« There are so few wrong choices to consider during one’s life that it is hard to believe living can be so arduous. Then again, any choice is right as long as ‘it’ continues to grow. What ‘it’ is? I let you decide. After all, it is part of those choices you have to make on your own. »

I think I saw… A green plain, covered with flowers. A classical view, born from the desire of my lunatic mother and gifted by my scheming father to commemorate their twenty-second wedding anniversary. Yellow and blue petals were mixed together, while the redder were blown away by the wind, flying toward a depthless sky where nor the stars shined, nor the clouds cried.

No, I don’t hate my family at all. I wasn’t being sarcastic, nor was I attempting to taint their image with disdain. I do love them, as much as a child can love the parents who doted on her ever since she was brought to this pained world. It’s just… I am simply aware of their vices, as much as I am of their good sides. They smiled to show they were happy, and hurt when they were disappointed, as you would expect from any parent who took take of their children.

Yes, it can sound quite complicated when I put it this way, but alas it is what it is. Alas? Again, I must appear… Jaded, I think? However, what weight does my words have against the cruel spikes of reality? The more you embrace it, the more you bleed. Passion? Love? Who cares, as long as you obtain what you were seeking. Revenge? Resentment? Attractive, yet useless concepts we just can’t forget even after all those years.

What is the meaning of giving, if you end up empty-handed? Why trying so hard to take from others, when you can just ask, pay for it, or even earn it through ungrateful effort? No thanks needed, right… We don’t need those words in this place. We can run as far as we can, the scenery won’t change… And why is that? Another metaphor to proclaim that escaping won’t alter the outcome? Or maybe just an illusion to remind us that whatever we do in this timeline, the world won’t change. That’s what the lady with silver hair told me:

-It’ll never change, as long as he belongs here.-

I suddenly found myself gasping for air as I awoke from my slumber, opening my eyes to an overly familiar ceiling: my private room next to the chamber I was experimenting in earlier.

“Julie? Are you awake?”

It was Brine calling for me.

“Yes, I’m… Just the usual headache, nothing bad.”

I scrubbed my forehead, trying to rid myself of the booms hitting against my skull with what little massage I could do to myself. I licked my dried lips as I was feeling thirsty, and before I could think of asking Brine to bring me a glass, she was already giving me one full of fresh water. She really knows me well. I gulped it in one go, feeling the coldness descending through my throat and helping me clear my mind.

“Thanks, Brine. I needed it.”

Thanks to my spiritual condition, any amount of mana I consumed to cast a spell would harm me in some way. It wasn’t a feeling I could describe with words, or maybe I could just tell it was like having your skin being angrily pinched by someone who despise your very existence, to the point where a simple contact was enough to burn your flesh. In short, it left me with an annoying after-taste of my body slowly regaining its sense of touch. My movement felt dizzy and confused, but Brine helped me lie on the couch until I rested enough.

“I can’t wait for our experimentations to finally bear some fruits… I feel like my body is growing duller each time I use mana…”

“By the way, Julie… I have bad news for you.”

“Mh? What is it?”

I did not know what kind of surprise I would have to deal now, so I waited while closing my eyes in a futile hope to avoid the upcoming trouble. Brine seemed to hesitate speaking her mind, which in turn made me uneasy about what kind of problem she was about to share with me.

“The soul you sublimed… Unfortunately, it can’t maintain itself for long. It has already started to degrade, and will soon crumble.”

“If that’s all it is, then we don’t have to worry about it.”

“Eh?”

Brine looked surprised at my answer. I already expected this first success to vanish quickly, just like when you first try to achieve something, and the moment you did it, it doesn’t last long because you forgot something important in your joy. As for me, I was simply too exhausted to even think about celebrating this short victory. That’s true, I didn’t fail: I merely walked on the right path, but stumbled at the last moment because of my condition.

I didn’t fail, but you could say I also didn’t succeed from another point of view. The director helped me in a lot of ways to achieve those results, and now all those mana crystals he spent were wasted on an ephemeral success. Yet, it wasn’t exactly ephemeral either, because I still managed to get closer to this realm I was so desperately trying to cling on. I could feel it, I was in range, in sight of this unfathomable destination.

I could almost touch it…

“Julie?”

I was pulled for my thoughts. Apparently, I was still tired as I easily lost myself.

“Oh, sorry. I was just thinking… What were we talking about?”

“The soul is eroding and will wither in a few hours at this rate, or maybe even less if the erosion accelerates.”

“We already expected that. Nobody can win on the first try, unless you’re a genius… What matters is that we did it once. That’s more than enough. Now all we need to do is rinse, repeat, and perfect the operation until we get the result we wanted.”

We failed this time, however, compared to the previous results, this time could actually be called a success. We now know how to do it; it was only a matter of time until we sharpened our techniques and corrected any mistakes we found in our methods.

I let my mind wander, reminiscing the last experience we held in the chamber. A soul is basically similar to a body: it contains a heart, a stomach, lungs, muscles, blood, bones, and so on. It is theoretically possible to construct a replica of such a complex machine, however, even without trying you already know something will be missing to the whole mess you made.

Is it a self-maintenance system? An incorrect copy of the original born from a misconception? Or maybe the answer was less earthly and more abstract, like a pulse to turn the artificial monstrosity into a living and breathing being? Is it “life”? Or maybe something else…

Anyway, I had no way to guess the right answer just by idling around. I have never been the type to bet on luck after all.

Nonetheless, although he was probably already aware of the outcome, we still had to report our analysis to the director. Feeling better, I stood up from the couch and stretched my limbs to get rid of the soreness. It was time to get back to work.

“Alright! Let’s review what we’ve done and meet with the director.”

I was about to sit at my desk when I heard my stomach loudly grumbling. Although I felt fine a minute ago, now I was suddenly… Well, terribly hungry. But we’ve already ate something before going in the Laboratory… Did my condition worsen even more? Or maybe…

“Brine. What time is it?”

“I don’t have a pocket watch on me, but I guess it’s already dark outside.”

“Ugh… Let’s finish this, so I can eat something and get some sleep…”

One last check to be sure I wasn’t bringing some dirt or dust with me. I quietly cleared my throat before knocking on the heavy door, then patiently waited with Brine by my side, holding the documents we filled in a hurry. We could have waited for tomorrow to bring our report to the director, but he insisted we should deliver it to him as soon as possible.

The door opened on a servant checking on us, who quickly allowed us in once we heard the director shooting from behind, calling us to meet him. I didn’t know why he so much desired to learn about our opinion on the experimentation, nor why he would still be present inside the Academy this late, however, I did have a hint about the latter once I entered the room.

“Julie, Brine. My apologies for making you come at such a time.”

“There is no need for apologies, director.”

Brine and I bowed to him, but my attention could not be snatched away from the other man sitting farther away.

“Let me introduce to you an old acquaintance of mine. His name is Keraza Levontus, he is a man well versed in the studies of mana in multiple ways.”

The man didn’t stand from the couch, instead he simply waved his hand and smiled at us like a moron. His attitude was a clear breach of manner in the aristocracy, but I know better than rubbing this fact in other’s face inside Lagida. Even if the man was a rude, discourteous fellow, he was still a friend of the director, and as a student of the Small Council I couldn’t allow myself to act out of line.

He may have sensed my fiery gaze, because I swear I could have hear him sneer at me behind his smirk. I could tell he was some important people from his accoutrement, maybe with enough influence and power to permit him belittling other nobles without much consequences. Acting hostile was out of the question, but even if I knew nothing about him, deep down something’s telling me a very clear which I wholeheartedly agree with: I despised this man, and I wanted to share no connection with him.

“Take a seat, so we can talk. Servant, brew us some tea, will you?”

The servant bowed, then disappeared behind a door. Meanwhile, Brine and I sat on the couch opposing Keraza. I quickly checked on Brine to see if I could decipher any sort of reaction she held toward him. I never saw her being angry at others, or even showing resentment or anything alike. On the contrary, my friend mostly remained impassive, sometimes displayed a cold behaviour without the intention to actually reject them. But now, I could certainly tell that she was angry at this man for his rudeness. Even Brine didn’t appreciate his conduct, so much for a first impression.

I kept myself from sighing. We had much more important matter to deal with for now. Right, we still had to discuss with the director… So why was this man still present?

“How about you start telling us more about your studies, Brine?”

I glanced at the director, uneasy to talk about those experiments in the presence of an outsider.

“Director, is it fine?”

“Sure, sure. Go on.”

… If the director said so.

“Before we start” Keraza suddenly interjected, his eyes locked on me the whole time, “I have a single question for you, if you allow me to ask.”

I didn’t like how he took the initiative to interrogate me out of nowhere, but I still chose to go along with him.

“… Sure. What is it?”

“Why do you think we possess a soul?”

I was baffled by his question. So much I asked myself if this guy really studied anything related to mana.

“The spiritual body is our second body. Although it is debatable on many sides, it is in the end an extension of ourselves, like a third hand reaching for the immaterial realm to grasp the mana we need to sustain our intangible self.

There is a theory which hypothesize the soul as a form of evolution. A mean we instinctively made to handle mana, just like how we have eyes to see and hands to manipulate.”

Keraza responded by shaking his head like he heard some random or stupid argument from an ignorant.

“No, no. I didn’t ask for its imagined origin. Let me rephrase it:

Why is the soul linked to the body?”

Why? Because… Didn’t I just answer this?

“… I believe I just answered this, didn’t I?”

His only reaction to my remark was another amused smirk. This guy was toying with my anger, I hoped it won’t escalate into a dispute… Maybe the director will have to act as a mediator the next time he’s here.

“You see, I have spent a very long time understanding the how and why of magic, especially the basic behaviour of mana particles, its many reactions and even ways to use it as a catalyst.

At some point, I had to conclude that the mana lingering in the air we breathe is no mere mineral or organic matter. It is also dissimilar to fire which we can use to produce steam and heat, although it does provides energy if manipulated with precision and an end goal.

We do agree it is a usable resource, one we can refine, expand or consume for our benefices. However, at the same time, it is not something we easily gather by waving a net around us.”

I more-or-less get what he was saying. In other words, mana could be classified outside anything we can list from the material world. It is not organic, it is not mineral, it is not a gas, and it is not a volatile reaction like fire or electricity. It is neither of those types, yet at the same time possessed some influence over them.

We could conjure fireballs and thunder, open a gate between two separate worlds or weld together two distinct object, and even presumably modify one’s memory. It has always been a mystery why a resource, which could almost be said to be non-existing through a non-advised person, could alter reality. However, it is what it is. Mana exists, our soul collects and digests it, and we consume it to cast spells.

“Did you know about this simple experiment: you store a little amount of mana in an isolated recipient, then let it rest to see how the particles evolves over time?

Will the mana degenerates? Will it wither, rot and turn into some sort of ashes? Or will it create some sudden sparks, like an enraged beast willing to escape from its jail?”

“I did, yes. But this experiment yielded no results.”

Once, a sorcerer attempted this very experiment Keraza described. He let it gather dust on a shelf for a dozen of years, but never spotted any differences and concluded that mana needed an external stimulus to react. There wasn’t much to think of it, only that mana seemed more like a peaceful lake we occasionally visited to collect its water.

“Exactly!” exclaimed Keraza with a hard-to-explain joy in his voice, “No apparent result. The mana did nothing this whole time it was trapped. Nothing!

To push it to work, we have to stimulate it with some means. That is our soul’s raison d’être, the explanation as to why souls exists. Without our spiritual body, this fantastic energy would be wasted and unnoticed for all eternity.

However, it still doesn’t explain one thing: Why? Why are we connected to a spiritual body? Why do we have a mean to exploit it?

It’s like…

It’s like it didn’t grow out of nowhere, did it?”

… This is beyond our comprehension at present times. It’s like asking someone why he has eyes, he’ll naturally respond “Well, to see what’s around me?”. It is basically an organic tool for us to survive in this world, a hand to harness a necessary power.

Wait a minute… If we go this way, then we have eyes to help us discern the environment and avoid dangers. We have hands to help us manipulate our surrounding, craft weapons or grab food for us to survive another day. We breathe because we need to, we eat and drink because we have to. All of those things are essentials to secure our life, to guard us from any harm.

But then… What does the spiritual body guard us from?

So far, we have never spotted any spiritual entity or lifeform, and it wasn’t like the mana could unintentionally harm our physical body without someone pulling the strings behind.

“If it doesn’t reach us, then it is the same as not existing from our perspective. If it doesn’t exist, then how could we know about soul and spellcasting?”

… I think I know the answer. The answer was simple to guess, but not easy to say. If I voiced it out, it would imply that I was willing to thread on a madman’s path. A path worse than trying to recreate a soul’s structure or signing a pact with the Black God.

But my mind, confused as it already was, couldn’t keep those words from escaping my mouth.

“It was… Granted to us?”

We were given a tool to use mana, a toy to play with ourselves.

Keraza didn’t retort back, he simply smiled at my answer. He probably already knew.

…

“Tell me, Julie Prolite… How much do you know about spirits?”