“It's okay not to be okay as long as you don't give up hope that there's still something out there for you. After all, hope doesn't abandon you; you abandon hope.”

-

“I broke his heart?” I say, looking up.

“Yes, you broke his heart,” Owen says. “And you know that.”

I feel hurt by Owen’s words. Never in my life will I ever think of hurting that person, even now when I know he has hurt me the most. He had wounded me so badly that I don’t think those will ever go away.

I will never hurt Oliver, even in my nightmares, even if I turn into a monster.

“Why did you do this?” Owen pleads.

I press my eyes shut. My tears travel down my cheeks.

“He was the one who did it,” I say. I am in so much pain that I think my heart is breaking all over again. “He was the one who broke my heart.”

Owen shakes his head. “Oliver would never do that.”

I don’t reply.

“Don’t you know him? How can you even think he will do that to you?” Owen asks.

I look at him as my tears stream down my cheeks. “I used to think the same.” My voice cracks. “But I was wrong and so are you.”

I wipe my tears. I will leave now. There is nothing left to say.

“Gwen,” Owen says. “What did he do? Please tell me.”

I shake my head.

“Please. I promise you will never have to see me again. I promise I won’t ask you anything again. Just tell me, what the hell did my brother do to deserve this?” Owen says.

I swallow. My throat hurts so bad.

I try to control my tears. I thought I was getting better. But it’s like a circle. I am never okay.

“I saw him with someone else,” I say.

“What?” Owen says, surprised, like he can’t believe it.

I don’t say anything else. I am done here.

“He was with someone else?” Owen says again. “Who was he with?”

I glare at Owen. I had had enough.

“Gwen, no, I don’t get what you’re talking about,” Owen says with his eyebrows furrowed.

“I think you do,” I say.

“You are trying to tell me that Oliver cheated on you?” Owen asks with his eyes full with disbelief.

I glance away.

“Gwen, you do know that it’s Oliver we are talking about,” Owen says. “Oliver, who doesn’t even look at people or talk to them. Oliver, whom I think has never even noticed there are other girls on this planet ever since he has known you.”

“I saw it,” I say, holding back my tears. “Are you telling me not to believe my own eyes?”

Owen shakes his head. “How? How?”

He paces in the room. “Gwen, he loves you. You know that, right?”

I turn towards the door. I am leaving.

“This is not possible. There must be something—” Owen says, “There must be something you have missed.”

I laugh humorlessly. “Yeah, I missed watching him kiss her. I should have taken a picture, huh?”

Owen grabs my hand from behind. “Then why would you think he cheated on you, if he didn’t even kiss her? And for God’s sake who is she?”

“You think I want to know that?” I say.

Owen pauses. He looks like he just realized something.

“Wait a second,” He says and let go of my hand as he contemplates.

I sigh. I don’t know why I am having this stupid conversation.

Maybe some part of me still doesn’t want to believe what I saw. Some part of me still hopes that Owen will tell me something that will change what I know, somehow I will realize I am wrong.

“Okay,” Owen says finally, “ I think I know what’s happening here.”

I gaze at him.

“What did you actually see?” Owen asks.

I don’t want to repeat, “I already said it.”

“You only saw Oliver with someone else, that doesn’t mean he cheated on you.”

“She was leaning down to kiss him, Owen. Their faces were inches away. How-”

“I knew it!” Owen says.

I look at him with surprise, “What?”

“This sounds so familiar,” Owen shakes his head, “You don’t know, I-”

Owen leans against the table and sighs in relief. I stare at him.

“Oh right,” Owen stands up, “I haven’t told you yet.”

I almost roll my eyes.

“Tell me about the girl you saw,” Owen says, “She had long blonde hair, right?”

I gaze at him, “Yeah.”

“Heart shaped mouth, Red lipstick?” Owen says.

I narrow my eyes at him. “Yeah.”

“Let me guess, even in this winter, she was wearing summer shorts?”

“Excuse me? A girl can wear anything she wants,” I object.

“Yeah, but was she?” Owen asks.

I cross my arms over my chest, “Yes.”

“I knew that. The girl you saw was Scarlett. Scarlett King. Oliver’s ex.”

I look at him for a few seconds, “So?”

Owen comes towards me and shakes me, “It’s Scarlett. Do you know anything about Scarlett King? She kissed me when she was dating Oliver.”

I suddenly remember something.

The party. Owen’s birthday party.

He was talking about Scarlett and how he never kissed her back.

“She is one of the many reasons why Oliver and I never talked. She is one of the many reasons my brother loathed me.” Owen says. “Oliver didn’t cheat on you with her. He talked to her.”

“The day he saw her is the day he came back and apologized to me,” Owen says, “That is why we started talking because Oliver realized I never did anything. You say she was going to kiss him. Do you really think Oliver will kiss her back? The girl who blamed his brother? The girl who cheated on him?”

I try to think about it. My head is buzzing.

“Gwen,” Owen shakes me again, “You only saw him with her and that doesn’t prove anything. He didn’t cheat on you. He is in love with you. Please talk to him, ask him about it,” Owen says.

I don’t look at him.

“You hurt him, Gwen. If you know Oliver, you know he will never utter a word about it. He could be dying inside but he would not show a single emotion.” Owen said.

I press my palms over my eyes. I can’t stand straight, “What was I supposed to do after what I saw? Should have I waited until he-he-”

I suffocate. “Owen, please don’t give me false hope. Please.”

“I am not giving you false hope. I need you to know the truth,” Owen says.

I stare at him.

“The only person who knows the truth is Oliver. And if you don’t want to talk to him, don’t trust him, then maybe you should—”

Owen stops looking at my face. He sighs.

“You two are so stubborn, so stubborn. On one hand, my brother is hurting but he won’t do anything about it. Then on the other hand is you, who thought a guy like him would do that.” Owen pulls his hair. “You two really deserve each other.”

I wipe my tears. I think of Oliver’s letter.

“Do him and yourself one favor,” Owen says. “Talk to him.”

I glance at him.

“You might be wondering why I care so much. But the truth is Oliver had always been unhappy because of me. He didn’t deserve it. Last time he was dating someone he had to break up thinking I stole his girl,” Owen says, “I just want everything to be alright, Gwen.”

I swallow and finally say, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Owen says, “Sorry you had to miss lunch because of me. But I hope you won’t mind.”

I don’t even listen to what he says.

“And if I ever hurt you, I am sorry I didn’t mean it,” Owen says.

I look at him. “Okay.”

“Good,” Owen says, “I will have to leave for practice now. I hope you know what to do.”

I nod slightly. Owen leaves.

*****

I can’t pay attention to anything. I am floating and my thoughts are revolving around one person.

Oliver Carlson.

If everything Owen said was true, then maybe, maybe-. I try to pay attention to the class. I am trying so hard. But all I want to do is go home and read the letter.

The letter he gave me.

I am scared. I am scared that whatever I am hoping is not right. That somehow I will realize it was a futile try and it would be over, again.

I shake my head and make it through the class. Then another class. Finally I am out of school. It feels like I have been holding my breath for this whole time.

When I am about to leave, I turn around in my way through the hallway.

Oliver is standing in front of his locker. My heart squeezes.

He is moving slowly. He opens his locker and leaves a few books there. Then he zips up his backpack and places the strap over his shoulder. He stares down on the ground.

Then he looks straight at me.

I hold my breath. Our eyes meet and I can’t move. I am frozen. His eyes don’t move from me either.

He looks like he has no emotion. Nothing at all. He looks empty.

I am empty too.

He looks away as if he didn’t even see me.

But then I see him clenching his hands into fists. He storms out of there.

I clutch my heart. It hurts so much. There is this lodge in my throat ever since I lost him. I have pressed all my feelings down and have pretended I am okay.

I am never gonna be okay like this. I know that.

I hope whatever Owen said is true. I hope Oliver never cheated on me. I wish I was wrong. I never wanted to be so wrong in my whole life.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I wipe my tears. And I leave towards the front gate.

I reach home and without doing anything else, I go to my room and get the letter out of my backpack.

I stare at it.

My phone pings with a text message from the phone operator. I glance at my phone.

Oliver said he sent me text messages.

I go through my archives and open them. Instead of seeing the last text, I scroll up to where I have replied last. It was the same day Oliver texted me asking if I have detention and he told me he’ll be waiting for me. Later when I checked them I replied saying, “I wish you had detention too.”

He said, “In your dreams.”

That was the last conversation we had. That was last time I replied.

After that, I saw him in Pop’s.

Gwen

Where are you?

Your phone is silent or the battery ran out.

Will you ever learn?

I went to Pop’s and bought tater tots.

It’s surprising you still don’t reply even after I told you I bought tots.

...

Is this your way of saying no?

That’s the last text he sent.

“Is this your way of saying no?”

I am shaking horribly. I reach for the letter. I need to read it now.

I open it with shaky hands. It’s his handwriting. He wrote me a letter.

Oliver Carlson wrote me a letter.

The same Oliver Carlson who never talks can write a letter, letter to me.

Hey Gwen,

It’s 3 in the morning. I am rubbing my eyes as I am writing this and this is my 30th try as I don’t really know what I am supposed to write or supposed to tell you. I want to tell you the truth.

I am struggling to breathe. My eyes get blurry with tears. They fall on the letter making the paper wet. I read on and I have to cover my mouth so many times holding back my cry.

Oliver Carlson. He loves me. He wrote that.

I never got this letter.

Why did this happen to me? Why?

I wipe my tears. I read the letter again and again. Again and again until I know every word he said. Until I know the truth.

He asked me out to be his girlfriend.

He didn’t only ask me for the dance, he asked me out to be his girlfriend.

He said he wants to go on a midnight adventure with me. He said he will love me forever.

I hug myself as I cry holding the letter.

Is this your way of saying no?

He thought I rejected him. He thought I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be his girlfriend.

I said I loved him.

I also said to him it was a mistake.

*****

“Hey, I need to talk to you for a sec,” I say.

I am in the cafeteria, in the middle of the cafeteria.

I shouldn’t be here. I have a class going on but I am not there. I am here in the middle of the cafeteria in senior lunchtime because I really need to talk to Owen.

And I am standing in front of his table where he sits with all his popular friends.

They are all staring at me.

I don’t know where I found the courage to do this. But I need to do this.

Owen turns to me, “Yes?”

“I need to talk to you for a second about something,” I say.

“Only a second?” A guy asks.

I don’t look at him.

“Well, you won’t be able to do anything in a second,” He suggests in a tone that makes me want to kick him where the sun doesn’t shine.

“Wally,” Owen warns, “It’s not what you think it is.”

Wally laughs, “It’s never what we think it is, is it Chase?”

I glance up hearing that name.

Chase is staring down at his food. He glances up and glares at Wally. Wally raises an eyebrow.

“What went up your ass?” He asks.

I am getting sick of this. So I look at Owen.

He stands up from his chair and nods at me. I turn around and leave the cafeteria.

Owen follows me to the field.

“Okay,” I turn to him as I take a deep breath.

“So?” Owen asks, “What do you want to say?”

“I might be wrong,” I say.

Owen gives me a look, “About?”

“You know what I am talking about Owen,” I say.

Owen raises an eyebrow, “What are we talking about?”

He will make me say it.

“Oliver didn’t cheat on me.” I say.

“I know that already,” Owen says.

“I still need to talk to him about it. But yeah, I think he didn’t,” I say.

“Okay, then go talk to him,” Owen says.

I fiddle with the hem of my shirt. “I don’t know how.”

Owen looks at me. “You don’t know how to talk? You are talking just fine with me.”

I glare at him. “Owen!”

We fall silent after that.

“Alright, you need a situation so you can talk to him,” Owen says.

“Yeah,” I sigh.

“Hmm, what if I throw a party?” Owen says.

“Is there anything in your head other than parties?” I say crossing my arms.

“Hey, my parties are the best,” Owen says, “Besides I saw you two going nasty at my birthday party.”

I have to control the urge to wrap my hand around his throat and squeeze.

I contemplate what he said. A party is not a bad idea.

“But Oliver never comes out of his room,” I mumble.

“Then you can get into his room,” Owen says.

I suddenly remember something.

“Then I will need your help,” I say looking up at Owen. “Ever since I puked in his toilet, he never keeps his door open.”

“You what?” Owen says.

I realize Owen doesn’t know anything about that. So I shrug. Then I say, “I need the key to his room.”

“Sure. You’ll get that,” Owen says.

I nod at him.

I don’t only need to get into Oliver’s room.

I need to get into his washroom because that’s where everything started. And I guess I need to puke again.

*****