One devious day in Ward City, the acclaimed Stephen Silworth had nothing to do, even if he had three contracts available, and a customer awaiting in the waiting hall. Holding a newspaper in his hands, he was searching for well-paying and potentially exciting jobs like being a cashier at a fast food restaurant or being janitor at a public building. This range of professions excluded his own. He had enough, or at least he couldn’t bear doing another errand job, getting paid, and then hated for charging too much for his services. As if he wouldn’t be bankrupt already.

Strange things happened in this neighbourhood according to the Weak Lee News’ Paper, but Stephen never realized that three murders had already taken place nearby. There was an old, medieval church three streets away from his office, around of which these acts of blasphemy were committed. This was the police’s duty, so he did not pay attention to it, as a mortal murderer wouldn’t be able to destroy a supernaturalist. Stephen had dealt with animal spirits, namely a cattle herd killed in an explosion of an oil well. To explain the situation, it was similar to a bad game where you had to steer these creatures to the stable, but this time it was the spirit world, and being dead does not have a positive effect on cognitive ability when you are an animal. It’s something one would never be able to pull off without divine protection. Anyways, this was his belief, reality might have been different.

Opening the window, he evaded the customer by exiting through the cavity. Before one’d judge, the customer smelled like medical supplements digested by a body builder on steroids. Not pleasant at all. This is what he had to put up with all day, all the time.

Since he had some cash money left over from his last job, he’d have gone to pornography shop and studio, next to that church, to buy something for his secretary, to whom he was indebted to. She seemed to tolerate his behaviour and accepted her humble salary as it is. Plus, she managed to calm his fairly inconvenient clients down and made them wait. So Stephen had an idea to give her a gift; a rod of medium length, made of plastic and ivory, with several grooves on the surface and spherical tip. Using electricity, it was able to create mechanical vibration, too.

On his way, he took a glimpse at a black puddle on the pavement next to the entrance of a shady and rather narrow alley. Peeking in, he saw a mutilated body, with flesh chunks all over the place and without blood. “I’d better call the police. The sooner, the better.” He could swear that he saw a wicked and red pair of eyes in the shadows, when he called the authorities.

Sitting down to a bench, he waited for the policemen to arrive. It took a long seven minutes, and on arrival, he wanted to introduce himself as the one who called them and found the remains. He approached an officer.

“Good day to you. My name is Stephen, I found the body.”

“Great. I am Inspector Bestraid. Nice to meet you. I hope you can tell us what you saw.”

“Only the body. That’s why I called you. I believe it is none of my business.”

“You don’t seem to be shaken by finding a mangled corpse. Why is that?”

“Officer, I have had a job where I had to swim in a pool of sperm, butt naked.” He was to remove a perwraith, a perverted ghost, stalking a desired debutante. “I do not really care about these things since then.”

Mr. Bestraid’s gestures stiffened. “Could you exhale into a breathalyser?”

“Everything I say is true.” He wasn’t proud. It was something he never wanted to remember, but this occasion made him stop stressing over maturity and natural concepts. He exhaled into the device, revoking the suspicion of being a boozing geezer.

“So what did you see?” He took out his notebook.

“Well, A black pool, probably oil or altered blood and red optical organs in the shadows of the alley. It might have been a monster, or whatnot.”

“This is not a fucking fairy tale… There are no such things as monsters.” Bestraid’s face changed colour from lighter skin colour to glowing red.

“You’d be surprised.” Stephen was quite indifferent.

“We might have enough information to wrap this up!” The inspector cried out. “If he has the crossed circle necklace…”

“He has!” Cried out a policeman.

“Then let’s go to the Church. It must have been the pastor.” The authorities marched to the building while being armed, and forced open the doors. Stephen, even though it was getting darker minute by minute, he observed the entrance. Several gargoyles were present in extraordinary poses, including one that put its genitalia into its own mouth, one that was in the process of excluding its excrement in a crouching pose, and was carefully carved, and one that projected the water to the mouth of another. Its construction was finished seven hundred years ago, in the wild Middle Ages, so he was not surprized of this interesting design. Stephen had always admired those times, where people happily sawed another in half, or burnt them at the stakes for trumped up reasons, like ejaculating onto the bushes or using the toilet for too long. In addition, he probably wouldn’t have any debt.

So the police went in, and he saw the black fluid on one of the statues, so he followed them. Entering, he saw the police in action.

“Mr. Pencock, MR. PENCOCK!” The inspector shouted, causing the pastor to return to the main hall from his private quarters.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Officer?”

“You are under arrest!” His colleagues jumped at the innocent. “Pedophile priest, your rampage ends now.” He said as if he was pressured by the upper echelon.

“Bestraid. I don’t think he is the culprit.” Stephen said with enormous confidence.

“What? Who asked you to come anyways?”

“Considering the fact that monsters are my specialty, I am capable of distinguishing a murderer and an innocent. Just think about it. Why would he stay here if he heard the siren? ”

“Huh?”

“I believe I know what did these wrongdoings.” Stated Stephen, yet the inspector did not believe it.

“Are you stupid? We have evidence.” That moment, a wounded woman, with a cross on her choker, jumped in. Screeching for her life. Bleeding heavily, she could have been dead in any minute, if she stayed on the streets.

“Tend to the injured and, please, leave the priest alone.”

The inspector wouldn’t believe he was wrong. Stephen, taking the girl’s choker and putting it in his pockets, left the premise to assault the gargoyle that went on a rampage.

“You wouldn’t be able to do the job of a traffic controller properly.” He shouted to the policemen from afar, then he closed the doors and lock them in with a magic key.

He saw the statue fly with some magic imbued in its legs. It was the one who did the oral examination, so Stephen deduced it might have not favoured force-pleasuring himself for seven hundred years in a rather inconvenient pose. A normal person, too, might have gone mad, and even stone statues have feelings. “I feel you, Mr. Statue.”

The only thing Stephen knew about gargoyles was that they did not tolerate chia seeds. He didn’t remember anything else, so he walked to the nearest convenience store and bought a handful. He was not noticed by the statue, it seemed that it was only capable to recognize the medallion. “So this is how smart statues are. Some people can’t even…”

He put on the choker, and presenting the unpleasant view of a firm believer but simultaneously a queer male stripper, the statue aimed to pass him away. Flying with more than 10 km/h, it almost crashed into Stephen, if he hadn’t thrown the seeds at the creature. Where one seed met the surface of the statue, it exploded, and contacting with three hundred pieces, the stone succumbed to nature.

Then he opened the entrance, which was pushed by several members of the local authority, to let them out. The inspector wanted to arrest him, but changed his mind as he found the corpse of a statue, half demolished and in a different pose than it had been on the entrance, in front of the building.

“Allow me to explain. It might sound weird, but it was the statue that ripped the people to pieces, drank their blood, and pissed it out. It is the only way to get rid of their curse of immobility. They are obligated to absorb water, then spit it out for millenniums. It’s a mundane job, drives them crazy.” He did not want to mention the other cause.

“Eeh?”

“There is your culprit. I have to go now, shops might close at this time of the day.”

Allow me to explain.

“Mister, please wait for a moment!” The priest shouted to Stephen. “Thanks for saving me. If you ever come by, you’ll always be my guest. This is a sanctuary for all, not excluding you. You saved me, so I shall be generous.”

“Don’t sweat it, old man, All I wanted is to buy a dildo, The rest is just a coincidence.”