Saturday, January 2, 2945

I am shocked. Let me tell you, I am utterly and completely shocked. After finish writing my diary entry, I submitted it to a website. After submitting the entry, the website notified me with the word PENDING. After seeing the word, I got so confused I had to search up its definition. Pending: Awaiting decision or settlement.

Seriously? I mean seriously? I am so flabbergasted by the website. Does my work need the approval of someone else to be published? Do they not know who I am? Do they not know I am the mighty J. The BEST PLAYER in DK? The one that females go crazy over and all males get jealous of? I can not believe they have the audacity to think I need the approval of their so-called “Moderator” to publish my book. They should bow to me in gratitude for sharing my knowledge so others can learn.

After thinking about their actions, I couldn’t sleep all night. Early this morning, I called my best friend Bob. I was like, “Bob, can you believe it? They don’t know who I am and has the audacity to think I need their approval. “

After venting and complaining to Bob for an hour, I kinda understood why they had to check the diary entry before publishing it. I mean, I am so famous. Being so famous means there will be a lot of people trying to impersonate me. The website acted accordingly and checked the authenticity of my identity to make sure commoners like you guys were not lied to.

However, Bobs next words shocked me to the core. He said, “Yo J, you are writing to the past. You weren’t even born yet, how can they know who you are?”

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What were we talking about again? Oh right, Bob! My best friend Bob isn’t actually called Bob. IDK what his real name is, but I call him Bob. Why Bob? C'mon man, do you know any name that is cooler than Bob? If you are a friend of J, you need to have a cool name. Just think, Bob and J. The dynamic duo Bob and J. The cool dynamic duo Bob and J. Bob is really lucky to have a friend like me. Being my best friend, he gets to leech so much off of my fame. All those people who try to get close to me send gifts to Bob. They hoped Bob could put some “good words in” and make me pay attention to them.

Now hearing how great I am, some of you might wonder what’s so great about Bob that he is my best friend? Truthfully, nothing. There is nothing great about Bob. Bob is a short, ugly, chubby, slow-witted Asian kid. Now look at me, I am a tall, handsome, athletic, smart Asian kid. Comparing us two, you can easily see I beat Bob in every category. Now you might not understand if I am so much better than Bob, why is he my best friend? Easy knowledge kid. Now pay attention to some wise words from Dr. Chen. Dr. Chen once said, “ To show how superior you are, you need to place yourself next to someone worse than you so people can admire you.” This is the exact reason Bob is my best friend. I need him around so people can appreciate and understand how superior I am compared to Bob.

Well enough about Bob, let’s talk more about me. I am always curious about peoples first exposure to sexual content. When I was younger, a group of friends and I ditched school to stay home and chill. Weirdly enough they decided to watch some porn videos. At first, I was so confused. I didn’t understand what was so fun about watching naked women when I can watch Spongebob instead. But boy oh boy did I find out the thing down there that started to grow. When I first saw my thing growing, I got scared. I thought it was a contagious disease and tried my best to shrink it back down. Nothing worked, instead, it grew larger. I hid in my friend's bathroom an I had to google: “HELP my penis is getting larger and larger, how do I shrink it back down.” Now let me tell you, Google is a life saver. Especially Wikihow and their step by step instruction with pictures. Following the instructions and pictures, I learned to stroke my penis and release some white fluids.” That was the experience of my first jerk-off. People always tell me you get addicted to drugs, I think I found the drug for me.

Well, I’ve already spent half my Saturday morning with you guys. I think it’s time for me to go and hang out with Bob.

Write to you guys later,

The One, The Only, The Best,

J