefficient. Mold your habits. It takes time, but you can find a way to not feel suffocated."

Katsuki leaned back into his seat, sighing with slight irritation. It was hard to be told that his habits, ones that'd stuck with him for years, were supposed to be molded. He knew that they were unhealthy obviously, but his pain swallowed his logic. That always seemed to be the case.

Nonetheless, Katsuki sighed deeply, rubbing his temple. He really wanted to go back to his dorm or spend some time with Izuku, but he'd told himself that his comfort needed to be sacrificed for any of this to work.

He shrugged. "What do I replace my unhealthy habits with, then?"

Meanwhile, back at Kaminari's dorm, Izuku inhaled the heavy waft of smoke that surrounded them both, along with Kirishima.

Initially, Izuku had sworn that he'd never do any kind of drug or alcohol, especially after regaining his memories about the incident, but Kaminari had been so inviting, he hadn't seen Ochako or Iida in weeks, and Katsuki was at therapy, so he figured that some idle time wouldn't hurt.

Kirishima's hair was down in soft waves, his head tilted back as he flopped back into Kaminari's plush bed with a groan.

"My shoulders hurt," he complained. "The load I had to carry today was too much, man."

Izuku blinked. "Is that your part-time job?"

Denki cut in, answering for Kirishima. "Yeah, he and Tetsu move equipment and stuff for the campus gym." He looked over at his friend, a lazy smile quirking up his lips. "I told him that it'd come back to bite him, so that's his mess."

His golden blond hair was in a low ponytail, his matching bright eyes currently lidded and a little red.

Izuku got up and stumbled over to Kirishima, sitting behind him and propping his body upon the mattress.

"I'm good with massages," he hummed and pressed his hands into the redhead's shoulders. Kirishima smiled.

"Thanks, dude."

"Jirou wants to try new shit," Kaminari suddenly piped up, folding over his legs meditation style. "She's been getting into bondage and shit. Said she wants to explore her sadistic side."

Izuku blushed a little, and Kirishima chuckled. "What're you scared of then, dude?"

Kaminari raised his hands defensively. "Are you kidding? Jirou is already intense, man. I'm the one who'd be getting the whips and shit," he groaned, wincing at the thought. "If she has frustrations she needs to take out on me, she should just let me know."

Kirishima howled with laughter, making Izuku jump a little. "Oh man, Kami."

Denki bit back a smile, opting for a pout instead. "It's not funny, dude." He turned to Izuku. "You get it, right? With how Bakugou is, I bet he makes you do wacky kinky shit all the time!"

Izuku reddened immediately. "Well-"

"Leave Midoriya out of it," Kirishima huffed, hunching his back so that Izuku could knead into a spot better. Kaminari rolled his eyes, and a brief silence fell over them.

It was in that brief silence Izuku's mind, dazed by weed and no longer distracted by his friends, ran wild on its own, presenting every worst-case scenario possible. He tucked his bottom lip in, his hands shaking a little as he continued to busy himself with Ejirou's shoulder blades.

Izuku found out recently that getting high scared him, in a way. Kaminari once said that being high stripped down your personality to it's strongest, most basic attributes.

Whenever Izuku was high, he only ever knew paranoia. Paranoia and a hint of happiness.

"Hey," He suddenly whispered with a slur, laughing a little. "This...this is gonna sound...weird. But what if you two are just lowering my defenses so you can rape me?"

He chuckled for a while, a strained smile plastered on his face. Kirishima inhaled sharply.

"Midoriya," Kaminari said, his frown deep. "We'd never-"

"Sorry. I know, I know," Izuku said quickly, waving them off. The room light seemed brighter, but maybe that was the high. "I know."

Kirishima's eyes lowered, wanting to say something, but he decided to let it go.

"My knots are fading away," he slurred instead, leaning his head back. "You're a gift, Midoriya, holy shit."

"'s nothing," Izuku smiled.

The door opened, and Katsuki took two steps in. He cocked a brow at the weird sight before him.

"What the fuck are you idiots up to?" He frowned, and Izuku stood up, light on his feet as he sauntered over to him.

"I missed you," he said softly, leaning up to press kisses against Katsuki's jaw. Katsuki swallowed, hard. Kaminari wolf-whistled.

"You have got to let Midoriya give you a massage when you're tired, Bakugou," Kirishima grinned, rolling back his shoulders. "He's amazing."

"Hands off my boyfriend, shitty hair," Katsuki hissed, gripping Izuku's waist. Denki burst into a fit of laughter.

Katsuki ignored his friend, opting to turn to Izuku instead. His expression softened just a little. "Are you high, dumbass? I thought you were avoiding that kind of stuff."

Izuku ignored the question altogether. "How'd you find me?"

"You texted me," Katsuki blinked. "That shit was barely readable. You're lucky all my friends are such dumbasses so I'm used to it by now."

"Hey!" Kaminari clumsily protested.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up, dunce face. You and shitty hair are fucked for making him do this-"

"Kacchan," Izuku cut in, a small scowl adorning his face. "I told you I'm not a kid; you don't need to chew them out."

Katsuki looked down at his partner, his lips folding flat as he sighed. "I know. Ready to go?"

Izuku grinned, wrapping his arms around Katsuki's bicep. "Yup."

After exchanging goodbyes with Denki and Ejirou, Izuku and Katsuki left, strolling down the corridor to head to the parking lot.

It was dark out, Izuku noticed, suddenly grateful that he was only buzzed and not high off his ass. Because, well, now it was dark. And sure, Katsuki was with him, but that didn't ease the small hole of paranoia in Izuku's chest. He could feel himself tense a little.

Katsuki noticed. "You... wanna know how my session went?"

Izuku's eyes widened, and he was effectively distracted. "Of course!"

"Well, uh... I talked about my coping mechanisms and shit. That they're not right for me even though they've been working for years. At least, I thought they were." Katsuki scratched at his ear, deeply embarrassed with the topic. He hated opening up, but he hated seeing Izuku in discomfort more, so he figured it couldn't hurt.

Izuku smiled softly. "You're so amazing, Kacchan. To face the ugliest parts of life like that." He leaned his head on Katsuki's shoulder, a warm buzz lingering in his chest. "I'm glad I have you."

Katsuki coughed, his face reddening a little as he scowled. "Don't compliment me like that, fucking weirdo."

"Suki!"

The pair turned around at the call, and Katsuki squinted at the figure jogging towards them. He held Izuku tighter.

Tanned legs, wide chestnut eyes, a pearly smile, and honey brown hair came into view, and Katsuki frowned deeply.

"Camie?" Izuku whispered to himself, his brows pinching. The girl in question eyed him for a bit, an unreadable expression on her face. Her light, long hair was in a low, loose ponytail, and she was sporting a pastel pink tank top and white cotton shorts. Clearly, she was supposed to be heading to bed.

"Fuck you want?" Bakugou shot, and Camie laughed.

"I've been looking all over for you, dumbass," she smiled gently and turned to Izuku again. "Hey, 'Zu!"

Izuku scowled, deciding to not respond.

Her eyebrows shot up in amusement, and she sighed. "Anyway, you're such a liar, Suki," she whined, "You said you'd call me back, but here I am, chasing you in the middle of the night. What's up with that?"

"The fuck are you on about?" Katsuki hissed, his temper shooting skywards. Clearly, Camie was trying to paint some sort of picture. "How'd you know I was even here? You stalking me or some shit?"

"Don't be like that," Camie tilted her head, looking exasperated. "You spend so much time with your friends and my dorm is right here too, obviously I know you'd probably be here. And now you've dragged this poor guy into it." She grinned at Izuku. "He's a bad influence. You're better off with some new friends."

Something in Izuku's blood boiled up just the tiniest bit.

"You know damn well he's not just my friend, Camie," Bakugou said and began to move off, holding Izuku as he did. "And I know what you're trying to pull. You crazy bitch-"

"Wow!" Camie stressed, walking after them with a purpose. "Name-calling, again! I thought we talked about that, Suki-"

Izuku paused, his head snapping to meet her determined gaze.

"Hey," he said, his voice low and calm. "Don't you have any shame?"

Katsuki blinked in surprise.

A shadow of something had cast itself over Camie's face for a nanosecond, but she eradicated it immediately with a grin. "Shame? We were supposed to meet and he blew me off."

"You're gross," was all Izuku said, his face contorting in genuine disgust.

With a hint of a sneer, Camie said, "And you're jealous. Are you crushing on him, or something? Tough luck, 'Zu. Whatever he's said to get in your pants is a lie."

And without a thought, Katsuki's fist flew in its own, almost flying to her face, but Izuku grabbed his wrist. He gazed up at Katsuki, his smile soft.

"Let's head back to my place, Kacchan."

Katsuki reluctantly relaxed, his features softening. He sighed, a snarl still present on his face. "Fine."

Camie exhaled sharply, her fists clenching. Pain seeped its way into her chest. "You're replacing me? You're trying to replace me after everything I've done for you, you fucking fag?" She spat, tears running freely down her cheeks. Izuku frowned, feeling the slightest bit of sympathy for her. Even if the ugly slur stung.

"Fuck off, Camie," Katsuki said simply, opening up his car door. He and Izuku entered, and Camie gritted her teeth.

"You're gonna regret this," she spat.

"You're gonna fucking regret this, Katsuki."

•

The drive to Izuku's dorm was accompanied by the soft orchestral music that filled the space, courtesy of Katsuki's aux cord.

"Did she always call you that?" Izuku suddenly asked, his voice soft. "Suki, I mean."

"Every now and then," Katsuki replied, cringing.

"You never told me how you met her."

Katsuki cast Izuku a brief look of guilt, making the latter laugh a little.

"It's not that important, but since she's been in your life longer than I have, I'm just curious," Izuku cleared up. "After all, she's still attached to you."

Katsuki sighed in annoyance at the reminder. He didn't expect her to just simply disappear, Camie was always persistent, but he at least hoped she'd give him a break.

His eyes narrowed a bit as he focused on the road again. "I knew her since the seventh grade, but I never really spoke to her until the last year of high school."

"I was a fuck up from the get-go. I already was a little shit with a short temper, so I'd been going to counseling on and off for the first two years of high school. Then, in the ninth grade, my old hag decided it'd be best to send me to live with her parents for a while. Maybe she was testing every method she had because no one knew how to deal with me." Katsuki laughed a little, bitterly.

"I was with them for two years. When I came back in the eleventh grade, I was even worse than before. Because, well, the time I'd spent with those asshats was fucking awful. I started doing drugs and shit. Like, the harder shit. Like codeine and fentanyl. I worried the living shit out of everyone." Katsuki's voice broke, and his grip on the steering wheel tightened. His long time friends, Kirishima, Mina, Sero, Kaminari, and Jirou, along with his parents who had no idea what their son had dealt with while he was away. He'd shut them out emotionally, losing his already short temper at any signs of concern they'd show. "I wouldn't open up because it was so fucking ugly. Eventually, I started getting addicted. Passed out one day because I'd overdosed."

Izuku's breath hitched in his throat. "K-Kacchan, you don't have to tell me this if you don't want-"

"No. I want you to know," Katsuki hissed stubbornly. He continued. "I passed out, probably scared the living fuck out of my parents, woke up in a hospital room. Obviously, I was sent to a rehabilitation center after that incident. That's where I met Camie."

"I saw her around school, but apparently that entire time she was in and out of the center for the same reasons. I still don't know what made her turn to drugs, but she was always a lot more hardcore than me. She did crack, heroin, meth- the whole nine yards."

Katsuki exhaled deeply. "She wasn't pretending to feel sympathy for me, unlike every other extra in that place. I've never told her anything about my past, but for whatever reason, she could tell that my behavior was a front. She said that she'd be there for me when I felt like I wasn't as straight as I wanted to be."

She'd be there with her legs open. It did well for them both, for a while. But while Katsuki got clean, Camie never really did. They leeched off of each other in a growingly toxic cycle, always running back to each other to ignore their demons.

"We were never in a relationship. She just knows the most fucked up parts of me, and she uses it against me to get what she wants and shit. She's stuck to me because she's stuck in general. She's in a never-ending loop, and I used to be a part of that loop. Now that I'm not, I guess it's pissing her off."

Izuku leaned back into the seat, his mind whirring. He couldn't manage to villainize Camie no matter how hard he tried to. She was human, with real pain and fucked up issues. Katsuki had been exactly where she is now.

"For her to grow," Izuku said quietly, "she can't keep trying to run back to you. You're just as bad for her as she is for you. So cut her off. Not just because you're with me, but because it'll suck the first grime out of her life. It's for her own good."

Katsuki inhaled sharply. Izuku was so good. To him and anyone, it seemed.

Izuku laughed a little. "I mean, I still don't like her, and she's still a homophobic jerk that helped to sink you further into the worst parts of yourself, but still."

Katsuki pulled up to Izuku's dorm complex with a snort. "What? You didn't fancy that nickname she gave you?"

Izuku cringed. "Ochako calls me 'Zu sometimes already, and I hated it, thank you very much."

"What? Does everyone have a shitty nickname for you except me, or somethin'?" Katsuki frowned as they hopped out of the car and headed upstairs. Izuku scoffed, a smile on his face.

"You jealous, Kacchan?"

"Shut up," Katsuki huffed before his lips stretched into a cunning grin. "Guess what I found out while giving Aizawa our papers last week."

Izuku paused.

"Deku," Katsuki wheezed, clutching his stomach as he pointed at his confused boyfriend. "Your fucking name can be read as Deku. It's suitable for a clumsy nerd like you."

Izuku blinked once, before a cute scowl formed on his face in realization. "Wait, no-"

"That's the one right there," Katsuki cackled. "That's what I'll call you from now on, Deku. Not so smug now, huh?"

"You're such a jerk," Izuku whined, lightly hitting Katsuki's arm, the small smile on his face betraying his tone.

Katsuki leaned down to Izuku's ear, his breath tickling the skin on his neck, making him shiver involuntarily.

"I like it. Can call you that when I bend you over like the doll you are," he hummed, pulling away to grin at Izuku's flustered reaction.

"S- shut up," Izuku hissed, fumbling for his keys as he tried to open his door.

Katsuki chuckled a little, following suit after Izuku opened the door and stepped inside.

"I'm exhausted," Izuku huffed after a while, slipping his clothes off until he was only sporting his boxers. Katsuki did the same.

"Being around dunce face will do that to ya," Katsuki joked and laid back on the bed.

The scars on his arms were fading, Izuku noticed, and there were no fresh ones. He inhaled deeply in relief at the thought and joined him on the bed.

"Denki is a breath of fresh air," Izuku said with honesty. "Everything is so serious all the time, you know."

Katsuki silently agreed. His friends were good distractions. They'd been helping to distract him from himself for years, after all.

"Kacchan," Izuku spoke up again, "Are you bi, or was being with girls something you felt like you had to do?"

That's a good fucking question, actually, Katsuki thought.