cw!! mention of sexual assault

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recap

I pull away from the hug and lean in on Troy, slowly kissing him.

I suddenly hear his voice "Char?"

I pull away from my brother's friend to see Clay looking at us. Fuck.

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"Clay, please I'm sorry" I plead, stepping out into the rain, trying to stop him from leaving I grab his arm

When did it start raining?

"No Char, I'm not letting this one slide so easily" Clay shakes out of my grasp, still heading to his car

"Please Clay, you'll break me" I sob "You make me a better person, I love you" and so he stops on his tracks "I do, so much" I continue "You help me stay in line, focus, you bring out the good in me, please"

"Charlotte stop" he trails off "You literally kissed a dude in front of me and now you go on about how you supposedly love me? What's wrong with you?"

He doesn't think I'm serious.

"Ok, let's talk about letting things slide then, should I forget about the fact that you outed my sexual assault in front of everyone, Clay. What made you think that was ok too?"

His hands fly to his head

"I fucked that one up, sorry"

"Wow, that makes it so much better thank you really" I sarcastically say "Look I know you are mad but please" I walk up to him so that we are facing each other "If you care about me, and I know you do, stay, listen to what I have to say"

"No Charlotte, you brought up my ex too remember that?" he takes a step back "Did you also notice how after every minor inconvenience we launch at each other's throats? That's not healthy"

"What was that blonde girl then? Grabbing onto her waist, doing to her what you usually do with me. What was I supposed to think? You never asked for me to be your girlfriend, you clearly got bored of me, now moving onto that bimbo"

"I WAS SCARED OK?" He shouts and I jump back, his features soften when he realizes I got scared "I AM scared... I could never get bored of you"

"You were scared about what? A relationship?" I say, tears running down my eyes

"I was worried about this, about you breaking my heart" he says

"I already told you this Clay, even Nick warned me about it" I show him the texts between his friend and I "You were all over her, what. was. I. supposed. to. think." I exclaimed

"You should trust me Char" he begins to give in "You should know that by now"

"The same way you trust me?"

"Fuck Charlotte, why do you make everything so damn complicated"

"It shouldn't be" I grab his hand "We can make each other better, you make me better Clay don't you see that?"

"You don't get it do you?" he shouts, shaking his hand off mine "I shouldn't make you 'better', you shouldn't depend on me that much, you shouldn't lash out and be impulsive when you see me talking with someone else" my vision turns blurry

"Then you never cared about me. Sapnap, your literal best friend, warned me about you and that- that whore" I cry

"Of course I care about you, I care so much about you it... it isn't healthy anymore" His face softens and he puts out his hand, caressing my cheek "And that's the problem, we are not good for each other, notice how broken you are?" Clay argues "I can't be talking to a girl and then see you getting this way"

"So I am the broken one then"

Is that how he sees me?

A broken toy

The problem wasn't him talking to the girl though, it was him grabbing her, why doesn't he see that

"You need to shine on your own, you don't need me" he smiles, tears falling from his eyes as well

"But I can't" I blubbered

I feel like I've lost him, I... feel empty

I am so stupid

"Then you'll learn how to" he insists now putting space between us "Until then, I'm not going to be around"

"What if I don't want to? What if this" I signal between us "What if our mess is too comfortable"

"I'm leaving either way Char, I'm doing what's best for us, best for you"

I give him a pleading look, but he just shakes his head side to side, leaving me.

Watching him walk away makes my sadness quickly turn into anger, doing what's best for me? Why does he think he gets to decide over me, over my feelings. He doesn't know what's best for me.

"If you leave then you are doing what's best for you" I shout in a last attempt for him to stay "If you leave you lost me Clay, forever, I'm not going to wait around moping, I don't do breaks"

He stops once more, clearly hesitating on what to do, but this time, he doesn't turn.

"Sorry Char, it's not you, it's me" he says with a slight glint of sarcasm on his voice

He keeps on walking and gets into his car, finally leaving. Breaking me.

I fall to the ground, with the rain still pouring all over me, and I just stay in silence. I

This can't be true, this can't be real, he is coming back, I'm sure of it

So I just sit on the front lawn, patiently waiting for him. However, after a few minutes of me just being there, everything goes numb and I get hit with the realization that he isn't coming back, he doesn't care about me

Drunk people stumble around me, making me realize I'm not that drunk anymore

I weakly get off the grass and make my way inside, music still blasting through the house. I'm definitely getting sick after this, my clothes are completely soaked and I'm shivering

Just when I thought things couldn't have gone any worse, Angel and Nick walk down the stairs.

Nick immediately reminds me of him, and so I break out again, sobbing. Angel looks at me becoming instantly worried

"Char why are your clothes soaked" she gets closer "And where's Clay?"

"He- he-" I choke out "He left me"

"Wait why" she pushes

"Clay, he- he said we weren't good for each other, that I needed to shine on my own" I cry

"He left me Angie"

"Is this about that guy?" Nick butts in

"Did he text you? Where is he" Angel interrogates Nick

"No, nothing. I'll go talk some sense into him" Nick states walking towards the door

"No" I stop him "I told him that if he-" I let out a sob "If he left, then he lost me, and I'll stand by that"

"Isn't this because you kissed that guy?" Angel reminds me

"It's not just about that"

"No, he was definitely flirting with that girl" Sapnap says

"He did what?" Angel says

"He also used the fucking line Angie"

"The one we told him about?"

I nod

"That son of a bitch" she says "I'm getting Jake"

"But it's crazy though, I thought... I thought you were really the one for him, please let me talk some sense into him"

Great Sapnap, way to make things better. It doesn't matter who believed in us, it doesn't because Clay didn't feel the exact way.

"No, he made his decision, and so did I" I say wiping my face trying to dry my tears "I hate him, I hate that I love him"

"Wait you love him?" Nick looks at me in shock

"Yeah, I told him that and he didn't care, maybe I should stop too"

"At least we can have a hot girl summer?" Angel asks trying to lift the mood

"It's almost December Angel"

"Hot girl winter then?"

"Ayo?" Nick laughs as well

"Here, go take a shower so that you don't get sick, I'll make some popcorn so we can watch a movie" Angel reassures me

"I'll buy takeout" Sapnap says "And tell someone in here to end this party, it was a bad idea anyways"

"Talk to Jake" I say

"Yeah not a good idea"

"Angel you do it then"

"On it" she says grabbing his phone

"Why don't you go with-" I physically can't say his name, it hurts so much "with your friend"

"Oh heck no, he fucked up I'm going back home tomorrow, and just to kick his ass, I'm staying here tonight"

I sit on my bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling empty. I notice Angel left a few times, maybe to talk with Nick? I'm not sure.

"You can talk whenever you feel like, ok?" Angel reassures me

"He lied" I simply say

"Huh?" she says, taken aback

"Clay, he lied"

"How?"

"Remember that time I called you crying from his house?" I recall, and Angel nods

"Well, after we made up, he promised he'd never leave me, said I could always rely on him, no matter what" I sob

Angel sits back, looking at me with conflict in her eyes, and takes a deep breath

"Char, maybe you and him, your relationship, was just a karmic one" she begins

"A what?"

"A karmic relationship, see karmic relationships are meant to teach you a lesson, you guys simply have too much passion, too much love, which can be hard to maintain"

"If he loved me, he wouldn't have left Angie"

"I know baby, I know" she says hugging me

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Ok I've had this written FOR A WHILE now

There are two options; I either end it here and start a new one... problem is idk what to even call it lmao

or i keep on writing it in this book

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