“You are the death of me.You are the storm breaking my walls. You are the dream.”

- something Oliver Carlson will never say out loud.

Hey Gwen,

It’s 3 in the morning. I am rubbing my eyes as I am writing this, and this is my 30th try, as I don’t really know what I am supposed to write or supposed to tell you. I want to tell you the truth. The truth that has been lodged in my throat, the truth that changes everything for you and me. Maybe I am so scared to tell you because it has been forever. I have become so used to hiding my feelings and suppressing the truth that every time I attempt to tell you ,the words don’t get past the barrier of my mouth. I swear to God, Gwen, I really, really want you to know. I need you to know.

Ever since you have known me, you saw the real me. It’s me, the guy who doesn’t talk, who doesn’t share his opinions, who doesn’t smile, who doesn’t respond or get affected by anything that happens around him. I am not fun. I am a mess. I am not someone who has good looks, and heck, when I stand next to my brother, I look like trash. That’s me, and you have known that since day one.

But Gwen, I don’t know how you still look at me with those distractingly beautiful brown eyes of yours with the look of… I don’t know how to explain that, but you just do. You make me come out of my shell and go out with you at midnight, make me ride on a ferris wheel with you and want to take a swim. Even when you see my robots and what a geek I am, you still look at me like I am someone, someone likeable. Even when I strip in front of you just after you get flashed by my perfect brother, you look at me like I am the one who’s perfect.

Gwen, I am warning you that I am not. I don’t know what you think of me, but at the end of the day, when I look at you, I think I don’t deserve you. I think, what did I do to get that beautiful smile from you? I don’t know how you found me and crashed into my life like that.

But I know something. Without you, everything would be empty. I might not have feelings. I might not have a heart, but without you, I would be an empty shell.

It was almost one and a half years ago. It was Doughty’s birthday party. I was forced to go by Jason, and I was hating every single second of it. I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship, and my thoughts on love and trust and everything about it was on the edge. I was becoming someone who’d rather stay away from everyone else on earth and only let someone in if it was very, very necessary.

Gwen, my mom and dad had gotten divorced, and I had seen how bad my mother had suffered because she loved my dad. And I hated the idea of falling for someone, the idea of being so vulnerable towards someone, the idea of giving my heart to someone and worse, trusting them with everything I’ve got.

I hated everything.

At the party, I was standing in one corner, minding my own business, not giving a single damn about the people around me. I was shutting everyone out, as usual. Jason was trying to get me to talk to people, but at one point he gave up. I was angry, and I was about to leave.

Then I heard you laugh. As you know, the sounds from this stupid outside world don’t reach me, but for some reason that did. It was not a fake laugh, not someone who’s laughing uncontrollably because they are drunk. No, it was you laughing your heart out because you were genuinely happy.

Do you even have any idea how you glow when you are happy? Your eyes crinkle around the corners, and they shine. You look like an angel, maybe better than that. I haven’t seen angels, but I have seen you.

I turned around and I saw you standing there in that blue dress, laughing with your eyes crinkled and your lips stretched and the little strands of your hair flying in the gentle wind.

I never knew what it was like to fall. But I was falling and falling and falling.

I am falling to this day.

I never knew what it was like to love. I never knew what it was like to have that feeling in your chest, in your heart. like it’s going to stop abruptly, like it’s running out of oxygen to breathe. I never knew I had a heart.

Then I knew you.

And you, right after I found my heart, I lost it again because you, you thief stole it right there and then, and do I have to tell you I didn’t see that coming? Do I have to tell you I wasn’t prepared at all?

That is what I have been telling you all this time, but you have no clue and I have the chance to secretly roll my eyes at you. (I win.)

Gwen, I don’t believe in love at first sight. As it happened, I completely ignored what I felt. I also saw the guy standing next to you and I thought, of course she has a boyfriend, because why wouldn’t a beautiful girl like her have a boyfriend? And I was jealous, so fucking jealous that I didn’t even confess that to myself.

So I tried my best to ignore you. I would see you here and there, in my classes, in the cafeteria, in the parking lot, in the field, in the bookstore. I would see you everywhere I went. And every time I saw you, I had to remind myself, Oliver, look away. What is wrong with you?

But it is safe to say you never saw the weird guy looking at you from afar and forgetting to eat his lunch or totally forgetting what book he was going to buy. And just so you know, I don’t forget things that easily. It was all your fault.

One year passed. I would still see you. But something about you had changed. I would always see you by yourself. For some reason, none of your friends were with you anymore. I wondered what happened, heck, I wanted to ask you what was going on, but I was just a stranger. And a weird one at that.

I saw you crying to yourself at the back of the school one day. I had never in my life felt such an urge to hug someone and tell them it’s going to be okay. I was about to, about to reach you, and I didn’t give a damn that you didn’t even know who I was. But then, Gwen Bradbury, you wiped your tears and you stood up. There was this hard look on your face. With your head held high and no remnant of your tears on your face, you strode out. And I wondered how little I actually knew about you, and I wondered how strong you were. I wondered if, when time came, you’d be the one holding me tight.

But it was a vague dream until it became a reality.

Yeah, Ms. Goddess of Entrance, I found you, out of all places, throwing up in my washroom.

You looked at me and you saw me and I could see the thousand thoughts running inside your head, but none of them would ever be the same as mine.

I thought, it’s Gwen, she’s here. I thought, but why is she here? Why does she look like that? Why does she look like she has been crying a lot, like she doesn’t even know what she is doing, like she has no idea about what’s happening with her, like she is just floating?

God, I wanted to pick you up from the floor, wrap my arms around you, hug you tight, and tell you, I am here and it will be fine. You will make it, you are okay.

That would have made me such a creep, huh? Considering the fact that you couldn’t remember my name.

And I don’t know how to explain this, but my brain went to default and it screamed, shut her out, close the gates, strengthen the walls, and never let her in.Tell her to get out of here or else you will be the one pulling her in.

And like the sadistic stupid I am, I did. I told you to get out, although that was the last thing I wanted.

But you, you didn’t care. You did exactly the opposite. You got clean, you walked out of the washroom in no hurry, and you almost fell. I had to catch you. I held you a little bit tighter, a little bit longer than necessary, but you didn’t notice. You sat on my bed, in my bedroom and asked me, asked me to be your one night stand.

I really wondered how much I knew you. I really wondered how many drinks you had had downstairs, and although I am a really logical person, at the end of the day I am sixteen and I have stupid hormones and trust me, they almost convinced me to say yes because some part of me knew I would never get another chance.

But Gwen, I couldn’t say yes. Because I thought, some day. Some day you will be here again, and it won’t be one night. But I didn’t know how I’d make sure that happened.

I left you by yourself and hid in my room, where I paced back and forth with all these questions in my head, where I couldn’t shut my eyes to sleep because there were only two walls separating us and you were in my bedroom sleeping in my bed, and that’s as close to you I would ever get.

Then when I had to, really had to come out of my room, I stared at you sleeping in my bed like an angel.

You should be happy that I have such a huge amount of self control, that I didn’t just wrap my arms around you and stay there. I fled. I know what a coward I am.

After that day, Gwen Bradbury, you never left.

Let me tell you something and with good warning.

As you didn’t leave when you had a choice, before our lives got entwined and you took my hand and kissed me—

You are not allowed to leave. At all. Ever. You are stuck. Forever. With me. Deal with that if you can. I dare you, and I know you love challenges and you love to win. We will see how you win this, how you stand me day after day, this brooding boring guy, this geek, day after day.

It’s going to be a challenge of a lifetime, and you are not allowed to lose, ever. I won’t let you.

Gwen, you told me you love me. I am someone who takes things seriously, and I took that very seriously. So, as you said you love me, you need to know this.

I love you.

I have been in love with you for 521 days, 7 hours, 33 minutes and counting, and I will keep counting until the end of time.

Also, mathematically speaking, no matter how much you love me, I will always be ahead of you. You can never beat me at that. Ever.

Gwen, I didn’t believe in love. I didn’t believe in soulmates, I didn’t believe in love at first sight. I didn’t believe in unicorns and I hated tater tots.

Gwen, I am in love with you, and I am falling every single day. I am so aware of my every heartbeat when you are around, the heart of mine that only you know where it is. I believe in God-forbid unicorn poops, and I am willing to forget everything I know and trust everything you say.

Gwen, I am going to overwhelm you. I won’t leave you room to breathe. With me it will be space, no air, just me and me. I won’t leave you alone for a second. And I will love you, love you and keep loving and make you tired of it, but sadly you have no choice. You are mine.

And although it’s very long and this is my 30th try and it’s half past four now and I am considering writing another letter if I have to because you are worth every single second of it, I need to ask you something.

Will you be my girlfriend, Gwen Bradbury?

I won’t promise you much. I hate breaking them. So I will only promise to give you the things I really can. I can buy you tater tots, I can buy you unicorn poops. I can go out at midnight with you and almost get killed. I can ride on a ferris wheel with you, even if it means I am freezing in fear, but you are looking so beautiful that you make me forget my fear. I can take a swim with you in that godforsaken lake. Only God knows if there’s any crocodile or snake in it, but I don’t care. If you jump in, I am jumping too. I can sit on a floor of a bookstore. and I can take a thousand guitar lessons from you and learn how to play the chords finally and, Gwen, by guitar lesson, I mean guitar lesson. Get out of the gutter you are in right now.

So, will you?

Let me know.

Oliver

P.S. oh and as it happens we have a winter formal coming up and I want to dance with you all night long and for God’s sake please say YES. pLEASE I WILL BUY YOU THE WHOLE POPS and i will give you every unicorn poop i can find in the country

P.S.S i am crazy about you, do you know that? Its 5 am my brain is not working

P.S.S.T. my bedsheet smelled like you longer than it should. Might be because of your hair. It smelled like your shampoo and we will never talk about the dreams I had sleeping there. But that doesnt mean I can show you what dreams i had.

Okay i should stop writing

am i really going to give this to you

*****

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