>Be Evan.

>It's the end of the previous May.

>Wake up in wee hours of the morning, hear strange noise coming up through the vent from Jason's room below him.

>Sounds like a hooting.

>Jason's making a lot of noise down there.

>Evan angrily walks down to Jason's room to tell him to keep it down.

>Knocks on the door several times, gets no response.

>Throws open the door, turns on the light.

>Jason's lying in fetal position on bed.

>He turns and sees Evan.

>Evan sees he's in the throes of some terrible panic.

>Shut the door, Jason croaks.

>What's going on? Evan asks him.

>I'm fucked up, Jason says. Something's really wrong with me. And I'm fucking scared, Evan,

>He wails into a pillow.

>Evan is scared now, too. He's never heard Jason make a noise like that.

>What is it you're scared of?

>It's like... I'm too aware. I'm too aware...

>Too aware of what?

>Of being alive. I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm trapped in this body and I don't know what's going on. And I'm done with awareness. I'm done with it.

>Jason's pillow is soaked with tears. He's been in this state for awhile, probably just after he went to bed hours earlier.

>You need to ask for help, Evan tells him.

>I can't.

>Why not?

>I just can't. I can't have Mom and Dad and everyone look at me like I'm mentally ill. I can't have that. I can't have it. And I can't start taking pills. I won't be dependent on pills for the rest of my life just to feel normal. And I can't have everyone know that about me. I can't have... I can't have it.

>Evan was at a loss.

>I don't know what to tell you, he admitted feebly.

>Jason mumbles something into his pillow.

>What?

>I said, the void's too big, Jason snaps at him. The void! It's too fucking big!

>Jason, you need to talk to mom and dad for god's sake. You need to.

>Parents are no help. They don't get it. I really wish I didn't need them.

>I'm getting Mom and Dad, Evan says.

>He turns to leave.

>Jason suddenly jumps from the bed and is on him.

>Evan sees with horror that he's had the Glock in his hand this entire time. He was cuddling it to him like a stuffed animal.

>Jason grabs Evan by the shoulder in a vice grip and shakes him, and his face is contorted in unmitigated rage. Tears and saliva are dripping off his chin.

>If you say anything to them about this... ANYTHING, he snarls, his voice tattered and unhinged. I'll fuckin' END you.

>Gobs of spit fly from his lips.

>If they come down here and try to covertly get me to go to the hospital or ANYTHING, do you know what I'll do?

>Jason lifts the gun and cocks it and jams it into Evan's temple.

>Jason, Evan tries to say.

>I'll kill them, I'll kill you, and I'll kill Maddie.

>He takes the gun from Evan's temple.

>He points it at his own.

>And then I'll kill me. Do you understand?

>Evan can't respond.

>Do you fucking understand?

>Yes, Evan says softly. I understand.

>Not a single word. NOT ONE SINGLE WORD. I am NOT going to let this CHANGE me. Do you understand? I'm going to BEAT THIS. I am A GOOD PERSON. I do the RIGHT THING. And I DON'T DESERVE THIS. And I WILL BEAT IT. ON MY OWN. THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. LIKE A MAN. A REAL MAN.

>He releases Evan.

>Are we clear, he says, his eyes bright with a desperate, flailing rage. You will let me beat this on my own.

>Evan can only manage a quiet nod.

>Jason sneers at him, his eyes red and wet.

>He goes back over to the bed, puts the gun under his pillow, and buries his head in it.

>Just get out, he tells Evan, his face to the wall. Just leave, there's nothing. Nothing. We're all nothing.

>Evan slips out, shuts the door quietly.

>He's back in his room, heart pounding.

>He tries to sleep but can't.