WARNING: Monsters sighted in your area!

“Monsters?” Patrik spun one way, then the other, but the dense vegetation around the standing stones revealed nothing. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Let’s see here… That was definitely the sound of flipping pages now. Ah, yes! You know all those myths and fairy tales you have in your world?

“Yes…”

Well, they’re like, totally real, dude! For some reason, this time the PQA spoke in a bad impression of an American accent.

“Are you…trying to be funny right now?”

Just bringing some levity to the situation, mate.

Patrik rubbed his forehead. He was still reeling from everything the PQA—the voice in his head—had told him. Now there were apparently monsters? His eyes straining to pierce the shadows beneath the trees. He thought he could glimpse a flicker of light beyond the branches overhead, but full light must still be hours away.

There’s no such thing as monsters…

The thought was running on repeat at the back of his mind, but after everything Patrik had witnessed in the last half hour…well, he figured it was probably best to trust the asshole in his head.

“Where are they coming from?” he croaked.

I’d say you have about a minute, came the reply. They’re approaching from the west.

“Which is in…what direction?”

Your left, no, your right…there! May I suggest you wield a weapon?

“I don’t have a weapon—”

Patrik broke off as he recalled the contents of his “inventory.” Determined to avoid further rebuke from the disembodied Australian, he willed his inventory box into life. As he items appeared before his eyes, he quickly scrolled through the contents until he came to the sword.

Iron Short Sword. A plain sword forged from iron ore. Not bad for a noob. Effect: +3 to strength. Requirements: must be level 15 to wield.

Doing the same as he had with the health potion, Patrik focused on the item, and grinned when its weight settled in his hands.

Dismissing the text box, he took a moment to contemplate the weapon in his hand. It was heavier than he’d expected. There was no way the frail old man could have wielded it—in fact, Patrik himself was struggling to with its weight. He wasn’t exactly a gym fanatic. He preferred to work out his brain, rather than his muscles.

Which he was about to discover had been a terrible mistake.

Still, there was a firmness to the sword that was reassuring. Its blade had been honed to a fine, razor-sharp edge. And the weight seemed to say: “hit something with me and it’s not getting back up.” Which, if Patrik was about to fight literal monsters, was exactly what he wanted.

Ahem, I hate to interrupt…

Patrik scowled. “What now?” he grated, eyes fixed on the trees the PQA had said the monster was approaching from.

Well, I know you’re all eager to kill some monsters and you’re currently ignoring my ever-so-helpful prompts, but I feel it’s my duty to inform you that that sword can only be used once you reach level fifteen.

“Wait…what?” Patrik paused. “What the hell do you mean? I’m holding it just fine.” He laughed. “What, is your king going to come and punish me for using the wrong sword? Or does he have soldiers patrolling the so-called Four Circles looking for rule breakers?”

We don’t have a king. We have a Dark Lord.

“’Cause that’s so much better.”

Yes, well, it’s not the Dark Lord who makes the rules—

The PQA’s explanation was interrupted by a dark shape exploding from the undergrowth to Patrik’s right. A high-pitched scream that definitely did not come from Patrik echoed through the clearing as he found himself stumbling backwards. His mind reeled, struggling to register the enormity of the creature before him.

Black fur bristled over countless long, reaching legs and a dozen enormous eyes swivelled in the centre of a terrible face. Great fangs stretched wide, a bright green liquid dripping from their razor points. The drops hissed where they struck the ground, letting off an acrid stench of burning flesh. A low growl vibrated from the creature as it skittered forward on those long legs.

Ice slid down Patrik’s spine as he felt the monster’s attention settle on him. It was a spider. A giant spider. A giant spider somewhere around the size of a bear, to be more precise. Worse than anything that had ever crawled out of the hellscape otherwise known as Australia. Was that why his PQA was Australian? Was this entire kingdom a parallel fantasy version of Australia?

Such idle thought were chased from Patrik’s mind as the giant spider made a low hissing noise and skittered towards him.

“HOLY SHIT!” Patrik screamed.

Instinctively, he lifted the iron sword and slammed it into the hideous face of the spider. Thwack. Patrik’s arms jarred as the blade struck solid flesh. A green bar sprang up over the spider that seemed to indicate its health. Text also appeared alongside it.

Giant Silk Spider Queen [Level 5]

Otherwise, the sword seemed no more effective than a toothpick against a lion. Patrik stood gaping as the spider reared up, front legs clawing at the air. There was another high-pitched scream as he tried to retreat—and instead caught his feet on a loose rock and crumbled to the ground. He landed hard on his ass and then scrambled backwards, trying to put distance between himself and the acid dripping from the spider’s fangs.

Coming to his feet, Patrik braced himself and faced the spider again. It hissed, spitting drops of acid across the dirt. Patrik skipped sideways out of the way, then swung again, aiming for its legs. Surely the weighty sword could break the slender limbs…

Bong!

To Patrik’s dismay, the sword bounced clear again without doing any noticeable damage. The green bar above the spider’s head certainly didn’t change.

So, as I was saying…

“Kind of busy here,” Patrik grunted, swinging the iron sword again.

Sweat dripped from his forehead. He struggled to blink it away, not daring to take a hand off the heavy sword to wipe it. The spider crawled behind one of the standing stones and attempted to enter through another gap, but Patrik leapt to intercept it. Despite having done absolutely no damage to the monster so far, he’d at least managed to keep it outside the ring of stones.

I know mate, I know. But it’s just, if you really want to kill that thing, you’re going to have to use something within your capabilities.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

That sword won’t deal any damage until you reach level fifteen.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard,” Patrik panted. “What difference—you know what, never mind.” He batted back the spider a third time. “What am I allowed to use?”

You’re in luck. There’s a bronze dagger in your inventory that should work. That old wizard must have stocked up on equipment for you before summoning you here. I’m sure he would have been a wonderful mentor if you hadn’t, you know, murdered him.

“Great,” Patrik muttered.

Ignoring the rest of the PQA’s words, he dived back into his inventory and found the dagger—which was an appropriately copper colour. He concentrated a moment, and the sword disappeared from his hands and was replaced with the dagger. It was tiny.

Bronze Dagger: A dagger made from bronze. What else do you need to know? Effect: +1 to strength. Requirements: none.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He glanced from the puny weapon to the enormous spider. Its beady eyes watched him through the ring of stones, obviously looking for a way in. If the enormous iron sword had done no damage to that thing, what could the little toothpick in his hand possibly achieve?

But there was no help for it.

Letting out a battle cry that was better forgotten, Patrik leapt at the beast, dagger raised high. The copper blade flashed brightly as the first ray of morning sun pierced the canopy, then plunged towards the maw of the monster…

…and unlike the sword, sank to the hilt in spider flesh.

Patrik was so surprised that he stood stunned for half a moment. The spider was not so calm. A bloodcurdling shriek tore through the forest as it reared back, feet flying, blue haemolymph—assuming that was what spiders had for blood here—spraying everywhere, including all over Patrik. Thankfully, the blue liquid didn’t prove acidic like its venom.

Unfortunately, his mouth was caught open at the wrong moment and he found himself choking on a good splattering of the stuff.

When he recovered, he found the enormous spider crumpled before him, its legs all folded up and broken. For a moment he thought it dead, but then a quivering spread through the creature. He noticed the previously green bar above it had dropped deep into the red. But it was clearly still alive.

Grimly, Patrik fingered the hilt of his dagger and took a stepped up to the creature. Collapsed in the dirt, with blue liquid still pulsing from the wound left by his knife, it no longer looked so terrifying. In fact, as it trembled again, he was struck by a pang of guilt. It seemed almost a shame to slay something so huge.

Then the thing lurched forward, and screaming, Patrik drove the dagger into its head in a panic. With a final shudder, its health bar dropped to empty and the creature lay still.

Patrik let out a heavy sigh as relief swept through him. He’d done it. Somehow he had defeated the terrible monster and saved himself. Maybe even saved others! A beast like that would not have stopped with his murder—a creature that size needed sustenance.

Well that was…messy.

Patrik sighed, taking in the state of his clothing. “I killed it, didn’t I?”

I mean, I guess so?

“Are there points for style or something?”

Don’t be ridiculous. Anyway, would you like to loot the corpse?

“It’s a spider, what could it—you know what, yes, yes I would like to loot the corpse.”

The familiar text boxes popped up at his words and he selected the “loot all” option. Why not? All the hair on the spider disappeared and its swollen abdomen caved in as though suddenly hollow. He was about to open his inventory to see what he’d received when the Australian voice spoke up again and text appeared.

WARNING: Monsters sighted in your area!

“I know—shit, there are more, aren’t there?” Patrik asked.

They’re coming from the east.

Patrik drew in a measured breath and tightened his grip on the bronze dagger. He felt a flicker of familiar fear within and struggled to push it back down. The first creature had died surprisingly easily—once he’d equipped the right weapon. He could do this.

Oh, look at that—they’re also coming from the west. And the south—actually, you know what mate, they’re just all around you at this point. There was a long pause. I think it might have something to do with the dead spider.

Butterflies whirled in Patrik’s chest. “How many?” he asked, trying to still the racing of his heart and catch his breath. He wasn’t exactly in the greatest of shape, having lived off campus food for the past few years.

I’d say a dozen or so.

Patrik glanced at the dagger in his hand. “Can I fight that many?”

I wouldn’t count on it. Why don’t you try your spell?

“What spell?”

Raise Dead. With your current mana you’ll only be able to cast it once, but…

Patrik’s stomach twisted itself into a knot as he glanced back at the body of the old wizard. “You don’t mean…”

What—no! Of course not, you’re way too weak to bring him back. Still don’t know how you managed it the first time. Luckily there’s another fresh corpse available.

It took longer than Patrik cared to admit to understand what the PQA was saying. His eyes fell to the grotesque remains of the spider at his feet. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…”