Though Ellette was a secretive person, she was adaptable. Living in another person's space, with other people, was simply part of her life. Her secrets were internal, her privacy the black spaces in her own mind, her escape the realm of sleep. Living on Rand's pull out couch for the better part of a year wasn't the easiest of arrangements, but it worked for them.

Even so, she rarely trespassed on the privacy of his sanctuary, his room, unless invited. The kitchen, the living room, and of course the bathroom, were shared territory. His small single room was his and his alone.

When she stood in the doorway to speak to him, she fidgeted nervously.

"We really should get a larger place." He was saying as he folded and put away clothes. Her clothing occupied the drawers of the massive, wheeled coffee table. She nodded absently, her eyes darting around the room, then back down to her feet. "I've got enough saved up for a deposit, and your work is steady enough, we should be able to afford it," he continued.

She had to admit, she was relieved he wasn't suggesting she get her own place. "Yeah, but I like it here..." she muttered, shifting from foot to foot.

"You have no space of your own, it’s not fair," he turned to her.

She leaned on the doorway, avoiding eye contact.

"Ellette?" he prompted.

She shook her head, the idea of change scared her. This tiny apartment was safe, she was content here. "I don't mind."

Rand sighed and sat on the bed, patting the spot next to him.

She hesitated.

"Come on, come sit." he coaxed.

She shook her head.

He got to his feet and went to her, pulling her into the room by a hand. He settled back onto the bed but left her standing. She shifted, raising her gaze to the chest of drawers and the photos that lined the top of it. Rand's past life was documented there: A younger Rand, hair cropped short with a little boy in his arms; he and a beautiful young woman at the grand canyon; an older woman that resembled Rand in the eyes; and a large photo of a round-faced baby.

How he could stand to look at any of them was beyond her. The boy and young woman were gone, one dead, one estranged. The older woman Ellette assumed was his mother, but she didn't dare ask. She sighed heavily and dropped her eyes again, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"I don't want to... I don't want to jinx it, us," she explained after a while.

"Well, I've had my eye out for a new place, but I won't make a move until you're ready. No pressure, but you will come look if I find one I like, right?"

She nodded and let herself fall back on the bed, staring up at the cracked ceiling. "You know, the dreams have all but stopped," she said softly. "I kind of like it." A change of subject seemed to be in order.

He stared down at her silently. She closed her eyes, her hands folded on her stomach.

"Oh?" he said after a long moment.

She nodded, and the silence stretched between them. "Yeah, it's kind of peaceful to just sleep. Though, I do know better." She sighed. "I know better than to hope that this is permanent. I know it won't go away that easily..."

The warmth of his hand encircled hers. "I'll be here to watch over you." His voice was soft, and he hesitated to add, "as long as you're here."

She sat up and threw her arms around him. Face buried into his chest, she fought down the thunder of her heart and did her best not to flinch when his hands settled gently on her back. Everywhere he touched burned with heat, but in a good way, and she let herself relax into his embrace. It hurt to breathe but otherwise felt good.

Rand was gentle, she could trust him. She knew it implicitly, but there were things she needed to tell him. Triggers he would need to know. Luckily, simply because of his cautious nature, said triggers had not been an issue, and she highly doubted they would be. She never imagined him being rough with her, being like him.

The therapists had told her how to deal with such things, she'd heard all about it in group, but she had never thought she'd heal enough to reach this point. Healing what was broken within her had never seemed possible. She'd never imagined finding someone who would make her feel this way.

He stroked her hair, and she shivered. His hand froze in mid-motion, settling back safely on her back. She smiled into his chest, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She only held onto him tighter. Her past, the memories wouldn't steal this from her. There were new memories in the making, and these would be happy. She was determined.

After a long while of inhaling the clean scent of his clothes, the slight musk of his skin, the tears receded and she relaxed fully into his embrace. The slow, calming, circular motion of his warm hand on her back did not cause her to shiver or flinch. She pulled away slightly to stare up at his face, to ponder the features and urges she'd struggled with for some time now. She wanted to kiss those lips, but fear, anxiety, and profound inexperience held her back.

He'd been married, had a child, had so much more life experience than she. She was a soiled, tarnished wisp of a thing: skinny, awkward, and so very broken. Would he laugh at her clumsy kiss? Sure she'd been kissed, but rarely by choice and never by someone she cared for. Not in this way. Kisses led to sex, or so the media had told her. Experience told her that sex was intrinsically linked to violence. She knew it wasn't normal, that it wasn't right, but she couldn't help it. It was how she'd been trained.

She fought down these thoughts and put her hand at the back of his neck, pulling ever so slightly to bring his head down to hers. He was so warm, so inviting, so strong in a way the ghost was not. Rand never smelled of alcohol, cigarettes, or mildew. His hands weren't rough and dirty and cruel. His eyes weren't an icy, hard blue that lusted for violence and to break her very soul. He wasn't angry and loud and hateful. Rand was none of these things.

But he was still a man, and so very close. She closed her eyes and their foreheads touched. She could feel his eyes on her, searching for the sign she didn't know how to give. Was it okay? Would a kiss be too much? A violation of trust, or a strengthening of bonds?

His fingers lighted on her cheek, exploring the skin in feather-soft motions. She leaned into the warmth of the gentle caress, tilting her face up to his even further. Surely their lips would touch any moment, she prayed that he'd take the next move. His breath was hot on her face and smelled of minty toothpaste. She smiled, and he took that as the sign.

Warm and petal-soft, the moist caress of his lips on hers was just that: a soft caress, no more invasive than the fingers still lightly pressed to her cheek. Emotion crashed over her then, and she pulled him down again, hungry for more, smashing their lips together once more. Then with a gasp, she pulled fiercely back. The tears came in full force, and she hid her face in her hands.

His hands were on her shoulders, his voice in her ears; pleading and begging, apologizing. She could only shake her head and flung herself into his arms once more. It was too much, but not as she had expected. There was no fear, no torment, no horror; just overwhelming emotion, undefinable, yet warm. She wasn't wracked with sobs, not shuddering with terror, yet the tears still fell, like a dam had been opened.

The rumble of his voice broke through in bits and pieces. She eventually realized he was singing as he stroked her back.

"What are you singing?" she asked, her voice muffled in the cloth of his shirt.

He laughed softly, relieved. "A song I used to sing to my son, a favorite of mine."

She nodded and turned her head so her ear rested against his chest, listening to the thump of his heart.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, feeling exhausted and yet relaxed. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm... I'm such a mess."

He kissed the top of her head. "It's fine, Ellette. I..." he trailed off, resting his cheek against the top of her head. She squeezed her eyes closed, doing her best to relish the moment.

"I get overwhelmed," she managed finally. "But not... not in a bad way."

They'd shared few such moments, the last being when she'd pulled him into the dreamworld. She'd been so exhausted, so her thoughts on survival. Most of all, her feelings for Rand had not fully manifested until that moment. They'd comforted one another, but they'd only been friends. Friends were safe. Friends and nothing more. It was the element of more that complicated things.

"Let’s go somewhere," Rand suggested after a while.

Nearly lulled to sleep by the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, she mumbled, "Like where?"

He shrugged and loosed his arms from around her. She frowned, missing his warmth already.

"A walk in the park? Get some ice cream?"

She sighed as she pulled back from him, looking up into his face once more. He was undeniably handsome, eyes lined with dark, thick lashes, a strong nosed that she rather fancied, a dimpled chin, and those full lips. She felt rise to her cheeks as she realized she was staring at them, wondering if she was brave enough to attempt another taste of them.

She looked away and climbed to her feet, "Ice cream would be nice, I'll get my boots..." she paused in the doorway to glance back at him.

He smiled at her, and her heart skipped a beat. She laughed and shook her head before moving to the living room.

The park was crowded, as it often was on such warm, beautiful nights. Ellette was content to walk hand in hand with Rand, as they so often did of late. They went to the ice cream parlor down the street, on the more upscale side of the park. Children were screaming and playing in the arcade while their world-weary parents sat and gossiped.

It was a trendy sort of place; they served dairy-free, soy-free, and other exotic ice cream concoctions along with a large selection of beers and wine. After staring at the menu for a good long time, Ellette decided on the sugary plum wine while Rand opted for the coconut mint cone. They sat on the large patio in the back where the twinkle of stars was barely visible past the glare of street lamps.

"Want some?" Rand offered, a spoon full of ice cream held out to her.

Ellette shook her head. "Don't think it will go well with the wine..." she smiled, slowly savoring the dessert drink.

"Didn't know you liked wine."

She shook her head. "I don't really. Dani loved plum wine, though. She usually drank it with curry, her reasoning was that the alcohol cut through the spices."

He nodded. "She was right, water wouldn't do a thing, milk only helps a little, but alcohol will cool your tongue, guaranteed." He raised an eyebrow at her. "But we didn't order anything spicy."

She shrugged. "I saw it on the menu, made me think of her. I couldn't resist."

He studied the cone in front of him. It was beginning to melt around the edges, pooling in the paper cup he had set it upside down in, the cone sticking up at an angle. He rubbed his neck absently.

Everything had gotten so awkward between them, every little thing provoked these uncomfortable silences. Ellette frowned and sipped at her drink, refusing to over-think it, to worry. "Besides, I thought I could stand to relax a little. I've been wound so tight lately." She added with a long sigh.

They finished their deserts in silence. Once out on the street again, Ellette realized that the wine had gone to her head. She'd hardly eaten, she rarely did, and she never drank. Her cheeks burned as she took Rand's arm to steady herself. She felt the fool, Rand had clearly wanted to say something, to caution her.

"If we had a car, I'd suggest a drive. The night is so clear, it would be nice to get away from the lights to see the stars," Rand mused as they made their way back to their rundown apartment building.

"The meadow, at the center of the park, is about the best option," Ellette added, wishing, not for the first time, she had her motorcycle.

Without a word, he guided her onto the park path. The gravel crunched noisily beneath them, and she shivered in the shadow of the trees. Leeson Avenue Park wasn't the safest of places at night, and she wondered at his courage coming here so late in the evening. She'd spent several nights in this place, but she was streetwise and desperately fearless. With Rand, though, she felt more cautious, knowing that it was no longer her life alone they were putting at risk.

She clung to him more fiercely, fishing in her pocket for the comforting cool of the metal cylinder. Self-defense training and a bottle of pepper spray would only go so far in the real world. There was no waking up from this reality. "Are you sure?" she whispered, pausing as they left the lit walkway.

His chuckle was a low, soft rumble. "My fearless heroine is afraid of a dark meadow?"

She smiled up at him and he brushed her hair from her forehead, catching her cheek in a soft caress. She closed her eyes, leaning into his palm. "I'm afraid of something happening to you," she murmured before she could stop herself.

"We'll be fine," he reassured her with a kiss on the forehead and turned to pull her out into the clearing. The grass was already faintly moist, and when he sat down in the middle of the field, she hesitated once more. "I always loved stargazing as a kid," he told her.

She crouched beside him.

He shook his head at her and laid back on the dew damp grass. “You can’t enjoy the stars like that,” he told her, putting his hands behind his head.

“The grass is wet!”

“So?” He chuckled. “You’ve been through a lot worse than a wet backside.” He sat up, putting a hand on her shoulder, tentative at first. When she didn’t resist, he drew her down onto the grass beside him. He cradled her head on his shoulder, half protecting her from the wet ground. Ellette sighed and let herself enjoy the moment. Being so near someone, a man especially, just a few years ago would have been too much. Rand, though, he was comfort. He was peace.

Staring up at the sky, only half listening as Rand pointed out the faint constellations overhead, she wondered if she would heal enough to be with him in the way he wanted her to be. For the first time, it seemed possible. She sat up at this revelation. She wasn't afraid of him, she wasn't afraid of this. No, she needed this, she needed the chance to heal, to be normal.

"What?" he asked, rising to his elbows as she sat staring into the trees.

She shook her head and grinned, turning to him. "Nothing... well, something... but..." without hesitation, she leaned down and kissed him full on the lips. There was no backlash, no intense emotion. Just a kiss, and it felt amazing.