Seems like you finally got some sleep, from the looks of you. But you’re still quiet, huh? Brought you breakfast again. Maybe you’ll actually feel inclined to eat it this time.

Anyway, I was heading home, shivering and clutching my bare arms like some sort of sad orphan - “Please, kind sir, could I ‘ave a scrap o’ bread?” is what I must’ve looked like; never been there, though, never resorted to begging, even at my family’s most destitute; Aunt Ilda instilled enough pride in me to keep me from going that low - and it was raining just a little bit, could feel a layer of mist on my hair. Walked all the way home, all six miles or so.

That little black box looked different. Quieter. I got this feeling in my gut, and I didn’t wanna go through the double doors. Too loud, felt like something was waiting for me to go in there. So I went around the side, unlocked the backdoor, barely hanging by its hinges. And yeah, I guess my gut feeling was right to some degree, ‘cause I heard voices inside. Voices I knew, though. Felt the dread lift, that feeling that’d been pulling me into the floor like there was still a whole crowd of assholes nearly trampling me. It was Morji, Celi, Kaels, Jol, but I also heard Kar. Made his way back here somehow or other; I don’t think Celi ever really registered what Kar was up to, still saw him as that kid we went to high school with; must’ve pulled him back here.

“I never meant for it to happen that way,” he was saying. His voice was this very controlled sort of sad. “He came after me. He’d shot up everything he was supposed to sell, I learned later. I didn’t have a choice. I had my gun on me, so I did the only thing I could do to protect myself. That’s when she contacted me: Lanu. She said she’d been watching me, that I was a prodigy, that I could’ve been a philosopher if I’d been born in a different place.”

“You sapio fucks.” Kaels mumbled. “You think you’re special ‘cause the elves took you in. Think you’re so much better than everyone ‘cause you can move shit around on a screen, but really you’re just gullible and they’re using you.”

Celi snapped at him. “Kaels, please.” A moment of silence followed.

“Still doesn’t explain how ya ended up peddlin’ Corn,” Morji said. I waited in the wings with my ear turned towards the hall; I looked out onto the dark stage, full of all the stuff we didn’t have space for in the hall or in the back. “Look, guys, we can’t keep sittin’ here while Raena’s still out there. Don’t matter what she’s gotten ‘erself into. Gotta go lookin’ for ‘er. Know yer scared but come on.”

Kar ignored him. “I didn’t want to sell drugs. She made me, Lanu did.”

“Fuckin’ bullshit if ya’ask me, coulda made a run for it. Not fun, bein’ a fugitive. Beats workin’ for Cypher, though.” I heard a disapproving grunt, shuffling feet, stairs creaking. “Betcha didn’t wanna smash ‘is face in, either, guy who shot up the place, but ya still went n’ did it.” Watched him go backstage from the opposite side of all the boxes and shit. I considered calling out to him, but I also didn’t want to reveal myself to the others, not with Kar there. He caught my eye and I shot a finger up to my lips, signaled him to stay quiet. He looked wary, unnerved, but he didn’t call out. Guess even after he saw me slinking around, talking to Kar at the club he had enough trust in me to shut up when I told him to shut up.

“But tonight,” Kar continued, “tonight was my breaking point. I’m not going back there. I mean it earnestly. I genuinely abhor Cypher.” I ventured a little further toward the hall; descended the stairs halfway, could see Celi and Kar sitting on the couch. She was rubbing his back all gentle, looking at him with this saccharine fuckin’ pity in her eyes. He looked like a stick next to her heavyset figure, all veins and bones. The brothers were sitting opposite; they’d pulled up chairs and their backs were turned to me. Myashu was perched in Jol’s lap.

Kaels was fiddling with the chip guitar I’d been working with. Had it turned way low but he was messing with the rune I made earlier. “Why’d you say it like that?”

“Why’d I say what like what?” Kar shot back.

“You know, why’d you say it like, you ‘genuinely abhor Cypher?’ Coulda said, ‘I fuckin’ hate those guys.’”

Kar’s knee was going up and down like a motor. Just bursting with nervous energy. “What? What’s wrong with that?”

“Never mind, just forget it.”

“I’m just speaking my mind. This is how I talk. I’m too upset to censor myself for you, and even if I wasn’t, why would I?”

“Just let it go, man.” Kaels looked over at his brother, then back to Kar. I considered stepping out, decided against it. “You know what Raena was up to?” Good decision.

“I can’t be sure, but I have an idea. I think she hates me for joining Cypher. We were close in high school; we almost got together romantically, but it never worked out.” He got this little smile, reminiscing on shit that never happened. “When she saw Groth at the -”

“Never told me about you,” Celi said. “I mean, never said she had a thing for you. Didn’t know you had a thing for her, either. I’m not doubting you, just -”

Kar ignored her. “When she went to see Groth at the bar, I think she bribed him into trying to kill me.”

Jol piped up for the first time. “That’s a big accusation, I mean -”

“But it all makes sense, doesn’t it? She regrets never having confessed to me, and she’s angry at me for never having confessed to her. And now I’m in with Cypher, so she’s scared of me. She thinks I’m unreachable. But I’m the only person she knows who knows anything about magic, and that’s painful for her, because she knows magic too, and she feels like nobody else is good enough.” Celi shot an uncomfortable grimace to Jol. “I’m not saying knowing magic makes you superior. After all, it’s just runes on a screen. But that’s how she feels.”

“Obsessed with that shit back when,” Celi confirmed.

“So,” Kar went on, “after she saw me carry out Cypher’s orders, she doesn’t know what to feel. She feels conflicted inside. She borrowed money from me, you know. She claimed it was to buy new equipment for your band. But she turned right around and gave it to Groth and told him to kill me. We all saw her talking to him. She’s an intelligent girl, astute; she knew Groth was angry at me for what Cypher did, so she knew he would do it. ‘If I can’t have you, no one will.’”

Jol shuffled in his chair. “I think we’re all a little traumatized. I think we should -”

My heart was fucking pounding. I was sweating a little too - god, why was I always sweating? Just constantly, twenty-four hours a day - and I wanted to punch him. Just give him one straight to his mouth, make him choke on his own teeth. I mean I should’ve done it a lot earlier, just railed on him back at Groth’s bar just like I saw myself doing, and just let what happened happen after that. I probably would’ve felt a lot better about myself that way. Wouldn’t’ve been watching him make my friends suck up to him in my own house.

So I stepped out and was like, “I’m right here.” Never realized how much shit echoed in that place until I projected like that; usually I was pretty quiet, and the place was pretty quiet too, so it’s not like Morji and I had to yell to hear each other. But Kar went white-faced, sat a little rigid, like I had when I was sitting in that car of his. Or Cypher’s car, whatever. And the brothers turned around too, looked at me like I was a stranger. Celi refused to meet my eyes; she did me a kindness that way, actually. “I’m right here, Kar.”

“Raena.” Still didn’t like him saying my name. “You’ve got a lot to explain. I want to talk to you. Alone.”

“No, you’ll talk to me here.”

“Go with him, Raena,” Celi said softly. “We’ve all been through a lot. Poor guy’s just looking for anything to help him feel better.” She shot an apologetic glance my way, finally looked me in the eyes. I couldn’t help but wince. I didn’t think she could’ve believed his godawful spin on the story, but they all saw me go up to Groth and I guess having some basic goddamn empathy was unheard of, and I guess it was a stupid idea anyway since he didn’t want it and someone else ran off with the money when everyone was tryna get outta the club.

Kar got up, beckoned for me to come with him, this jerky motion of his head that looked like a threat. I followed him, right back out of the building, out the double doors. Fuck, should’ve gotten a jacket, a real jacket, when I was in there, ‘cause it was still raining out and it was starting to hail by then, I think. Just a little bit. The street outside was so quiet; everything out here was abandoned. All commercial shit, was supposed to be an entertainment district or something after the prefab houses went up. Developers thought there’d be a ton of people with disposable income coming this way. Street used to be, you know, place you’d go to get a burger for like eighteen bits.

Keeping these places running wasn’t viable anymore, but the chains that had joints set up here never left, not really. Kept paying rent on the space ‘cause it was right next to Sanctis and I guess they thought they had a chance of reopening in this district, but the rich assholes up there that might’ve been customers wouldn’t touch anything a mile away from the prefabs. And rent was cheap as hell, too, so it’s not like these big chains - had places everywhere, most were run out of Condouth - yeah, not like these big chains were losing much. And after mages cleared out the prefabs, squatters wouldn’t touch all this ‘cause they thought it could happen to them, too. All went over to the east side, not that it was any different over there. Moment someone decides they wanna make the place nice, people on the street get torched and then it stays shitty anyway. Just how it worked.

Only reason Morji could live here was ‘cause whoever owned this theater before actually bought the lot. Sold the theater to Morji for nothing. Think the guy thought he was doing something charitable when it still cost everything Morji had.

But yeah, there were no eyes on us out there. At least it didn’t seem like it. Dark as fuck, and I knew there wasn’t gonna be anyone in the buildings. And as soon as we got outside and the door slammed shut, Kar grabbed me by the collar of my jacket and slammed me up against the wall. God, it stung. My head was already numb from the cold and a little tender where I’d hit it before, and I just went limp when it hit the bricks. “You tried to have me killed, you bitch,” he growled. His breath was sour.

“You mean you believe that shit you told them?” I laughed. This wasn’t like him, but he wasn’t gonna hurt me, not really; no, he’d hurt whoever Cypher told him to hurt, but he wasn’t gonna hurt me. “Just making shit up to impress them.”

Shouldn’t’ve said that. Jabbed me right below the ribs, knocked the wind out of me. I doubled over and my face met ground, felt the cold sting of wet concrete. “Why would I say it if I didn’t believe it? You’ve made me very angry, Raena.” He said it slowly, like he was relishing the fact that he could be angry at me; he was so used to my cold shoulder that this felt like a reversal to him. “You took my money.” Kicked me, aimed for my ribs but hit my upper arm. Sharp sting, followed by a dull ache. “You took my money, and you gave it to Groth, and you told him to kill me.” ‘Nother kick, this frantic shuffling on the sidewalk before it like he didn’t really know how to kick and was tryna gear up for it. I tried to guard my head. “You told . . . You told Groth . . .” He couldn’t get it out, he just made this weird grunting sound and tried to pick me up again; grabbed the collar of my jacket from the back in an attempt to drag me upward, but he was weak as fuck and couldn’t do it.

But I obliged, yeah. I obliged, and stood up, and gave him one straight to his gut. No, not like he did to me, didn’t knock the wind outta him, just a good, clean punch in the abdomen. He screamed and clutched his stomach. I reached up, grabbed the back of his sweaty-ass neck, brought it down on my knee. Nasty crack, felt this burst of warmth that dissolved all over my thigh and ran down my shin, jeans heavy. Could feel little pellets of hail sting my skin. I grabbed his hair, yanked him up, brought him down again. No crack this time, just this sick thump and muffled yelling. He reeled back, tried to get his balance. That weird shuffling he did with his feet on the sidewalk. Gearing up to kick me.

Still had my hand on the back of his neck; grabbed his shirt collar, grabbed the sleeve of his band tee with the other hand, came in all close and tripped him up. Fuckin’ slammed him on the ground. Got on one knee, gave him a few blows across the face. I think I heard something break loose, don’t know what. Probably lost a few teeth. He was just screaming up a storm. I got on my feet again; was prepared to let him stay like that, go back inside. But he just wouldn’t give it up. No, he was tryna trip me - yeah, guess he was tryna prove he could do it too - and he was just flailing around, lunging to grab my jeans, bring me down with him. So I brought my foot down on his face.

Don’t know what gave, but there was this pop and I felt it, I felt it in the way the air changed. And then he was just quiet. It was so fuckin’ dark out, I mean I couldn’t see what his face looked like but I don’t think I wanted to. Felt the bile stirring in my gut. And I didn’t wanna go back inside, either; didn’t wanna see what my jeans looked like, didn’t wanna see Celi’s face. So I just walked off, down the street.

Big burst of light. Couldn’t see shit. Two sources; fuck, headlights. Somebody’d seen me fuck up Kar, and it was all over. Whoever was left of those six guys was gonna put a shotgun to my head and end it right there. Car doors opening and shutting, some kinda movement interrupting the glare of the headlights. I felt the firm and efficient grip of trained killers on my upper arms, and my feet scrambled to keep contact with the ground as they dragged me into the back seat of the car.

So yeah, that’s how I killed my first. But I should go, got shit to do.