When we finally got out of the Tacoma, Beardo and Turban were both eager. I don’t think they liked the way I smelled any more than I liked their stink. Whatever. They were ISIS scumbags anyway. I was over it. No one told me shit, and they wheeled me around like cattle. I still didn’t understand why or how I got there. I hadn’t seen any white people yet. Hadn’t seen any Asians either. Just Arabs and Africans. Just ISIS.

Big Ass was calling out orders, and Beardo complied. Turban was in a better mood. Didn’t make him nice, but he was nicer. We drove through a town that was a tiny junk hole. There were people who were walking around in the sun, and every now and again you saw a ghost. They looked like Halloween costumes. “Female.” Big Ass said as he pointed to a ghost walking next to a guy with an AK slung around his neck. The buildings were tattered and covered in dust. It was basically just Tatooine. Cinder-block everything, and not a wink of water to be thought of. They had a lot of signs on stores, and everything was Arabic. I saw some English letters, but they were all spray-painted over, so I could make out next to nothing I saw written. Most shops looked abandoned or closed with big metal gates. There wasn’t much here. Honestly, this place was lacking anything. I felt sorry for these unlucky fuckers who were stuck in this asshole of the world. We cruised past square shops, and square houses, and square people and onto a walled area in between swathes of sand, and then the Taco came to a stop. I could see a couple more crappy Tacos, and a GMC Denali with tinted black windows.

We were outside a janky building. Okay, it looked jank as fuck. There were satellites on top of this place that were made out of garbage. Literally made of, like, sheet metal. The wiring looked like a bird nest. There were power lines running to the building. But they too… were jank. The whole operation looked like something out of an apocalypse movie. I couldn’t tell where anything began or ended.

I guessed it was some kind of radio station. It was almost in the middle of nowhere. Turban pushed me along. Beardo got the door. I’ll say this: ISIS door-game was on point. It was one of the nicest doors I’d ever seen. It was all kinds of designed and carved, but it didn’t fit the door frame. As soon as he started to open it, it got stuck, and I let out a big laugh. Turban elbowed me hard in the ribs. Shut me up. As the door finally swung open, I freaked. I thought I saw a ghost.

In the doorway were two dark specters. They were girls, rapidly swinging their ghost-costumes over their heads so that we wouldn’t get a glimpse at them. All I could see were hazel eyes which caught mine. The other ghost had no face. Burquas! Holy crap. I wasn’t expecting to see women in such a shit building. And I definitely wasn’t expecting to see Beardo lash at the hazel-eyed specter… woman. He whacked at her with his knuckles. She was experienced, cause she dodged nearly every lashing he threw at her. This clearly wasn’t the first time she’d dealt with him as she let out a gobbling of Arabic. The other woman just stood there. She gave Beardo her space, then drifted into some corridor. I felt like I’d never see her again. I wasn’t sure she was real.

What was real was Turban pushing my ass forward. I walked in and was pushed down a maze of grungy hallways. The air-conditioned stench was rubbery and electric. Lights twitched inside, and I could hear Arabic television. This place gave me the creeps. And then, we walked into a room, and I lost it.

Along a wall, was an amalgam of mining equipment. Like a rat’s nest. There were at least 5 towers of mining rigs. Bitcoin rigs, and the wiring must have been done by a clown. A literal, circus clown.

“You’re kidding me,” I said to Big Ass. Turban shoved me in, “whoa, whoa, hold up, this is a joke, right?” Turban shoved again, “HEY! Lay off, what’s your pro—”

thwack

“blem?” I finished as Turban punched my cheek. Right on the bone. Big Ass pushed him aside.

“What matter?” said Big Ass.

I looked at him stupefied. “You’re kidding me, right?” I repeated.

Big Ass was waiting for my response. “This is bullshit! Seriously. Look at that! That’s the worst thing— That’s literally, and I’m not joking, the single worst computer I’ve ever seen. It makes me sad. I’m shocked that you don’t wanna kill yourself looking at it.”

Big Ass wasn’t pleased. “This machine build from all over Iraq. Is almost, you can say, made for life of Iraq and Syria inself.”

“What, are you running for president? LOOK AT IT!” I yelled, “You can hit and beat me all you want, but don’t pretend. Don’t— Don’t. Pretend that that’s something to be proud of. That STINKS. It probably doesn’t even work!”

“It does work.” A voice came from the entrance of the room. Familiar. It was the King. The champion of theatrical entrances. “It work very well,”

“At what, flushing toilets? Do you know what any of that means? What any of those wires do? Have you ever used it?”

“No,” the king said. He paused.

“Well… okay, okay. I get it. I’m good with computers. You brought me here cause I’m good with computers. Right?” The room was silent.

“What? Is that right? Did I get it right?”

“You get it right,” said the king.

“Okay. So, what? What do you want me to do? Take an ax to that compu—”

“I need you to break into computer,” said the king sternly.

“…What?”

“I have problem, Hefty”

“That’s another thing, how do you know my—”

“SHUT UP! You will listen and OBEY me, do you understand?” he roared, slamming a desk. I didn’t move. “Where is your jokey-jokes now, HUH? You quiet so now, HUH? You listen will, HUH?” My eyes were locked on his. I didn’t even nod. I just waited. “You will obey command, and you will unlock computer, or I will set you fire. Do you understand?” I nodded.

“In computer, there is money. LOTS of money. This Bitcoin. I stupid. Make mistake. Let computer man, Fazullah, convince me BITcoin good idea. We put him in command, and he get us BITcoin. And know what happen? I will explain. He blow up. Airstrike, BOOM. No more Bitcoin.”

I gulped.

“Now you, you are good with BITcoin. That how I find you. You sell Fazullah Bitcoin. You think are good at computer? HAH! Fazullah found everything about you. About you house. About you apartment. You are child. You will never be as good Fazullah at Bitcoin.”

I smirked thinking about the wiring. The king slapped me. Hard. Tears welled up in my eyes. I whimpered.

“SHUT UP! Now listen. You will obey command. I command to open this computer. You got me my BITcoin. This room. This room your prison. If I don’t get money, this room your grave.”

The king then yelled something in Arabic, and Beardo came over rolling the oil drum into the room. He wasn’t doing it very smoothly.

“Okay, okay...”

“You will.”

“Okay, okay...”

“You wi—”

“OKAY!”

The King stood and began to unholster his great golden gun. Without pointing it at me, he spoke slowly in Arabic, when I erupted,

“What? You wanna shoot me? Go ahead. So I don’t have to listen to your stupid ass anymore, or would you rather burn this rat’s nest and see your money go up in smoke?”

Everyone was silent. I stared into his tremendous eyes, and he stared into mine. I could feel how tense everyone else was, but I was done.

“You can insult me and beat me and light me on fire, fine! Who gives a shit, but don’t you ever try and tell me how to run my rig, cause that is crap.”

“That’s not crap,” said the king.

“It’s crap”

“It is not crap”

“It’s CRAP,” I repeated. Then he got me with the checkmate. He shot into the air, and pressed his golden gun against my forehead. The muzzle burned into my skin. I tried to hold my bluff, but I quickly caved. That muzzle was HOT. I grabbed at my forehead and the king bopped me hard on the noggin with the gun.

“OkAY, Okay, FINE. Fine. You want your money? I’ll get you your stupid money. Your computer is perfect. It’s as nice as your golden gun. Fine.”

The king looked pleased.

“So what? Where do you want me to begin?” I asked.

The king snapped. In a rush, Big Ass and his henchmen were setting up a monitor and keyboard, and all the computer goodies for me to get to work. I was being treated—well I was actually being treated very nicely.

“Okay, do you have any idea about the accounts, the passwords? Anything at all?” The king stared on blankly. “PIN codes, QR codes? Anything? Do you know what I’m saying?” I asked. He didn’t move. “A cell phone that he used? Come on, work with me.”

Big Ass approached with a cell phone and a notebook. It was in Arabic.

“Whoa, whoa, okay… We have a problem.”

“What? Problem.”

“Yeah, this is in… well I don’t speak Arabic.”

“Make work.”

“Well, yea, I can. In English. I don’t speak Arabic.”

“MAKE work.” He lifted his gun.

“OKAY, okay… with the gun again.”

I thought for a moment. Okay. So, gotta figure out. I’m never gonna get this… I’m never gonna… wait. The keyboard was in English. It had the Arabic etched onto the plastic keys, but it was English. Maybe…

I started typing, and everyone seemed surprised. I couldn’t care less. I flicked on the computer. Windows. Perfect. It was in Arabic, but I knew how to jump through and turn it into English. Okay. Okay, next step, sign into my accounts.

I typed in my passwords, and then changed the language back to Arabic. Okay, so now I knew what those characters meant between the two language keys. Fuck Arabic was weird, and wasn’t it backwards? Whatever Hefty. Okay, so then I could cross-reference the symbols. It wasn’t much of a plan but it was a plan—one I hoped worked.

After that, I ripped the phone out of Big Ass’s hand and started tampering with it. He smacked me upside the head, and I smacked back at him. These fucking ISIS idiots won’t let up for a second. Who raised these idiots? I’m just trying to… hmm.

It hit me that their parents were probably killed in the Iraq War… so no one raised them. I felt bad… but then again, they were about to set me on fire. Okay, whatever. Get this done.

I was able to figure out enough letters to access some passwords. The fun part was guessing which passwords went with which accounts. That, and writing them in from right to left. Thank God I knew how to manipulate portals so I didn’t have to wait 12 hours in between password guesses. I could have done anything with this computer. They probably wouldn’t even have known.

I started to go FLOW. I loved going Flow. Flow state. Look it up. It’s the best. It’s like when the world goes numb. Your focus changes you. Whenever I went Flow, my legs felt stretchy, like spaghetti strings. They’d just wiggle about 20 feet ahead of me. And I started to see the computer in 3 dimensions. I could see the programs like they were pyramid blocks, like they were an ocean in Minecraft. I could manipulate the whole machine, solve all my pieces, and go into the computer like no one else could see. Luckily, I had any code I needed saved into the cloud. It was my library. As long as I accessed that, I could create (I think) anything I could imagine. And now that I got that far into the computer, the Arabic didn’t matter. I was just seeing blocks. Block chain? Maybe. Maybe not. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be done with it.

almost there…

almost there.….

Waitwaitwait. This isn’t gonna end well for me. Not at all.

The second I pressed enter, he’d get his Bitcoin, and all his other Cryptocurrencies, and I’d become desert food.

I didn’t like this.

“No way.”

The king looked on. At least 2 hours had passed, and patience… wasn’t exactly around anymore.

“No way what?”

“I’m not doing this,” I said, placing my hands in my lap, “I’m not going any further.”

“You obey me,” the king replied.

“Sure, but you’re just going to kill me,” I replied. The king was silent.

“Yea, light me on fire, or get another genius, or I don’t care. I’m just not gonna help you anymore.”

“Yes, you will,” he said angrily.

“You said it yourself, I’m shit and mom’s a whore. Not exactly a pep talk”

“Pep talk?”

“Like, talk to pep you up? Whatever, look—” the king lunged at me, gun in hand, ripped my head onto the desk, and dug the gun into my temple. It hurt.

“You not make me fool. You obey me, infidel.”

“Do it, if you want to so bad, you’ll never get shit out of me.” Arabic was being lashed around the room from Big Ass and company. We had us a standoff.

“You what know think? You can’t do.”

“Ohhh, I can ‘do’. I can even see how much money you have. Guess what? You’re about to get super fucked. I encrypted everything.”

“What?”

“You bet. You shoot me, you won’t just lose Fizul’s codes, you’ll lose mine too. Good luck getting your money once the next guy has to break 2 minds. Fizal’s cod—“

“Fazullah!”

“Whatever! He was a chump. He was the child. I just encrypted them a thousand times more than he could have. It’ll take 4 years to work through. You wanna deal with that? You wanna kill me and find out how lost your money is?”

The room slowly came to rest, like an aerobic heartbeat. The king gently let his grip go. My adrenaline peaked. I was torqued. Everyone’s eyes bulged. The king gently put his firearm back in the holster. He cleared his throat.

“Hefty, I think am unfair.”

“Yeah Maybe just a bit,” I responded.

“I don’t want to make enemies.”

“Okay, well I don’t, either.”

“We must see same,” He said looking out at the rat nest.

“Eye to eye,” I said looking at him.

“Yes. Eye to eye. Hmm. How we make this can work?”

“Well, I don’t want to die.”

“Yes,” was all the king had. He didn’t want me alive.

“So…”

“Nam.”

“How about a deal.”

“Nam, yes.”

“I can help you,” I slowly pointed to the mining rat’s nest. “You see that machine?”

“Nam. Yes.”

“I can use your money to get… better machine. Good machine. Best machine. You can—We can buy. Yes?”

The king was thinking.

“You can make money,” I told him.

“Yes?”

“Ohhhh SO much money. And Bitcoin money. You know what that means?”

“Yes?”

“You can buy guns. Guns. Tanks. Drones? Bombs. You can get so many bombs. Do you want that?”

The king just stared on. He didn’t seem happy.

“How I know? What if no you money make?”

“How do I know you won’t kill me?”

Big Ass exhaled like a Disney character. It sounded SO weak. He was a softie. The king kept my eye contact with those big beautiful eyes of his. Then he started laughing.

“Hefty, you are child. Son of bitch, as say. I like you.” I laughed nervously. “Okay, Hefty, this I grant. Show me that money is okay,” he said, holstering his pistol, “and I will allow this machine—”

“Computer,” I corrected.

“Computer.” He said something in Arabic, and everyone left. It was just me and the king. “If works, you will be reward.”

“What does that mean?”

“I rich. I think, I think you child who holding my money. How would you like to spend it?”

“Oh—be rewarded. With, your money?”

“I give you order, you make. You make more money you spend money. You buy your ma—your computers. I buy my buy.” He offered me his hand. “My life and my honor.”

I imagined just then that I would die very soon. He was the devil. Like literally, if we’re talking bad people on Earth, this guy was the devil. Shaking his hand would be making a deal with the devil.

What you think I’m an idiot. I grabbed his hand and I shook it.

“Now please, show my money.”

I hesitated, but I did as he commanded. I crunched in my codes and transferred everything out of the rat’s nest. I showed the King his wallet.

As I did I gulped heavily.

There was a lot.

About $5.3 Billion with a B in Bitcoin. That’s a lot of scratch, as Dad would say.

I was bluffing. I figured he had about what I had in Cryptocurrency. I didn’t realize the king bet the house on Bitcoin.

The king smiled. He looked at the number. He exhaled. He. was. pleased.

I lifted a great weight off the most horrible man of our time.

We were pretty much besties, because instead of a bullet, the king grabbed my head and started kissing me. He was laughing. HE was LAUGHING.

“Ahh, let go a me!” I squirmed.

“Hefty, Hefty, HEFTY! You make me happy, man, SO happy. So very proud of you, I am. NOW!” He started dancing. It was funny, like a whirly Middle Eastern kind of dance. Not bad, Hefty.

Then the king turned back to me again. His face changed. He was still smiling.

“Okay, Hefty… okay. Now, buy that computer. Fix Fazullah’s, how you say, rat nest…

In fact, get two computer.”