“Everyone has a weapon to shield their souls away from pain and from others who could see their brokenness. Whether it be popularity or anxiety, sports or books, everyone has a weapon.”

-

Thanksgiving preparations go on all day. Mom roasts turkey and makes mashed potatoes, and Sam and I keep stealing food from the kitchen. I find myself watching movies with my brother. Mom will call us for dinner anytime now.

“Oliver Carlson, huh?” Sam says, sitting there with his guitar.

“Shut up,” I say as I munch on my pre-dinner chips.

“You have other things going on in your life, don’t you?” Sam asks me.

I don’t. I have nothing going on in my life.

“Like?” I say, breaking a chip in half, then eating them at the same time.

“What happened to your music?” Sam says. “You still play?”

“I give Oliver guitar lessons,” I say, and my cheeks heat up.

Sam raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I taught him the chords.”

Sam chuckles and shakes his head. A moment later he asks a difficult question that I have no answer to.

“Are you okay?” Sam says.

I don’t know.

Everything that I went through when Sam wasn’t here maybe changed me a little. Life goes on and it drags you on with it. It won’t stop for you, no matter what happens.

“Why are you asking?” I say. “Do I not look okay?”

“I don’t know. Looking okay and actually being okay is not the same thing, Gwen,” Sam says, looking at his guitar. “It just seems like you have grown up suddenly.”

“I am sixteen going on seventeen,” I say. “What do you expect?”

“You know what I mean. It’s not about age.”

I know what he means.

“I am fine,” I say and shrug. Sam sighs.

I would never tell him. I can’t. I don’t think I will tell anyone. I have learned my lesson.

At that moment, Mom calls us. “Gwen, Sam, come down for dinner.”

I look at my brother as we leave his room and head downstairs.

The truth is, once you get used to not having someone, you replace them with someone or something else. A void doesn’t always stay void. It fills up one way or another. It never is the same. But you find ways to cope, maybe in some other ways.

*****

“...Sing that song,” Mom suggests. Sam makes a face.

We are in the backyard. Sam is sitting there with his guitar. Mom and Dad are in garden chairs. I am sitting on the back porch with my guitar.

We had our Thanksgiving feast, and now it’s time for backyard acapella.

Sam might be so passionate about music, but he never sings. He mostly writes songs and comes up with tunes on his acoustic guitar. His friends do the singing. So, every time Mom suggests a song, Sam finds an excuse not to sing it.

“Why don’t you sing ‘You Are My Sunshine’?” I suggest. That is Mom’s favorite song.

I play some strings. I look at Sam. He shakes his head. “Okay.”

We play the tune and Sam starts singing. I join him in the chorus. Mom smiles. Dad suggests dancing. Mom doesn’t listen to him at first, but Dad insists. They end up slow dancing.

I roll my eyes at my mom and dad. Sam laughs. We continue to sing. After that song, Dad suggests the Beatles. We play “Here Comes The Sun” and two more songs before Mom and Dad retire for the night. Sam asks if I want to go upstairs. I shake my head no. He vanishes towards his room.

I lie down on the grass in the backyard. I stare at the night sky.

My phone vibrates. It’s a text from Oliver.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I smile and reply. Then I go back to my sky full of stars.

Everything seems okay and I am thankful for countless things.

I am thankful that I am alive.

******

Thanksgiving break ends earlier than my liking. Sam packs his bags and leaves for college. I have to go to school again.

As soon as I reach school, I hear almost everyone talking about the upcoming ‘Winter formal.’

I remember buying a dress for it when we went to Halloween shopping. I haven’t worn that dress yet. There is a chance that the dress may get the opportunity to come out of my closet.

When I reach Jason’s locker, I hear his excited voice. “We have great ideas for it. The theme will be a winter wonderland.”

Oliver looks as uninterested as he could. That makes me laugh.

They look at me, hearing my laugh. “Hey, Mr. Winter Wonderland.”

Jason rolls his eyes. “It’s going to be amazing, you’ll see. We have already sent an application asking for a day off so we can decorate the gym. ”

“Now that is something I love to hear,” I say, as I nod at Oliver and wrap one of my arms around him, standing by his side.

“Besides, I am pretty sure you love birds will be happy to dance with each other,” Jason says with a suggestive look.

I don’t say anything. Neither does Oliver.

For that, Oliver has to ask me out.

Is he going to ask me to dance with him? My stomach somersaults at the thought.

“Let’s go to class,” Oliver suggests.

I glance at him and find him looking down at me.

*****

The days pass slowly. Every day I go to school and think maybe today I will hear something from Oliver.

The other day I heard someone squealing in the hallway and found a girl hugging her boyfriend because he probably asked her out to dance. And then I saw another guy walking around with flowers.

Almost everyone is excited. The most excited person is Jason Swindlers himself, although I don’t know if he asked anyone yet.

Oliver is completely unaffected by everything that is going on around him. He doesn’t pay any attention. He doesn’t say a word when the conversation turns to the winter formal and trust me, we sit with Jason, so every conversation we have now is about winter formal.

“You get to dress like a princess!” Jason says. “Since it’s a winter wonderland.”

I roll my eyes. “Why don’t you?”

Jason laughs. “I am serious.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say and glance at Oliver, who is eating his lunch silently. I sigh.

“I already bought a dress, remember?” I say to Jason.

There are only five days left before the dance. If this goes on, I am going to winter formal with Jason, for God’s sake.

“Oh, really?” Jason says.

“Yeah, that red one I bought before Halloween.”

“Oh,” Jason says, suddenly remembering. “Yeah, yeah. I remember that.”

Jason glances at Oliver. He is silent as a grave. Then he turns back at me.

“So, have you been asked out yet?” Jason asks the question pointedly.

I look at Oliver sideways.

“What do you think?” I answer.

“Well, if someone isn’t blind and deaf, you are going to get asked out soon,” Jason says.

I shrug. “Whatever.”

Oliver doesn’t make any sound. I am not going to lie. Sometimes I just don’t get him.

I only get more impatient in the coming days. I realize that when the next day I see Oliver during my free period.

“Hey, Gwen,” Oliver says. I turn to him.

Oliver comes towards me in two long strides.

He takes a deep breath then says, “I need to ask you something.”

At that moment my heart jumps out of my chest. Is he going to—

“Yes?” I say. My face probably shows my emotions. As Oliver sees my reaction, he gets a little flustered. He scratches the back of his head.

“I, um, I—” Oliver stutters.

“Yes?” I say, looking at him with my hopeful eyes.

“Ineedapencil,” Oliver says in one breath.

“Huh?” I say.

“I lost my pencil in my last class. Do you have any extra pencils?” Oliver asks.

I blink. He what?

I don’t say a word. I silently open my backpack and hand him a pencil.

“Th-thanks,” Oliver says. I stare at him.

“I have a class to go to,” I say and turn around.

He needed a freaking pencil. And I thought—

Never mind.

I thought it was going to end there. The next time I see Oliver, waiting for me outside the library, I don’t get my hopes up.

“I’m um—” Oliver says.

“You want to ask me something?” I say, fiddling with my backpack straps.

“Yes,” Oliver nods.

“And that is?” I ask.

Oliver clears his throat.

“Ineedapen,” Oliver says.

“Did you say a pen?” I ask again. I am not surprised.

“Yes,” Oliver says, running a hand through his hair. It almost looks like he is pulling it.

“Sure.” I take a pen out of my backpack and give it to him.

“Thank you,” Oliver says. clutching the pen. Then he vanishes.

I sigh and shake my head.

And that doesn’t stop there either. Next time I see Oliver, he needs an eraser, then a sharpener. Then, a freaking notebook.

“Do you bring anything to school?” I ask. “Do you have anything in your bag?”

I give him a notebook. He can use it for now.

“I do,” Oliver says. He looks like he is in pain.

“You good?” I ask him. Oliver takes my notebook.

“Yes,” Oliver says. He leaves.

The next day when I am going to my chemistry lab I hear someone laughing in the hallway. I think it is Jason. I turn around.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Jason is keeling over in laughter.

With him stands Oliver, covering his face with his palms as if he is disappointed in himself.

“I’m trying,” Oliver says in a frustrated tone.

“That’s not how you try,” Jason says, laughing even harder.

“Shut up,” Oliver says.

I decide to step in.

“Hi, what’s going on?” I say.

Jason and Oliver turn to me.

“What are you doing here?” Oliver says.

“I was just passing by,” I say. “What are you guys talking about?”

Jason stares at me for a few seconds. Then he bursts into fits of laughter. Oliver glares at him. Jason looks at Oliver, holding his stomach laughing. Oliver smacks Jason on the head.

I don’t understand.

“What is going on?” I say. “Did I miss out on some jokes?”

Jason shakes his head. “No, Gwen. You didn’t.”

He wipes his eyes. Then he looks from me to Oliver. Shaking his head, he says, “I am gonna go.”

Jason pats Oliver on his shoulder and says, “And best of luck to you, dude. May you learn how to—”

Oliver slaps him on his head before Jason disappears.

Then he looks at me and swallows.

“So?” I ask.

“Weren’t you going to your class?” Oliver changes the subject.

“Yes,” I reply. “But—”

“Let’s go then,” Oliver clasps my hand and drags me.

If I thought that was the end of Oliver’s strange behavior, I was wrong.

Later, I go to the stationery shop to buy new stuff. I buy notebooks, erasers, and sharpeners because who knows what Oliver needs next?

When I am heading back, I see Oliver Carlson, and I almost fall from my bike.

Oliver is standing in front of a flower shop. What on earth?

“Hi,” I say with doubts. Maybe it is not Oliver.

Oliver jumps hearing my voice. It is him.

My mouth falls open. What is he doing here?

“What on earth are you buying flowers for?” I ask, with my eyes wide. Oliver looks at the flowers. Then he looks at me and gulps.

“I-I, I’m not—,” Oliver shakes his head vigorously. “I’m absolutely not buying flowers.”

“Then what are you doing in front of the shop?” I ask, raising my brow.

“I was just passing by.” Oliver looks inside the shop and then looks around as if waiting for something. Then he looks at me and says, “Flowers are beautiful, aren’t they?”

I am keeping my distance from flowers. He might not have seen it.

“As beautiful as they are, I can’t get near. I have a pollen allergy,” I say sadly.

“Pollen allergy?” Oliver asks in surprise.

“Yes, if I get close to flowers, if any pollen finds its way to my nose, it makes me sneeze and my eyes get red and watery,” I say.

Oliver parts his mouth slightly in surprise. “Why did I not know that?”

“I didn’t tell you. That’s why.” I shrug. Oliver frowns.

“I should’ve known it,” Oliver says, looking at the flowers with a look of regret.

“Hey, I don’t have a Wikipedia page. Leave it.” I nudge his shoulder with mine.

Oliver nods. At that moment, a lady walks out of the shop holding a flower bouquet of colorful flowers. It’s a beautiful collection of small flowers. It looks so pretty I almost want to take it. But that many flowers will make me sneeze for a week straight.

“Here’s your bouquet,” The lady says to Oliver. I snap my head at him.

Oliver gulps and says, “No, no, no. It’s not mine. I didn’t ask for any flowers.”

The lady furrows her brow. “But you just handpicked the flowers for the bouquet.”

Oliver shakes his head continuously. “Nope, that wasn’t me. You must be mistaking me with someone else.”

Oliver turns to me and places both of his hands on my shoulders pushing me out of the shop. “Besides what will I do with flowers? Let’s go, Gwen. I don’t want you to be sick. Let’s go.”

As we walk out of the shop, I ask him, “What was that?”

“Nothing.” Oliver shrugs and then says hurriedly, “What are you doing here?”

I narrow my eyes at him. “You know, you have been acting very strange lately.”

Oliver stares at me. Then he brushes away a strand of my hair as if he knows something I don’t. “ Have I?”

“Yes, very weird,” I assure him. “Are you all right?”

Oliver smiles a little. Placing his palm on my cheeks, he says, “Must be because I haven't kissed you in a while.”

My eyebrows shot up. This boy. “Eh.”

Oliver smiles a little before leaning down and pecking me on the lips.

“What are you gonna do with all these stuff?” Oliver says as he looks at my stationery bag.

“Oh, God knows when you need another notebook.” I roll my eyes.

Oliver keeps staring at my notebooks. I hear him mumble, “Why haven’t I thought of that before?”

“Huh?” I say.

Oliver glances up at me, looking hopeful. “I will be heading home. See you tomorrow.”

He sounds really excited to get home. “Um, okay.”

Oliver then cups my cheeks and kisses me again, so hard that I see stars during the day. I almost fall when he leans back because my knees have turned into jelly.

“See you,” Oliver says, pecking my cheek. Then he disappears around the corner. I stand there, holding my bike, wondering for the umpteenth time what is wrong with him.

*****