✾

"What?" she shrieks incredulously, rightfully so. "You just went and didn't tell me this crucial information? I told you everything yesterday and I thought you cared! But you didn't even have the decency to even tell me you already knew. You completely left me in the dark."

I let her tell me this because I knew I deserved it and nodded. "I did. And it was a dumb thing to do, I'll admit. But can you let me explain a little bit?"

"Fine."

"Okay, so my parents have never had a healthy relationship. My dad was an abusive piece of sh*t and he used to punish my mom by beating her and.. stuff. I just watched their fights from behind the wall but never got involved. Now me, he didn't hit me often. But him and my mom always fought. And in short, he used to r*pe her after buying flowers to save-face. Buying these cheap colorful daisies, that was the cheapest kind.

"She didn't do anything about it, legally, because she still thought there was some good in him. But then he got fired and officially went off the deep-end. One night, when the government threatened to take our house, he decided he was going out to get money. That was when... you know. So then he got arrested and my mom started popping pills and started going out with all these men, accidentally getting herself pregnant. And that's how Ruby came into this world.

"And I had no idea how to deal with it," I continued, "and figured I was worthless and success was for one of the other 7 billion people in this world. So I decided to ditch school and do drugs and screw girls and do everything I could to forget. And then I came to the same realization that everybody else does — It doesn't change jack sh*t. And the rest is history."

It might not be the best conclusion but she knows the rest.

"I know what you mean," she sighs, thinking about something. "Just... I don't know, I might need time to think it over."

The thing about Iris is that her ways of dealing with problems are a lot different than mine. The thing we both did in the past was run away from them, of course, but hers is physical whereas mine was a lot more emotional, namely substance abuse.

"I'm sinking down a hole," Iris starts. "And I can't understand my own feelings, and rationalizing them is even harder. I just keep acting like the more I try the more it'll help, but... I don't know, it's all dumb. I know I've been so selfish in the past, just talking about myself when being with Sophie and not actually doing things for other people, but doing things so I would feel better. It was so selfish. I don't know what I am and I'm tired of trying to figure it out when I'm the only one having this debate with myself."

"Everyone does. That's a pretty normal high school tradition — trying to find yourself and what you're supposed to do with your life and all. Everyone's insecure about something, even if you think they're not. Sure, some might be more insecure but at the end of the day we all have the same goal. There's no competition unless you make it that."

"You're right," she sighs. "Hey, can you go for a little bit? It's not anything personal, I just... need some time alone right now. I'm so sorry I lashed out."

"It's okay, Princess, I understand."

With that, I leave.

✾

It's hard not to think about Iris, I'm realizing. And it's ridiculous how a girl could make me feel that way, but here I am.

I didn't think I'd all of a sudden be falling for my tutor — a nerd, as the school knew her — right before my entire high school career ended.

When you spend a lot of time with a person it's pretty obvious you'll start picking up their behaviors. Sometimes I find myself doing stupid things like tugging on my sleeves if I'm nervous or messing with my hair. Not like twisting it obviously because it's not long enough, but more like running my fingers through it or something.

Thank god I haven't started biting my lip or finding childish alternatives for cusswords. That's her thing and it fits her so it's fine, but me? No godd*mn way.

"Are you even listening to me?" Julian groans. "Dude, I'm failing that class and I need to copy the homework. I promise I'll get it back to you."

"What class?"

"The only class we have together, idiot," Julian laughs. "Can you at least gimme a list of the joint names or whatever we're doing?"

"I could do that or have you do your own work."

"Whatever dude, lemme know when you aren't hanging around that girl anymore, you'd always let me do this. She's really got you wrapped around her finger, doesn't she?"

"What, Iris? No dude, we're not together."

"Doesn't change the fact."

"Alright, alright, stop messing around. What does she have to do with any of it anyway? Get started on your list, alright? I gotta go but I'll catch up with you later."

Sighing, I shake my head and hang up the phone.

✾