The smell of his apartment is familiar, but I can’t place from where.

“Do you have clothes you can change into?” he asks me.

“Yeah,” I say. “But I haven’t washed any of them recently.”

“Well, I can lend you some of mine while I wash yours. Are you alright with that?”

“Yeah.”

He’s changed so much in the past seven years. He’s lost weight and his hair, which was an almost unmanageable mess of curls back then, is now buzzed short. His voice, though, is just as quiet as it’s always been.

I want to get close to him, close enough to feel his body heat. It’s been months since I’ve been physically close to anyone and years since I’ve been close to him. I don’t think I realized it until now, but I’ve missed him. I don’t know if I should be feeling that way anymore, though.

I try to distract myself from that feeling by looking around his apartment. Family photos, photos with friends, and wedding photos are put on shelves along with medical books, novels, and what I assume are self-help books. There are some empty boxes packed into each other in some places on the floor.

“You got married,” I say, the words slipping from my mouth while I’m distracted.

“Yeah, it was a couple years back. I tried calling you to see if you wanted to come to the wedding, but your phone was off whenever I tried.”

“Sorry. It was probably when I couldn’t afford to keep paying it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. You could’ve tried to get into contact with me or your dad to help you, you know? He seemed sad you hadn’t called him in a while when I checked if he knew where you were.”

I feel something in my chest as he tells me that. Maybe I’ve been missing my dad, too. I can’t think of that, though. I try to distract myself by changing the subject.

“I’m fine,” I tell him. “What’s his name? Your husband.”

“Oh. His name is Jordan. He’s still up north right now, still making the arrangements with his job at the hospital over there to transfer down here with me.”

I nod. He’s married now. Has a job. He’s probably even had this job for a while, maybe even while I had lost mine. The realization that a whole year was taken from me makes something inside me start to build up again, but it doesn’t feel like the usual anger or annoyance.

“Where’s your bathroom?” I suddenly ask him. “I want to take a shower.”

“Oh, right, it’s that door over there.”

I nod and, without thinking about it, start undressing as I walk over there, only managing to put D down on a shelf and take off my shirt before he speaks up.

“Oh my god, Matthew, you’re bruised all over! Was this all from tonight?”

“Just what’s on my back,” I absentmindedly lie.

“I think I have an ice back in the fridge, you can use it after you take a shower. Hold on, I’ll get you some of my clothes for you to change into.”

With that, he goes off into another room. He hasn’t changed as much as I thought he had, still trying to help out when someone’s hurt. For some reason, it makes me realize how self-conscious I should be right now, standing half-naked in the home of someone I haven’t seen in years. But I’m not. He’s seen me naked before, so it doesn’t really matter anymore, I guess.

I check if D’s still there, but get no answer through the helmet. They probably took her off to sleep, or something. Probably locked her in a plain white room, like they had before, both with me last year and with her some years before that.

“Here, you can leave your clothes in the bag you came in with and I’ll wash them for you. You can change back into them once they’re done, if you want.”

I take the clothes he brought and just nod, also taking the bag with me. I head to the bathroom, leaving the empty helmet on the shelf for now. Now alone in that small room, I’m forced to look at my own face. I think some of the color has come back to it since a few months ago. I’m definitely not so gaunt anymore, though. Then again, that might just be swelling from that hit to the face earlier. At least my hair isn’t past my chin anymore, I guess. Maybe I should buzz it back down all the way at some point.

I pry myself away from the mirror and undress the rest of the way, stuffing my clothes into my bag, then heading back out to give them to Aurelio.

“Here,” I say, as I hold the bag out to him.

He takes the bag, but it’s obvious he’s not completely comfortable with me just being naked in his apartment. He’s avoiding looking at me. “You’re not gonna take those off?” he asks, indicating my arms and legs.

“I can’t,” I tell him, tugging on the hard, plastic-like part near the bicep of my arm that attaches it to my body. “They’re prosthetics.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had lost them. Or did you get them replaced for those?”

I just say “neither” before heading back to the bathroom and turning on the shower.

I don’t know why, but him not looking at me makes me feel like I did back in high school, when he wouldn’t look at me when we were alone. Just before we stopped being in a relationship. I know I shouldn’t expect him to look at me that way, especially not now that he’s married, but something inside me still wants him to. I turn on the shower and get in, letting the cold water run against my bruises.

Suddenly, my legs almost give out from under me. It’s not like I slipped, or anything. The rubber soles at the bottom of my feet would keep that from happening. The “bones” didn’t loosen, either. I’d already be on the floor if they did. Am I just tired? Did seeing Aurelio for the first time in years affect me? Whatever the reason is, I bring myself down to sit on the shower floor and close my eyes. I’ll just rest for a bit. Let my body catch up.

The sound of water hitting the floor fades into the sound of a buzzing fluorescent light. It was overwhelming at first, but now I’ve forgotten that it’s even there. Suddenly, though, I’m reminded of its presence by its sudden disappearance. At first, I think I’ve gone blind, but am assured that I haven’t by the room around me slowly fading in as my eyes adjust to the dark.

For a while there’s no sound aside from my breathing. I assume the power has just gone out and decide to simply wait it out. I can’t get back to sleep with how loud the silence is. Some time later — I have no idea how long — the sound of footsteps starts to approach from off to the left. They stop, seemingly very close by. Whoever’s steps those are knocks.

“Matthew? Are you alright? You’ve been in there for a while.”

“Yeah,” I groggily answer as I start to stand back up. “I’m fine. Just fell asleep, I think.”

“Oh. Well, I’ve already finished washing and drying your clothes. I put them back in the bag, which I put just outside the bathroom door. You can sleep on my bed when you’re done.”

“Alright.”

I feel lightheaded, so I rush through actually cleaning myself. Once I’m done, I get out of the shower, dry myself off with one of the towels on the rack, get the bag of my clothes, and get dressed. After I finish with that, I get out of the restroom and sit on the couch in the main room. It’s a bit stiff. Probably was gotten more to look good in the room, or something.

“You’re not gonna sleep yet?” Aurelio asks, coming up from the kitchen and handing me an icepack.

I shake my head and cool down the bruise on my stomach. “I’m not gonna sleep here at all. I’m already bothering you too much just by being here.”

He sits on the chair to my right. “Matthew, you’re not bothering me. I want to help you. Is that why you never called me back when we moved away? Because you thought you’d be bothering me?”

I click my teeth, but don’t answer. Is that the reason? Maybe at least partially. I’ve already caused enough trouble, so I don’t think I should be able to ask for help. Is that what it is?

I don’t want to think about it, so I change the subject. “You said you work in a hospital, right?”

“Yes, but Matthew-“

“Which one?”

He seems surprised that I’d interrupt him like that, taking a moment to actually answer the question. “One of the older ones. It’s near the medical complex at Center. Why do you ask?”

So not one of MediTech’s. I just shake my head and say, “Just wondering.”

It becomes quiet again as we just stare at each other. The punch from earlier starts to catch up with me as I start to realize how empty my stomach is. I consider asking for food, but that would be asking too much.

My stomach growls and I’m forced to keep myself from clicking my teeth again.

The look on my face probably gave away how annoyed I am from it, though, since Aurelio’s now smiling with his lips pressed together. He’s stifling a laugh. After a second, though, he does speak up.

“I don’t have any food in the fridge right now, but I can head across the street real quick to get you something.”

“I’m fine,” I tell him.

“Matthew, please. If you’re hungry, then eat. You haven’t been keeping yourself from eating, have you?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Good. So, what do you want?”

He’s probably gonna keep insisting, so I just go along with it. “Whatever’s cheapest, I guess.”

“Alright. I’m gonna get you a combo, though. If you don’t want the rest right now, you can take it for later. What do you want to drink?”

“If you’re gonna get me a combo, then I’ll pay for it.”

“Matthew, it’s fine. What do you want to drink?”

“I dunno, Strengthade, if they have it, I guess. If not, then the tea, or whatever.”

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

He heads out, leaving me alone in his apartment, that familiar smell still lingering in my nose. To distract myself from the feeling it brings me, I get up and start walking around, looking at the pictures he’s put up. There’re some older ones from before I’d ever met him, back when he was a little kid. Aside from the chubbiness in his cheeks and the length of his hair, he looked almost the same back then. Some of those old pictures have his parents in them, but mostly they were him and other family members. I guess that makes sense, with how they treated him. How he probably felt like he had to hide a part of himself from them.

Near those were some more from around the time I had first met him, back when we were in high school. A lot of those are with friends of his. Then there’re some with me in them. Back when I would keep my hair buzzed short. I’m smiling in some of them.

I can’t stand to look at my own face from back then, so I move on to some other photos. Immediately, I’m met with a familiar face. A muscular woman smiles up at me, her arm wrapped around Aurelio. They knew each other? How? For how long?

I try to keep the question from getting to me and head back to the couch, flopping onto it and turning to be on my stomach so I can hold the ice pack to the bruises on my back. I start to drift off again.

I feel like I might start dreaming soon. That falling feeling is coming to me hard, but nothing else.

I hear the door open and wake back up.

“Did you fall asleep again?”

I inhale deeply, letting the ice pack fall off my back as I sit back up. “No. I was letting the ice soak in.”

He chuckles. “Well, either way, we should eat at the counter. Don’t want to get the new couch dirty, you know?”

I nod and follow him to the attached kitchen, carrying the ice pack with me. “You got some for you, too?”

“Yeah. I was kind of feeling nostalgic about when we’d eat at the one back home. Remember that time we saw Mr. Suarez getting a huge order that he sat down and ate all by himself?”

“Yeah,” I say as I sit on one of the tall chairs. “I wondered how he managed to keep that weight off.”

“I’m guessing he mostly ate really healthy stuff, then would just get all that stuff when he started getting sick of it, or something.”

“Maybe.”

We each get our food, him a box of chicken strips and me a burger. I know the one he got me isn’t the cheapest one, but I ignore it and just eat.

“Matthew, is it alright if I ask where you’ve been since high school? Since we haven’t talked since then.”

“Down here,” I say. “University area for most of the time.”

“Oh, did you graduate?”

I shake my head. “Roommates left me to pay the rent by myself. Couldn’t work to pay for it and go to classes at the same time.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine.”

The two of us are quiet for a while as we just eat. I start to zone out, thinking about other things. How we’d hang out all the time in high school, even after we stopped being in a relationship. I think about how I tried to start to distance myself from him after that, just because of how stupid I was back then. How stupid I probably still am.

I try to distract myself from those feelings by talking about something else.

“How do you know Eli?” I ask.

“Eli?”

“Elizabeth,” I say, motioning to where the picture of him and her is.

“Oh, Lizzy. We’re cousins. I actually haven’t heard from her in a while, either. Ever since, well…”

“Since she got into drugs.”

He looks at me in surprise. “How did you know about that?”

“She told me about it. Said she regrets it but is glad she got out of it.”

“Wait, Matthew, how do you know her?”

“I worked with her, I guess,” I answer, not exactly lying. He doesn’t need to know the whole truth.

“So, she’s doing alright?”

I hesitate for a second, thinking of D. “Mostly,” I say. “She…recently lost a friend.”

“Oh. Well, do you have a way I can contact her? I really want to see how she’s doing.”

I shake my head. “I never got her number. Do you have the same number since when you saw her?”

“Yeah, I’ve kept the same once since middle school.”

“Then she’ll probably call you when she’s ready to.”

He nods. “Yeah, you’re right.”

For another while, we just eat in silence. D keeps coming back up in my mind. I wonder if the people at MediTech are keeping her healthy. Of course they are, they’re using her for something. But is she really alright?

“What’s wrong?” Aurelio suddenly asks.

“Nothing,” I say.

“Matthew, I know when something’s up.”

I glance towards the helmet, probably still empty, and sigh. I get up and bring it to the counter, putting it on my lap and wrapping it in my arms.

“The friend of Eli’s I mentioned. She’s a friend of mine, too. I said she’s gone, but that’s not really true. She was taken by someone. I know by who, but I don’t know how to go and get her back.”

“Is there any way I can help?”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to get you involved in it.”

“Matthew, please, if there’s a way I can help you, just tell me.”

“Aurelio,” He seems to tense up slightly from me using his name. “No.”

“Okay. But just know that if you ever just want to talk to someone, I’m here.”

I nod.

After another while of somber silence, Aurelio gets up and goes to the fridge, pulling out two large glass bottles, one of wine and the other of vodka.

“You up for some? Since you seem to’ve had a hard time.” he asks.

“Yeah,” I say. “The vodka. I only got one margarita in earlier.”

He puts the bottles down on the counter and gets a couple glasses from a cabinet.

“I didn’t know you drank margaritas, Matthew.”

“I don’t drink much in general. It’s what one of the guys that beat me up ordered for me.”

“Wait, why’d he beat you up if he was buying you drinks?”

“Called him bald and a rich kid who got a prosthetic to be trendy.”

“Matty!” He’s obviously trying to keep himself from laughing.

“What? He was being annoying. Kept trying to get me to talk when I was just there to drink. He’s the one who invited me anyway.”

“Well, at least you’re okay, I guess.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Could’ve taken him on if knew he was coming.”

We continue to drink, talk, and eat through the night. Eventually, things start to get blurry. I want to lay down. I want him to hold me. I want to sleep. I want to puke my guts out until my head feels better. I want to pull out my bruises so they don’t hurt anymore, to go into MediTech and get D back so this can be over with.

At some point, I fall asleep.

It’s almost as if I’m back in that house on the outskirts of Rio Grande City.

The walls are bare and the rooms are empty. I can vaguely here the low hum of a desktop computer. Without thinking, I follow it. Down the hall, through the door on the left.

She’s sitting between her two desks, her back to me and the arms attached to it stretched out. Even though all I can see is the back of her half-shaved, half-blonde head, I can still feel her one good eye piercing a hole through me.

I try to call to her, try to approach, but I’m stuck. My mouth won’t move, and neither will my legs.

She starts to talk.

“Red. Red. Red.”

I try to respond to her, but still nothing.

I jolt up from sleep, my arms wrapped around the helmet D talks from.

“Red, where are you right now?”

I look around. Seems like a bedroom. There’s a shelf with a partially-emptied cardboard box near the right side of the bed. There’s another wedding photo of Aurelio and his husband on there.

“An old friend’s apartment,” I tell her, getting up out of bed. Everything sways around me as I do, forcing me to sit back down.

“What’s wrong?”

“Hangover,” I mutter. “It’s fine.”

I get back up and head back into the main room, hoping to leave before Aurelio wakes up.

“Good morning,” he says as I enter. Guess I woke up too late. At least his voice doesn’t make my headache worse, I guess.

“Morning.”

“I got breakfast, if you want some,” he says, his tone sounding different than from last night. “You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to, though.”

I look towards him. He’s not looking at me at all. Something definitely happened last night.

“What’d I do?” I ask, the words coming out more in an exasperated way than anything.

He shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“Then what did I say? I know something happened, and I want you to tell me.”

He sighs, finally turning to look me in the eyes. Either he’s pitying me or he’s sad. Either way, that look makes me regret whatever I’d done, even without knowing what it was. Makes me want to just leave.

“Matthew, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

For a while, he doesn’t answer, looking away, then back at me. I think I know what I said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you still…It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

“Shut up. You didn’t do anything.”

“But, Matthew, if I had known- “

“What?” My headache starts to intensify as my voice starts to raise, the anger at myself starting to rise through me and fall out of my mouth. “You would’ve tried to force yourself to give me pity sex? I don’t need that shit, Aurelio! And neither do you! None of it is on you, alright? It’s my own selfishness that’s messing everything up for me! I’m the one who’s pushing everyone away, I’m the one who screws up by saying the first thing that comes to mind, I’m the one who can’t let anyone know what’s going on, so shut up with saying that it’s your fault!”

“Matthew…”

“Don’t. Don’t say you’re sorry.”

He nods and just stares down at the floor.

We both are quiet for a while. Without saying anything, I get a glass out of his cabinet and get some water from the tap.

“Like I said, it’s my fault, so, I’m sorry.”

“Matthew, you don’t have to apologize.”

“Yeah, I do. I probably piled all that on you at once. Probably cried all over you, too. So, I do need to apologize to you. So, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for trying to push you away after we broke up.”

“I don’t really blame you for that last one, to be honest. I mean, I did do that when were about to…you know. And, thinking about it, I kind of feel like I used you. I guess I shouldn’t have expected you to want to stay friends with me after that.”

“Whatever. We were stupid kids. I mean, I wanted to still be friends with you, too, but I felt like I couldn’t because…well, you already know.”

“Yeah.”

Again, we just sit in silence. He’s probably thinking about this just as much as I am.

“Anyway, I should just eat and leave. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

“No, it’s fine, you can stay as long as you need.”

“I can’t, it’s just…the thing I mentioned about getting that friend back. If I stay here too long, someone will probably come out here, and I don’t want to get you involved.”

“Oh. Well, just know that I’m willing to let you stay here again if you need to.”

“Yeah. And I won’t take up your bed next time.”

He chuckles. “Well, I don’t mind staying on the couch as long as I’m the only one here.”

With that, I get to eating. It’s the breakfast from the same place as from last night. Basically a burger, but with egg and sausage instead of regular burger stuff. I haven’t had one in years. He got me a tea with it. Hopefully they didn’t make it too sweet.

“Matthew, when you’re done with whatever it is you’re involved in, when you’re sure no one will be in anymore danger, please come visit. I want you to meet Jordan. If you’re comfortable with that, that is.”

I finish chewing on the food in my mouth, then say “Sure. I’m sure Eli’d want to come over, too. That friend of mine could probably get in contact with her.”

“I’d like that.”

I finish up eating and get my stuff.

“Thanks for letting my stay here, Aurelio. And for taking care of me.”

“You’re leaving already?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t want to risk it, you know?”

“I understand. Remember that I’m here if you need anything.”

“Yeah.”

He comes up to me and opens his arms for a hug. I’m hesitant, but I go for it anyway. After all, I had been wanting to be close to him, and I guess this is one way to go about it. I put my arms around him, and he puts his around me. He doesn’t really smell like he used to.

We let go and say our goodbyes. As I walk out of his apartment, I realize why it smells so familiar. It smells like my old house.

Some minutes after leaving Aurelio’s place, once I’m used to the headache from the near-summer sun beating down on me, I speak up again.

“You’re not gonna say anything about it?”

“Why would I?” D asks.

“I dunno. Just thought you would, I guess.”

She doesn’t say anything. I assume she’s trying to come up with something to say, or something. She hasn’t been as blunt about things as when I first met her. Maybe being around more than one person helped her out with that.

“Your name’s not actually Matthias?”

I stop in my tracks, surprised that that’s what she thought to say.

“No,” I say. “It’s just what I started giving as my name once I came down here. Matthew’s not my actual name, either. It’s just what people used to call me back home.”

“What’s your name?”

I start walking again, looking for a place to rest for a while. Maybe buy some water, or something.

“Mateo,” I answer.

Again, she’s quiet for a while. While waiting for her to think of what to say, I enter a dollar store, the cold air inside making my head hurt a different way. It smells old, like a shirt that’s been in a dusty closet for too long. I make my way to the fridges to pick out a drink. Water would probably be best, but one of the -ades would probably do well, too. It’s not like I have sugary stuff too often, anyway. I usually get sick if I do.

“Which name do you prefer, then?”

I pick out a green-colored drink — melon, it says the flavor is —and start to head to the cash registers. There’s no one at any of them at the moment, so I get a chance to get a few dollar bills out from the money Eli’d given me. Even after she kicked me out, she was still trying to take care of me. She’s too nice. I shouldn’t have said what I said to her.

“Whatever’s fine,” I tell D, quiet enough so that whoever’s working won’t hear me. “You don’t call me any of them anyway.”

Eventually, someone does come up to the counter. A girl with long, brown hair and the look of someone who’s tired of working retail.

“Perdoname,” she says in a dull monotone before scanning the drink. “¿Es todo?”

“Sí.”

She gives me the price, I give her the money, she gives me the change.

“Gracias.”

She doesn’t ask if I want a bag with it, like she’s supposed to, but I don’t fault her. Probably overworked, can’t really blame her. I probably messed up the same way a bunch, myself. I head out of the store to find some place to sit for a while. I think there’re some benches by some of the crosswalks, or something.

Again, D speaks up. “You speak Spanish?”

“No,” I answer. “Just know some words.”

I reach the bench, but there’s no shade over it. It should be fine, I guess. I sit, putting D down on my lap, and open my drink.

“D,” I say, checking if she’s still there.

“What?”

“You said they don’t know you’re talking to me through this, right?”

“Yes,” she answers. “The data this sends as is normally unreadable.”

I nod, then take a big gulp of my drink. Almost enough to catch in my throat and make me cough it all back up. I manage to get it down, though. Watching the people pass by, going into and leaving stores, I start to realize that I have no idea what I should be doing.