One appealing afternoon in Ward City, the acclaimed Stephen Silworth was visited in his office, which was located at, well, we all know where. Having his own office, he enjoyed practicing his specialty, but he definitely did not practice his secretary. Not because he did not want to. He just did not want to be sued for sexual harassment.

When Stephen was at the toilet, he heard a customer arriving at the main hall of his office. He did not have money for his own, so he used the one that was to satisfy potential customers. As soon as he left the lavatory, he found himself in front of one. Being handsome and having black hair, he charmed the secretary in order to improve his chances to get to Stephen. He seemed to be capable, hard-working and conscientious person with an IQ over 120. Stephen could deduce he was not very wealthy, since he worn worn clothes and old boots.

“Is he working hard?” Asked the man.

“I do not know, yet. Good things come to those who wait. Please sit down.” Replied the secretary. He sat down.

Stephen approached the man with curiosity.

“How can I help you, Mr…?”

“Dane. There is a…”

“Monster?”

“An imp.”

“A demonoid? How does it look like?”

“Had horns, grey skin, big nose, small body. It’s an imp…”

“Are its horns big or small?”

“Small.”

“You have a horny imp then. You shouldn’t confuse it with horn imps though. While the latter dwells on good intent, it really likes farts. You can only remove one if you have the customer take activated charcoal and beat the shit out of them. I mean the imp, not the customer. The former dwells on sexual tension.”

“And how did I get one?”

“Demonoids are attracted by conscientious, hard-working people. Have you ever seen employees of compulsory community service sleep on the racks instead of working? It’s an important ritual, since it keeps these monsters away.”

“Eh?”

“What is it, Mr Dane? Would you mind relocating to my office?”

“Not at all.” They went to Stephen’s room.

“Would you like me to remove the imp?”

“Yes… Please…”

Stephen took out a contract. “My tariffs are on the door. This might be a bit expensive. But I have a vibe that you are struggling to make ends meet.”

He did not say anything.

“I’ll give you a discount. Maybe 90% is enough.”

“How much is that?”

“4000 Wardling.”

“4000?” He was amused, since he couldn’t really afford this one, either. “Much obliged.”

“Damn… You are humble… I am happy you took that way. I had a customer who said ‘you could lower this amount, greedy bastard.’ What I said was ‘Pay the full price then. I do not have time for idiots.’”

“Great. Could we hurry a bit?”

“Sure. Sign the contract.” Stephen gave Mr. Dane a piece of paper, which he signed.

“So what now?”

“I’ll be very discreet. Do not say anything about sexual intercourses, and by no means you should do it. The only thing for you is to wait for it to go away. Or break up. The imp will feel if it is true or not. If your problem is not solved, you should come back. Get some days off, do not do anything with your time, imps hate lazy people. Do not engage in anything related to your partner.” After saying this, Stephen dismissed Mr. Dane and wished him good luck.

Two days later, Mr. Dane appeared out of nowhere. When he entered his room, he was in a devastated state.

“There is a problem, Stephen, a bigger problem.”

“What happened?”

“The imp tried to rape my wife…”

“What did you do?” Stephen had suspicions that this would happen.

“I grabbed it by the leg and swung it at the table, bashing its head onto the corner of the table. This is a mess…”

“What happened afterwards?”

“Jelly came out of its head, its skull was completely crushed by the way, and our dog slid on that. A purple portal appeared out of nowhere.”

“Damn, you summoned a pitlord?”

“I am afraid, yes.”

“Which, the small one that resides in your armpits or the big aggressive world conquering one?”

“The big one.”

“How are you alive then?”

“It’s sitting in my living room in front of my television.…”

“What?” Stephen started to laugh, but he concealed his gestures.

“When we summoned him, he started to introduce himself and his world conquering plans, but as soon as he saw my game console, he sat down and started to play. He said nothing. The only thing it does now is just sitting in front of the television and play… He barks at us to bring him snacks once in a while, and that is our only interaction with him.”

“You should give a call to your wife to get out of there…” Stephen advised. “I have never met a pitlord in the flesh. It will be hell of a dance.”

Mr. Dane called his wife.

“Hey honey. According to the specialist, you should get out of there as soon as possible…”

…

“What do you mean you could have been killed while I am here?”

…

“Never mind, just get out of home. The specialist will remove it.”

…

“You can come here, or to your mother, she is always at the doorstep.”

…

“No, I didn’t want to insult your mother, your parent’s house is close…”

…

“Be sure not to say anything about this problem…”

“…”

“Eh…Just get out of there, bring along whatever you want.” He ended the call. “So what now?”

“You see that pyramid on my shelf?” He pointed at the pyramid on the shelf. “It is a prison, actually. My master caught a pitlord with that. You remember the earthquake ten years ago that was all over the news?”

“Yes.”

“It was a pitlord. Destroyed half of a city.”

“And one of that creature sits in my living room?”

“Yes. And I believe it cannot use the toilet. But do not worry, I’ll take care of that, too. You cannot dump it, since the magic-concentration in that is very high. It would disturb life.” He took some thrash bags out of his desk and put them into his satchel, which he equipped to be ready to go out.

“Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

“How do we get there?”

“We take the underground. Second line, third station.”

Stephen and Mr. Dane got up, and walked to the nearest underground station. Stephen bought two tickets.

“According to the official, the next train could arrive in any minute.”

“This line is not busy as it was, not since they built the new bicycle lanes.”

The train arrived. They got on, and ventured forward. Since there were no people on the car, he sat down and unintentionally fell asleep.

“Mr. Silworth. Please, wake up.” Said Mr. Dane after a while.

“Did I forgot something?” Asked Stephen, half conscious.

“We arrived.” Like little crickets, they jumped up and dashed through the doorway of the car. Leaving the underground, they followed the street. After ten minutes of walk, there was a tenement, in which they went. Dane’s house was on the third floor. Stephen heard the insults the pitlord screeched at the other players in a very, very low-pitched voice. Opening the door, Stephen saw a creature made of stone, burning in black and bloody red fire, having a headset on his head, and pushing the buttons of the controller.

The pitlord was angry at the people, with whom he was in a team, so he changed the game and played BOOM, a single player game, where you whack people into pieces with a demon.

Stephen put his hand in his satchel, but did not find the pyramid. “I left the prison at my office…”

“What?” Exclaimed angrily his customer.

The pitlord laughed at him in the distance. “What a looser…” That thing murmured.

“What now.”

“I did not want to use this…”

“What? What?” asked the customer.

“You have a dog, right? We have to make him throw up and draw a glyph in it.”

“We have a French Bulldog, you know…”

“Is it exactly the same which summoned the demon?”

“Yes.”

“Great. Don’t look at the creature when we banish him. He can take you with him…”

“Knarf, come here.” The white-black spotted dog got up from his place and went to his owner.

“When I look into its eyes, a certain feeling emerges within me. Why do we exist? How can one have such a cruel fate to be this ugly and stupid?” Pondered Stephen. The dog did not even realize he was there.

Luckily, the dog vomited as if it was natural to do so. Since the pitlord did not care, Stephen picked up a long piece of wooden utensil, and drew the simplified shape of an octagon into the organic material. They only heard a noise that resembled a portal and a vacuum cleaner having sexual intercourse. The pitlord was not there anymore. And he took Dane’s headset. What an asshole.

“So, let’s clean, shall we?” Proposed Stephen in a heart-warming tone.