“Two eyes of a soul

Two heart in the dark

I held the match and

you held the spark.”

In heart wake, Arrow

- sent by

I insert the key into Oliver’s door. My heart beats rapidly as I hear a click, and the door unlocks. I can hear my heart drumming in my ears.

I slowly open the door without making any sound. I get inside. The room is dark and empty. I look at the closet. Oliver is on the other side of it, in his room, where his robots and computer are.

I take a deep breath. I don’t know what will happen, but I will do my best.

I walk towards the washroom and open the door. I start carrying out my plan. I turn on the tap. Water flows. It’s not enough sound, so I flush. Twice. Maybe I should turn on the shower too. Will that be enough sound?

I fake wretch, loudly enough.

Then I hear footsteps. My heart beats staccato.

Oliver is coming. He is coming.

I hear him opening the closet door. I look down at the floor. I was sitting there that night.

I sit down, placing my hands over my stomach, looking down at my black hoodie. It is the same one I was wearing that night. The night I crashed into this beautiful boy’s life, the boy who loves me.

A tear almost slips from my eyes. I wipe it and wait for him.

The footsteps come closer. Then they stop. I see his shoes.

“What—” Oliver says. He stops abruptly, as soon as he sees me.

I look up. My eyes meet his.

I want to throw myself at him. I want to hug him so tightly, I want to kiss him, so badly that I am physically hurting. My heart squeezes as his eyes meet mine.

“Hi,” I say. My voice trembles. My eyes burn with tears but I hold them back.

Oliver stares at me. He looks as surprised as he can look. He doesn’t make any sound.

“I was just puking here in your toilet,” I say and laugh a little.

“I am Gwen Bradbury. It’s nice to meet you,” I say, sitting there, looking up at him.

Oliver stares at me in reply.

“And you don’t have to tell me who you are,” I say, “because I know that. You are Oliver Carlson and you have been in love with me for 566 days, 4 hours, and 38 minutes.”

I swallow. My throat hurts. I am about to cry.

“And look at me, the love of your life, puking in your toilet. I could never know how you feel about that,” I say. My heart squeezes again.

“And you are flustered and you will tell me to leave because if I don’t, you will pick me up, you’ll hug me, and you’ll tell me everything will be alright. I don’t know you properly yet so that would make you a creep.”

I stand up. Oliver has turned into a statue.

I open the tap in the basin and wash my face. I look at the mirror and I say, “By the way, I flushed, twice, so your washroom won’t smell. But your bed sheets will smell like me, because I am going to sleep there. They will smell like me for a week, and it will make you dream about me. But we won’t talk about that because God knows what you dream about.”

I flush a little. My ears feel hot.

Oliver blinks. There’s that faint pink line over his cheeks.

I walk out of the washroom and look at the bed on my right side. “I will wear a blue dress next time I come to this room, on a party night. That night we will have our first kiss.”

My heart skips a beat.

“I wore the same blue dress almost a year and a half ago, at Doughty’s birthday party. And that was where you saw me first.”

I look at him. Oliver has no expression on his face. It seems like he is holding his breath.

“I laughed like I had no care in the world. You stared at me and you couldn’t look away.” I gulp.“Then, at that moment, I stole your heart right out of your chest, because you weren’t careful at all.”

Oliver leans against the door of the washroom, gazing at me.

“Later when we meet, I will proceed to ask you where your heart is. And you will tell me it’s already gone, it’s not there with you. Because I already stole it, like a thief. Little will I know that. So, it will be ironic,” I say, holding back my tears, “and you will secretly roll your eyes at me.”

“And just so you know,” I look behind at Oliver. His eyes look a little red.

“I am going to fall down right now. Because I am a little bit drunk and I think the floor is moving. Will you catch me?” I say.

Oliver takes a step towards me. He doesn’t say a word.

I look forward, take a deep breath, and let myself go.

Not even a second after, I feel Oliver’s arms wrapping around me, almost like a reflex. It’s his reflex to catch me whenever I fall.

Oliver holds me tightly. He doesn’t let me go.

I say, “I will fall right into you. There will be no warnings. I will let myself go completely, not even thinking twice. I will fall, thinking you’ll catch me every single damn time.”

I turn around in his arms. My tears didn’t listen to me. They are streaming down my cheeks.

“And it was no mistake when I told you that I love you. Because I do. I have been loving you just as much as you love me. Maybe more than you love me. I am crazy, and I don’t care about my heart. I may have stolen yours. I might be a thief, but you are a bigger one, Oliver Carlson,” I say as my lips tremble. I choke on my tears.

I feel free, like a weight has lifted off me. I feel like I finally have freedom.

Oliver swallows. I can see tears in the corner of his eyes.

“I am going to kiss you right now, and if you don’t kiss me ba—”

Before I can finish my sentence, Oliver Carlson crashes his lips on mine. He is already kissing me.

I break into tears as I cup his cheeks and kiss him back. Oliver kisses me so hard that it makes me forget my own name, and I don’t care at all. I kiss him back the same way.

I am a mess. My tears stream, my breath hitches, and my heart beats erratically. I am so in love with this boy that it hurts.

When we pull back I hold him for support. I need him like air to breathe.

I hear our mutual silence, and I melt into his chest. My heart slowly calms down finding its home.

“You love me,” Oliver whispers.

“Yes, I do,” I say.

Oliver squeezes my shoulders, hugging me even tighter.

“I love you too,” he whispers.

It’s like heaven to my ears.

I lean back and look at him. I still have to ask him a question. I have to know about things.

“But then I saw you with another girl,” I say. I don’t want to ruin this, but I have to.

“You saw me with—?” Oliver says in confusion.

“The day of winter formal,” I look down, “I saw you with a girl. At Pop’s. She was about to kiss you, Oliver.”

I look around, not wanting to meet his eyes.

“Gwen,” Oliver says. He takes a step forward. “Gwen, you thought I—”

“If it was me with another guy, and he was about to kiss me,” I say, “what would you have done, Oliver?”

Oliver opens his mouth to say something, then closes it.

“Gwen, I would never—” Oliver shakes his head. “I would never, even in my nightmares, think of doing that.”

Oliver lifts my chin up making me look at him. “Is that why you—”

“Yes,” I say.

“Gwen,” Oliver says. He wipes my tears with his thumb. “I wanted to tell you everything.”

“You can tell me everything now,” I say with my voice shaking. “I am here to listen.”

Oliver says, “Gwen, that day before the dance I was waiting for you to say something, anything. I was stressed so I thought I should go to Pop’s and get some tots.”

“And while I was waiting for my order, she came my way. My ex-girlfriend, Scarlett King.”

I look down at my shoes.

“And I thought I needed to know whether or not what Owen said was true.”

“Gwen, I dated Scarlett for a month and a half, and throughout the time, I thought what was I even doing with her? I honestly didn’t know. At first, it was okay. But then she started complaining about how I was not this and that, how I didn’t do fun stuff, how I was not like other guys, and things like that.”

I clench my hands into fists.

“And then one day I found her with Owen. She told me Owen was the one who wanted to kiss her. She blamed Owen. And I—” Oliver shakes his head.

“I was too angry with Owen to think it through. It looked like it, and Owen didn’t even protest. He waited for my reaction.”

Oliver looks down. “I thought he did it.”

I sigh.

“Scarlett and I broke up not long after. So, that day when she suddenly sat beside me and started acting like nothing had happened between us,” Oliver says, “I thought I would never get another chance to ask if it was her or Owen.”

“I needed to take it,” Oliver reasons.

“You smiled at her,” I say. I sound ridiculous. But it’s Oliver I am talking about. I don’t see him smiling at everyone.

I know I sound insane, but it means something to me. His every little expression means something to me. Oliver doesn’t give away his emotions like that. I know that. It took me so much time to get that close to him, when he would laugh with me, when he would smile at me.

“Did I?” Oliver asks as if he didn’t know.

I stay silent.

Oliver places his hands on my shoulders. “I was talking about you, Gwen.”

I blink. He what?

“You were talking about me to your ex?” I ask.

“She was acting like she was my old friend, and she asked me if I have anyone in my life,” Oliver says looking at me. “And I knew there was someone important in my life. So I thought, why wouldn’t I let her know that I have someone who is the most amazing person I could have.”

I swallow.

“So I was telling her how I have met a girl named Gwen, how she’s changed everything,” Oliver says, “and how crazy she is about tots.”

“She stole your tots,” I say.

“I didn’t let her take more than one,” Oliver states. “As if I would.”

I don’t want to remind myself what she did next, and I think Oliver understands that.

“Then she—” Oliver closes his eyes. “I pushed her away, Gwen.”

“And that’s when I knew Owen was right. He didn’t do anything. Even after I told Scarlett that I have you, it didn’t stop her from doing that,” Oliver says. “And I realized maybe I was wrong all along.”

I don’t look at his eyes.

Oliver chuckles a little. “And you know what I said when I pushed her?”

I glance at him.

“I said, Hey, I have a girlfriend!”

My lips break into a smile involuntarily. “And my mind went Gwen hasn’t said yes yet.”

Oliver stares at me. “And it was true. You hadn’t said yes yet.”

“I—” I stutter.

“I was anxious. I wondered what was taking you so long. I wondered if you had even gotten my letter. The night was getting closer, so I got ready. Even without having any reply from your side. ” Oliver exhales. “I went to your house. I met your dad. I went to school, and then I saw you.”

I don’t know what to say.

“In that red dress,” Oliver says. He gives my shoulder a little squeeze.

“You looked so...” It feels like Oliver has run out of words. I feel warm.

“Gwen, you looked so beautiful,” Oliver says.

God, please. Stop. Oliver.

I press my eyes shut.

“And you didn’t even look at me,” Oliver says. “You walked away, Gwen.”

I take his hands. “I thought—”

“You said you got my message. You said it was a mistake, telling me you loved me.”

Oliver almost steps back, but I don’t let him. “And I finally got it.”

I shake my head. “You didn’t.”

“I got what you meant to say. I thought I overwhelmed you. I thought you didn’t want this.”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Yes,” Oliver says and looks away.

“And then the school closed. It was winter break and every day turned into torture.” Oliver whispers, “I have never been in love before, Gwen. So I didn’t have any idea what heartbreak is like.”

I shake my head. “Oliver.”

“It was torture. Everything was torture without you.”

“So was it for me,” I say.

“And then school opened up and I was this mess. But, you...” Oliver looks at me. “You looked so great and so strong, like nothing had happened.”

I wipe my eyes.

“And I saw you with Chase Emerson,” Oliver says. “Once again.”

“I saw you talking to him, ” Oliver say., “And then I got to know you went out on a date with him.”

I squeeze his hand.

“I thought I know why she said no to me,” Oliver says.

“You are so wrong,” I say, and I step in front of him.

I place my hands on his cheeks. “So wrong.”

“I was broken, I was—” I shake my head. “After I saw you with Scarlett, I thought-I was... I was so gone that I had stopped living, Oliver.”

“And I found the strength to still hold on somehow. I did hold on. But I pretended that I never knew you. Everything else in my life fell back on track, but when it came to you, I pretended you didn’t exist.”

“Because I was not ready to deal with the heartbreak. Because I wasn’t ready to go through it. So I pressed all my feelings down and pretended I was fine,” I say. “I drowned myself in my work and went on.”

“And then one day Chase Emerson asked me out. I was about to say no,” I say. “And then I saw you and I thought I needed to show you that I can do it, too. If you can go out with some other girl, I need to go out too. It was so stupid.”

Oliver shakes his head no.

“Yeah, it was stupid. I did it anyway. But—” I swallow, “it was horrible Oliver. I couldn’t even let him hold my hand. I felt like I was doing something wrong when I was with him, even when I thought you cheated on me. I couldn’t let him get close to me.”

Oliver stares at me.

“You ruined me,” I accuse.

Oliver wraps his arms around me.

*****