《I Don't Seem So Bright in a Well-Lit Room》Chapter Seventeen
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Gradi Ohsa Vallasoupia-Gallor (this was a stage name; her real name was Bip-Bip Vakleenacuddy) and her theatre troupe The Ilt-un-por-Ilt Players had only meant to stop off at Euphoria to refuel, not to recruit. She didn't stop anywhere to recruit, because they had never recruited.
All the thespians, musicians and stage hands in her dusty old troupe had been born into the dusty old troupe, generation after generation. They were all from the planet Veroseral, and didn't much care for outsiders in their midst or on their dusty old troupe ship the Deck Dallop.
The Veroseraliens were long thought extinct, their planet destroyed before it even had a chance to go missing, making the "Lost Seventy" the "Lost Seventy-one". In fact, it had disappeared so very long ago that most others in the universe had forgotten that the planet had ever existed, and most of their audiences had no idea what they were. Just a bunch of humanoids with transparent hair and lilac-coloured skin, always appearing simply dusty, and simply old.
They were a travelling troupe, writing and performing their own original musicals and travelling from planet-to-planet for thousands of years. None of them had even seen Veroseral before. They were the grandchildren of grandchildren of grandchildren of grandchildren of the grandchildren of those that once inhabited the long dead planet's grandchildren's grandchildren (give or take a grandchild).
No, Gradi Ohsa Vallasoupia-Gallor did not come to the floating sex circus to recruit per se, but she had not seen an act like the one Orchestra Balloo and Gecko had performed ever before. And her own lineage was becoming too incestuous and dwindling off into a deformed shadow of itself.
Many scripts had needed to be rewritten or retired for lack of thespians and musicians. Gekko was a bit too reptilian for Gradi Ohsa. If Gekko was compatible, her genes would most assuredly be dominant. The Flettocean acrobat however...
~~~
Vrume T'cha T'cha recognized a Quarol when he saw one. He recognized albinism in a Quarol as well.
He remembered overhearing The Node speak of a Quarol and a Topher in exile. He remembered the prophecy of the light one and the dark one. His brain started piecing it it all together after Potto had passed him in a hallway on his way back from seeing off his latest ship of saved prisoner/assistants.
He had offered a happy hello, but the Quarol seemed to be in a bit of a trance. It was unlike a Quarol to pass up a chance to say hello to a stranger. The odd creatures seemed to need smiles and greetings from friendly strangers like they needed snacks. He followed.
"Perhaps," he thought, "he just saw the show and it weighed heavily on him. Perhaps it brought up early childhood traumas or it moved him to the point of extreme daydreamy brain-malaise-mayonnaise. Perhaps it's sex circus induced petit mal." Art has always been funny that way.
Potto had no idea he was wandering around Euphoria. In his mind he was still in the forest. In his mind he was following the sound of a bustling woodland village. Perhaps he would find other Quarols there! Perhaps some Sentaphylls!
This village-in-his-head wasn't filled with either. It was filled with wild and ferocious northern neglies. Large blue curly-haired wolf-like creatures with long pointed snouts from his home planet. They may have been snarly, but they were generally very shy and would go nowhere near a village. However, this village seemed to be made up of them alone. He wondered if one was the mayor.
One spotted him and sniffed about. It smelled of ninety-two-proof grain alcohol and moth pheromones.
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"Hello there!" he said cheerily. It said nothing but looked at him as though he were insane. "Would you like a scratch under the chin? Or behind the ears?" he asked as he started scratching under its chin and behind its ears.
The beast recoiled at first, and then started attacking. Other neglies started attacking. They even started attacking each other. Tearing at each other like each was a delicious corn on the cob. Soon the whole village was in an uproar of swinging paw punches, bites, claws and imaginary kernels.
Though Potto did not want to fight ever, nor was he sure he knew how, he started to defend himself. He kicked and swung his fists haphazardly like a half-frightened child fighting off an older sibling, half frightened by possible violence and half amused by the possibility of play and the excitement of being paid attention to.
~~~
Teeg and Gekko wandered about the hallways of Euphoria, checking semi-private sex closet booths as they passed them, and seeing some horrid pairings that would give them both nightmares for weeks. As they slowly made their way back to the main performance bar, Gekko alerted Teeg telepathically that they were being followed.
They hid in an empty sex closet and waited. Two Euphoria guards peeped their heads in just far enough to have their faces smashed in. They fell bloody and unconscious to the floor. Teeg overheard other guards through their communication watches reporting empty spaces when she stopped. One fizzy message quickly caught her attention.
"We found their Topher companion. He was on their ship covered in bourbon and...I dunno...some kinda coconut water or stomach bile maybe?" the garbled voice said through the watch. "Thought I heard noises in the back, but no one else on board."
Now their Potto retrieval would also have to be an Aye rescue.
"I get that they wouldn't have found Jimmy in the engine room, but where the hell did Clover wander off to?" Teeg whispered to no one in particular. She sighed.
This was becoming increasingly difficult, especially with the whole Euphoria Guard after them for reasons unknown. K'ween would not have reported them for risk of being exposed herself.
When they finally made it to the performance bar, they would start a brawl that they could hide in, and that would distract the guards (and be a real pip, to boot).
When they finally made it there, they were happy (if not a little bit disappointed) to see that a brawl had already broken out. They were shocked to see a smiling Potto standing in the middle of it kicking and punching people off of him with his eyes closed.
"Grab him before he gets killed!" Teeg hollered. They punched, kicked and flipped their way to get to him.
"Potto!" she shouted in his face. He opened his eyes but didn't seem to be looking at her. He seemed to be looking through her.
"These beasts are relentless!" he laughed. "This is the craziest tickle fight I've ever been in! These tickles are gonna leave bruises! Actual bruises!" They dragged him off swinging his fists at the air and giggling.
Teeg pulled him down by his hair as a chair came hurdling through the air, narrowly missing them both. She picked up a full pint-sized glass of Sloovtopian Mint Gin and smashed it into a much-bigger-than-pint-sized Sloovtopian's face.
Gekko slashed her long sharp claws ahead of her, clearing a bloody path for Teeg to drag Potto through further. Many armed guards were trying to split up the fighting drunks and drug-addled perverts without using their weapons, but it was a losing battle and weapons were soon fired. Soon there was a rainbow of various coloured blood spurting about to slip on.
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Teeg and Gekko used this distraction to escape the bar and head down one of the seedier hallways as another Sloovtopian slipped on his own mustardy blood, almost blocking their path. They pushed by a Mantis Widow devouring a Blankton's head, spitting out the unneeded eyepatch and a bit of Blankton pith.
Gekko climbed ahead up the wall and along the ceiling to scout for the best escape route. Hopeful they would come across Aye by accident. Any good fortune up until now (and it had been sparse) had been by accident.
By the time Teeg caught up with her she was facing a wall of no less than seventeen armed guards. "Fight?" she asked Teeg's mind.
"Actually, no. Let's see where they take us. Hopefully to Aye. Then we fight our way out," Teeg answered. Not-so-deep down she was really enjoying this.
~~~
Vrume had followed Potto to the bar. He had watched as the Quarol started the biggest brawl he had seen in decades by scratching a drunk Sloovtopian under his chin like a puppy. He had watched a gorgeous, leather–clad Flettocean and the Kancorian performer from the earlier show drag him off through the brawl. He knew these two.
He had stepped over the body of a headless pulsating-egg-filled Blankton, and had witnessed all of them carted off by a small army of guards to Rhanque's office.
He decided this would be the perfect time to drop in on his old buddy Rhanque to pay his rent.
He was one of Rhanque's best and most respected customers. That, and his charming nature, allowed him to enter the giant's office without knocking. He loudly made an announcement as he swung the door open and pranced in.
"Rhanque, y' old so-and-so! My compliments on an incredible show! Bravo my friend, bravo!" He clapped his hands to enhance his flattery and charming nature.
"Vrume! Your timing couldn't be better! Come here! Come here! I have the star performers right here! Perhaps you could get an autograph!" Rhanque joked. He loved seeing Vrume T'cha T'cha. Everyone (but jealous General Kendra Eppie) loved seeing Vrume T'cha T'cha.
Vrume made his way through the crowd of guards surrounding the dazed Quarol, the drunk Topher, the Flettocean mistress and the Kancorian acrobat. The second performer, the other Flettocean stood beside Rhanque. She looked terrified. Vrume hated seeing anyone terrified. He hated a bully.
Orchestra Balloo's fear dropped a tad with a well-placed wink from Vrume that seemed to say "Everything is going to be okay, I promise."
"Careful lover boy!" Rhanque smiled, catching and misinterpreting this wink. "If I thought for a second ladies were your thing, I'd be jealous! This, my friend, is Orchestra Balloo. My fiancée!"
This jolted Orchestra as if she were slapped with a large, dead fish. She had not been aware that she was the fiancée of anyone. The invisible bars of her cage were closing in on her.
This jolted Teeg like a slap as well. She could tell by Orchestra's body language, expression and a new tracking bracelet that this was not the trapeze artist's idea. She had not been asked. Teeg had been in this position. Teeg knew this feeling. She had been in this position with Fat Dante in his harem before she murdered him and escaped to K'ween and the Barbohdeans. It filled her with rage. A controlled rage that she would hang onto for the right moment.
"Seems the lizard girl wanted to leave as well! Well I can't have that, can I? My sweet baby love needs a dance partner! Maybe we'll even start to attract a different clientele with this act, no? A classier one. A richer one," Rhanque bellowed like a laughing fog horn.
"Oh yes! I can see it now! I just hope it won't up my rent!" Vrume smirked.
"Never for you my friend, never for you," Rhanque lied.
While he attempted to keep Rhanque in good spirits, he was also trying as hard as he could to get Gekko to listen to his mind. Deep in his heart he knew he couldn't let this ogre keep these women against their will, but he needed to figure out how to rescue them without ruining his relationship with the man from whom he rented a space and desperately counted on for his cause and rebellion.
Finally he caught Gekko's gaze and she instantly understood. She started scanning his mind for words.
"Do you hear me, sweet Kancorian?" he offered.
"Yes. I'm not so sweet. We are about to kill everyone in this room," she answered.
"Okay. That is one plan, but I'm here to help you. I want you to know that. Attack the guards, but only wound the lumbering giant. I need him. In exchange for sparing us I will lead the Quarol, the Topher and this Orchestra Balloo woman out of here and to the safety of your ship. You will be free to fight without worrying about them. Deal?"
Gekko considered this. It would be much easier without them in the way. She quickly relayed the plan to Teeg. Teeg agreed as well, but was lying about not killing the giant. She wanted the brute to suffer as Fat Dante had.
"Agreed," Gekko whispered into Vrume's mind, realizing only after that she didn't need to whisper when communicating telepathically.
Beside Ranque, Orchestra seemed so tiny. The six-foot-tall woman looked like a beautiful fire hydrant next to a large truck. A large truck made out of lean beef and tanned cement. When he leaned in for a kiss, she felt like she was about to be devoured by a sea monster.
Teeg had saved up her rage for this moment, and it was the perfect moment to strike. She would not, and could not let that kiss happen. Her temper exploded into a fury of fists, feet and blades.
She leapt across Rhanque's desk and pierced both of his lips closed with her sword, temporarily putting that sea monster on a fishing hook. The guards burst into action as Gekko sliced through their throats like a cat destroys a favourite reclining chair.
Rhanque yelled so loudly that the entire floating bar could hear, even over the loud Sloovtopian industrial music bellowing from speakers everywhere. He swatted Teeg (and her sword) away like shooing a fly.
While Rhanque focused his attack on Teeg, and the guards on Gekko, Vrume grabbed Potto and Aye's hands and motioned for Orchestra to follow. She smiled. She had known that his wink was going to be her saving grace.
They made a hasty retreat before more guards made it up to Rhanque's office. Vrume feared the worst for the brave women fighting to save them, but he was also very aware of their reputation.
By the time the guards fired at the wall Gekko was crawling across, she was on the ceiling. By the time they fired at the ceiling, she was behind them.
Teeg was finding her fight with Rhanque more difficult then she had anticipated. His genetically altered skin was tough and leathery and her sword was barely making a mark. She couldn't seem to get close enough to punch or kick him without having to dodge a log-sized limb swinging in her direction.
"Switch," her brain told Gekko.
Within seconds Teeg's sword was hacking and cutting through guards and Gekko was on Rhanque's back, clawing away at layers of thick flesh. As Teeg killed the last guard, Rhanque managed to grab Gekko. He held her by the throat in front of him. He smiled a cocky victory smile, one that quickly disappeared from his bleeding lips as he remembered that Kancorian females could breathe fire.
And that is exactly what Gekko did. His skin may have been thick (apart from his lips) but it was still flammable and fire still really, really hurt. It still scarred. It still blistered and bubbled.
He dropped her as he screamed. His fashion choices were his enemy. His very expensive shirt went up like a flaming zeppelin. Then his humongous blazer. His hair melted to his scalp. His eyes burned, blinding him. As he fell Teeg heard Gekko's voice in her head yell "Tiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmber!!" In her mind Teeg chuckled.
They escaped the office and immediately jumped into an air duct, seconds before the next gang of guards came storming around the corner of the hallway. They could still hear Rhanque screaming as they disappeared into the air conditioning.
~~~
As hard as Orchestra tried to keep up with her rescuer, she couldn't. As he pulled the Quarol and the Topher down the hallways of Euphoria and through crowds of drunks and heaping piles of humping drug-addled perverts, her heart sank. Without him she knew she would remain in this horrible place. She cursed herself for ever coming to Euphoria in the first place.
She wandered down each corridor hoping for nothing more than even a glimpse of Vrume and the strange ones. She felt a hand wrap around hers. It was a pale lilac-purple hand with smooth, dusty old skin. Her eyes met with an ancient looking woman with transparent hair and fancy torn clothes that looked like they were out of a children's storybook.
"Come my child. Come with me. We will get you away from this horrible place, my ship is docked close by," said Gradi Ohsa Vallasoupia-Gallor of the Veroseralien theatre troupe The Ilt-por-un-Ilt Players.
~~~
As Vrume pulled Potto and Aye through hallway after hallway on his way to his own ship, he noticed Orchestra was not with them anymore. As much as he wanted to save her, capturing the two prophesized saviours would have to be his priority.
He would have to come back for Orchestra when he returned to pay Rhanque the rent he didn't get a chance to pay today. If indeed Rhanque Baptoose had survived the Flettocean and the Kancorian.
Getting these two spaced-out oddballs away from here was most important though. There was little time for anything else.
"Okay, I've tried to keep quiet about all this up until now," Aye finally piped up after being uncharacteristically quiet about all this up until now. "But who the hell are you? What the hell is going on, and where the hell can we get another bottle of...well...anything, really?"
"Ah, yes my friend. I have a very good bottle of mall brandy on my ship. We are going there now," Vrume answered.
He pulled them into a ship dock airlock. Mentally, Potto was still off (and quite lost) in his own little personal forest, and didn't care much where they ended up.
"Now you two just need to wait here. I am bringing my ship up to this dock, okay? I'll just leave you for a minute, only a minute..." Vrume added. He left and shut the inner airlock door and latched it to make sure they didn't wander away into the mess of fighting aliens again.
Aye started thinking, which was never a very productive or healthy thing for anyone in his vicinity.
He thought about how a man they had just met was trying to lure them onto a ship that wasn't theirs. He thought about how he had been dragged around by armed guards. He thought about how he and Potto had left behind Teeg and Gekko, who, as much as they frightened him, really did seem to be looking out for them for some reason. He started sobering up, though starting was still a long way from being.
"This doesn't feel right," he told an unresponsive Potto. "We gotta get outta here. We gotta find our way back to the Shiv."
He tried the door to get back into Euphoria but it was latched from the other side. He looked about the space. There, in an emergency locker on the far wall, he found two space-ready maintenance suits, complete with full oxygen tanks.
The alcohol still in his system made a decision without him. This, like most decisions alcohol made, was a doozy. A horrible doozy. It was as if the bourbon whispered into his ear: "Forget common sense, there is no time. Why don't you get to the Shiv from the outside? Just hang on to the sides. Shimmy around until you find the right parking spot."
Within minutes he had a suit on Potto, and quickly climbed into his. In Potto's mind he had just put on a swimsuit.
"Ok, this is gonna work great!" he told Potto, not noticing that Potto was much quieter than normal.
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